


The Part Where Rhinos Fall From The Sky

by oli_oop



Series: The One Where We Fall Into The Marvel Universe [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Daredevil (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Don't Judge Me, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-17 01:59:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 80,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3511001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oli_oop/pseuds/oli_oop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Casual thieves, Miranda, Leah, Alexa and Shelby decide to step up their game and go for a bigger gig. Fortunately for them, Miranda meets Clint in an air duct. Unfortunately for Clint, they know all about him. General panic ensues all around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The One With The Air Duct

Miranda wiggled through the air ducts semi-silently. There was a clink here and there from her various tools hitting the walls, but from experience, she knew that nobody downstairs would think anything of it. There was a branch up ahead, and she looked down at her map in the playbook on her arm. She needed to stay straight. The lights on her headband gleamed off the wall and she grinned. Most people would be claustrophobic in here, but this is where Miranda felt safe. She had a rearview mirror, as she affectionately called it, on a watchband on her left hand to see behind her, and only one way to go in front of her. Nobody but the Invisible Man could get the jump on her. Besides, if somebody was in here with her, she had more things to worry about than the Invisible Man.

“Heading toward the office,” she whispered into her comms unit. Shelby murmured an affirmative. Without a doubt, Shelby already knew where she was in the house via the GPS, but Shelby liked it when Miranda checked in. Miranda had a tendency to think she didn’t need backup, like at the Louvre. She was still getting the cold shoulder from the team about the Louvre.

“Five more feet and then a left.” Shelby said. Miranda grinned. The new GPS units were crazy accurate, and Shelby did a great job honing them in and getting them on the comms units. At about four and a half feet, Miranda paused to re-adjust the small backpack she had on, when she heard a chink in the left branch she was about to go down. She held her breath. No air was moving in the ducts. It was supposed to be her and the shiny aluminum. She quickly tapped out [Anybody else in the duct?] in Morse code on her mic.

“No.” Shelby’s breathy voice replied. “You are authorized to use full force.” Miranda’s pulse quickened and she breathed out slowly as she reached for her knife. She held down her clinking belt as she slowly slid forward. She was an inch away from the turn. Slowly and leading with her knife, she peeked around the corner and directly down the barrel of a gun.

“Are you sniffing glue?” She immediately snapped. “Shoot me and you’ll go deaf!” Shelby hissed. There was a reason Miranda was the sniper, and it wasn’t just her accuracy. She pushed the gun down to see who was behind it. “Shelby, you are not going to believe this.”

“Believe what? We don’t have cameras yet, Fred.” Clint blinked back at Miranda, completely thrown. 

“I am staring at Jeremy Renner right now. I think we’re being punked.” Miranda relaxed, but didn’t put her knife away. Not until she figured out why she was looking at Jeremy Renner in full Hawkeye costume.

“Who’s Jeremy Renner, and why are you in my air duct?” Clint hissed. Miranda swiveled her attention back to Jeremy/Clint.

“Your air duct? Excuse me, Princess, but I believe I was here first. I should be asking you the same thing!” Miranda talked over Shelby who was hissing “BE NICE FRED HE HAS A GUN”.

“What the fuck, I don’t have time for this. Move or I’ll shoot.” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“You aren’t going to shoot me. We’re on a TV show.” Jeremy/Clint stared at her as if she’d grown a new head. “I mean, I have no idea how you found us, but I’m going to have to ask you to stop recording now.”

“What TV show? Who exactly do you think I am?” Jeremy/Clint lowered his gun again. Miranda pulled a face.

“Duhh, Jeremy Renner as Clint Barton!” Jeremy/Clint furrowed his eyebrows.

“How did you know my name?” The gun came back up. Shelby was saying something about Miranda not getting enough oxygen in the duct and hallucinating.

“No, Shelby, don’t send Alexa.” Jeremy/Clint waved the gun around to get her attention. “You’re on IMDB?” Jeremy/Clint shook his head.

“Why would I be on IMDB? I’ve never been in a movie. Who are you?” Miranda chuckled.

“You’re great at this. I mean, it’s your job, but still. I’d be laughing by now. I’m a big fan of Marvel. Y’know, S.H.I.E.L.D., Cap, The Avengers Initiative.” She mimicked Fury’s voice. “I recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it.” Clint froze.

“How do you know all of that?” Miranda got the feeling, suddenly, that this was a tad more serious than she expected. The click of the safety on a gun, that ever so suddenly she realized was not a fake, may or may not have helped her to her decision.

“The movies. There’s a whole bunch of them? Comics too? Come on, man, this is a joke.” Miranda put up her hands. Shelby was squawking in her ear but she could not focus with a bullet five inches from her face.

“What. Movies.” Clint bit out. “Speak quickly.” Miranda gulped.

“Marvel movies. Stan Lee wrote a whole bunch of comics. The movies are based on the comics. They’re huge.” She said quickly. “Loads of people have seen them. Honest, they’ve hit the top of the charts a huge amount of times.” Shelby was saying to “get the hell out of there”. Miranda fully intended on it, but she couldn’t leave without one thing. “Hey, uh.” She slowly undid the rope and clipped the carabineer to a grate beneath her. “What happened in Budapest?” Jeremy/Clint’s eyes went wide with shock before he reddened with anger. “Forget it. Bye now!” Miranda kicked down with all her weight. She knew she was above some random study upstairs, two rooms before the office. She’d be in the clear. As she fell through the drywall, Jeremy/Clint tried to get a shot off but he saw the couple sprawled on the floor underneath Miranda and couldn’t get a clean shot.  
Miranda’s boots hit the ground and she unclipped, running for the door. She knew that she needed to get out the back and over the wall before Shelby could get the extraction team. Clint was right behind her, down her rope. She got out the door and tore down the hallway. Miranda had the advantage of her playbook, but she wasn’t sure what was going on with Jeremy/Clint. Down the stairs, take a left, through the kitchen, out that door. Miranda was panting and her heart was throbbing. She was in better shape than before, sure, but as a sniper, there was very little sprinting involved. She promised whatever god was listening that she’d hit the treadmill if they would make it so this guy did not shoot her.

Clint was following the wheezing. This chick was not exactly subtle. He figured she’d breathe better if she’d stop muttering “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me” the whole time. Just as he was about to turn into the kitchen, some posh butler came out of the door with a silver tray of nibbles and he had to slide to avoid being clotheslined with the tray. “Sorry!” he shouted as he dashed in the kitchen door. He saw the back door swing closed.

“If you run, you’ll just die tired!” He shouted as he notched an arrow. Miranda was halfway up a wall. She paused for a fraction of a second before putting more effort into climbing to the top. He drew his bow and looked down the scope. What he saw made him pause again. She had a bow strapped to her back as well. It had been painted purple, with a lighter purple H painted on top. Just as he was about to take the shot, a hand reached up over the wall and Miranda took it. She was pulled up over the wall and his shot was lost. He sighed.

“Hawkeye to base?” He spoke into his comm. “We’ve got a bigger problem to worry about.”

* * *

“You got distracted by a boy?” Alexa hissed. Miranda flapped her arms uselessly for a few seconds before hissing back.

“It wasn’t just any boy it was Clint friggin’ Barton!” Alexa shook her head and made flappy arms.

“There is no such thing as a Clint Barton!” She hissed back.

“Guys, can we fight back at the apartment?” Leah asked. Alexa huffed and sat back in the seat. “Thank you.”

“Are you sure it was Clint Barton?” Alexa asked, calmly this time.

“Honest to shit.”

“Guys, grab your gear. We’ll try again tomorrow.” Shelby said, pulling into the parking lot. Everybody shuffled up to the apartment. “No hard feelings, Fred. We’ve got one more try.” Miranda grunted as she shut the door to her room. She flopped the bag onto the floor and threw herself on her bed, boots and all. She napped for a little bit. Shelby woke her up for dinner later, and she hopped in the shower before putting on some sweatpants and a Captain America tee shirt and going down for some grub.

“Yeah, speaking of Cap,” Alexa said with a semi-full mouth. “Today when I walked down to the library, I saw a whole group of kids dressed up as the Avengers!” Miranda grinned.  
“It’s not Halloween yet!” Shelby protested. “What were they doing?” Alexa shrugged.  
“I don’t know. There might be a comic con nearby.” Shelby’s eyes lit up.  
“Do you guys want to find out where it is and hit it up after our gig tomorrow?” There was a general murmur of consent around the table. “We’ll check it out after we get back and shower and whatnot.”  
They finished their dinner and went to bed early. Alexa had to drop Leah off where her “date” was going to pick her up the next day early. Leah was deep undercover at the place they were scoping out. It was the house of a CEO of some cell phone company. They were going to steal their plans for the new cell phone and sell it to some other guy. It sounds super easy, but it’s way harder than all of their previous gigs. Before, they were stealing physical objects. Now they’re trying to steal ideas. Ideas pay way much more than Faberge eggs, but they were way harder to steal. This weekend was the CEO and his wife’s anniversary. Leah was “dating” their son to get a second set of eyes in the house.  
Miranda went to sleep, still shaken up by the earlier incident. That night, she dreamt that a dozen birds of prey were picking her apart.

 

“Hey, wake up!” Leah was already dressed. Miranda looked like road kill. Miranda peeked at the clock. She had fifteen minutes before they were planning on talking down the gig. She slid out of bed just as the light turned on. After putting a pair of pants on backwards and tying her hair up, she stumbled out to the kitchen for some caffeine and fuel.

“Just in time!” Shelby slid some pancakes in front of her as she sat down with a nice, hot cuppa.

“Great. Miranda?” Miranda shoveled some more pancake into her face before answering.

“I’m going to go in the back door. The chef has been paid lots of money not to care what I do. I go in through the air vent down there, weasel my way up to the second floor, and ransack the office.”

“Well, today, I think there’s going to be a change of plans.” Shelby stopped her there. Miranda stopped chewing. They never planned things without everyone. “They know you’ve been in the vents.” Valid point. “We’re going to need you to get upstairs on foot.” Miranda winced.

“C’mon, guys. You know that’s not my MO. If you want someone on foot, send Leah in! She’s better with sneaking. I have my bow-“

“I can’t pick locks. There might be a safe involved.” Leah interrupted Miranda’s moaning.

“Yeah, but—“ Shelby tutted her

“C’mon, Fred. This isn’t going to be a big deal, is it?” Miranda shoveled more pancake in her mouth.

“No. No, I’ll kick some ass. Who’s up?” Shelby moved on to Leah.

“I’m going to go on a date, laugh at his jokes, and pretend like he isn’t stupid. I’m also going to keep an eye on where his dad is at all times.” Alexa’s turn.

“I’m going to wait in the kitchen, dressed as one of the workers. I’m going to have my comms in, and if I get a distress call from Miranda I’m going to go help her kick ass.” That was also a new addition. Miranda chewed uncomfortably.

“And plan b is?” Shelby continued. She really didn’t have to. They did this before every gig, second time through or not.

“We all meet at Egan tomorrow for breakfast.” Everybody said at the same time.

“My plan is to keep on comms and on GPS and make sure none of you dumbasses get arrested.” Shelby said with a smile. “Eat up! We’ve got shit to do.” Leah was already done eating and she went to get dressed up for the party. Miranda checked her bow and arrows to make sure she had enough. She made sure her backpack was stocked, even though she didn’t unpack from the day before. Miranda sat on her bed for a little bit.

“Hey.” Alexa peeked in. “You aren’t mad, are you?” Miranda shrugged.

“A little. It’s not my fault Clint fucking Barton appeared out of nowhere.” Alexa sat on her bed. “I dunno, I felt like a baby earlier. I’ve done this as long as you have. I don’t need babysat.”

“You aren’t getting babysat. You’re getting backup.” Miranda shrugged again. “If you don’t fuck it up,” Alexa shook Miranda playfully. “You won’t even need it. C’mon, get your shit together.” Miranda grabbed her pack and met everybody in the living room.

“GET TO DA CHOPPA!” Alexa bellowed. As per usual. They piled into the van. Shelby sat shotgun with her laptop, Alexa drove, and Miranda sat in the back. Miranda had her headphones on as she went over her playbook again. She was pretty sure there was still a dumbwaiter in the kitchen that lead to that office she blew out of. She could not remember. The only thing she remembered was Clint. Jesus. What was she smoking that she couldn’t remember that one simple thing? Shelby was snapping in her face.

“We’re here.” She untangled herself from her headphones and hopped out the back of the van. Alexa would be hopping the wall with her, and she’d change in the kitchen. Money made people do funny, funny things. They climbed the one side of the wall quickly, and with a quick high five from Shelby, they were off. Miranda probed the kitchen for the dumbwaiter shown on the playbook. Eventually, after moving some cabinets, she found it.

“Hey,” the chef said. “What are you doing to my kitchen?” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“Has our check cleared yet?” The chef nodded. “Well then what are you moaning about?” He mumbled something incoherent and moved on to hollering at the help. Miranda scraped open the little door with a creak and slid open the inner door. It was almost too small to fit both her and her bow, but yoga with Leah had paid off. Ugh.  
Alexa was motioned over to send her upstairs.

“I’ll find my own way down.” Alexa nodded.

“Good luck.”

The cart was super rickety and Miranda regretted the extra pancake that morning. It stopped at the top and she opened that inner door. She really hoped that they hadn’t plastered over the outer door.

“Okay, Shelby. Opening the dumbwaiter door.”

“This is so cliché.” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“I’m aware.” She swung open the door. “Well ain’t that some shit.” The door opened into the office itself. The exact place where she wanted to go.

“It’s too perfect. Be careful.” Shelby said what she was thinking. Miranda crept carefully to the desk with her bow in her hand and an arrow ready. Just behind the desk was a safe.

“Shelby, I’m looking at a safe. Do I open it?” There was a beat.

“Yeah. Leah and Alexa are ready.” Miranda put her arrow away and stashed her bow in her backpack strap. She had literally just learned the night before how to open this kind of safe, so she really hoped she didn’t set off any silent alarms. She got to work.

“Miranda, we’ve got some movement in the hallway. It’s not the man of the house.” The safe swung open and she grabbed the folder inside and stuffed it in her pack. Just as she got it zipped and her bow ready, the door opened with a slam.

“Get your hands up!” It was Clint. Her eyes shifted to the window. “Don’t even think about it. The house is surrounded.” Miranda did more than think about it. She did it. An arrow grazed the back of her shoulder and pain shot down her arm. She landed in an azalea bush and rolled. Clint wasn’t joking; there were actually people all around, but they were not expecting a 5’3” redhead to be bursting out of a second floor window and started for a second. That second let her sprint to the wall.

“Let’s go guys!” She bellowed. Leah and Alexa shot out of the kitchen, Leah carrying heels and Alexa ripping the chef’s shirt off as she sprinted.

“What did you do? There’s hired guns everywhere!” Miranda hit the wall and stowed her bow.

“I didn’t do shit!” Leah hit the wall. “Ask Clint fucking Barton!” Alexa’s hand shot out over the top of the wall and Miranda took it. Just as Alexa started to pull, Miranda was nearly shish kebabbed. “Speaking of,” She yelled. “Incoming!” Her feet came up over the wall and she landed flat on her chest, knocking the wind out of her.

“Now is not the time for a nap,” Alexa snapped. “Get in the van!” Miranda scrambled after Leah. They slammed the back doors shut and an arrow hit the back of the van.

“That motherfucker scratched the paint!” Miranda bitched.

“If that’s the only issue we have, we made out pretty well, Fred.” Shelby said dryly.

“Did you at least get the intel?” Alexa asked. Miranda raised her eyebrow at her. “That chef yelled at me in French.” That was the last straw for Miranda. She started to giggle and she couldn’t contain it. Alexa soon followed, and soon Leah had to pull over. As the last of the hooting calmed down, Miranda had a follow up question.

“Did he say ‘sacré bleu’?” The van dissolved into laughter again, until Miranda leaned on Alexa’s white pants from the kitchen she had yet to change out of.

“Fred, you’re bleeding.” The laughing stopped abruptly.

“Oh, yeah. Fuckface managed to hit me in the office.” Shelby pulled a first aid kit out of the dash. “I forgot about it.”

“It looks pretty nasty. It might need stitches.” Leah decided. Miranda huffed and pulled her knees into her body. Stitches were going to hurt a lot.

“I can’t do stitches,” Shelby protested. “We’re going to have to go to the hospital.” Miranda hissed even harder.

“Come on, man, you’re bleeding all over the back of the van.” Alexa moaned. “And it’ll get infected, and it’ll scar, and you’ll look like a rugged Celt or something,” She paused. “None of these things are good things.”

“I know that!” Miranda snapped. “Can we drop our gear off at the house first? I really don’t want to have to explain all of my knives.” Alexa lifted an eyebrow.

“Knives? Like with an s?”

“Well yeah. I’ve got six on me. The metal detector will shit itself.” Alexa studied her closely.

“Where do you have the room to put six knives?” Miranda was wearing tight black spandex pants, a black tee shirt, and a backpack.

“You have no idea.”

They hefted their gear inside. Miranda changed into some sweatpants, left the sports bra on, and put on a zip up hoodie in black so that the blood wouldn’t stain. The hoodie she had just gotten with the cash from the last gig, and it was her pride and joy. In normal silk screening, there was the S.H.I.E.L.D. logo, but in glow in the dark printing was the Hydra logo. Miranda thought it was so clever, and so did the rest of the crew. She had caught Alexa in it once or twice, and that was a wrestling match that the rest of the house wasn’t going to forget soon.

Miranda came slogging out of her room.

“Guys, let’s go ahead and go to the hospital. I don’t want a shoulder scar.” Leah picked up the car keys, and as she had her hand on the doorknob, it was kicked in.

“Holy shit!” She stumbled backwards as droves of men in black tactical gear streamed in.

“Fuck, it’s the police!” Shelby yelled. They were running toward the back door when it was also kicked in. “Fuck!”  
They were all surrounded. Guns clicked everywhere and the cliché little red dots swarmed their bodies. Now, in this situation, one expects a grizzled FBI agent to walk in or something. Exactly zero of the girls expected Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. to stroll in the front door with a coat flap. Miranda’s eyes got wide and she looked down at her jacket.

“Nice jacket.” He said cooly.

“Yeah, same to you, uh, sir.” Miranda gulped.

“I’m assuming you know who I am.” He said, sitting down on the couch. They all nodded. “The question is, how?”

“Well, there’s these comics.” Miranda began. “Honest to shit. I have read a whole bunch of them, I love them, I am convinced they’ve saved my life.” She said all in one breath. “What will it take for you to believe me?”

“If you really know everything,” Fury pinned her to the wall with his glare. “Then tell me something only you and I would know.” He made a gesture to the door, and the men poured out. As the last man left, Clint and Natasha stalked in.

“You mouth breathing motherfucker.” Miranda stuck her chin out and glared at Clint. “I have to go to a hospital because of you!” There was a hint of desperation in her voice. Miranda made hating things an art, and at the tippity top of the list was hospitals. Clint raised an eyebrow at her, but beyond that he showed no visible emotion. This further enraged her, but Fury spoke up again.

“Well?” Miranda clenched her teeth and looked back at Clint.

“Budapest.”


	2. The One With Tommy Morgan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unwitting agent stumbles upon the Casual Thieves and really, really wishes he hadn't.

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP

“How did she get a weapon?” The first guy standing in front of the door that was keeping Miranda in her holding cell leaned in to look in the little slotted window.

“I dunno man. Radio Fury.”

“It’s not a weapon.” Miranda yelled. “It’s not a weapon until I stab someone with it.” She yelled a little louder. From the cell directly to the right, Clint rolled his eyes.

Miranda failed to get a rise out of her lovely neighbor, so she started to pound on the wall. After a minute, she got into a rhythm. Then she started adding downbeats. Soon, she had forgotten that she was trying to irritate someone and was full out playing Conga on the wall.

“Shut the fuck up!” After once through to the chorus, Clint started yelling. “Is that what you wanted? God!” His bed creaked as he stood up and paced to the other side of the room. “If these comics saved your life, I quit!” Miranda’s mouth snapped shut and tears came to her eyes. The two guards shifted uncomfortably outside.

“Good! Then maybe you’ll have more time to have playdates with frost giants!” She shrieked, tears streaming down her face. She threw the knife across the room angrily. A small shock went through her when it stuck into the wall and vibrated. She hadn’t meant to do that.

Clint’s heart skipped a beat and he felt cold. Of course she knew about it. Naturally, he can’t have anything not ruined by that bastard Loki. He kicked at the chair in the corner and slid down the wall on the other side of the room.

 

The rest of the posse was awkwardly eating chips and salsa in the conference room. Fury hadn’t come back yet, and the last thing he had said to them was: “Let’s let those two cool down for a little while, then we can have ourselves a chat.”

Fury nodded at the man outside of Miranda’s door. He moved aside, and Fury scanned his thumb on the reader and went inside. The pillow that was on the bed was shredded and springs were sticking out of the mattress. Miranda sat in the corner, sniffling.

“Feel better?” He asked. She was unsure if he was angry or not. “I know this whole thing has got to be crazy for you. I get it. We had a few run-ins with aliens ourselves. However, you’ve got to understand that our priorities are not with making sure that you are comfortable. Our priorities are with the people of this universe and keeping them safe.” He had crouched near her at one point. “Now, slide me the knife, Miranda.” She did as he asked. “Follow me.”

“I’m sorry about the pillow. And the bed. And the wall. The wall I hadn’t meant to do. I had just thrown it, and it stuck.” Fury didn’t respond. She didn’t say more.

When they passed Clint’s room, she couldn’t help but look in. The chair was on its side, and he was sat on the floor with his head in his hands. Miranda felt a pang of guilt.

“You two really need to quit trying to murder each other. I am already sick and tired of babysitting you.” Fury said as he noticed her glance. She glared at him.

“He shot me.” She said grumpily. Fury’s eyebrow went up minutely.

“Where?” She pulled back her jacket and showed it to him.

“I was about to go get it fixed when you people kicked my door down. Clint pulled it open again when we were fighting.” She said sourly. He redirected her down a different corridor.

“After we get that cleaned up and stitched, we’ll have our chat.” She tensed and slowed fractionally, but kept walking. She repeated the mantra ‘No shoulder scar, no shoulder scar,’ in her head as long as it took her to get sat on a table.

 

Natasha was sent to let Clint out. She scanned her thumb and walked in, taking in the chair and Clint’s posture.

“She knows everything, Nat.” He said, looking back up at her. Natasha sat down next to him and he leaned his head on her. “What else do they know?”

“I don’t know. They’re briefing in the conference room soon. We can find out.” Clint wasn’t sure that he wanted to know, but he followed Natasha out of the cell anyway. They watched Fury and Miranda’s backs as they turned down to the med bay.

“Wonder what happened there.” Clint said softly. Natasha shrugged. They had to turn down that way anyway to get to the showers and some fresh clothes for Clint. They passed the room that Miranda was in, and she was removing her sweatshirt with a pout. There was a large gash on her shoulder that seemed to have bled recently. With a cold shock, Clint realized that he had done that in the office.

“She must’ve got that jumping out that window.” Natasha surmised. “Gutsy move on her part.” Clint shrugged.

“I told her the building was surrounded. She’d rather jump out of a second story window and into the arms of men with guns than deal with me.” He grumbled. Natasha rolled her eyes.

“Come on.” Clint showered and changed into some standard S.H.I.E.L.D. clothes. A black shirt and some sweatpants. How decadent. They made their way down to the conference room. Fury was standing at the front of the long table. A sad, sad bowl of chips and salsa were sitting in the middle of the table with a small dent in them. The girls were seated around the table. They looked harried, dirty, tired and sore. Exactly like the way the Avengers look post mission. They were too young to have that look.

“Can you prove these comics existence?” Fury was saying. Miranda was directly across the table from him, and she met his eye contact steadily.

“If you wouldn’t have snatched us from our apartment, we have all kinds of proof because we are nerds.” She replied angrily. Fury conceded with a nod.

“Then let’s go get some proof.” He motioned to Clint, who was standing in the back of the room. “Go get one of the jets ready. We’ll leave at noon.” Miranda refused to look at Clint, and he could tell. “You guys are free to shower and get changed. Natasha will show you the way.”

They all stood and followed Natasha.

“Except for you, Miranda. You’ve that dressing on.” Natasha gently chided in the hallway. “You can change out of those clothes, though.” Miranda nodded and went into one of the rooms. She found cupboards of tee shirts with the S.H.I.E.L.D. logos on the breast. She chuckled and thought about how much these would sell for back home. She debated on putting a few… dozen… in her backpack for later. It didn’t take long for her to grab a few larges and stuff them in her backpack. She attempted to get her shirt off, but she couldn’t do it with the sling. The more irritated she got, the more stuck she got. Soon, she was swearing and flapping around uselessly. Just as she got the shirt over her head, the door clicked open. She whirled around.

“Uhm, I’m, uh, I’m sorry.” Clint averted his eyes and put a hand up to further shield her from his line of sight. “About a lot of stuff.” Miranda huffed and tugged on the shirt again.

“Listen, it isn’t that I’m not glad to hear it, I literally cannot have this conversation with my chicken-winged in my own shirt.” She shuffled over to him, defeated. “Help me.” He snorted and took the sling off of her.

“Well, I’d start with this,” She hissed as she pulled her arm the rest of the way out of the stained tee she had thrown on to go to the hospital. “I’m sorry about that especially. I didn’t mean to hit you, but how was I supposed to know you were going to jump out a window?” She grinned and hung her head.

“You told me not to do it. I was helpless.” He shook his head, also grinning.

“You’re too much.” He muttered. She climbed into a new tee shirt and pulled out a pair of sweats. She held them and stared at Clint. After a second, he got the hint and turned around. She peeled the skinny jeans off carefully, hissing and being irritated about how much one uses a shoulder to do normal, everyday things. “Are you gonna live back there?” He asked, vaguely amused.

“I don’t know. I’d be better if somebody hadn’t shot me.” Miranda said irritably.

“I apologized already. Move on.” He shuffled his feet a little. Miranda chuckled as she shimmy-hopped into the sweats.

“It’s an occupational hazard. I’m going to be busting your balls about it forever.” She tapped his shoulder. “Sling me, baby.” He turned and gave her a weird look. “Whatever, just give me the sling.” He shook his head and held it out for her to put her arm into.

“Don’t you know you can’t sling yourself? That’s how you get stuck a second time.” She laughed.

“Yeah, but I can sling myself. I broke my arm when I was younger and got pretty good at it.” Clint rolled his eyes.

“How am I not surprised? Did you jump out a window?” She giggled and shook her head.

“Some kids pushed me down at the roller skating rink.” He gave her the most incredulous look.

“Did you kick their asses?” She ruefully shook her head.

“No, man. I cried.”

“I don’t believe you. You threw yourself out of a window, past armed guards, up a wall, and into a getaway van after I shot you with an arrow.” Miranda sat on the bench by the shower stall.

“Nah.” She sat back and rested her head on the wall. “I used to be a huge wimp. My little sister had to stand up for me.” She laughed humorlessly. “I was a huge loser until like, last year.” He sat down next to her. They just sat there for a while in silence. Miranda fiddled with the strap on the sling.

“How’d you get in the thieving business?” Miranda turned and looked at him. He looked curious, not judgmental.

“Collage is really expensive.” His eyebrows shot up. “We started out as pickpockets and food thieves. We couldn’t afford books and food at the same time, and a lot of us couldn’t even afford tuition. We barely scraped by sophomore year with the easy shit we were doing, but at the beginning of junior year –this year, actually, Shelby came to us with some tech. She had been putzing around all summer with Bluetooth earphones and all kinds of stuff I can’t even begin to figure out. I already knew how to pick locks and use a knife and a gun and a bow. Alexa was in wherever we were. Leah was a little bit harder to talk into being a thief, but after the first real gig when we came back with two grand each, she thought it through a little better.” Clint nodded.

“So, what do you guys do? Besides Shelby. She’s the tech guy.” Miranda shrugged and winced.

“I dunno, Alexa is our extraction team. She specializes in getting my ass out of whatever trouble I get in. Leah is my backup. She’s better at hand-to-hand stuff. I do the stealing.” Miranda nodded, satisfied with her explanation.

“You ‘do the stealing’?” Clint air quoted.

“Yeah, I take the things that need taken. That’s about it.”

“What is your skill set?” He bit out, becoming irritated.

“Well, I mean, shooting. I, uh, I’m a sniper.” Miranda looked down. “I pick locks. I crack safes.” She looked to the side. “I do the dirty work. If we were ever to get caught, I worked it so I’d be the only one to go to jail. I mean, I don’t really mind.” She said quietly.

“Now that’s a lie.” He nudged her good shoulder with his. “Who wouldn’t mind about going to jail?”

“Me. For those guys. They’re like family.” She looked at him steadily. “I would gladly jump in front of a bullet for them. Or stand behind one.” He smiled slowly.

“You’re a good friend to have.”

“Glad you see it my way.”

 

They were strapped into the jet and taking off. Everyone had showered, and Fury was grateful that Clint and Miranda weren’t trying to murder each other anymore. They landed at a legit airstrip in Erie and two black SUVs pulled up. Everyone piled in and they were off to the apartment. There was little conversation in each of the cars because the person driving was deemed shady in both cars and none of the girls would talk. Fury tried to tease some more information out of both Alexa along the way, but received stilted one sentence answers and gave up.

“This is the place.” Fury said to the driver. They pulled up and everyone filed out and up the front staircase. Their landlady, who lived downstairs, called out a “Halloo!” and asked if anybody wanted some sandwiches. The girls were sorely tempted; they hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

“No thank you, ma’am, that shouldn’t be necessary.” Fury said before shooing the girls upstairs. Shelby’s stomach protested loudly and with reckless abandon. Clint chuckled. “Gather up those comics and whatever other proof you might have. Then get some clothes for the next few days. You aren’t being detained and you’re free to go, but you are under surveillance.”

“What about class?” Shelby piped in.

“That’s taken care of.” Fury said with a small smile. “It’s a tragedy. Four grandmothers have died.” Alexa spat out the drink she had in her mouth.

“It’s a bad day for grandmas,” She said, wiping down her shirt with the nearest kitchen towel.

Miranda threw some clothes in a bag and put it in the hallway. Then she picked up a train case and set it near the bag. Shelby fired a black bag from her room and Leah dumped another black bag on top. Soon, there was a large pile of clothes sitting in the hallway with a small stack of comics on top.

“Are you bringing your computer?”

“Duh! We’re there a week.”

“What about shampoo?”

“We’ve got that!” Clint yelled from the living room.

“Pantene for curly hair?”

“What about Herbal Essences?”

“I doubt you have OGX.”

There was a clamor of the girls trying to confirm the brand of S.H.I.E.L.D. stock shampoo and Fury rolled his eyes.

“Today is the day I’m glad I’m bald.” He began flipping through the comics as he waited. Miranda managed to wrangle a Howling Commandos comic from the sixties, in which Nick Fury was not the version of Nick Fury that was flipping through the comics. “Hey, Miranda?” He called from the couch. “Why, exactly, am I white in this comic?”

“Uhhh,” Miranda stalled. “They’re not an exact science, y’see,” She rocked back and forth on her heels. “And I mean, it’s the sixties.”

She muttered about forgetting something and shuffled back into her room. Fury kept flipping through the comic, looking violently unimpressed.

“Guys?” Leah came back out of her room and addressed the SHIELD members. “Did you bring friends?”

Fury stood up and Clint and Natasha moved to the windows.

“That’s not us, sir.” Natasha said, screwing a silencer into a handgun that was pulled from God-knows-where.

“Are we going to assume they’re hostile?” Miranda ghosted up next to Fury. He nodded, eyeing her up and down.

“Ladies, it’s Christmastime!” Miranda bellowed. Leah chuckled and slid a tote out from under her bed as Alexa grabbed a pack of The Works! From the closet. Shelby ran to the kitchen and pulled tin foil out of the cupboard in an economy sized roll. Leah unscrewed the top of the glass bulbs, Shelby put tin foil in, Alexa put in a measured amount of The Works! And Miranda opened a window.

“Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals,” Leah muttered as the first of the bulbs began to explode.

“What the hell?” “Sir, we’re being fired upon!” “AGH!”

Fury stood in the living room with his gun drawn and a nonplussed look on his face.

“Are these girls for real?” Natasha chuckled.

“Not everybody has grenades,” She opened the window and pulled a few shots.

Heavy steps began up the back stairs. The girls scattered, getting to their various weapons.

“It’d be a lot harder to break in if somebody would’ve just knocked earlier,” Miranda grumbled as she held her ground near the front door.

“I was assuming that would wouldn’t believe I was the milkman,” Fury quipped. “Save one of these guys for Natasha. I need to know where these guys came from.” The first of the men flooded in the door and the sounds of fighting filled the upstairs. Miranda knocked out two guys before she turned to see how the others were doing. Everything began to go in slow motion. Shelby was slashing at one guy. Another came up behind her that breached Alexa and Leah. Leah had been pushed into her room. Alexa was grappling with another guy. Miranda took two quick steps forward as the man behind Shelby put her in a headlock and raised his gun. Before she even had time to process what comes next, Miranda sliced his throat. Blood poured all over Shelby and Miranda sliced the other man’s throat that Shelby had pinned against the wall.

“Go to the living room,” Miranda told Shelby. “I’ve got here.” Shelby nodded, wide eyed, and ran to the living room with Fury, Clint and Natasha. The last one came up the stairs and looked at his fallen comrades.

“Hail Hydra!” He pulled the pin on a grenade.

“You son of a-“ Miranda pushed him down the back stairs and slammed the door shut.

The house was rocked with the explosion.

“Girls? Is everything alright up there?” Miss Johnson called from downstairs.

“We’re fine!!” Leah yelled.

“Okay! Sorry to bother.” Miranda slid down the wall.

“Well, found out who they worked for.” She said, wiping the knife on her jeans.

“Clint, call for a cleanup crew.” Clint nodded and stepped out into the hallway. Fury came back toward Miranda, Leah, and Alexa.

“Anybody hurt?” Leah and Alexa shook their heads.

“I popped every single one of those stitches.” Miranda said, pointing to her shoulder. Fury nodded.

“We’ll get you to the med bay when we get back.” He eyed her suspiciously. Miranda was already spaced, looking into the eyes of the two guys she killed. Shelby sat on the couch, looking at Miranda. “Are these your first corpses?” Miranda looked up. Fury looked sympathetic. Leah muttered an affirmative and Alexa nodded. Miranda carefully did not respond. Clint had already entered the room.

“They’re on their way. ETA 3 minutes,” He responded. One of the men in the living room began to stir.

“I’ve got this one.” Natasha drug him into the bathroom and closed the door.

The cleaning crew arrived. They put the two men on gurneys and wheeled them to the vans. They began to spray down the bloodstains and scrub things down when Fury told the girls to load the SUV.

“We’re leaving Natasha?” Miranda asked.

“She has her own ride home. She likes to work alone.” Clint responded, starting the car. “Get in.” She got in next to Alexa and fell asleep on her shoulder.

Miranda woke up at the airstrip. Alexa had managed to wiggle out from under her and none of the girls were anywhere to be found. It was just her and Clint, who was holding her bag for her.

“That wasn’t your first dead guy.” He stated. Miranda nodded. Clint nodded once. “I’ve got your bag. I shot you. It’s the least I should do.” Miranda nodded again and followed him to the jet.

“Get enough rest, Sleeping Beauty?” Leah said, batting her eyelashes.

“Like I need beauty rest,” Miranda muttered, grinning. She plopped into the seat and buckled the belt. “So, how’d we get tailed by Hydra?” Everyone looked around, except Shelby. She was tapping away on her computer.

“The van.” She responded. “When these lunatics tagged us with a homing arrow,” she stressed the word arrow, “Hydra picked up on the signal.” Clint winced as he flipped switches and turned knobs.

“That was Hydra intel you guys picked up.” He defended himself. Miranda blinked a few dozen times.

“That can’t be right,” she said, digging into her backpack.

“Goddamn it, Fred, you brought your go pack with you?” Alexa said, exasperated.

“Fred?” Fury said, raising an eyebrow.

“Where did that come from?” Clint asked as they lifted off.

“QUIET.” Miranda hollered. “Jeez. Last time we checked, this was for cell phone tech. Now,” she slapped on her hand. “Hydra files on Chechnya.” There was silence for a second.

“Chechnya?” Fury asked, reaching for the file. “What’s in Chechnya?”

“Apparently, a base of investigation.” Miranda was thumbing through. “Alexa, can you make better hide and tail of this?” She passed it back.

“Hey, now, that’s got to be at least Level 8,” Fury protested. Miranda shot him a droll look.

“You were right. This says something something test subjects, something something Red Room.” The air in the cabin got heavy, and Miranda slowly swiveled to Clint.

“I--” Miranda began. Clint raised a hand.

“Give it to Fury.” He said quietly, with a cold look at Miranda. “That was classified.”

Alexa handed the file to Fury, who looked back and forth between Miranda and Clint, who seemed to be speaking with their eyes. Shelby had a hundred yard stare.

Nobody spoke the rest of the ride. Clint had eventually turned back around and started flying the plane, every once in awhile rolling his shoulders. Everyone began unloading their stuff, and as Miranda reached for hers, Clint grabbed it. She looked at Alexa. Alexa looked at Clint. Clint looked at nobody and legged it down the hall.

“I’d follow him. He has your computer.” Alexa said.

“Damnit.” Miranda shuffled behind him. The girls were staying upstairs, and Clint was leading her to a place that she had no idea even existed. It looked like a small conference room, but seeing as Miranda’s knowledge of the Helicarrier only came from the movies, she was stumped as to where she even was. Great.

“I’m gonna only say this once.” Clint said, dropping her bag on the floor.

“My computer…” Miranda hissed. Clint cut her off with a glare.

“The way that you people operated wherever you came from is not how we operate here. There’s rules. There’s rules for a reason.” He put his hands on the table and leaned forward. “There’s rules so people don’t get hurt. Do you know what would have happened- Of course you know what would have happened had Natasha heard that. We never would have found her.” Clint hung his head for a moment then looked back up at her with a vengeance. “You may have thought you were some hot shit back home, but you are the bottom of the totem pole here. It would do you some good to remember that.”

Miranda rocked back on her heels and sucked in her cheeks.

“That’s fine. I’ll remember that.” She picked up her bag on her way out the door. She’d follow the signs or use echolocation, whatever, just as long as she didn’t have to be near him. Upstairs, upstairs, upstairs… She found a staircase and started trekking. Eventually, she found the room she was held in the first time around and oriented herself. She made it to the room just as Alexa was about to claim the last top bunk.

“Alexa, if you jump up there, I swear to god,” She slid her bag on the ground and dropped into a grappling pose. Alexa spun and grinned.

“Wrastle for it?”

“NATASHAAAA THEY’RE DOING IT I TOLD YOU” Leah shouted down the hallway. By the time Natasha made it down the hallway, Miranda had Alexa in a standard arm bar, but Alexa somehow managed to get her legs around Miranda’s neck in a headlock position. Miranda was slowly turning blue, but she’d pass out before relinquishing the throne.

“If I have to jump in here, you’ll both be sorry.” Natasha gently warned. “On the count of three, you’ll both let go. One,” Miranda made eye contact with Alexa. Alexa nodded minutely. “Two,” Alexa’s grip loosed and Miranda could breathe again. “Three.” Miranda jumped up and onto the bed.

“Ah-hahhh.” She leaned back. “Sucka.”

“God. Damn. IT.” Alexa said, laying on the bottom bunk. Natasha sighed and left the room.

“Honest to god, if you two start fighting in the middle of the night,” Leah said from the other top bunk.

“Nah. We are really good nappers.” Alexa chimed in. Miranda started cackling. Shelby shuffled down the hallway with a towel and some pyjamas.

“I really think I scared her,” Miranda said quietly, tipping her feet over the edge of the bed.

“Well, you did kill two people right on top of her,” Leah said. “I’d be a little stressed out too.” Miranda hissed.

“You think I oughta apologize?” Alexa tugged on her feet and Miranda slid out of bed.

“It wouldn’t hurt. Go get re-stitched though.” Miranda rolled her eyes and rubbed the back of her neck.

“Sounds swell,” She grumbled, leaving.

Miranda was seven times as stiff and twelve times as grumpy as before. She was awkwardly sitting outside of the shower room that Shelby was in, planning on walking back with her and chatting. A few Agents walked by her and they gave her nervous glances. She chuckled and waved. All but one pretended like they were busy.

“Who are you?” Miranda stood up and offered her non-slinged hand.

“Miranda Miller.” They shook hands. The guy raised an eyebrow.

“And?”

“And what? One normally offers their own name in response.” Miranda was stalling. She had no idea how to explain how and why everybody got here.

“Thomas Morgan. What are you here for?” He looked her up and down. “Operations?” Miranda cackled, giddy.

“Oh, you think I’m an Agent?” He nodded slowly. “Fantastic!” It was then Shelby stepped out of the shower room. “Oh, hey. Shelby, this is Thomas Morgan. Agent, this is Shelby. Talk to you later, Tommy!” He cringed as Miranda corralled Shelby down the hall.

“What was that about?” Shelby asked, dabbing water out of her hair.

“I dunno man, I was just chilling outside the door,”

“Like a crazy person?”

“Eh, yeah, like a crazy person, and he came up and asked me if I was Operations! Can you believe that! Ops!” They were almost at the door and Miranda realised that there was a reason she was loitering earlier. “I’m really sorry… Y’know. For earlier.”

“No…. It’s ok… Like, if you hadn’t done what you did, I probably would be dead. However, reenacting Carrie was not really on my agenda for the day, so I’ll accept the apology.”

Miranda chuckled.

“Thanks, man. Are you okay? You’ve been a little distant,”

“Well, I’ve been better. Just…. all those times we’ve played video games and shit, I’ve never actually been face-to-face with an actual corpse. It’s a little jolting.”Miranda shrugged and nodded.

“I can dig it. Nothing on you, but I’ve got to go to bed.” Miranda began to walk into the room.

“Fred, wait… there’s something else.” Shelby looked around the hall to make sure they were alone. Miranda stepped closer. “I know that wasn’t your first body….”

“What’re you talking about?” Miranda tried really hard to pretend like she was surprised, but it came out like she was sucking on helium all day.

“Fred, I keep track of local news before and after every gig. I know what happened in the Louvre.”Miranda felt like there was a bucket of ice water dumped down her back.

“Shit. Who else knows?” She asked, shoving her free hand in her pocket.

“Just us. You clearly didn’t wanna talk about it if I had to find out about it through a newspaper in French. I figured that it was your business to talk about it with the others, not mine. But to be honest, I’ve been a little more wary about what jobs we’ve accepted since.” Miranda rocked back on her heels.

“What happened, that wasn’t on purpose. The night guard forgot his phone when he went home for the night. I was already jumpy. He had his gun on me. I didn’t know what to do. So I just took the shot.” She shrugged. “I really didn’t know I had hit him that badly. I just needed to get out of there as fast as possible.”

“I know. I hacked the hospital files after I found out. He was shot in the leg once, but it hit his femoral artery. I wanted to make sure of what happened before I did-or didn’t-talk to you about it. I’m just glad you made it out ok.”Miranda nodded and started to head towards the room.

“Thanks. For not telling anybody.”

“Welcome.” Shelby said quietly as Miranda opened the door

Leah, Alexa and Miranda all shared a look as everybody got ready for bed.

“I’m doing the no pants dance.” Miranda declared as she ripped off her SHIELD issued sweats.

“Thank God,” Alexa said, throwing pants onto her bag. Miranda jumped onto the bed, chuckling.


	3. The One With Doughnuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Casual Thieves realize how different this place is from the universe they call home, and they set up a meeting with Nick Fury to try and catch him up on what they know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a tad spoilery if you haven't seen all of Agents of SHIELD. Go watch it! I'll wait.
> 
> EDIT:  
> Also, I had to edit some stuff out. My brain is under the impression that time is just a hindrance to plot and it can do what it pleases with the timeline. My brain is full of crap. Sorry.

Everybody woke up around 11:00, shuffling around with bedhead. Miranda was finally allowed to get a shower without melting her shoulder stitches. Everyone was pleased. When she got out of the shower, she started poking at the stitches. The woman that did them did really well, but they itched like crazy and had already started to get puffy and red. She had to talk to the med wing about that. Again.  
“How do we feel about brunch?” She said, wringing out her hair when she got back to the room.  
“Great!” Everybody agreed. Natasha had shown them how to get to the caf last night. Miranda followed them, as she had been getting reamed out by Clint when Natasha gave them the grand tour.  
“Ah, the good old days. With brunch and whatnot.” Alexa said, grinning at everybody. They hadn’t been to Egan brunch in 2 years, with good reason.  
“Brunch is great. I’m totally digging some pancakes,” Miranda chimed in, grinning. They got down to the caf and it was beautiful. Fresh fruit adorned a counter to the right, and to the left there was a queue for breakfast foods.  
“Guys, there’s oatmeal AND pancakes!” Shelby said, holding a tray and a bright red apple.  
“Dude this is a utopia of breakfast,” Miranda said, holding her own plate of pancakes and oatmeal and a banana.  
The girls sat down and were in absolute bliss. This was the best breakfast food that they didn’t have to cook in a long time. Natasha swung by near the end of the meal to check on them.  
“Nat, this is the best oatmeal ever,” Miranda said, chasing said oatmeal with a swig of black coffee. “And this coffee is great.” Natasha narrowed her eyes at her and Miranda quickly realised what she had done. She gulped down the rest of the hot coffee in embarrassment as Natasha began speaking.  
“Today, you guys get to hang out in your room until Fury decides what to do with you. There’s not a lot to do around here if you don’t have clearance. Here’s the wifi password,” She slid a piece of paper to Shelby. “Hang tight, guys.” She nodded and stood, shooting a final dirty glance at Miranda.  
“I am going to die.” Miranda gasped. Alexa shot her a weird look as Shelby began to cackle.  
“What?”  
“I called her Nat. She’s going to hand me my heart on a platter.” Miranda put her head on the table. “I survived but I’m dead.” She groaned. Leah grinned.  
“She’s not going to kill you,” She said, patting Miranda’s head.  
“Not that you know of. I’ll just… go missing.” Miranda made a high pitched whining noise.  
“You guys already ate?” Clint said from behind her. She sat up and turned. He was holding a box of doughnuts. “I wasn’t going to make you eat cafeteria food on your first day!” Shelby raised her eyebrow.  
“Make? This stuff was delicious!” He pulled a face and dropped into a bench where Natasha had slid in.  
“You guys get your brains scrambled yesterday? It’s cafeteria food!” He opened the box. There were all kinds of cool looking doughnuts in there, but nobody could even fit in another sip of coffee.  
“Nah, man. Oatmeal really sticks to ya.” Miranda said, waving her hand at a doughnut. “is that a boston creme pie doughnut” Clint laughed.  
“Yes. That’s a boston creme pie doughnut.” Miranda nabbed it and put it on a napkin.  
“I’m going to stare at it until I’m not full anymore.” She decided as Leah nibbled on a glazed.  
“Hold on,” Shelby said, “Where did you find these?” Her mouth was also full of doughnut.  
“Well, I-” Clint put a hand on the back of his neck and shrugged.  
“You went off base for doughnuts.” Miranda surmised with a grin. “You took a jet to go get doughnuts.” Clint shushed her and looked around.  
“God, do you want me fired?” Miranda started cackling. Leah grinned around the rest of her doughnut.  
“Wha do-nuh?” Clint sighed and grinned.  
“That’s more like it.”

 

 

“Hey, have you seen this video of-”  
“A pig in boots? Yep.” Alexa sighed. Everyone was sprawled on the bunks, browsing the internet. Gladly, everything mostly remained the same. Except for anything comics. Miranda accidentally tried to browse the HAWKEYE sub, to find it was about the Iowa Hawkeyes. Whatever that means.  
“Do you guys wanna see if the caf has some Coke?” Shelby asked.  
“Cocaine would make this so much better,” Miranda grumbled, sliding down from her bunk. Shelby rolled her eyes.  
“You know what I mean.” Miranda grinned as she shuffled out into the hallway.  
“No shoes?” Leah asked, holding up her shoes.  
“Nah, man. I’m not about that.” Alexa shrugged and kicked the shoe that she just put on off.  
They headed down to the cafeteria, chattering about various things they may or may not have seen on the internet earlier. They found the soda fridge in the far corner and everybody but Leah grabbed a Coke. She grabbed a tiny bottle of orange juice.  
As they sat down at a table, they cracked open the sweet elixir.  
“Does this…?” Alexa looked at Shelby and Miranda.  
“Pepsi.” Miranda growled. Shelby frowned disgustedly. They threw the cans in the trash, much to the lunch worker’s disapproval.  
“Does it really taste like Pepsi?” Leah asked, dumbfounded.  
“Y’know what,” Miranda said, making a left when it should have been a right. “I think it’s time to go talk to Fury.” She and the reluctant group marched- or shuffled, whatever’s your prerogative- to Fury’s door. “Oh, hey! Tommy!” Miranda greeted with a grin. He glared.  
“What are you here for?” He was standing at some sort of attention… Oh.  
“I gotta talk to Fury.” Thomas’s face went slack with the stupidity of that phrase for a moment.  
“You can’t just-That’s not how that works!” Miranda crossed her arms and straightened her back.  
“We have important information for Fury. Stuff that can bring down a whole organization. A whole, big, bad organization. Just like SHIELD.” Thomas had put his hands on his hips at this point and began jutting his chin out.  
“Hey, if you really have to, I can bring a message into the head of SHIELD and see how happy he is about that.” He challenged. “What kind of information do you have?” Miranda gritted her teeth and looked around at the rest of the girls.  
“We can’t just say that to him, can we?” Shelby shook her head violently.  
“What if he’s….?” Alexa and Leah nodded.  
“No chance.” Leah said.  
“We don’t even know him.” Alexa said, pointing to herself and Leah.  
“Sorry, Tommy-boy, no can do.” Miranda said, turning. “He got like, an email address or something?” Thomas was wracked with a wave of anger.  
“No.” He ground out. “No, he does not have an email address.”  
“What, no ‘patches@shield.gov’?” Miranda quipped. Thomas pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets.  
“No, Christ no.” He wiped his face down with his hand. “Why are you doing this?”  
“What in the hell is going on out here?” Fury said, cracking the door. “Agent Morgan, I thought you were on security detail.” Thomas paled temporarily.  
“No, sir, he’s doing a good job,” Miranda stammered. “He wouldn’t even tell me your email,” Thomas shot her some side eye. “We really have to talk to you. It’s of utmost importance.” Fury rolled his eyes- er, eye- and opened the door wider.  
“I don’t have an email.” He grumbled as the posse slid in the door.  
Thomas stared after them in awe. Miranda winked at him.  
“Later, Agent Tommy.”  
“What is this utmost important information?” Miranda nods at Shelby, who pulls what looked like a cassette player out of her pocket. Fury stared at her in disbelief. “What, do we need a soundtrack to get this on?” Shelby swept the cassette player up and down the walls until it let out a shrill whine.  
“No-let me,” Alexa mashed Miranda’s face with her hand but Leah got there first.  
“Got it!” She reached under a shelf on the bookshelf and squashed a small mechanical device. Shelby finished the room without incident.  
“Damn you,” Miranda grumbled as she took a seat.  
“What was that?” Fury asked, even though he already knew.  
“Bug sweeper,” Shelby answered, also sitting down. “We swept up the bugs, no worries. We can talk now.”  
“A bug in my office. Is the utmost important information to do with that?” Miranda nodded.  
“Broadly, yes. SHIELD has been infiltrated by HYDRA.” She just dropped it on him, assuming what happened next wasn’t going to. He started laughing.  
“HYDRA? Don’t you think I would have noticed?” Everyone exchanged looks.  
“If you don’t believe me, grab, hmmmm….” Miranda peeked out of his window. “That guy!”  
“Agent Johanson?” Miranda rolled her eyes.  
“He even sounds German. Check his teeth for a cyanide capsule! Those aren’t SHIELD issue.” Fury struck her with a droll look.  
“Do I look like a dentist to you?” Miranda started to protest, but Shelby cut her off.  
“No, don’t grab that guy, Jesus,” She rolled her eyes. “The static, between the SHIELD transmissions. They’re hiding directives there.” Fury raised his eyebrows. “Send it to Fitz-Simmons.”  
“How do you know about Fitz-Simmons? Their team is clearance level 7 and you don’t even have a clearance level.”  
“TV! For one point, have you had a chance to look at any of the stuff we dragged out of our apartment? For another, we know it was HYDRA that tried to kill us at our house and that they used Barton’s tracking arrow to find us. So we know for a fact that they’re still alive and kicking, and also, how else are they going to have access to that tec other than from the inside of SHIELD itself?” Fury blinked a couple of times before settling back into his chair.  
“We’ve known for a long time that HYDRA was still around. We just couldn’t pinpoint any bases. You’re telling me that the base is here?” There was a knock at the door. “Agent Garrett, come on in.” The girls swiveled in their chairs to face him.  
“Hello, Director. Who are these young ladies?” All four of the ‘young ladies’ were throwing Atlas-sized shade at him.  
“These are new recruits. What can I do you for, John?” Fury looked at the girls, who were each silently willing him to stay quiet in their own way.  
“Just coming in to see how that file I gave you this morning was reading, is all. Haven’t had to file paperwork in a while, let me tell you. Hey, that’s what comes with getting old. You hear that, girls? Never get old. Stay young and beautiful, and you’ll never run out of jobs.” Miranda and Alexa shared a dirty look. “Anyway, you look pretty busy, there, boss, so I’ll let you at it. See you ladies around.” He waggled his eyebrows. Everyone had a strong case of nausea. As soon as the door shut, Shelby sprung up with her cassette tape.  
“Listen, do you think it was a coincidence that he came in here right after we smashed the bug?” Alexa said, leaning in.  
“He was nosing around to see why Fury Radio Hour was off air.” Miranda chimed in frantically.  
“We’re clean. I didn’t think he touched anything, but we had to make sure.” Shelby said, looking harried.  
“He’s HYDRA. He’s one of the nasty heads of HYDRA in SHIELD.” Leah said. Fury nodded slowly.  
“He’s the first Project DEATHLOCK.” Alexa added nervously. “His side, you’ll see the panel.”  
“You also might know him better as the Clairvoyant.” Shelby said, sitting back down after pacing the length of the room.  
“He’s Warde’s S.O.” Miranda said, crossing her arms. “That’s no coincidence.”  
“Warde? Like Grant Warde?” Fury said, leaning his forearms on the desk.  
“YES.” The girls all said in unison.  
“This is a lot to take in. How do I know-” Shelby sighed exasperatedly.  
“How would we know about Grant Warde, or S.O.s, or the Clairvoyant? Jesus Christ, this would go a lot faster if you could just believe us!” Alexa sat back and crossed her legs.  
“Or did your homework.” Fury scowled for a second.  
“Fine. How do I go about finding these HYDRA sleepers?”  
“Check the feed I told you about earlier. Fitz-Simmons should be able to trace who’s receiving the orders as they go out. Also, feel free to watch the DVDs we gave you and look for any familiar faces.”  
“Just bring Coulson’s team in.” Miranda chimed in.  
“What?” Fury said, surprised for the first moment that day.  
“Come on, come on, the Guest House, GH-325, the Kree alien, T.A.H.I.T.I., it’s a magical place, let’s get a move on!” Miranda said, standing up.  
“Why do you think you can come in here and give me orders?” Fury said, leaning forward. “How am I supposed to know that those DVDs aren’t just some HYDRA propaganda, and that you four aren’t the sleeper agents?”  
“Holy shit,” Alexa said leaning back.  
“The bunker. The bunker with the one Koenig brother… Uh, uh,” Shelby said frantically, looking to Leah and Alexa.  
“Eric! Eric Koenig! The super lie detector! You are the only one that knows about that bunker. You don’t even have it written down anywhere.” Miranda finished. Fury nodded slowly.  
“During this meeting I have been suspicious, I have been angry, and I have been confused. Right now, I am surprised.” He paused for a moment. “How was that contingency plan going to go into effect?” He stared down Miranda and Shelby.  
“The badge,” Alexa said.  
“You were gonna send coordinates to Coulson’s badge if something dramatic happened. Like the fall of SHIELD and you faking your death.” Miranda added.  
“You were going to make him director,” Leah said.  
“And nobody knows anything about this.” Shelby said. “Maybe Hill?” Everybody looked at each other, muttering maybes.  
“Alright. I’m starting to get that you know what you’re talking about.” Fury began to stand. “I’ll call Coulson’s team in. If this pulls through, I might be able to start trusting you lunatics.” He slid in his chair and gestured to the door. “Maybe.”

 

Five minutes later, the Bus was on its way to the Helicarrier. Fitz-Simmons were tracking every word said over the comms, Warde was distracted and thrown into the honeycomb room, and Skye was told that if she could wait out the next fifteen minutes, she would have all the answers and more. She skeptically nodded and went to try and dig up some info on the names she had overheard. May raised an eyebrow when Coulson told her to change course.  
"Fury says he trusts them. Either they have a gun to his head or he really does trust them." May nodded  
“Either way, we need to get there and figure it out.” Coulson nodded and left the room to check on the rest of the team. Skye was pacing.  
“What did they mean by ‘all the answers and more’?” Coulson chuckled.  
“I’m assuming the answer to that question is included,” He said levelly.  
“I found them on the usual channels. Well, all but one of them. They aren’t related in any way, the other three, and the one’s dead.” She said quickly, pulling up Facebook pages, news articles, and university pages.  
“We’re touching down.” May said over the intercom.  
“Looks like we’ll see in a minute,” Coulson replied.

“Coulson.” Fury nodded to him in the bay. Coulson shook his hand.  
“Fitz-Simmons has found the directives. Your intel was good.” He replied. Fury shook his head.  
“Not my intel. I can’t take credit where credit isn’t due. It was these guys.” The girls stood to the left and waved to the crew in front of them. “This is Miranda, Leah, Shelby, and Alexa.”  
“Hello!” Simmons chirped, waving. Fitz raised a hand with a furrowed brow.  
“Was it also these guys who decided to lock up Warde?” He asked.  
“Yes. And I believe them.” Fury replied. Fitz blinked a couple of times, then nodded.  
“What do you think he did?” Skye asked, suspicion and blame in her tone. Shelby looked at Fury, who nodded.  
“Let’s get to our office.” Fury responded by rolling his eyes.  
By ‘our office’, Shelby meant that the girls had taken over a mostly unused conference room and set up shop. Their computers were moved in and they took the liberty of hanging up all of their Marvel posters they could get their hands on. They even hung a few comics on the wall with Command strips they found in a reluctant Thomas’s top drawer.  
(“You guys can’t just take over the conference room,” He had warned.  
“When do they actually use this one? They use the one upstairs more,” Miranda responded.  
“How do you even know that?” Thomas had hissed. Miranda grinned and thanked him for the Command strips. “And I didn’t say you could have those! I haven’t been off base in weeks!” He yelled down the hall. His superior told him to get back to work. Miranda noted to get him a bunch of office supplies next time she was off base.)  
Shelby had violently sweeped for bugs and managed to find four. One for each of them to mush. Then she placed something she made out of a mint tin and some stuff she ordered from ThinkGeek awhile back to scramble any radio frequencies in the area. Including wifi that wasn’t on a frequency she set up another network on. This network used satellites or some shit. Miranda had trouble spelling some of the words she had used to describe what she did, let alone getting it. She was just glad Shelby liked her.  
Everyone sat around the table in the center of the room.  
“This room is safe to talk in.” Alexa explained.  
“We’ve been infiltrated by HYDRA.” Fury said calmly. “And these girls mean to help.” Coulson and May kept their faces schooled, but Fitz and Simmons looked like they had been doused in very hot, then very cold water.  
“HYDRA?” Fitz asked.  
“And you think Warde…?” Simmons continued. Shelby nodded.  
“We know Warde.” Skye threw her hands into the air.  
“Know Warde what?” Miranda frowned.  
“We know Warde is attached to HYDRA. We intend to prove it.” Skye widened her eyes.  
“How?”  
“We’re going on an adventure,” Miranda replied. Her entire group gave her side eye, but didn’t say anything.  
“To where?” Miranda was careful to answer every single question she asked as truthfully as possible, to ensure her trust. If this went sideways, a lot of people were going to die.  
“To Providence.” Fury blinked. He hadn’t known they knew the name. Miranda had literally just remembered it. “They have a state of the art lie detector there that will leave no doubt.”  
“How do you know this?” Skye leaned forward. “Who are you?”  
“Where we come from, you guys are comic books and TV shows and movies, and we read and watched all of it. We know a lot of stuff, and when you’re ready, we will tell you anything. We don’t know how we got here. We’re thieves-”  
“We used to be thieves,” Leah said with a giant grin at Coulson and Fury.  
“Yeah, that, and during one gig, I ran right into one of the field agents here at SHIELD. They picked us up after a few days,”  
“It was one.” Fury interjected, looking offended.  
“Okay, one and a half,” He glared. Coulson looked impressed. “and it ended up that instead of stealing cell phone specs like we had thought, we stole HYDRA documents. In our world, HYDRA isn’t real. We don’t know how this happened.” She reiterated. “We’d appreciate any help you can give us. We know you’re good at intel.” Shelby nodded. “As good as Shelby, probably. You guys should collaborate.” She added. Skye sat back in her chair and looked at them, stunned.  
“What else do you know about me?” She asked quietly.  
“Everything.” Leah said softly, patting her hand across the table. “We’ll tell you everything after we’re all out of danger. You’re going to need time to process, and it might hurt a little.” Skye’s eyes got misty and she nodded. “No, no, it’s going to be okay!” Leah nervously looked at Shelby and Alexa. Miranda looked like a deer in the headlights.  
“I’m going to take a minute,” Skye said, nudging her head at the door. Coulson nodded and May stood up. “No, I’m fine. I’ll just… I’m fine.” Skye went outside, and through the windows, they watched her go into the restroom.  
“Listen, this sounds creepy, but is there any way we can keep an eye on her until she gets back?” Alexa asked cautiously. “We weren’t joking when we said it’s dangerous.” May nodded and also went outside.  
“What do you really know about her?” Coulson asked, staring Miranda straight in the face. She thought she was going to catch fire.  
“Who her parents are. Where they are now. Who she is.” Miranda said, purposefully vague. “I know this sounds like an asshole move, and I’m genuinely sorry. I’m not going to pretend like this isn’t the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. But we really need to focus on HYDRA. Impossibly bad things happen if we let this go.”  
“Like what?” Fitz spoke up.  
“Cap has to take down three Helicarriers. Many, many people die. You-” Shelby cut her off.  
“Lots of people also get injured in the process.” He looked at Miranda, then back to Shelby.  
“What were you going to say?” He asked Miranda. She gaped like a fish.  
“We have to tell them everything.” Alexa said, looking at Shelby. “It won’t help to keep secrets. Not here.” Miranda nodded. Shelby took a deep breath and looked Fitz in the face.  
“Warde… Warde hurts you.” Fitz blinked.  
“Hurts me how?” Simmons put a hand on his forearm.  
“He puts you and Simmons in a pod on the Bus. Then he ejects the pod into the ocean.” Coulson leaned back, visibly paled. May and Skye walked back in. Skye’s eyes were puffy. “There’s only enough oxygen for one to escape. You give it to Simmons.” Simmons covered her mouth and looked at him. “You survive, but you have brain damage.” She said, shakily sitting down. “We need you guys to help us.” Simmons nodded rapidly.  
“Absolutely, Fitz. Absolutely.” Fitz nodded, looking a little green.  
“I’m in.” Skye said fiercely. May slowly nodded once, looking at Coulson. Coulson nodded also.  
“What’s the plan?” He looked at Fury.  
“Don’t look at me. It’s their show.” He waved his hand in Miranda, Shelby, Alexa, and Leah’s direction. Miranda grinned from ear to ear.  
“Alright, so here’s the plan.” Shelby glared at her.  
“No, don’t listen to her. We don’t have a plant yet. That’s what we needed you here for.” Miranda frowned.  
“Nah, man. We talked about this.” Fury and Coulson looked at each other.  
“You weren’t serious earlier?” Leah said, scandalized.  
“I was.” Miranda responded, equally scandalized.  
“What. Is. Your. Plan.” Fury cut in, antagonized.  
“My plan is that the four of us go out there and point out all the people we know are HYDRA agents and the SHIELD agents tackle them.” Miranda said, spreading her hands out in front of her. “We make sure nobody sends any signals to anybody. Most of the level 8s and 9s are HYDRA. Agent Hand is clean. She knows about this. Can we talk to her? She can help.”  
“Agent Hand?” Fitz said irritably. “Naturally.”  
“I know, no extraction plan. That was a dick move and I hated her so bad for a minute.” Miranda said.  
“Is she allowed to know that?” Fitz asked Coulson.  
“I really don’t know.” He replied. “But I’m glad she does. Let’s clean up this plan a little bit. Can we get Agent Hand on the horn without arousing suspicion?”  
“Already done,” Fury replied. “She’s on her way to the secure line.” Coulson nodded.  
“Hello?” Hand answered, breathily. “Director Fury, what’s going on?”  
“We have some intel that we think you have as well.” Fury said, silencing everyone with a look. This had to be delicate. “Are you among friends?”  
“No.” She said quietly. “And I haven’t been for awhile.”  
“Do these people have more than one head?” There was a pause.  
“Yes. What is the plan, sir?” She said, somehow even more quietly.  
“We will let you know the second we find out. Do you have friends?” Another pause.  
“Yes.” Fury nodded slowly.  
“Keep them close, Agent Hand. Keep these people on watch. Report in when you can.” Agent Hand hung up the phone.  
“Now we need to figure out how to organize.” Alexa chipped in. “If everybody that’s not HYDRA-”  
“hydra or not hydra” Miranda hissed. Everyone stared at her until Alexa quit giggling and started talking again.  
“If all the not HYDRA can organize and all strike at once, they won’t have time to disappear or call backup.” Everyone began to get the wheels turning.  
“Can we get Hand to be the epicenter?” Shelby asked. “She has a better grasp of HYDRA or not HYDRA than we do.” Fury nodded slowly.  
“Get her to get the people at the HUB together, we’ll get our people together. What about the other three Helicarriers?” He looked at Coulson, who was also deep in thought.  
“Send us.” Leah said. “If we could prove to you that you could trust us, we could prove it to everybody else.” Fury looked at Leah, then the rest of the girls. They all nodded.  
“We’ll go.” Miranda said, nodding again. “There’s four of us. Where do you want us?”  
“Shelby is good with technology, or so I hear.” Shelby nodded. “You can go with Skye, Fitz and Simmons and try and find a way to find and take down their comms systems.” Coulson said. “Leah, Alexa, and Miranda can be sent to a Helicarrier each to gather some forces. We’re going to need all the hands we can get.” He said, standing. “I’m going to deal with Warde.”Alexa watched Skye, ,who frowned but nodded. “We’ll see if he gives anything that we can use. May, work with them on a cover story.” He gestured at Alexa, Leah, and Miranda. “They’re recent Academy graduates. Make them act like it.”  
“But we aren’t-” Miranda started.  
“Now you are. Or at least, now you get to pretend you are. It’s gotta be waterproof and airtight or you will die.” He said, leaning forward on the table. “Does anyone here know you haven’t been to the Academy?”  
“Ah, fuck,” Miranda muttered. “Other than Natasha and Clint, who aren’t HYDRA by the way, Agent Tommy out there.” Coulson and Fury gave each other grave looks.  
“Go get him,” Fury ordered.  
“Pleasedontkillhim,” Miranda said, eyes wide. “I didn’t know I was going to need a cover. Fuck, seriously, lock him up somewhere if you have to but I don’t want some poor kid to die because I’m an asshole.” She rubbed the bridge of her nose under her glasses.  
“We aren’t going to kill him,” Coulson said at the same time that Fury said “We will do what we have to,”  
“Oh lord,” Alexa muttered, sitting down. “We’re all going to die.” Coulson huffed a laugh.  
“May, please go find Agent Tommy.” May nodded and stood. A few seconds later, May returned with an absolutely green Thomas.  
“Am-am-am-” He started, seeing the collection of people around him. “You.” Thomas said with a venom that Miranda honestly felt a little.  
“Take a seat, son.” Fury said, ignoring the fact that Thomas hadn’t blinked since he saw Miranda. “We need to have a talk.”  
“Sir, I honestly have nothing to do with her. She’s been a pain in my ass, excuse me for my language sir, since she got here. I have been trying so hard, but she’s everywhere. It’s like I’m going insane.” He put his head on the table and folded his hands behind it. “Please don’t fire me,” He looked at Miranda and sighed.  
“Son, I’m not going to fire you. I’m going to give you an assignment. Under cover.”  
“Oh no,” Alexa whispered, bringing her hands to her mouth.  
Thomas sat up, eyes wide and lip quivering.  
“Sir, if this is-” Fury held up a hand.  
“This is dire, Agent Thomas. I assure you, if you don’t do this, you won’t be fired.” Thomas let out a woosh of air. “We can’t let somebody suspected of being HYDRA walk out so easily.”  
All at once, more than three people started talking. In such a small room, that was the recipe for a cacophony.  
“SIR I HAVE NEVER-” Thomas started.  
“That wasn’t the best idea you’ve ever had-” Coulson cut him off, glaring at Fury.  
“Damn it, now we have to kill him-” Fitz sighed and rubbed his temples.  
“KILL HIM-KILL ME??” Thomas rounded on Fitz.  
“What’s with all the yelling-” The door slammed open.  
While the downstairs conference room was a jaunt from the main action center of the Helicarrier, it was by no stretch of the imagination soundproof. It was only a matter of time until somebody wondered what the noise was about.  
“Aw, Clint, no.”


	4. The One With The Newlyweds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah, Alexa, Thomas and Miranda are dispatched to their undercover operation, much to Thomas's dismay.

Clint had stayed incredibly quiet through the girls explaining what had happened. He nodded in all the right places, and when they got to the part about HYDRA being among them, he stiffened.

“Who?” Miranda sighed and sat back down.

“It’d be easier to list who wasn’t. I’m assuming Tommy over there isn’t,” Thomas was sitting in a chair in the corner with his head in his hands, breathing slowly in through his nose and out through his mouth. “You know Natasha isn’t. Fury and Coulson. The guys in this room. Agent Hand. She knows more than we do.” Miranda scrubbed her face down with her hands. “We’re going in to gather some forces and try and get some numbers before we strike. We’re going to have to get ahold of Cap, maybe some other guys. We have to start low and slow, though. They’re watching everything. There were four bugs in this room before Shelby swept them up.” Clint’s eye widened.

“Just in here?” Miranda nodded.

“One in Fury’s office too. This is going to be the only safe place from now on. Somebody needs to be in here at all times to make sure we haven’t been tampered with.” Miranda said, raising her voice a little higher. Coulson and Fury looked up from the plans that were being drawn and looked at each other.

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” Coulson responded with. “Good thinking. I’ll leave parts of my team here as your team is going to be spread thin.” Miranda nodded and continued looking at blueprints of the Helicarriers.

“Whoa, wait, your team?” Clint held up his hands. “When did she get a team?”

“We’ve had a team,” Shelby said from the corner where Fitz-Simmons, Skye and herself pushed another table over and began working on some signal blocking tech. “It just wasn’t a SHIELD team.” Clint shook his head quickly and wiped his face.

“There used to be some semblance of order before you came around.” He said bitterly.

“Tell me about it,” Thomas came to sit next to him.

“C’mon now, you can’t say that this isn’t a good thing,” Alexa chided, filling SHIELD issue backpacks with the supplies they were going to need for weeks at a different Helicarrier.

“I don’t know,” He said. “You guys haven’t been trained for any of this.” Miranda shrugged.

“Then we make it up as we go along. No big deal. You should know a thing or two about that.” She said, grinning slightly. He narrowed his eyes for a fraction of a second. “Man, I know stuff about you that hasn’t even happened yet.” Clint looked at her suspiciously, but said nothing.

“You wanted this tablet?” May handed it to Miranda.

“Excellent. Thank you!” She waved it at Clint. “Who needs training when you have books?”

“fred,” Alexa hissed as Miranda turned on the Kindle. Miranda casually ignored her.

“I’ve got a couple of books on here that can help.” She announced. Fury and Coulson stood up from some personnel files they were studying to weed out some good agents. “We don’t know who in the world is HYDRA for certain other than the people in this room. We don’t know who’s HYDRA in the weapons room, either.” Clint nodded slowly.

“Christmas,” he muttered, much to Fury’s chagrin. Miranda pointed at him.

“Bingo. They might notice some grenades going missing, but they sure as hell won’t notice cleaning supplies and stuff like that. If I start making a list, can you,” She pointed at Thomas, Leah, and Clint. “Start to collect stuff up? I’m going to be getting stuff also.”

“I’ll take a look at your plans so far and make sure they’re bullet proof.” May declared. Miranda nodded and smiled.

“Thank you! Let’s go get this stuff,” She motioned to her team for the moment. “Leah, please go with Tommy because he might stab me if I’m alone with him,” Thomas glared as Leah chuckled. “And Clint and I will go upstairs.”

“What are you planning on making?” Clint asked quietly on the way up the stairs.

“We each need a bug scanner like Shelby has, so we’re going to look for something for her to stick the guts into. We’re going to try to make some clever cleaning solution bomb, and the same wifi setup as is in the conference room for each of us.” Miranda paused. “I wonder if Fury has a list with my name on it for buying those books,” Clint gave her some side eye.

“You’re from another dimension.” Miranda shrugged.

“Point. I keep forgetting that.” She furrowed her eyebrows. “Back home, you guys are

just actors. I wonder if we have parallels here, too.” Clint frowned as they reached a supply closet.

“That’s a good question.” He jiggled the lock open and they both ducked inside.

“I’ll have to ask Skye.” Miranda put a bottle of cleaner in her backpack.

“Do you trust her?” He asked, dubiously. “With all the HYDRA around,” Miranda nodded.

“I didn’t at first, but I do now. After SHIELD falls, she’s one of Coulson’s most trusted.” A shadow fell over Clint’s face.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Coulson? If you know everything, then you know how… I don’t know, he was the only person that wanted me here in the beginning. It was like me, Nat, and him against the world.” Miranda stopped digging around in the shelves.

“I didn’t know how much it would help. All the talks with me you had about the system and how there’s rules here. It was classified to level 8 that he was alive.” Clint frowned. “I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. We need to stop Cap 2 from happening at all costs.”

“Cap 2?” Miranda threw some sponges into her bag for some reason. She wasn’t sure what they were going to need, ultimately. It was up to Shelby to Frankenstein some stuff together.

“Oh, the name of the movie that this happens in. Captain America: The Winter Soldier. It’s the second Captain America movie.” Clint’s eyes widened.

“The Winter Soldier? I thought he was just a myth,” Miranda grinned humorlessly.

“No, not a myth. Unfortunately. I’m pretty sure we’re going to find something like that in Chechnya.” She sighed and looked around for something to put bug sweepers in.

“We?” Clint asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

“As little as you want to trust us, we can still help. We actually really care about this. We’ll prove it by taking care of this issue, then we’ll see how much you trust us.” They came back to the conference room.

“Did you get something to put the bug sweeper in?” Shelby asked. Miranda shook her head.

“They don’t really have cassette players lying around,” she replied. Skye looked over at the bug sweeper Shelby had.

“It’s not like that’s conspicuous, either. Nobody carries cassettes around anymore.”

“Oh, I beg to differ,” Miranda muttered and received an elbow from Shelby.

“We can probably get this smaller and put it in your phone casing,” Fitz offered.

“Of course! It’d drain your battery a little bit,” Simmons replied. “But it’d be sweeping wherever you go and it would be more covert than doing an actual sweep with a cassette player,”

“I can slap together a quick app for you to view the results,” Skye said, rapidly opening and closing programs and typing on her computer.

“Oh, wait, let me see how you do this,” Shelby protested. “I’ve always wanted to learn how to make apps.” Miranda grimaced.

“Back in my day, you just punched stuff to make it stop bothering you,” she said in a gruff tone of voice. Clint chuckled.

“You would fit right in the Ops program at the Academy,” Fitz said, mock teasing.

“Once upon a time, I would have said you and Warde would have been friends.” Simmons said, frowning. “How are we going to deal with him?”

“I don’t know. Hopefully he sobers up in lockdown.” Leah gave her a look. They both knew that so far, Grant was six gallons of crazy in a five gallon bucket, but they couldn’t tell his team that just yet.

“Wouldn’t she fit right in, Tommy?” Fitz said with a pleasant look. Simmons nodded, also with a pleasant look. Thomas turned and glared.

“Sadly, yes.” He continued taking stock of the weapons that the Casual Thieves had brought with them. “How’d you get all of these on board?” There were so many knives that they were just in a pile on one end of the table, but Miranda had managed to bring two handguns and her bow and some arrows, Shelby had her giant dagger from the RenCon she went to awhile back, Leah had a few real bombs from god knows where, and Alexa had a hunting rifle. “Especially that,” he motioned to Alexa’s rifle.

“There are three questions that you should never ask a lady. Her age, her hair colorist, and where she gets her weapons.” Miranda said as she looked over the stuff in her pack. “A+ job here, Crick.” Alexa grinned.

“You get to do the knives and guns. Thats not my division.” Miranda chuckled as she took her stuff from Thomas.

“Hey, I wasn’t done inventorying that!” Miranda furrowed her brows at him as Leah started to pick out her favorite sharp and pointies.

“We do inventories?” She looked over at Clint. He shrugged, clearly not wanting to get into this one. “I mean, I do mine and the like but we haven’t ever done a full inventory.” Thomas breathed a long suffering sigh.

“It helps if you have to replace anything or if you lose something. It’s common sense. They taught us at the Academy-” Miranda cut him off.

“If they taught it to you, it isn’t common sense.” May looked up from the blueprint of the Helicarrier to nod a little. “If you really want to, you can do it. I’m not going to stop you. Are you guys?” Leah and Alexa shook their heads and put their stuff back down. “Let us know when you’re ready for us to pack up. We’ll go hit the showers and get ready to go.” Thomas blinked a few times in surprise.

“Oh, um, okay. Thank you. Can you put that back where you got it from?” Miranda set her guns back down and Leah put back the sharp and pointies. “Thanks,” The three of them filed out of the office and Miranda mock saluted Coulson and Fury.

“That’s a relief,” Coulson said as the door shut. “I thought we were going to have to give her the Talk.” Skye pulled a face.

“I had already given her a few talks.” Clint stated, leaning back in his chair.

Shelby and Simmons shared a look.

“It’s like I’m eavesdropping,” Shelby muttered. Simmons nodded understandingly.

****  
  


Miranda took a detour down to the med wing first.

“Hey, I was in here the other day,” She prefaced.

“Ah, Miss Miller.” The woman at the front desk said with a smile. Miranda’s skin crawled. How did she know her by sight already? “You have an appointment for today, but in a few hours. What brings you so early?” Miranda smiled back, trying to make it look genuine.

“Oh, I just got really worried. It’s all red and inflamed, and I was wondering if you guys had some Neosporin or something to go. I’m not going to make it to my appointment later.” The appointment that doesn’t exist. The receptionist gave her a weary look, but brought her back to the doctor that had stitched her up.

“Miranda! Nice to see you. What brings you in here today?” Miranda explained again, eyes flashing back and forth between the lingering receptionist. “That’s fine! I’m glad you stopped in before letting it get bad. Let’s take a look.” He began prodding around and declared there to be a bit of an infection, but ointment would take care of it. “Why aren’t you wearing the sling?” Miranda chuckled.

“Oh, it just gets in the way! You know how it is. Thanks, Doc.” As Miranda turned to leave, something hard connected with the back of her head. She crumpled to the ground.

“What in the hell is taking her so long?” Clint griped from the office. Alexa and Leah were ready to be dropped off in their prospective Helicarriers, and Thomas was angrily pacing while calling Miranda’s cell phone.

“Nothing but trouble. I told you,” He sighed as it went to voicemail.

“Where would she go?” Coulson asked, leaning against the table.

“I don’t know,” Shelby said, worrying her lip.

“Well, we’ve finished putting everyone’s files into SHIELD’s system. Everybody graduated from Ops.” Skye supplied.

“Call her again.” Fury said, rubbing his temples.

Miranda woke up strapped to a gurney. The receptionist paced back and forth and the doctor laid on the floor with a bullet wound in his head.

“Damn you,” Miranda muttered. “He was half decent at a stitch.” The woman stopped pacing and glared at her.

“Who are you?” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“Miranda Miller. You have my file.” The woman sat down in front of a tablet.

“No, actually we do not. There are no files on a Miranda Miller anywhere in SHIELD.” Ah, fuck. Miranda leaned her head back.

“Well, did you try my middle name? It’s Lee.” The woman huffed and changed her search criteria.

“Oh.” Thank god. “Well- I, um.” She didn’t know who she owed money, but someone just won the lottery.

“Who exactly did you think I was?” Miranda said, beginning to loosen her left hand. The receptionist stood up.

“I don’t know who else to tell.” She started to cry as she took the restraints off of Miranda’s wrists. “The doctor was HYDRA. I thought you were too. You didn’t have a file. I thought- I don’t know, you were so friendly with him.” Miranda laughed humorlessly as she undid her feet.

“That’s because he’s good at doing stitches. I’m not HYDRA. As a matter of fact, if you can get this guy somewhere-” She nudged the doctor with a toe. “I can get some people together to help you. You’re safe now.” The receptionist nodded gratefully. “What’s your name?”

“Jessica.” Miranda peeked out the window of the room.

“Jessica, can you think of anybody else that has been acting shifty?” Jessica put the doctor in a supply cabinet and locked the door with a key around her wrist. She nodded.

“I’ve been keeping track. I see most of the people on board, at one point or another. I can give you a list.” Miranda smiled.

“This is the best thing that has happened all day.” She muttered. “Alright, get that list and lets get out of here.” She sprayed the floor with some alcohol and wiped up the spot of blood from the doctor’s head. Jessica went to her desk and pulled out a legal pad.

Jessica and Miranda made their way down to the office. Miranda had a throbbing headache and still had the spins, but they had to get somewhere safe fast.

“Where the hell have you been?” Thomas growled when she opened the door.

“Sorry, guys, but Jessica here thought I was HYDRA.” Miranda rubbed the back of her head. “What did you hit me with?” She asked, curious. Jessica reddened.

“A bedpan.” Miranda groaned.

“Not used, I hope?” Jessica shook her head as she made eye contact with Fury.

“Oh, thank God, sir!” She held the list out for him. “This is a list of people that I have suspicions of being HYDRA on this ship.” Miranda pointed at her with a grin. Thomas furrowed his eyebrows.

“What were you doing in the med bay? And how did she get the jump on you?” Jessica shot him a glare. “No offense, Jessica, but she’s-”

“None taken. She had some stitches in her shoulder that got a little infected.” Jessica cut him off. It seemed, however, that offense was taken. Miranda vowed to ask Thomas about that later.

“Stitches for what?” Jessica shrugged and looked at Miranda.

“Clint shot me,” Miranda said immediately. “Like an asshole.” Clint groaned.

“I apologized for that twice already.” Miranda grinned.

“I’m actually going to go shower and get my stuff together this time.”

“I’ll go with you.” Clint offered. Miranda raised an eyebrow. “Nobody else managed to get attacked.”

“That’s a good idea.” Coulson piped up. “We’re going to take Shelby and the rest of my team back to the Bus. Now that Jessica’s here, can you stay down here and watch the Office? We need to make sure nobody tampers with anything.” They began to pack away the blueprints and plans. “The Bus will be the base for these operations. Clint will drop each of you off at the other Helicarriers. Your comms will be fed to the Bus and the Bus only on a secure feed. You have five days.” The four of them nodded. “Jessica, you and Director Fury will work together to gather more non-HYDRA agents here on this Helicarrier.” Fury nodded. “We’re trying our best to keep this whole organization from collapsing. Let’s get to work.”

“Alright, guys, as usual, I’ll be in your ears the whole time.” Shelby said giving Thomas a comm and starting her schpeel. She handed out small round creations. “This goes in your phone, This tab,” She pointed to a flat piece of metal. “Slides in between your battery and the rest of the phone to suck up some juice to power the bug scanner.” She handed the four of them one each. “We’re working on more now to give everybody. If you’ll give us your phones, Skye and I can download the app to view the bugs directly from your phone.” Everyone passed over their phones.

“Aw, damn it.” Thomas swore. Shelby gave him some side eye.

“An iPhone? Really?” Skye complained. “You’ll be with Miranda. Stick to her like glue then. Jessica!” She called. “Do you have an iPhone?” Jessica shook her head. “Good! C’mere.” They installed the app on the four phones quickly.

“Alright, now we have these for you.” Three black boxes were passed out. “These will shut down the signal for both SHIELD and HYDRA communications.  They’re on the same frequency, so we couldn’t block one and not the other.Your comms are not on this frequency, so you will be able to talk to us. Do not use this until you have some people together because they will notice immediately and shit will hit the fan.” Shelby finished. “Good luck, guys.”

“You two are going to be more suspicious than most.” Fury said to Miranda and Thomas. “We scrubbed your record of every being here, but rarely are two recruits put in the same station at the same time. So, you two are now engaged.” He handed Miranda a modest ring that she put on. “Congratulations.” Thomas spluttered.

“Sir!” Fury glared at him.

“This is what undercover looks like, Agent Thomas. I’m sure you two can pretend to at least like each other for a few days.” Thomas nodded but swallowed hard. “Trust nobody except for those who have proved themselves. Even then, don’t trust them too hard. Check in often.” He gestured to Miranda. “Go get ready. Plane leaves in a half hour.” Miranda nodded and left, Clint trailing behind her.

“What’s the real reason you wanted to come with me?” Miranda asked when they hit the stairs.

“What do you mean by you know things that haven’t happened yet?” Miranda pulled a face.

“Wait a second.” She pulled him into the girl’s bunk room and whipped out her phone and checked the app. It was clean. “Good. So, there’s a lot of stuff that you don’t know yet. I’m not even sure where I sit in this timeline here.” She decided that a shower was less important than this conversation and began throwing things into a bag. “How’s your brother?” Clint looked taken aback.

“Um, Barney?” Miranda nodded. “I haven’t seen him in years.” Miranda went through a few things in her head. Loads of things haven’t happened yet.

“How do you feel about the Scarlet Witch?” He screwed up his face.

“Who’s that?” Miranda nodded.

“So that bit of Avenger’s history hasn’t happened yet. You and Natasha?” Miranda lead on, not wanting to say it out loud. Clint looked confused. “Uh, relationship status?” He nodded.

“Uh, we were, a thing,” He cleared his throat.

“Ah. Okay. Um, do you know a Mockingbird?” He shook his head. “Wow, this is really early on. Okay. Wow, loads of things to talk about.” Miranda paced.

“Do I want to know? You look insanely nervous.” Clint sat back on Alexa’s bed.

“From here on out, lots of things hurt. Like, I’m talking I think the writer of your comics once met an archer he didn’t like.” Clint stared at her, bewildered.

“Really?” Miranda nodded grimly.

“Everybody’s story hurts here. Except maybe Tommy. He doesn’t have a solo comic so it looks like he’s going to be alright.” Clint grinned.

“I have a solo comic?” Miranda laughed and sat on Shelby’s bed.

“Yeah. A couple.” He sat up, smiling from ear to ear.

“A couple? Wow! Am I one of the cool heros?” Miranda frowned.

“Uh, no. Sorry. They pick on you for not being some kind of superpowered guy and being on the Avengers.” She frowned deeper and noticed her Hawkeye hoodie poking out of her bag. She tried really hard to not bring attention to it.

“Aw, really?” Clint sat back on the bed again. “That sucks.”

“I mean, you have a fanbase. There’s like seven of u-er, them but boy are they loyal. There’s a couple of heros like that. Of course, Tony’s a big hit. Thor’s a big hit. Bruce is pretty cool, and Captain America is practically the mascot.” Clint rolled his eyes.

“So it’s the same as here?” Miranda laughed.

“Kind of.” She looked at the hoodie again and cursed herself for even bringing it. Clint sat up and followed her glance.

“What-” He looked closer. Miranda groaned.

“No, c’mon, don’t go through my stuff,” He pulled it out of the bag and looked at it for a minute.

“So you’re one of seven.” Miranda nodded behind Shelby’s pillow. “Wow. I mean, I figured because you know stuff about me. But, they sell these?” He held it up. She nodded.

“I do a small victory dance when you’re included on Avengers merch.” She admitted. He laughed and put down the hoodie.

“Only a small one?” She grinned.

“That’s relative. I should probably finish packing things.” She stood up, red as a beet, and began throwing her stuff into her bag.

“So, like, who else is involved in these comics?” He sat up when she was done putting stuff in her bag. She stood in front of the mirror and began trying to wrangle her hair into some semblance of a hair ‘do. “It’s weird to think about.”

“Everybody. There’s X-Men, Spider-Man, all kinds of factions of the Avengers and the X-Men. It’s pretty cool.” He looked nonplussed.

“Who’s the X-Men and Spider-Man?” Miranda’s eyes widened in shock.

“Oh, man, oh man, oh man!” She laughed. “This is practically heaven.” He shook his head.

“So are all Hawkeye fans as crazy as you?” He picked up her bag and began to follow her out the door. She pulled a face.

“I dunno. I haven’t met one.” He sighed and nodded.

“Seven of you. Right.” She laughed.

“There’s probably not seven. There might be eight.” He grinned.

“Now you’re just being an asshole.” She nodded gleefully. They reached the door of the Office and were met with Thomas.

“Are you guys ready now?” Clint and Miranda nodded. “Let’s get going!” The tech team and Coulson were already on the Bus. Fury and Jessica were going through the list that she had come up with. Everybody filed after Clint. It was a convenient short jaunt from the Office to the hangar, with little visibility to the rest of the Helicarrier.

There was very little chatting on the way over. They all put in their comms systems and fiddled with the volume until they reached the first Helicarrier. Leah was up.

“Alright. You know the plan?” Leah nodded. Clint radioed in to the carrier and they said

he was good to land. Leah and Clint walked off the jet and talked to the person who met them. Leah and the lady shook hands and she was lead into the Helicarrier.

“Shelby, Leah’s landed.”Miranda relayed. Shelby murmured a thanks and Clint got back on board.

“The newlyweds are next!” Thomas squawked in response and Miranda feigned offence.

“We aren’t married yet! We got engaged before graduation. Didn’t we, honey bunny?” Thomas looked green and Clint laughed.

“You’re going to have to work on that, Tommy.” He radioed to the second Helicarrier. They were unloaded and were met by a gruff man in his fifties.

“Kids these days.” He said, glaring back and forth between them. Miranda shot a look to Clint. “When I was your age,” Miranda thought ‘SHIELD was the SSR?’ “I had to be stationed on the other side of the world as my wife. We didn’t see each other for two years at one point!” Clint laughed awkwardly.

“Well, are you closer to her now?” He rubbed the back of her neck as Shelby cackled in Miranda and Thomas’s ear.

“No!” He barked. “Unless you count being in the air closer. She’s dead!” Clint smiled awkwardly and muttered his goodbyes. “You two, follow me. If you think you’re going to be bunking together, you are dead wrong. Not as long as I’m alive!” Thomas gave Miranda a long suffering look. If HYDRA didn’t kill them, this guy might. He took them down the hallway and stopped dead in one part of the bunk hallway. “This is your new roommate, girlie.” He kept walking with Thomas. Thomas turned and waved goodbye with a bewildered look on his face.

“Um, hi.” Miranda said with a wave. The surprised girl on the top bunk smiled.

“That’s Rodger. He can be a real bastard sometimes. I hear you’re the new recruit stationed with your fiance.” Miranda nodded.

“I’m Miranda. I just graduated. Naturally, I get the biggest hardass for my super. It’s not like I didn’t just graduate from Ops, amirite?” She said with a chuckle. The woman nodded.

“Hear, hear! How about that drill sergeant guy... Uh, aw, man, I forgot. I’ve been out of the Academy for years. Help me out,” Miranda set down her bag and smiled.

“I don’t remember either. I just kept my head down and did what I had to do. Yes sir, no sir. The usual.” The woman smiled.

“That’s how most of the grads do it. I’m Hailey.” She hopped down from the bed and stuck out her hand. They shook and Miranda plopped down on the bed. “Tomorrow morning, you get to get the full tour from Rodger. He’ll put you through the wringer, probably. Then you’ll get a list of assignments, mostly get this, file that, bring this to so and so. That’s what grunts do here, no matter what school you graduate from. Alexander Pierce is at the top of these new Helicarriers. Sometimes he meets with grunts and stations them where he thinks Project Insight needs them.” Miranda nodded stiffly. All kinds of bells were going off. She began to pack her stuff to finally go take a shower, then remembered she didn’t know where it was.

“Hey, uh, the shower is where?” Hailey laughed.

“Down the hallway and to the left. Girls on the right, boys on the left.” Miranda nodded.

“Thanks.” She hustled down to the shower room and took her phone with her. The app showed no bugs so she contacted Shelby.

“Hey. So, you should talk to Fury about Project Insight. Remember Alexander Pierce?”

“I do. Shit, what about him?” Miranda sighed and looked around again.

“He’s in charge of the operations over here. We’re in for a lot more trouble than we think we are. Try and let everybody else know.” Shelby let Miranda go about her shower as usual, and when she returned to her bunk, Hailey wasn’t there. Miranda decided to try and go to sleep. She wasn’t sure what was going to happen tomorrow, but she wasn’t about to arrive sleepy.

 


	5. The One Where Miranda Falls Asleep on Alexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HYDRA, HYDRA, everywhere and not a drop to drink.

“Hey, get up.” Miranda peeped an eye open, and immediately looked at her phone.

“It’s one in the morning,” She moaned. Hailey ripped her blankets off and Miranda growled.

“This is important. You have to meet someone.” Miranda glared and sat up. She really, really hoped that Hailey wasn’t trying to recruit her to HYDRA. She didn’t have the patience for this.

“Damnit.” Miranda groaned. “Why, man? I just met you today. How do I know you’re not a crazed psycho?” Hailey rolled her eyes.

“Where would I hide the body?” Miranda thought of her lifeless corpse being dumped out of the hangar.

“I could think of some places.” She got out of bed and started putting some pants on.

“Psycho,” Hailey turned on the light. Miranda hissed.

“That was uncalled for,” she grumbled as she put on a bra and a shirt. She stepped into some shoes and followed Hailey out into the hallway and down to a place she hadn’t been yet. It looked like a small interrogation room, and inside there was another man and two more women. Hailey opened the door and they walked in.

“Guys, this is Miranda. Miranda, this is Isabella, Bethany, and Harper.” Miranda waved at each of them in turn. “She’s the one new recruit. The other one should be down here in a minute.” Great. That would make their numbers higher. Miranda discretely patted her pocket where her knife sat. After a moment of awkward silence, Thomas and another guy walked in.

“Joseph! This is Miranda.” The man nodded at her. Thomas looked absolutely terrified.

“You guys are probably wondering what this is about.” Hailey started. “We’re here on behalf of Alexander Pierce.” Fuck. “He has a… special group… of agents that he hand picks, and you guys were snapped up surprisingly fast. Probably because you both graduated at the top of your class.” Thomas nodded minutely and Miranda shifted uncomfortably. “You would have to go through an oath, of course, but that’s no big deal.” This sounded like HYDRA. HYDRA or not HYDRA? “What do you guys think?” Thomas looked at Miranda, waiting for any cue.

“I think I’m not sure who this Pierce guy is. I’ve never heard of him.” Thomas nodded.

“He was never mentioned at the Academy. Is he new?” He moved closer to Miranda.

“Guys, find a way out of that room.” Shelby whispered over the comms. “Fury is talking pulling everyone. We told him about Pierce and he has had suspicions for awhile.” Fuck.

“No, he’s not new. He’s been an integral part to this whole program you’re apart of. This is a prime opportunity. You guys should be proud of yourselves.” Hailey moved closer.

“I think we’re going to have to turn it down.” Miranda said assertively. “I never want anyone to be able to say that I owe them any success that comes to me.” Thomas nodded.

“Ooh, good line,” Shelby whispered. Thank god for tiny comms units.

“We’ve never had anyone turn us down.” Joseph said, with a frown. “You would be the first.” They all looked at each other knowingly. “We can’t have you talking about this with others.” Isabelle nodded slowly and began circling around to the other side of the table where Miranda and Thomas stood. Fuck.

“How many people have you guys invited to your club?” Miranda asked.

“Oh, dozens. Everybody that comes in here and shows any kind of promise.” Harper said with a drawl and a smile. Miranda really didn’t want to beat him up. Thomas lunged for the door and Hailey lashed out with a leg. Ultimately, Thomas was faster. Miranda was on his heels with her knife drawn.

“You said you weren’t going to murder me!” Miranda yelled, taking the chance of drawing attention.

“I lied!” Hailey replied.

“Get to the hangar!” Shelby said, frantically. Thomas hollered an affirmative and slid down a hallway. Miranda followed suit.

“Is this happening to anybody else?” Miranda asked over comms.

“Everybody else. Leah has already been picked up, we’re on the way to you.” Miranda hiccuped for a second.

“We?” Thomas looked back at her, also confused.

“Yeah. We’re bringing the Bus to you.” The Bus wouldn’t have time to land in the hangar and take off again- oh shit.

“We’re going to die,” Thomas chanted as they ran into the hangar. “We’re going to die, we’re going to die,”

“Shut the fuck up, Tommy!” Miranda yelled, slamming the button to open the hangar. Wind immediately whipped around them and it became hard to breathe. The hangar door on the Bus was open and it was getting closer.

“Jump now!” Coulson yelled. Miranda took a deep breath and vowed not to look down.

“You go!” Tommy pushed her to the door. “I’ll stall for these guys,” The HYDRA friends came into the hangar. Miranda kept eye contact with Coulson and threw herself across the gap. He caught her forearms and she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Coulson pulled his sidearm and began to shoot at the HYDRA friends, giving Thomas some time to jump.

“Come on!” Thomas turned and began to run. Right before he was to jump, Hailey stood up with a gun. “Coulson!”

“I see her.” He took aim and shot just as Hailey did and Thomas jumped. Thomas faltered and almost the ramp, and stumbled backward.

“Shit!” Miranda yelled, grabbing him and throwing herself backwards. Both of them fell backwards onto the ramp as the Bus’s door began to shut.

“May, get us out of here! Either of you hurt?” Miranda shook her head, but Thomas looked pale.

“Oh, fuck,” Miranda’s hands were covered in blood. Thomas had been hit in the ribs. “Simmons!” She bellowed as she hauled Thomas up. Coulson took his other arm and they walked him into the lab. Leah was standing with Shelby, both looking pale and nervous.

“Oh, shit,” Shelby swore as Leah covered her mouth. “How bad?”

“I don’t know. Where’s Simmons?” They sat Thomas on a bench. Leah was already halfway up the stairs, shouting for Simmons.

“No, Alexa, we’re still on the way. Stay in the supply cabinet. We’ll tell you when we get there and you’ll make a run for it.” Alexa said something else over her line. “Thomas was hit.” Thomas grunted.

“You assholes still think I’m HYDRA?” He wheezed. Simmons, Leah and Fitz came barrelling down the stairs. Coulson went upstairs to the cockpit. Miranda chuckled wetly.

“No. No, I don’t think that even those sonsabitches would shoot their own.” Fitz corralled Leah, Shelby and Miranda.

“Go upstairs. Help Skye turn on the comms jammers. We’ve got to get them on remotely.” Miranda tried to protest that she couldn’t do any kind of programming, but Fitz hit her with a level look.

“Oh, god,” Miranda muttered, suddenly realizing. They didn’t think he was going to make it. “Fuck, this is my fault.”

“Please, guys, go upstairs.” He said softly. Miranda started up the stairs when Skye met her at the top.

“Fitz!” Simmons exclaimed and he ran over to her. Skye took Miranda by the arm and let her upstairs, Leah and Shelby quickly following suit.

“You guys sit over here.” She gestured at the bar. “I’m going to see if I can do anything to help.” She rushed back downstairs. Miranda immediately grabbed the nearest decanter of liquor and poured herself a glass.

“This isn’t your fault,” Leah said softly. “It’s that bitch who shot him.” Miranda nodded, draining the glass.

“My fucking roommate. Why the hell are my roommates crazy people?” Miranda sniffed, reaching for the decanter again.

“No, no.” Shelby took the glass. “What if we have to fight tonight? You have to stay on your toes.” Miranda nodded as Coulson ran down the stairs.

“You can drink? Nevermind, we’re picking up Alexa.” Coulson ran to the hangar. Miranda stood and followed.

“No, don’t go down there.” Shelby warned. “Not you, Alexa. Go down there.” Miranda shook her head.

“If I can help, I’m going to. With Alexa, that is.” Miranda wiped her face and started down the steps. They had moved Thomas to a medical pod, but there was a lot of blood. Everywhere. Miranda sniffed again and hoofed it to the hangar. The door was open and Alexa was about to jump. No one was behind her, but Coulson had his gun out anyway. Alexa landed the jump and Coulson slammed the door shut.

“Holy shit, that’s a lot of blood.” She gestured breathlessly. “I’m a little dizzy. We’re really high up,” Ah, fuck.

“No, hey, we’re alright.” Miranda started before looking frantically at Coulson. He frowned and they carried her to the lab like they had Thomas.

“Oh god, that’s a lot of blood.” Alexa said, starting to get her feet under her again.

“Everybody’s upstairs. Tommy was hit.” Miranda supplied. Alexa leaned against the counter for a minute before starting up the stairs.

“Afraid of heights,” Miranda explained to Coulson. He nodded.

“I’m going to check on Agent Thomas.” Miranda set her face and nodded back. She followed Alexa up the stairs.

“Everybody okay?” Alexa asked. Leah and Shelby responded affirmatively. Shelby was at the control panel, working on turning on the signal jammers.

“Got it. Signals are down. We gave one of our comms to Fury and Clint. They said everything is chaos where they are. Agent Hand is losing her shit. HYDRA managed to get a signal across before we could shut it down.” Miranda sat down heavily on a seat.

“Fuck. We failed. Everything is going to go to shit again.” Shelby spread her hands, looking for something to say.

“No, we didn’t. Not the whole way.” Leah replied. “There was a little more warning across the board. Maybe Hand got some people together and the impact will be less,” Alexa nodded.

“And we have Fitz and Simmons. That’s one thing that can’t go to shit. Warde is upstairs in the containment cell.” Miranda looked sharply at her. “Oh, I shouldn’t have said that,” Alexa said, eyes widening.

“Let’s see if we can beat some information out of him.” Miranda suggested. “Maybe he’ll have his change of heart earlier if we curb stomp his ass.” She stood.

“No. No!” Shelby said, standing between Miranda and the door to the cell. “We can’t just make up our own orders. That’s what causes things to go to shit, remember?”Miranda wiped her face.

“Then what do we do, sit here like assholes?” Coulson barrelled up the steps.

“What are your blood types?” Miranda turned.

“A neg,” She responded quickly.

“Good. Get down here.” She ran after him, skipping the top few steps.

“Why do you guys have a blood transfusion machine?” Miranda said as they jogged down the hallway.

“I’m not sure, but I’m glad we do. She’s an A negative!” Simmons sighed in relief.

“Thank goodness, he won’t make it back to the Helicarrier without something. He’s AB positive, so this should work with a varying degree of success. Have you donated in the past-”  
“It doesn’t matter, just do it.” Simmons nodded, swabbing her down with alcohol.

“I suppose it doesn’t- wait, were you drinking just now?” She smelled Miranda’s breath.

“Also doesn’t matter! Please,” Fitz handed her one end of the tubing of the machine with a needle attached.

“Actually-” Fitz shot her with a look. “Actually you’re right let’s get this started.” Fitz began prepping the other end of the tube while Skye continued to take Thomas’s pulse.

“Hey, I think it’s slowing down.” Skye said in a panicked voice. Miranda hissed as Simmons jammed the needle into her arm.

“You are very tense, I’m sorry,” She stammered. Coulson sighed.

“I wonder why.” Miranda forced a grimace and leaned back in the chair.They connected Thomas to the other side and started the machine. It kept beeping frantically, but Miranda was too afraid to ask what was happening.

“When do we know if he’s going to be okay?” Fitz looked at the monitor, somehow gaining real information from it.

“When his blood pressure gets up to 90 over 60, we should be in the clear.” The numbers he was gesturing at were 73 and 47. Miranda let out a woosh of air.

“That looks bad,” She muttered, instantly annoyed with herself for the reference.

“Not as bad as it could be.” Coulson replied. “They could be zero.” Miranda collected herself and tried to make her numbers less terrifying. Thomas’s numbers slowly climbed until the machine stopped beeping.

“How are you feeling?” Simmons asked, worry clear on her face. “He’s within a low range, but if you’re feeling okay we’d like to leave you on for only a little longer.”

“Tired. I’m not sure if its the adrenaline wearing off or too much blood.” Simmons looked at her blood pressure and pursed her lips.

“You’re still in a decent range. Do you want to stay on?” Miranda nodded quickly and immediately became nauseated. She didn’t say anything. After a few moments, she drifted off to sleep.

Miranda was woken up by Clint what felt like seconds later.

“Hey. I know you really just want to lay here, but we need you awake.” He shook her shoulder.

“Whoa, hey.” She gasped, looking around. Thomas wasn’t in the room any more.

“He’s alright. He’s in the med bay.” Miranda stood, panicking, remembering the HYDRA doctor. “He’s in the med bay with Jessica. On this Helicarrier, SHIELD has HYDRA down. Hand says a bunch of HYDRA got away at the Hub, but SHIELD took the base. The other Helicarriers are a mystery, but I’m assuming they’re HYDRA.” He sighed.

“The Fridge?” She asked. “It’s really important that the Fridge is still SHIELD.” He nodded.

“To my knowledge, we held down the Fridge. We can send a team out.” Miranda followed him out of the room.

“Where is Grant Warde?” Miranda said venomously. Clint turned at her tone of voice.

“He’s locked up here. Are you alright?” Miranda wiped her face.

“Keep a very close eye on him. Consider him a psychopath.” They left the Bus and made their way to the Office.

“Hey, if it isn’t the rest of the Dream Team.” Garrett clapped her on the shoulder. Miranda’s eyes widened.

“He’s HYDRA.” She stated simply, looking at the rest of the people in the room. She was too tired for bullshit. Clint blinked and Garrett froze.

“I- I don’t know what she’s talking about.” Miranda scanned for Fury.

“Fury knows about this. Where’s Fury? Where’s the rest of my team?” Clint frowned and lead Miranda away as two agents took custody of Garrett. Garrett shouted the whole way down the hallway.

“They’re upstairs with Thomas.” Miranda frowned.

“Is he going to be okay?” She and Clint began to make their way upstairs.

“We’re not sure yet. Jessica, Fitz, Simmons and the only SHIELD doctor are working on him now. They won’t let anybody in. Fitz came out at one point and said that the only reason he was still alive is because of the transfusion, but he wouldn’t say anything else other than to let you sleep.” Miranda started down the hallway with a purpose. “Hey, listen.” Miranda stopped and turned. “Whatever happens in there, it doesn’t matter what, it wasn’t your fault.” Miranda frowned as Clint put a hand on her shoulder. “We did the best we could, given all the circumstances. From what Alexa, Leah and Shelby are saying, a lot less people got hurt than what was supposed to.” Miranda nodded mechanically and started back to the bed bay. As they walked in the door, everyone looked up. It looked like a funeral party in there and Miranda’s stomach lurched.

“Fitz just came out and said they’re almost done.” Coulson responded. Skye nodded and began to rattle off a few things that she could remember he said. Miranda didn’t hear any of them. Natasha stood and closed the distance between herself and Miranda.

“Come sit down. If you don’t, you’ll fall down.” Miranda nodded. She was feeling a little woozy. She wondered if she looked as bad as she felt.

“What kind of casualties are we looking at?” She croaked after a few minutes. Fury frowned and looked gravely at her.

“We only know of about 20 here. There were a surprising amount of SHIELD agents to HYDRA. The Hub was hit far more heavily. Agent Hand lost a few of her own, but she’s alright. We don’t know yet about the other Helicarriers, but now that we know where Alexander Pierce stands we can assume they are total losses.” Miranda felt a cold shock go through her body.

“Shit, what about Project Insight? The whole point of that is to kill anyone that’s a threat to HYDRA. Cap is on that list.” Fury nodded.

“Again, thanks to you four, we got ahold of Captain Steve Rogers and he went underground. We already have some of our people working on shutting the project down from the inside.” Miranda nodded, leaning back.

“I know who is after Cap.” Miranda said, looking at Leah, Alexa and Shelby. They nodded in agreement. “It’s the Winter Soldier. The Winter Soldier is Bucky Barnes.” Natasha became very still where she stood next to Coulson. Clint, who was leaning on the wall next to Miranda gripped her shoulder. Miranda hissed, realizing that that hurt. A lot. “Fuck me,” She peeled her shirt back. Her shoulder was bleeding again, all but two of her stitches popped.

“Jesus, Fred.” Shelby muttered. Miranda shook her head and frowned.

“Is there any way we can stop him?” Fury asked, already giving information to a team.

“He gets brainwashed frequently, but eventually it wears off. Pierce was behind it. Is he dead now?” Miranda asked irritably. Fury shook his head. “Make him dead, please.” Clint chuckled.

“I’m not sure that it’s that easy,” Miranda shrugged.

“I don’t give a shit if I have to make him dead. Has the World Security Council been on the horn yet?” Fury glares.

“They’ve tried. I ignored them. They haven’t called back.” Alexa sat up really fast.

“Isn’t that who Pierce takes hostage?”Ah, fuck.

“A team will be dispatched immediately.” Miranda stands up.

“I’m on it.” She begins to leave. “Where is Agent Tripplet? I’d like him there as well. He’s a good guy.” Fury frowns.

“We’ll see if we can get ahold of him. Is it a good idea for you to be on any team other than Team Nap?” Miranda cracks her neck.

“No, I’m good. Somebody with a comm that works should be on the team anyway. If I can get a shot into the building, I can take him out before he kills the entire Council.” Fury got a far away look.

“Imagine, the entire Council dead. Not that I’m knocking your marksmanship, but I think we should send Barton and Romanov. Neither of them are injured, and neither of them gave two pints of blood just now.” Miranda nodded slowly.

“Two pints, huh?” Miranda sat back down. “That’s a lot.” She finished lamely. Clint rolled his eyes.

“I’ll go. It shouldn’t be too hard, right? Where’s the Winter Soldier supposed to be right now?” Miranda looked at Shelby.

“I think he’s supposed to be beating Cap up,” She supplied. Leah shrugged.

“He could be anywhere then.” Natasha said. “We’ll bring a big team.”

“What, no cognitive recalibration?” Miranda joked sleepily. Clint chuckled.

“We’ll recalibrate everything if we have to. We’ll start getting the jet ready. Tell the team you pull together to meet us in the hangar.” Clint and Natasha left. Fury made a few phone calls to people he knew were on the ship. He did manage to find Tripp.

“They are at the Triskelion. All of them have things on their collars that will murder them if Pierce feels like it.” Alexa supplied when Fury asked for a destination.

They sat there for what seemed like hours. Coulson and Fury talked about repairs and how to deal with the HYDRA agents. Just as Miranda started to drift off again, Fitz came out into the waiting room.

“He’s, um.” Miranda woke with a jolt. “He’s stable. We’re going to keep him sedated for the next few days to make sure he stays that way.”

“What are his odds?” Coulson asked, ever practical.

“They’re not good.” Fitz said, rocking back on his heels. Miranda put her head in her hands.

“But, he’s been fighting the whole way through this.” Simmons replied, appearing behind Fitz. “I don’t think he’ll quit so easily.” She smiled weakly at Miranda who nodded a few times mechanically. “I hear you need some more stitches.” She huffed a laugh.

“If you have anything left to stitch.” Simmons tutted a few times and lead her into another bay. Jessica came into the room behind them and smiled at Miranda.

“Well, there goes the neighborhood.” She said kindly. “Let’s see what we’re working with.”

“Oh!” Simmons exclaimed. Miranda went to look but Simmons quickly put a gauze pad over it. “It’s, it’s not as bad as I thought! Not a problem.” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“You are the worst liar ever.” She groaned. “It’s going to be gross, isn’t it?” Simmons pursed her lips and nodded. “I am going to whip Clinton Francis Barton within an inch of his life.” She vowed. Jessica giggled.

“Does it hurt all that much?” She asked as she got the disinfectant and sutures for Jemma. Miranda snorted.

“Jess, everything hurts. I’m pretty sure I’m sore in places I don’t even have places.” Simmons smiled empathetically.

“That’ll be the blood draw. You didn’t see any heavy combat, did you?” Miranda winced. “Oh, I don’t mean…” Miranda shook her head.

“No, I mean I caught a kick that Thomas dodged, but it was probably leaping from plane to plane and catching him that did this.” She gestured to her shoulder. Everyone was silent for a moment while Jemma stitched. “Can I go see him after this?” Simmons and Jessica looked at each other.

“I’m not sure,” Jemma finally responded. “He looks pretty beat up. A lot worse than he actually is.” Miranda nodded slowly.

“I’d still like to see him for a minute.” Jemma nodded once. She finished stitching and put a dressing on it. Then, much to Miranda’s chagrin, she used an ace bandage to affix Miranda’s arm to her side, bent 90 degrees across her stomach.

“That’s because I know you won’t follow directions and let that arm be.” Jessica nodded curtly, apparently agreeing. Miranda shuffled out into the waiting room. Coulson was the only one left.

“Fury went to take care of some things in the Office, and I sent the rest of the girls to bed. May is with them, just in case.” Miranda nodded. “You should go to bed also.”

“I’m going to check in on Thomas first.” Miranda noticed that that was the first time she had used his real name. Coulson nodded somberly.

“I can wait.” She nodded and went into his room. He looked impossibly pale, with dark smudges under his eyes. His shirt had been cut off and a blanket pulled up under his arms. If the monitor wasn’t beeping in time with his heart, she would have said he was dead. She sat in the chair next to him, breathing shallowly.

“I am so sorry.” She finally said. “I don’t care if you can hear me. I’ll say it again when you’re awake. I’m an asshole. I should have let you go first. I should have stabbed that bitch when she tried to kick you. I should have-” She hiccupped. “I don’t know. I shouldn’t have talked to you in the first place. If you weren’t pretending to hate me before, you probably do now.” She blew her nose in her now ruined tee shirt. Whatever. “I’ll make it up to you somehow. I don’t know. I’ll steal you the damn Venus de Milo if I have to.” She chuckled wetly at the absurdity of that thought. “You have to pull through, or I’ll test how real Supernatural is here and make a deal.” After a few more seconds of sniffling, she went to the counter and took a few tissues and dabbed at her face. It didn’t really matter, she probably looked like a train wreck and Coulson would know. Coulson always knows. She gave one last look to Thomas and took three quick steps to leave the room. Coulson was still waiting, right where he said he’d be.

“Ready to go?” He asked. If he noticed that she had been sobbing or heard what was said, he made no indication. Miranda nodded. He lead the way down the hall to the bunk room and nodded to May, who was seated on a chair outside the door. “I can take it from here. Go sleep some.” May began to protest, but Coulson continued. “After this hour, I’ll go and get another agent from downstairs. I just want to sit here and think for a minute before I go to sleep.” May looked at him wearily, then nodded and headed toward the Bus. Miranda began to go into the room. “Actually, would you mind talking for a minute?” Miranda looked forlornly at the bed that she could spot from the door, then turned back around.

“Of course.” She expected questions about TAHITI, so she began to think of excuses so she could go to sleep faster. She would tell him everything tomorrow. Or, rather, later today.

“How badly was this supposed to go, in comparison?” Miranda was thrown for a loop, so she babbled for a second.

“Well, uh I um.” Coulson waited patiently. “The Triskellion was to be crashed into by a Helicarrier, so I’m assuming massive loss of life there. And the other three Helicarriers, the ones a part of Project Insight, those were to all crash into the ground. Cap nearly dies. It’s pretty rough for everyone involved.” She frowned. “Not that it isn’t rough now.” Coulson nodded in agreement. “Fury had to fake his death. That was rough. Um. I don’t even know any more.” Coulson smiled sympathetically.

“I know, you should be asleep. Think of this as a huge success. The team that was dispatched to the Fridge says everything is fine there. Some minor confusion from the sudden loss of comms, but overall not bad. The Triskellion is a little worse for the wear,” She was sure he was sugar coating it. “But that’s where Pierce was. You and your friends saved a lot of people’s lives.” Coulson gave her a nod before she went into the room. “Goodnight. I’ll be out here for at least and hour, then we’ll all be in the Bus if you need us.” Miranda nodded and tried to climb into her bed. She was having a shit amount of success with one arm, so she just decided to lay next to Alexa.

“Scoot over.” She pulled her blanket down. Alexa grumbled, but scooted over. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

 


	6. The One With Sushi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Casual Thieves put Coulson and his team to task, but naturally everything isn't sunshine and rainbow rolls.

Miranda woke up to an empty bed, wondering how Alexa managed to get out with her on top of her. She sat up and realized that everything still hurt and she wanted to sleep forever. Her stomach growled. Food, then sleep. She put a pair of sweatpants on and realized she couldn't get changed out of the ripped, blood covered, snot soaked tee shirt she fell asleep in. She groaned in disgust. Clint’s face appeared in the doorway and Miranda jumped.

“Oh, sorry. It was my turn to make sure you didn’t die in your sleep.” Clint supplied. He had a giant black eye.

“Shit, son. I’m assuming the making Pierce dead didn’t go so hot?” Clint pursed his lips and shook his head, coming into the room.

“No. The Winter Soldier was there, kicking ass. Natasha caught the brunt of it. You know how she is. She managed to hit him over the head with a chair and Fitz-Simmons gave us this gun,” Miranda chuckled.

“The Night Night gun?” Clint pointed at her and smiled.

“Yeah, one of those. They’re great! He went right out and we brought him in. He’s in this pod in the basement.” Miranda realized what pod he meant and she shuddered.

“Are you willing to make Jessica and Jemma very angry?” Clint raised an eyebrow. “I have to change my shirt but Jemma tied my arm to my body. I can’t get the bandage off by myself and I will not leave this room in this shirt.” Clint studied it.

“Your blood or somebody else’s?” Miranda sighed.

“Both.” Clint pulled a face and undid the bandage.

“Okay, but the second you have a new shirt on, I’m putting it back on you.” Miranda rolled her eyes as he turned and left, closing the door. She put on a new shirt after she used some of her makeup wipes to take the excess blood and grime off. There was no way she was going to be able to get in the shower.

“Wrap me up, man.” She said, opening the door. Clint redid the bandage and Miranda’s stomach made dragon noises again.

“You hungry?” Miranda nodded forlornly. “I’m glad. It’s been 18 hours,”

“What?” Miranda exclaimed, turning to him and effectively ruining his bandage tying.

“Hold futzing still,” He grumbled, redoing the part she messed up. “You slept for 18 hours after yesterday. It’s kind of a record. Most of us take 12 or 15. But I mean, you did give blood. So I’ll give you that.” Miranda shook her head.

“That’s amazing. You’d think I’d feel better after that.” Clint chuckled.

“Nah, you’ll feel better after tonight’s sleep.” Miranda grinned and they started walking.

“What’s at the caf?” Clint shuddered.

“No, no. I snuck off base again.” Miranda rolled her eyes. “Alexa, Leah and Shelby said everybody liked sushi. They’re all down at the office now.” Miranda grinned and stepped into some shoes.

“That’s more like it.” Down at the office, there were so many people that everyone was in a constant state of muttering ‘excuse me’ to one another to get by.

“You know, now that we’re HYDRA free, all of you can go back to your own offices!” Fitz hollered over top of the din. No one took notice and he angrily put a piece of sushi into his mouth. “You did this.” He pointed to Clint with another piece. “Bring ten trays of fresh sushi into a Helicarrier and see if we don’t cram into the smallest room for free food.”

“Well, is it good?” Fitz nodded with his mouth full. “Then no worries!”

“It’s ALIIIVE!” Shelby bellowed from the other side of the room. Miranda laughed and high fived them.

“Did you sleep well?” Alexa asked, only a little bitter.

“I genuinely don’t think I even moved.” Miranda said, snagging a piece of sushi. “This is the best thing I have ever eaten.” She said with her mouth full.

“Talk about see food.” Leah quipped with a giant grin. Miranda rolled her eyes.

“So what’s the plan now? Is Project Insight down?” Everybody bobbed their heads until their mouths were empty.

“Yeah. Cap ended up having to do much the same thing as in the movie. The Triskelion survived, though. They mashed the chips in, but the Winter Soldier was kicking Clint and Natasha’s ass instead. Everybody’s cool.” Miranda winced.

“They had to kill the other three Helicarriers?” Shelby nodded. “Wow. I’m sure the government was excited about that.” Shelby nodded again as she took a bite of veggie lo mein.

“Well, they weren’t as pissed as they were in the movies. Less people died, less damage to the surrounding areas.” Alexa shrugged and grabbed a piece of exotic looking sushi. “Where the hell did you find this?” Alexa waved it around as Clint drifted over to their group. He grinned.

“There’s this little hole in the wall place in New York. It’s a husband and wife pair and a ten year old kid. They’re great. I told them what happened and they said that they’d ‘take care of Clint’s girls’. I sounded like a pimp.” He covered a piece of sushi with ginger and dunked it into some soy sauce. “They really like the Heroes of New York. Their restaurant was in the damage zone during the battle.” He said grimly. “Apparently, Tony blasted a couple of the Chitauri before they managed to get into the shop. The glass on the front window was broken, but that was all the damage they saw.” He nodded, popping another piece of sushi into his mouth. “We have to sneak money into the tip jar any time we go over there.” Miranda smiled and took a swig of the cola Clint had brought for her.

“God damn it,” She gasped. “Pepsi!” Shelby laughed.

“That’s Coke,” Clint said, confused. Miranda glared and set it down.

“Where we come from, Coke tastes like Pepsi and vice versa. We like Coke back home.” Clint laughed.

“Ain’t that some shit. Let’s see if we can find you a Pepsi.” Miranda smiled and thanked him.

“How’s Natasha doing?” Miranda asked after Clint had gone. Alexa pulled a face.

“She looks really bad, but she’s been acting alright. Nobody but maybe Clint knows what’s going on in her head.” Miranda nodded.

“Has she said anything about Bucky and the Red Room?” Shelby shook her head. “I don’t know if that’s good or not.” Alexa hummed in agreement.

“Found one!” Clint exclaimed from behind Miranda. “It was in the fridge in the kitchen, a little dusty, but it should be okay.” Miranda grinned and took it.

“Wanna split it?” She asked Shelby. Shelby nodded slowly, looking like she had seen Jesus.

“I’ve been drinking so much Mountain Dew.” Miranda poured the can into two cups. Clint shook his head and mingled for a little bit. People began to thin.

“Thank God,” Fitz muttered. “I’ve been trying to work here.” Simmons rolled her eyes.

“If you were so interested in doing work, why didn’t you move to the Bus?” Fitz glared at her.

“Well there isn’t sushi on the Bus, now, is there?” Simmons shrugged and began to shuffle through the papers. “Besides, we’ve finished all of that.” He gestured with his sushi. “They were just eating all of the rainbow rolls.”

“What do we do now?” Simmons asked, looking to Coulson. Coulson turned with a small plate of sushi.

“Well, right now you guys don’t have much to do unless you want to join the teams cleaning stuff up after all the fighting.” The girls looked at each other with worried looks.

“I mean, I’m sure that there are other things we could do.” Alexa awkwardly suggests.

“Did you guys find the random Asgardian professor with the really nice pen?” Shelby suggested. Coulson raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

“I suppose we haven’t. What’s that about?” Miranda put her tenth piece of sushi into her mouth and looked at Alexa. Alexa rolled her eyes.

“Why do I always have to explain? Forget it,” Alexa sat down at the big table and put her feet up. “You know that attack in Norway? There’s an 084 involved. It’s the Asgardian Berzerker Staff, and the people trying to find it are lunatics. They are trying to put the three pieces together and get all kinds of crazy powers from their bad memories.” Coulson nodded slowly. “There’s this professor that you go to to ask for information, but he turns out to be the berzerker that fell in love with a human. It’s really cute.” Miranda, Leah and Shelby nod. “But when we saw it, Warde held the staff, and so did May. It messed Warde up worse, though. We have to get the staff before they do.” Shelby nodded her agreement and Coulson finished his sushi and wiped his hands.

“Is my team ready to go?”  Fitz and Simmons chirped an affirmative and May stood from the large table where she had been considering some more sushi. “Where’s Skye?”


	7. The One Where Somebody Else Gets Shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Assholes do what they gotta do.

“Warde,” Miranda stood and started towards the door. “You guys search the bus,” She motioned toward Coulson, May and Fitz-Simmons. “Me and Clint will take the hangar, the rest of you guys take the Helicarrier,” She waved a hand at the rest of the Casual Thieves and Jessica. “We have to find her and make sure Warde isn’t filling her with psycho babble.” Everyone began chattering plans and moving. Fury put in a call for the rest of the Helicarrier to keep an eye out for them. He couldn’t pull what little people he had left for a search team. Clint and Miranda barrelled down the hallway to the hangar as Shelby and Alexa took the top floor and Leah and Jessica took the bottom. While the Bus was being thoroughly canvassed, Leah and Jessica came over the comms.

“We found Warde,” Jessica hissed. “No Skye. Please advise.”

“What’s your location?” Coulson began moving.

“We’re in the broom closet by the weapons room.” Leah supplied. “He’s not doing anything drastic. Just picking up various handguns and snapping them to a shooting position.” Coulson sighed.

“Keep an eye on him. We’ll all be there in a second.” Everyone began moving to the weapons room with varying degrees of suspicion, with Miranda being the most suspicious, with Clint in a close second.

“Where’s Skye?” Simmons asked in a hushed whisper once everyone was gathered. Everyone supplied that they hadn’t seen her. Coulson got a wrinkle in between his eyebrows, but he kept composure. Fitz, however, became a little heated.

“Let’s split up again and find Skye.” He insisted. May considered it for a second.

“Okay. Take Jessica and Simmons with you. We’ll try and get Warde to tell us where she is.” They turned back down the hall and continued their search.

“Alright. It’s now or never.” Coulson said, casually unbuttoning his gun holster and his jacket. Clint patted a pocket in his cargoes that Miranda assumed held his handgun. Coulson opened the door.

“Well, you’ve got me.” Warde said, incredibly casual. Alarm bells blared in everyone’s brains, but nobody actually shrieked.

“Seems like it.” Coulson said, equally casual. Alexa didn’t know what to do with her hands. “Care to tell me what you’re doing out of the holding cell?” Warde pulled a face.

“Nope.” He picked up another gun and snapped it to position, facing a wall.

“Alright. Care to tell me where Skye is?” Warde shrugged. May began circling to flank him.

“She’s doing what she has to.” Coulson hiccupped for a second.

“What does she have to do?” The Casual Thieves looked at each other warily. There’s a whole laundry list of weird shit the people have said Skye ‘has to do’.

“She has to fulfil her destiny.” Shelby’s eyes widened.

“Ah fuck, we’re turd blossoms.”

“What?” Coulson and May turned to look at her. Leah, Alexa, and Miranda, however were already leaving.

“Keep an eye on him!” Alexa shouted back into the room.

“Where would you go if you were trying to face your destiny?” Leah yelled as they tore down the hall.

“The hangar! We didn’t get to finish searching.” Miranda supplied, sliding around the turn. They slid into the hangar and startled Fitz, Simmons, and Jessica, who were talking Skye down from opening the door.

“You guys too?” She said thickly. She had been crying, and so had Simmons.

“Listen, Skye, you don’t wanna go out there.” Leah began. Skye snorted.

“We don’t know everything yet, but we do know that you will regret it. Your dad is not a good guy. He hurt people, and will continue to do so. You gain these powers, and you don’t know how to control them and you can hurt people with them. Don’t do that to yourself.” Miranda tried. Skye slid down the wall. “You touch an alien stone and become one of their experiments and then they want to kill you. It is safer for you, and everybody around you, if you just stay here.”

“I just wanted to meet him.” She sniffed. “I didn’t know,” Simmons went over to hug her.

“We know, sweetie.” Miranda, Leah, Alexa and Shelby suddenly got the drift that they were intruding. Jessica awkwardly made eye contact with Alexa, and they shuffled out into the hallway.

“She’s safe,” Miranda said over her comms unit. “However, I’m getting the feeling that Fury is going to find a friend outside. We’ll go tell him what it is.” Jessica shook her head.

“No, you guys go with Coulson. Make sure they get that guy back in the cell. He doesn’t sound like a good person, either. I’ll tell Fury.” Everyone nodded their agreement and parted ways. The girls slowly came up on the guns and ammo room. There were no gunshots, which Miranda took to be a good sign. They peeped in the glass on the door. Warde was still standing there, holding a handgun. May was casually leaning on a wall behind him, wound tense like a coil. Coulson was talking, and Clint was just at his right shoulder.

“Should we go in?” Alexa asked. Nobody had time to answer, because Warde leveled his gun at Coulson and Clint took the shot as May jumped at him. They flung open the door. Warde was alive, but bleeding. May put him into a submissive hold.

“Thank you, Barton.” Coulson said, smiling slightly. “I guess I’m getting rusty.”

“You’ve got a thing for shoulders.” Miranda drawled. “Should I let Jessica and Simmons know?”

“We’ll be right behind you.” May bit out, jostling Warde to his feet. He ground his teeth.

“I will keep my promise to Skye.” Miranda spat at his feet.

“And I’ll keep mine.” Shelby gave her a look, but didn’t say anything until they were out the door.

“What promise?” Miranda shrugged.

“I told her we’d tell her everything. So we will.” Shelby nodded as they made their way to the med wing with only a little urgency. They almost hoped that he’d bleed out before he got there. Almost.

“Hey, guys, incoming.” Fitz, Simmons, Jessica and Skye were sitting around Jessica’s desk.

“I told Fury about the plane and who it was. He didn’t have to shoot at them at all, though, they left after he said Skye wasn’t coming out. Said he’d be back.” Jessica said.

“Wait, incoming?” Simmons said, sitting up. “Who?”

“Warde pulled a gun on Coulson.” Everybody got nervous for a second and stood, but Alexa hastily finished. “And Clint shot him.” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“You should have lead with that,” The doors on the wing opened, and a still struggling Warde was escorted by May and Clint, followed by Coulson and Fury.

“I want him off my Helicarrier.” Fury said stiffly. “Patch him up for the ride to the Fridge.” Alexa, Miranda and Shelby shared a look while Leah opened the bay door. Miranda decided to have a talk with Fury about this.

“You’re going to have to keep him under top security.” Miranda started after she pulled him aside. “Tie his legs together, his arms together, I don’t give a shit if you tape his balls to his ass, but don’t let him breathe without knowing about it.” Fury gave her a bewildered look. “That’s where he wants to be. One of HYDRA’s plans was to let everyone in the Fridge out and raid the weapons cache.” Fury nodded grimly.

“I’ll let his transit know. Thank you.” He left the med bay to go boss people around.

Miranda went and sat next to Jessica at her desk.

“How’s Thomas been?” She asked, somewhat guiltily. She crashed, ate sushi, and then never came back to see him. Jessica gave her a sympathetic look.

“Much the same. Still medicated. He hasn’t woken yet, but I will let you know first thing if he does. He’s a tough guy. He’ll pull through.” Miranda nodded as people began shuffling about. Clint and Coulson came out of the bay, and Leah shut the door behind them. Alexa gave them a quizzical look.

“I just got a call about the 084 you told us about. They already have part of it. We've got to make sure they don't get the rest.”

 


	8. The Part With the Viking Hat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Casual Thieves meet good old Professor Randolph and make him a tad nervous about his pen.

The girls decided that they were, in fact, coming too. Coulson tried to argue that no, they weren’t but Miranda brought up a good point.

“AGHLAGHLAGHLAGHL!!!!” Nobody was sure where the Viking two horned hat came from, but they weren’t going to ask her while she barged onto the Bus wearing it and carrying a bag.

“Is that metal?” Alexa asked, pointing her thumb at Miranda as she followed behind.

“Better question, is that a real ruby?” Shelby asked, eyes wide.

“Where did she get that?” Simmons asked, both stunned and amused.

“Where does she get anything?” Leah responded, sighing.

In the end, Coulson couldn’t say no. He was too busy sighing about the Viking hat to get a word in edgewise. May had raised her eyebrows and looked at him when Miranda barged in and dropped her bag next to one of the couches. She had eventually came over and showed the four where the extra bunks were.

“Oh, wow, thanks!” Miranda had said.

“Don’t mention it.” May had replied, in a way that could be taken as, “Mention it and die.”

The flight hadn’t taken as long as the girls had thought.

“The Bus is super fast.” Skye had explained as they were gearing up.

“Yeah, how else are they gonna fit traveling the world in 44 minutes,” Miranda quipped. Leah gave her a dry look. They all got together in the carport. Coulson began delegating.

“Skye, Shelby, you two try and dig up where these cult is hiding. We need to be able to retrieve the first piece after we find the other two. Fitz-Simmons, you guys try to get a bead on the pieces. Check for the same energy signatures as Thor’s hammer. Miranda and Leah, you stay here and go after whatever Fitz-Simmons finds. Alexa, you’re with us.” Miranda’s eyes widened. She really wanted to start with the lip and the “But-but-but,” however, she assumed this was because she was a sniper, not a master communicator. She took a deep breath and went to turn to Leah.

“Oh, hey. Ask him about his pen.” She called to Coulson. “You’ll like it.” Coulson turned and nodded, smiling.

“She’s doing better.” May commented after the hangar door had closed. Alexa squirmed for a second until Coulson hummed in agreement. Thank god. It felt like she was intruding on enemy land just now.

“The plan is we go to his office, you tell him everything, he goes and gets the other two pieces of the staff, we go back to the bus. Capisce?” Coulson said to Alexa. Alexa nodded quickly. They went up to the university and eventually found his office.

“Dr. Randolph?” Coulson called as he opened the door.

“Hello! Come in!” A cheery voice came from inside. Everyone filed into the office. Coulson’s eyebrows went up as he zeroed in on the pen on his desk.

“That’s a lovely pen. Waterfill 44, if I’m correct.” Randolph smiled and nodded.

“That you are. A 14 carat gold nib and a mother-of-pearl inlay. Good eye, Agent Phil Coulson. Pleasure to meet you in person.” They shook hands.

“This is Alexa Reese and Agent Melinda May. I brought Alexa here to you to have a bit of a chat. She knows some things that you may be able to help with.” Randolph sat and gestured to the other three that they could also sit.

“Then go right ahead!” Alexa began to tell what she knew, and the whole time he never wavered in eye contact. He looked uncomfortable most of the time, and at one point he cringed. “I got stabbed? Eugh, how sloppy.” Alexa had giggled and continued. Once she had finished dumping information on him, he nodded slowly.

“Well, it seems there are more things on heaven and earth… You know how it goes. Thank you, Agent Coulson for coming to me first. Let’s go get my staff. There’s a piece right nearby.” He sent a few emails from his phone, cancelling appointments and shuffling meetings.

“Guys, we’re on our way to the piece of the staff that’s here. What’s your status?” Coulson asked the teams on the Bus.

“We managed to track down the warehouse that the crazed lunatics hang out,” Skye offered. “We can send the location to you.”

“Fitz? Simmons?” He asked.

“We found where the other bit of the staff is.” Fitz answered.

“Miranda and Leah?” On the Bus, everyone looked at each other awkwardly.

“They’re on their way to get it.” Coulson nodded and looked at Randolph.

“And? I hear an ‘and’ there.” There was a beat.

“It’s in a church in Ireland.” Coulson pinched the bridge of his nose.

“The Bus is still where we left it?” Everyone murmured an affirmative. “How’d they get there?”

“Well,” Simmons started. “The second we had an address, Miranda booked two seats to  Ireland. Then caught a cab with Leah. She said we’d meet them there.”

“They aggressively wanted to go to Ireland.” Shelby supplied. Coulson sighed on the other end.

“Well, after we’re done here we’ll pick them up. We did tell them to go get it. I just didn’t think it’d be in Ireland.” He went to follow everyone else out onto the street, then stopped dead in his tracks. “How did they have the money for a last minute flight?” Alexa sighed.

“We’re thieves,” She answered. Coulson frowned and nodded.

“Remind me to give you guys a card or something. It’s bad PR for you to use dirty money.” Randolph eyed Alexa carefully before leading them to the staff.

“So, how much dicking around time do you think we have?” Miranda asked from her cushy aisle seat in first class. Leah was poking around for a chocolate from the hostess.

“A half hour, tops. We have to make sure to have the staff before they get there. Looks better.” She popped her chocolate in her mouth. “Part of that half hour has to be us buying gloves.” Miranda nodded and pointed at her.

“That’s why I like you.”

The flight landed two hours later. As they brought themselves and a carry on, they didn’t have to pick up any luggage so they walked out the front door of the airport and got directly in the cab. Leah gave him the address written on her hand and they were off.

When they got to the church, there wasn’t much nearby. There goes souvenir hunting. They eventually found a little mom and pop garden shop. They went in, bought gloves, and chatted for a moment with the lady at the counter.

“You’re the second set of tourists in here today. Are there tour groups in town?” Leah looked at Miranda, alarmed.

“Not that I know of. What kind of accents did they have?” The lady frowned.

“I’m not sure. We didn’t speak. They were quite rude. They came for some shovels and axes. I never found out what they needed them for. Must be here on a work visa.” She chattered on while she ran Miranda’s card. They left, all thought of souvenirs gone.

“We have no weapons, no backup, and no plan. How could have they gotten here before us? Coulson was supposed to be dealing with them.” Leah said as Miranda paced just outside the church.

“We might have a weapon. We know where the staff is. They don’t. We can get in there and find it, kick their asses, and leave.” Leah furrowed her brow. “I’d take the staff.”

“Dude, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” Miranda laughed.

“I’m mad practically all the time. It’ll be just another walk in the park.” Leah sat on the grass and chewed at her lip. “Alright, you stay out here. I’ll go in and go right upstairs to the cabinet where they kept the staff. They couldn’t have gotten that far, that fast. Get ahold of Coulson and see what’s happening there.” She went to go inside. “Don’t tell him about this quite yet.” Leah wiped down her face.

“Bad plan. I come in too and knock some of the non-staff users out so there’s less for you to beat up, and we both explain ourselves when they get here.” Leah said, getting up. “Besides, who else is going to pick up after you? Surely not the poor monks,” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“Alright.” She cracked her neck. “Lets go.” Miranda opened the door and bolted up the stairs and launched herself over a bench to the cabinet. In the priory, there was screaming. With a pang of guilt, she realized she still had time. Leah waited downstairs and Miranda snapped open the cupboard. It was right there, waiting for her. She took a deep breath and grabbed it.


	9. The One With Bucky Barnes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky Barnes is good at a lot of things, but remembering his past and Flappy Bird are not on that list.

Next thing Miranda knew, she was surrounded by her team with a complete staff in one hand and the other still tied to her side. Everyone was talking at once, and she had a pounding headache and her throat felt like she had swallowed a Brillo pad soaked in kerosene.

“For chrissake, can we keep it down to a dull roar?” she growled. Simmons’ eyes widened and she walked over to where Miranda was sitting on the floor. “What the hell happened?” Alexa pulled her to her feet and pursed her lips, locking eyes with Simmons.

“You, ah, got the staff,” Miranda rolled her eyes. “And took out the crazy people. We got here just as you got to the last one. We hit you with the night-night gun.” Miranda set her teeth and growled.

“You shot me?” Alexa looked at Coulson, who looked at Randolph.

“This is a side effect,” Randolph supplied, re-breaking the staff into three. “It hits humans a little harder, I’m afraid.” Miranda huffed and put her hands on her hips.

“What’s a side effect? Getting shot by your friends?” She snarled, glaring at the circle of people who were now quiet.

“You might want to shoot her again.” Randolph suggested. May looked at Coulson, who nodded, and Miranda balled her non-bandaged fist. May was obviously faster, and Miranda dropped like a sack of potatoes. Leah hissed.

“Oh, she is going to be so much worse when she wakes up,” Shelby nodded, eyes wide. Coulson and May ended up dragging her out to the Bus between them. They put her in a containment pod, just in case.

“That’s going to be much, much worse,” Alexa commented. Coulson shrugged.

“At least she’ll be in a pod.” Alexa nodded slowly.

“How long until she shakes this off, do you think?” He shook his head.

“Hopefully not long. I can’t imagine what babysitting a rage fueled Miranda would be like.” Alexa got a thousand yard stare.

“You know, they say it’s not as bad as you would think.” Coulson shot a look of disbelief at her. “Well, I mean, nobody died.”

“What kind of situation are we talking about here?” Alexa sighed.

“She put on shoes, Phil. That’s all you need to know.”

Eventually, the dendrotoxin wore off and Miranda woke up. She threw herself to her feet, slightly panicked. She wasn’t sure where she was or even when she was. The last thing she remembered with any clarity was pulling the staff out of the cupboard. Everything else was hazy, like she had taken cough syrup or something.

“Guys?” She yelled. Fitz came around the corner, tentatively.

“You alright there, Fred?” Miranda nodded looking wildly around.

“What the hell happened?” She asked, dazed. “I feel alright, but how did I get here?” Fitz narrowed his eyes at her.

“You don’t remember?” Miranda shook her head. “Nothing? None of the staff rage?” Miranda frowned.

“What happened with that? Are all the lunatics behind bars or what?” Fitz pulled a face and shook his head.

“Not that you left a lot to put behind bars.” Miranda’s eyes widened.

“What do you mean by that?” Fitz shook his head. “Wait, with a broken wing?”

“If you don’t remember, I’m not going to tell you. You can probably come out now, though. I’ll go get Coulson. We’ve almost landed at the Helicarrier.” He went upstairs and Miranda tried to remember anything from the past few hours. It was pretty much a no go. She did remember being annoyed with May, but there was no way in hell she was going to ask why. Coulson eventually came down with a bemused expression.

“Are you alright?” Miranda nodded. “Fitz says you don’t remember anything. Could it be from the night-night gun?” Miranda hissed.

“Aw, you had to shoot me? I’m not going to poop straight for a week,” She moaned.

“That’s Fred.” Fitz qualified. “You can let her out.” Coulson rolled his eyes and opened the door.

“Thank god,” Miranda sighed. “Those things freak me out.” Coulson nodded.

“We’ve landed at the Helicarrier.” He supplied. “Check in with Fitz and Simmons every once in awhile. We want to keep an eye on you.” Miranda agreed and left the Bus. Natasha was waiting at the foot of the ramp.

“Hey, Natasha. What’s up?” Miranda said, smiling. Natasha thought for a moment, choosing her words carefully, and Miranda got antsy.

“The Winter Soldier has come to. There’s a lot of stuff you four and he have to talk about, it seems.” There was a stiff silence after she spoke, like there was definitely more that she wanted to say.

“Are the rest of the girls up there?” Miranda asked, beginning to make her way up the stairs.

“No, they’re getting some food first. Which you should probably do.” Miranda nodded curtly, but she had other things on her list. She quickly made her way to the med bay.

“Ah, Miranda!” Simmons said cheerily from Jessica’s desk. “Here for us to check on that shoulder?” Miranda blinked, surprised.

“Oh, yeah. You can do that too, if you feel like it.” Simmons nodded, leading her into the bay.

“Here for Thomas?” Simmons asked as she unrolled the now filthy ace bandage.

“Actually, yeah. How’s he doing?” Simmons debated on throwing away the bandage or keeping it until she sniffed it. With a disgusted glance in Miranda’s direction, she threw it in the biohazard bin. Miranda sheepishly shrugged. “I’m sorry,”

“Keep your shoulder still. He’s been doing alright. His blood pressure has stayed the same and hasn’t dipped too low. He hasn’t rejected your blood and the wound quit bleeding so much. He’s on his way to recovery!” She added as she ripped off the bandage. Miranda hissed, glaring at Simmons. “Sorry. Well, it isn’t pretty, but you won’t die. At this point, I’ll be magnificently impressed if you don’t have a raging infection. I’ll give you a short dose of antibiotics and send you off to the showers. Come back and we’ll patch you up.” Miranda looked a little confused.

“Uh, won’t the stitches melt?” Simmons laughed.

“No, you silly thing! Who told you that?” Miranda muttered that she didn’t know and nevermind, then scuttled out of the bay and down to the bunk room. She collected up some sweats and a tee and shuffled down to the showers, super grateful for some hot water therapy. When she got out, she headed directly down to the med bay. On her way in, she caught a glimpse of Thomas. He looked less like a corpse, but he definitely did not look good. A pang of guilt hit her and she scuttled to where Simmons was on her phone in the med bay.

“That was fast! Alright, lets get this all patched up.” She chattered away about stuff that Miranda didn’t listen to, and she felt a little bad. All she could think about what Thomas asking if she still thought if he was HYDRA and she felt a little sick. “All finished!” Miranda thanked her and started down to the caf. “Are you okay?” Simmons asked, furrowing her forehead.

“I’m just tired. After this, we have to go talk to Bucky.” Simmons nodded understandingly.

“It’s been an exciting few days for you four, hasn’t it?” Miranda nodded slowly. “Well, if you girls get too tired, you can always hide in here.” She said with a warm smile. “Go get some food and get back to what you have to do. The sooner we clean this whole mess up, the sooner we can figure out how to get you girls home.” Miranda nodded sadly and wondered if anyone would miss them. She slid the door open to Thomas’s pod.

“Morning, Tommy. I guess,” she chuckled dryly. “It’s a Wednesday. Disgustingly early, like 6 am or something. You probably used to get up at this hour. Go to the gym or something. I feel bad that I only knew you for like a day before I knew you. It was a piece of shit move. I should have made them lock you up until the HYDRA threat was over. Then you would have been fine, or I would’ve been shot. I’d deserve it, I guess. I dunno.” She sniffed and looked down at the floor. She didn’t know if he could hear her or not, and it was a weird feeling. “You should wake up soon. I hate talking to myself.” Thomas groaned lightly and Miranda looked around, panicked a little.

“Do you ever shut up?” He muttered, cracking an eye. “They have me on enough drugs to kill a horse and you manage to wake me up every single time you come in here.” Miranda stared at him, wide eyed.

“I… What? When did you wake up?” Thomas thought for a minute, and carefully glanced at the clock.

“Like two hours ago.” Miranda pulled a face and started to get up.

“I’ll go get somebody,” Thomas grabbed at her wrist before she made it to the door.

“I will actually kill you.” He said lowly. “I’ve been in and out of sleep for the past two days, and only have woken up when they stab me with needles and raise or lower the doses on shit I don’t even know.” Miranda nodded slowly. “And they don’t tell me anything.” He said petulantly. “At least when you’re here, you babble. Last time you were here, you said about being sorry.” He frowned. “It wasn’t your fault that you said hello to me. A bit dramatic, don’t you think?” Miranda chuckled.

“Dramatic is actually my middle name, so...” She sat back down, and they sat in silence for a few moments.

“Would you actually steal me the Venus de Milo?” Miranda was so tired that she really couldn’t hold it in. She belly laughed so loud that it managed to bring Jemma in from where she was puttering about with Fitz in the next room.

“Oh, Thomas! You’re awake!” Thomas mean-mugged Miranda for a second.

“Yeah, Tommy, I’d steal you the Venus de Milo. The real question is, where would you put it?” Fitz sputtered for a moment as Jemma came in and began checking various machines that were connected to Thomas.

“You wouldn’t actually… You know what, I think you would. Nevermind.” He left to sit in the lobby. “I don’t think I need to know.” Thomas cracked a small smile.

“I’d put it in my bunks, of course.” Miranda chuckled again.

“What would your roommate think?” Thomas made a face of indifference.

“Who cares, man. It’s the Venus de Milo.” Jemma looked between them and said something about going to get Jessica. Miranda grinned and leaned forward resting her elbows on her knees.

“Do you actually want this thing?” Thomas huffed a laugh, but immediately regretted it. Miranda’s lips tightened and her eyes widened.

“No.” Thomas grunted, trying to ignore what just happened. “I’d rather have the favor.” Miranda groaned and leaned back in her chair. “Exactly. One favor.” Miranda wiped down her face.

“What are the bounds?” Thomas raised his eyebrows with a small grin.

“You’re asking me the bounds?” Miranda nodded, looking through her fingers. “I mean, there’s a hole approximately here,” Thomas gestured at his side with his opposite hand. Miranda groaned louder. “Alright, alright. Equal danger.” Miranda lowered her hands and raised her eyebrows.

“What does that mean?” Thomas shrugged one shoulder minutely.

“I mean, you got me sent into a Helicarrier teeming with HYDRA. Equal danger.” Miranda nodded slowly.

“I could get behind that,” She said, grinning with a glint in her eye.

“No, no, don’t be scheming. No scheming.” Thomas said, wagging a finger at her. He was grinning a little, so Miranda assumed he wasn’t too mad.

“I’m not scheming. What would give you that idea?” She said, trying not to laugh her ass off. Jemma walked in, followed by a train comprised of Leah, Alexa, Shelby, Jessica and Coulson.

“Because you are.” Leah said drily. Miranda made a face of mock surprise. “You might be able to trick this poor kid who’s been hopped up on drugs for two days, but you can’t fool me.” Miranda shrugged.

“That’s fair.” Coulson shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“You four, go meet Natasha in the hallway. You have to help her try and debrief Mr. Barnes as much as possible. You might be the only ones to make sense of what he’s talking about.” Miranda stood from the chair and went to leave. She spun on her heel and stuck her hand out to Thomas.

“Shake on it.” He gave her a dubious look, but eventually took her hand. “I don’t break promises.” He nodded and waved a hand.

“See you later.”

They left and followed Natasha down a flight of stairs that they didn’t know was there. In the center of the Hulk containment pod was a cot with Bucky perched on the edge, looking like a caged tiger.

“Everything is recording. Try and get him to talk. He doesn’t want to talk to me.” She looked at him as he studied the four of them. “Don’t get too close.” She left, presumably to go to the control room. Miranda sat down directly up against the glass. Alexa rolled her eyes.

“Hey, man. Have they even told you the year yet?” Bucky stared at her for a long time before tightly shaking his head. “It’s 2015. Loads of shit has happened. Anything you’re interested, or should I just start listing some stuff?” Bucky stared at her intently and Miranda shrugged. “You’ve gotta have some questions.” He didn’t say anything for long enough that Leah sat down against the railing and Shelby leaned on it. After a few moments, Shelby blinked and stood back up.

“Yo, Fred,” Shelby said. She dropped her voice and crouched next to her. “I don’t think it’s 2015 yet.” Miranda looked an interesting combination of mortified, confused, and upset.

“Nah, man, I checked. Like the other day,” Miranda said, reaching for her phone. “Oh, shit,” She said, raising her phone. “No service.”

“The other day we were in Earth Prime.” Shelby said drily. “If we dropped in right after Thor 2, it’s 2013.” The three of them pulled various faces. “And I check the news. Don’t any of you assholes read the Post? That shipwreck off the coast of Italy happened a few weeks ago. The government shutdown started on the first. No wonder everybody was so pissed during Cap 2.” The girls began to deal with the reality that they were just hit with as Bucky flicked his eyes between them.

“Who is Bucky?” He said, almost too quiet to hear.

“That’s you, man.” Miranda responded, almost as quiet. “Your full name is James Buchanan Barnes. Ring a bell?”

“A couple,” Bucky stated. “Made a few more questions, too.”

“Hit me. One of us will know the answer.” Bucky nodded and considered his options.

“Who’s Steve?” Alexa let out a sound very similar to a kettle boiling.

“Steven Grant Rodgers.” Bucky’s eyes lit up for a second.

“That punk,” he muttered with a small grin. “I don’t remember anything about him, but I know he was a punk.”

“Is, my man. He’s still here. You were supposed to go after him-”

“My mission,” Bucky muttered, looking down at the floor. “I only remember fractions of things. I remember a chair and being strapped down, and getting my orders,” He trailed off. Miranda looked at Shelby. She didn’t have the finesse to explain this without making it sound as bad as it actually is.

“Before HYDRA, back before you had that arm,” Shelby nodded at the metal limb. “you and Steve were friends. You worked together too. But then, you were out on a mission together on this train. It was on this huge snowy mountain in Russia, middle of winter. Things went sour and you fell. A while later, you got picked up by a Soviet soldier and taken to HYDRA. The men there were the ones that you and Steve had been fighting before. You were trying to stop something like this from happening. You’d been captured once before, and a man called Dr. Zola was in charge of what they did to you both times. There might have been another man, Fennhoff. He’s a specialist in hypnotism and suggestion. He was buddies with Zola, and was probably asked to come in on this. That could be part of why you don’t remember. Lately though, there’s been this guy Alexander Pierce. He’s the guy that gave you your most recent assignment. He was a member of HYDRA that was hiding in Shield. He thought Steve was too much of a problem and wanted you to handle it. I don’t think he counted on memories of your friendship coming to the surface.” Throughout the whole explanation, he had sat quietly and nodded a few times.

“Thanks.” He finally responded. After a beat, he pointed at Miranda’s phone that was still in her lap. “What the hell is that?” Miranda chuckled and scootched closer to the glass.

“It’s a telephone. They’re touch screen now. Watch,” She turned the screen on on her phone and started to show him some stuff. After opening the internet and watching his eyes glaze over, she huffed and stood. “This is dumb, hold on.”

“Fred,” Alexa said, eyes wide, “Hey, I wouldn’t,” Miranda pushed the giant red button on the control panel and went in and crouched on the floor next to him.

“See, look, this is the internet.” The doors slid shut as Natasha burst into the room. Miranda shrugged. “They’ll open it eventually. Anyway, the internet is a pretty neat place. You can find a whole bunch of stuff-”

“Are you asking to die?” Natasha asked, exasperated. Miranda frowned, mid-way Googling ‘lolcatz’.

“Erm, no.” Bucky sat very still, eyes flashing between them. “Come on, man, you’re not going to beat me up. I’m trying to show you lolcats.” Bucky glanced down at the phone.

“Is that all that is on the internet?” Natasha crossed her arms and glared at Miranda, not saying anything. Miranda was sure she was thinking it. Alexa, Shelby, and Leah were partially frozen in various states of panic.

“Nah, man. All kinds of information is on here. Dictionaries, encyclopedias, novels, movies, everything, right here.” She shook the device. “Do you remember the Future Expo you and Steve went to?” He frowned and shrugged. “You will. It’s like that now, but probably better. We have vaccines for things that were really bad during the ‘30s and now stuff like polio doesn’t exist. Some of it’s great. Some of it isn’t. I mean, I guess you get to decide that for yourself. What is great, though, is this.” She started puttering on her phone. “It’s called Flappy Bird,”

“Are you shitting me,” Natasha muttered. Miranda glanced at her, trying to gauge if she was actually irritated or not. She decided that a large glass bubble and a super soldier would slow her down long enough for somebody to call Clint.

“What you do, is you click play,” She handed him her phone. “The bird goes up when you click anywhere on the screen.” She clicked play and showed him. “Try and get him through the pipes. That’s all! Erm, I’d click the screen with your right hand.” She supplied, now intrigued. He clicked the play button for himself and promptly died, but he grinned a little bit.

“This is pretty swell,” He muttered, dying for a second and third time.

“No, dude, you have to tap it again,” She interjected, showing him. He ‘ahhh’ed and tried again, dying. “Yeah, you’ll get it.” He futzed around with the phone for a little bit before poking the number in the corner.

“What’s that number for?” Miranda grimaced.

“It’s the high score,” So far, he had gone through exactly one tube.

“Forteen?” He said, tauntingly.

“Yeah, you get more than one and then we’ll talk,” She snapped jokingly. He started the game again just as the doors to the room opened.

“If we’re done playing games, I’d like to have a talk with you.” Fury said, obviously angry as hell. “Why on God’s green earth would you go against orders and enter this containment pod?” Miranda shrugged.

“Hey, I never got an order to not come in here. I got an order to talk to him. Look at this, I’m talking to him.” Fury narrowed his eye.

“You’re playing Flappy Bird with him.” Miranda frowned and squirmed for a second.

“We talked earlier,” She tried. Bucky sighed.

“‘Him’ can only get two points on this dad blasted game,” He handed it back to Miranda. “What were you supposed to talk to me about?” Miranda stood.

“Seriously, he’s a good guy. We don’t have to grill him,” Fury scowled at her. “Hey, we were right about everything else. Give him some time to sleep off the mind control. Get Steve. He might be able to help.” Bucky stared at her curiously. “Do you really think that the small child with minimal hand-to-hand combat skills would lock herself into a giant glass bubble with somebody she didn’t trust to be a good guy?” She tried a new angle. Fury sighed and scowled harder.

“She may be a dumbass, but she doesn’t want to die,” Alexa piped up. Miranda gave her a long suffering look. “Y’know, that’s not how I wanted that to come out. He is a good guy, for what it’s worth,” She finished, sitting back down.

“Hope you like his company, then. You get to have a sleepover until Captain Rodgers can get here.” Fury decided after a few moments. Miranda nodded and shrugged.

“Can I we at least get some sandwiches up in here?” Shelby’s eyes widened.

“Yeah, she didn’t eat breakfast, I don’t think. Where were you?” Miranda reddened.

“With Tommy. He’s awake, I guess, if you guys want to go see him.” The girls all perked up, and Fury dismissed them.

“We’ll get somebody to bring up some lunch from the cafeteria when they start serving it. In the meantime, you get to sit here and think about what a stupid decision you made. I will see you when Steve gets here.” Fury turned, and with a coat flap, he was gone. Natasha gave Miranda one last indecipherable glance and followed Fury out of the door. Miranda flopped on the floor.

“Woo. Sleepovers.” She said drily. “They probably want Steve here because he’s the only one that can go toe-to-toe with you.” She mused. Bucky’s face went dark. “Not that I think you’re going to do something on purpose. Hydra messed with your mind.” She reiterated what Shelby had explained earlier. He nodded slowly.

“Who’s Tommy?” Miranda looked at her feet guiltily.

“He’s somebody I decided to try and make friends with here. I got him shot. I probably shouldn’t have friends.” Bucky blinked at her. “Hydra infiltrated SHIELD. We had to stop them, but in the process of escaping one of the miserable bitches shot him. If I see her again…” Miranda trailed off, laughing humorlessly. Bucky nodded. They sat in silence for a little while.

“How do you know all this stuff about me? Are you a spy?” His expression was completely placid, and Miranda got a little nervous.

“Hell no.” She responded with false bravado. “If I’m anything, I’m a thief.” Bucky’s eyebrows went up. “Yeah, me and the other three ladies out there did some freelance work back home. Some weird cosmic shit went down and we dropped into an alternate universe.” She swept her arm around the room. “In our home universe, all of this is comics and movies. You guys don’t exist back home. Fictional characters. So we know basically everything about anything. It’s a little creepy now that we’re in a place that you’re real.” She ended with a sigh. Bucky shrugged.

“So far it’s been useful, right?” Miranda nodded. “It can’t be that bad.” Just as Miranda was debating on explaining shipping to him, the doors slid open again.

“Well, well, well,” Clint taunted. “Miranda got herself in time out.” She looked at Bucky like she was looking into the camera on the Office.

“Bucky, this is Clint. Clint, this is Bucky.” She grumbled, waving her hand back and forth between the two. “Before you say anything-”

“You have a funny way of showing you trust people.” He interrupted her. Miranda grimaced. “You tried to kill me, badly, might I add, and you put yourself in a situation in which he could kill you. No offense, buddy.” He added, lifting two brown paper bags. “I just trust both of you significantly less than she trusts both of us.” He gestured to Miranda. “I’m allowed to shoot at both of you if you don’t stay toward the back of the cell.” He warned.

“Haven’t you shot me enough?” Miranda snarked. Clint rolled his eyes.

“You shot her?” Bucky asked, vaguely appalled.

“When I said she tried to kill me, I meant we tried to kill each other.” Miranda bared her teeth and stepped to the back of the cell. Bucky followed her. Clint opened the door and set down the bags. “When Cap gets here, get down to the Office. We’ve gotta have some words.” Miranda sighed and wiped her face down. “It’s exactly what you think it is. Bye now.” The doors slid shut and he left the room. Miranda groaned and went for one of the paper bags. She poked around for a minute.

“What’d you get?” Bucky pulled out a sandwich and some chips.

“Peanut butter and jelly.” He said with an even tone.

“Oh my god, are you serious?” Miranda pulled out a bologna and cheese. “Will you trade me?” Bucky finally cracked a smile.

“Sure. I don’t like peanut butter anyway.” They handed off the sandwiches as Miranda stared in awe.

“Man, peanut butter is practically the elixir of life,” She protested. Bucky shook his head, still grinning. They started in on the sandwiches, and two bites in, Miranda made a disgusted face. “Grape jelly. Ugh. What bastards.” Bucky pulled his sandwich closer to himself and deadpanned,

“Too late now, this one’s mine.” Miranda sighed in mock disgust.

“Naturally.” She ended up finishing the sandwich and pulled out the chips she was given. She snorted at the Doritos. Bucky raised an eyebrow at her. “My friends and I do some really weird shit and I think that’s all that you should know.” Bucky responded by eating a chip. They sat quietly some more, and Miranda couldn’t help but think that this was going way better than expected. She looked down at her phone after a minute. It was almost 2pm, and she was unsure how to spend the next two to three hours with a super soldier that may or  may not snap out and accidentally murder her. She sighed. Bucky looked at her oddly.

“Are you bored already?” He said after a few seconds. Miranda looked up from where she was scrolling down NoSleep.

“Er, no. I’m just looking for a story I haven’t read yet.” She realized that she had probably went and said something all futuristic again. “I’m on this website where people write scary stories and try to scare each other the most. Want to read some?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Scary stories, huh?” She took that as an invitation to perch on the bed next to him. He doggedly slid over farther and she cringed inwardly, telling herself to stop trying to make friends with people.

“I’ll start you on these ones. Tell me when you’re done, and I’ll show you what to do next.” He nodded, beginning to read the top links of all time. After a few stories, he was clicking down links himself and burning through them faster than she had. When he got to the one about the living furniture, he mouthed ‘oh my god’ about seven times before turning to look at Miranda with wide eyes. “Yeah dude. It gets worse.”

By the time Steve walked in the door, the two were talking animatedly about oranges, facing each other on the bed. Bucky was scrolling down Miranda’s phone, and Miranda looked a little traumatized.

“No, but really, I think I would shit myself. I don’t do windows, man.” Bucky gave her a bewildered look.

“What do you mean, you don’t do windows? You don’t have ‘em? You don’t like ‘em?” He said, semi-joking. Miranda laughed for a second and shook her head.

“Nah, man. The idea of looking out of a second floor window and seeing a face that isn’t my own keeps me awake at night. Also, the fact that windows at night are like mirrors. It gets me, man. I hate windows.” Bucky looked up from the phone to give her a sarcastic glance.

“You do realize we’re in one big window, right?” Steve cleared his throat. They both looked up to see Steve, leaning back against one of the railings.

“Um, oh my goodness,” Miranda muttered. He really was that perfect in real life. She looked at Bucky, hoping for him to say something, but he was staring at Steve, slack jawed. “Hi. I’m Miranda Miller. How much do you know about my friends and I?” Steve took a few steps forward and uncrossed his arms.

“That you four know everything that has ever and ever will happen to all of us.” He said in his Captain America voice. Miranda almost swooned, but found her dignity at the last moment.

“When you said it like that, it sounds stupid.” She replied, rubbing the back of her neck. “What’s the plan, Cap?” Bucky had shifted from criss cross applesauce to perching on the edge of the bed, breathing shallowly with his head in his hands. She carefully walked back over to him. “Hey, man, are you alright?”

Within that second, Bucky’s hand was on her face and the door was opening. She was shoved back onto her ass and Steve took two quick steps into the room and pinned Bucky to the wall. “No no no give him a second!” Miranda stammered out as she scrambled to her feet. “It was my fault, I shouldn’t have gotten so close,” Bucky made no move to fight back, so Steve stepped back. He did still stay in the way of Miranda, however. Miranda assumed that someone was in the control booth, as the doors stayed open.

“You okay, Buck?” Steve asked quietly. He was still dropped into a fighting stance, but his voice sounded nothing like his Captain America voice.

“Stevie,” Bucky whispered, face absolutely unreadable. “Why do I know you?” Steve let out a huff of air. Miranda felt like she was intruding, but didn’t want to change being shut in the doors.

“We used to be friends when we were kids.” Steve explained in the same quiet voice. “When you fell out of that train, I thought I lost you forever.” Miranda looked at the control booth in the same way that kids look at their parents when they have to go to the bathroom. Unsurprisingly, there was no response. Bucky looked at Miranda around Cap with much the same expression.

“I’m sorry.” He said simply. Miranda nodded.

“Should I, uh, should I go?” Bucky looked at Steve for what was probably the longest moment of eye contact before he looked back to Miranda and nodded. Miranda was out the door and halfway down the hallway before she swore and changed course to the Office. It was finally empty of all the miscellaneous people that conglomerated there during the siege of Hydra. Only the Casual Thieves things remained. And one pacing Clint. Miranda shut the door behind her.

“You wanted to talk to me?” Clint stopped pacing, turned, and motioned to the chairs.

“Have a seat,” Miranda’s eyes widened and she carefully perched on the edge of one of the chairs. She didn’t want to get too comfortable if she had to run to the Bus or Fury’s office. Miranda thought up 98 excuses before Clint started talking. “Why is it that you are the only one to ever take the most ridiculous risks out of the four of your friends?”

“That’s not true.” Miranda said immediately. “Shelby and I walked to a graveyard once. At night. It was like 3 miles away.” Clint pinned her with a suspicious stare.

“Who’s idea was it?” Miranda creased her brow and bit her lip. “If you have to think, it was yours.” Miranda started to protest, but realized he was probably right.

“So I’m a human car accident.” She shrugged. “Most of it is just me being a dumbass.” Clint wiped down his face.

“So I would have to do stacks and stacks of paperwork if you died.” Miranda made what was probably the most confused and disgusted face ever.

“Wow, man. That’s it?” Clint threw up his hands and huffed.

“No, dammit,” He sat down across from her. “I’m the one that talked Fury into letting you crash this whole party. He wanted to throw your alien asses in the Fridge. Every time you do something unbelievably stupid, it’s on my head to talk him down from actually doing it.” The gears started turning in her head.

“Are we SHIELD agents?” Clint nodded vigorously.

“Yes. Well, yes and no. Now that Hydra is off the ship we can administer the proper tests. We had to put it on hold for all that mess.” Miranda nodded slowly.

“So you’re our SO. For all four of us.” Clint spread his hands and gave her a ‘duh’ look. “Well why didn’t you say so before?” Miranda said, a little chafed. “I just assumed we were like consulting detectives or some shit.” Clint huffed a humourless laugh.

“No. Do you really think Fury would have allowed you on that mission if you weren’t SHIELD in some capacity?” Miranda laughed.

“Probably not. He wouldn’t have health insurance on us, then. It’d be a corporate nightmare.” Clint rolled his eyes, but smiled.

“You wanna talk corporate nightmare,” He pointed a thumb at himself.

“No, but seriously, you should have said something.” Miranda said, trying to level with him. “I don’t follow the rules if I don’t have to. I assumed I didn’t have to.” Clint shrugged.

“You were asleep most of the time I had to tell you.” He volleyed back.

“That’s… That’s actually fair.”


	10. The One With Chechnya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fury usually has ulterior motives, but these ones take the cake.

The four of them were in the Office when Steve finished talking to Bucky. They were trying to iron out what was the next most important thing to try and stamp out.

“I mean, the Kree are pretty scary,” Miranda tried to assert.

“You wanna know what’s scarier? An actual swarm of AI robots,” Shelby said, a little harried.

“I dunno, man, Civil War has a bit of urgency, doesn’t it? And besides, you’re always thinking about the comics. The Kree were only here for a like a second in Agents of Shield.” Alexa said to Miranda. Miranda made a whole bunch of Beaker noises. Steve just so happened to wander in amidst this.

“Um,” He interrupted, with his hands in his pocket. “Fury said you’d be down here.” Miranda turned a lovely shade of embarrassment and the other three sniggered. “I was wondering what you know about Bucky. How we can help him.” He sat down on Alexa and Leah’s side of the table. Shelby cleared her throat.

“Time, I think.” Miranda nodded.

“Yeah. They had to brainwash him-” Alexa hissed and Miranda cringed but she kept talking. “Regularly. It should fade off.”

“He might not want to remember everything though.” Alexa added after a beat. Steve nodded.

“I figured as much.” He wiped the corners of his mouth, thinking.

“It’d be better for him to know.” Miranda said firmly. “He can’t start to work it out until he knows what he’s got to work out.” Steve nodded again. He was behaving like he was the one being brainwashed.

“It’ll work out.” Shelby assured. Steve looked at her for a moment before agreeing.

“Now, what were you arguing about just now? It sounded important,” He changed the subject.

“We were trying to decide what’s the most important giant issue to work on. I’m under the impression that actual aliens were the most important-”

“There’s not real aliens after us in this universe,” Shelby interrupted Miranda grumpily.

“There’s a couple of things that we’d have to talk to Tony about,” Alexa said over the grousing that was happening between Miranda and Shelby. Miranda said something something ‘proactive’ and Shelby said something something ‘paranoid’.

“We could probably get you to the Tower.” Steve offered. “If it’s that important.” Miranda and Shelby quit grousing and instead started nodding. “Okay. I’ll take you back with me when I go.” The girls grinned unabashedly, except Miranda sat up with a realization.

“Wait, gimme a second.” She stood and headed toward the door.

“Where are you headed?” Alexa asked, confused.

“I have to go ask Mommy if I can go on a playdate,” She muttered with a grin. Steve looked at her strangely, and she figured that wasn’t going to wear off anytime soon. She marched directly to Clint’s room and knocked on the door. As a senior agent, Clint was allowed to have a single bunk when he had to stay at the Helicarrier.

“Wha?” he grumbled from within.

“Are you seriously asleep right now?” Miranda quipped, putting her hands on her hips. There was a massive shuffling and a few thunks and the door opened. Clint’s hair was all over the place and he had a line of dried drool on his cheek.

“No.” He denied heartily. Miranda gave him a look and he shrugged but stuck to his story. He stepped out in the hallway, blocking his room from view.

“What, is it a pigsty?” Miranda asked, grinning.

“Who is it, Clint?” A female voice asked from inside. Miranda’s grin widened and she laughed. Clint nearly facepalmed through his forehead.

“You gotta do you, boo. Er, I mean, whoever.” She chuckled and Clint sighed. “I’ve got a favor to ask,” Clint looked at her expectantly. “Steve wants to take us back to the Tower when he leaves.” Clint gave her a bewildered look.

“Wait, Steve is here?” He asked, running a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, if you weren’t so busy having a shag-” Clint put that hand over her mouth and shuffled them both down the hallway.

“You asshole,” He grumbled. “Besides,  you can’t go with him yet. You still have to take the tests for Shield.” Miranda nodded somberly.

“So are those before or after your shag?” Clint growled and gave her a push on her shoulder. “Ow, you bastard.”

“Oh, right.” He said sheepishly. “It’ll be soon. I don’t know what Fury wants to do. Everything’s gone sideways now, though, so I guess he has to figure that out.” Miranda nodded.

“I’ll go ask him, then.” Clint nodded. Miranda started to walk away.

“We weren’t shagging.” Clint stopped her. Miranda gave him a weird look.

“Okay. I was just kidding, anyway. You’ve got drool.” She pointed out. She was really curious as to what he was actually doing, but she was too excited about what was happening to ask any questions. Clint wiped at his face with a weird look. “Bye. I’ll talk to Fury.” Clint nodded and went back into his bedroom,

Miranda marched up to the door of Fury’s office.

“Oh, Agent Johanson,” Miranda said, internally squirming. “I have to talk to Fury.” Agent Johanson gave her an irritated look and stepped away from the front of the door to allow her in. She shut the door behind her, and looked at Fury. “Not Hydra after all,” she mouthed. He gave her a droll look.

“What are you here for?” Miranda sat in one of the chairs across from her and immediately became businesslike.

“I need to know when our entry tests for SHIELD are going to happen. There are some loose ends that we could tie up over at Avengers Tower, but we need to be released from here first.” Fury nodded, taking in the info.

“It hasn’t been a week yet,” He began. Miranda got a small wrinkle between her eyebrows. “However, you four were proven incredibly useful to us the whole time we were battling with Hydra. You can take the tests that the agents had to take before this whole mess, and we’ll take it from there.” Miranda nodded. “You can start after dinner. The four of you will meet in the upstairs conference room at 7. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” He said, waving a hand over his files spread on his desk. Miranda saw some things in Russian and ‘Chechneya’ before she look up at him. She nodded, apologized, and stood to leave. “Don’t be late.”

“We won’t,” Miranda assured. She stepped out and around Agent Johanson, internally apologizing to him as she left.

**  
  
**

Miranda got everyone to agree on going to dinner at 6. When they got there, she waited for everyone to sit down and get situated before breaking the news.

“So the four of us have a hot date with Director Fury at 7,” She said, taking a bite of mashed potatoes. Everyone gave her varying levels of strange look. “By hot date, I mean we’re taking the test to become real agents of SHIELD.”

“Are you serious?”

“This isn’t April,”

“Fuck yeah!”

“Guys, guys, what’s the ruckus?” Clint asked, carrying a plate and plopping down next to them.

“We’re going to be real SHIELD agents!” Alexa crowed. The at the table behind her moved down a few tabled. Clint snorted and gave her a sarcastic look.

“Oh yeah? Says who?” Miranda shot him a strange look

“Fury. I went and talked to him. He said we’re going to take the exams that the others took before Hydra got us.” Clint took a bite of meatloaf and gave her an absolutely weird look.

“He wouldn’t set that in motion without me, would he?” Miranda shrugged.

“Who knows what Captain 8-Ball has up his sleeve,” Leah snorted at the nickname, but looked at Clint.

“Why would he need you for our tests?” Miranda set her fork down and made Vanna White motions at Clint.

“Meet our S.O.” There were shocked expressions all around, until Shelby shrugged and nodded.

“Makes sense.” Everyone finished their dinner in relative silence, each of the girls shifting from excited to nervous between bites. Clint looked at them awkwardly, trying to figure out just what in the hell is going on. 6:50 rolled around, and the girls threw away their garbage and started up to the big conference room, chatting excitedly.

“It’s okay, guys, I’m going to sit this one out,” Clint called. Nobody was chilled out enough to realize that he was legit headed down the hallway with the big air vent. Nobody actually cared. The four walked into the conference room and were met by only Fury, no papers or pencils. Just a manilla folder that they had seen before.  

“What’s this about?” Miranda asked, immediately skeeved. Fury motioned for them to sit.

“Instead of a boring written test, I’ve decided to let you girls see some action.” Miranda and Alexa met eyes. “You guys found some good intel on a Hydra base in Chechnya. I’m asking you to go and confirm that this intel is good. You will be deployed tomorrow morning. Tell no one,” He began a litany of rules that nobody really listened to that hard. Stuff like ‘you can only take these kinds of weapons,’ and ‘only contact him with information, no one else,’. “Remember, ladies, this is an intel-gathering experience only. You were thieves before, you can be spies now.” Miranda kicked back in her chair.

“The only difference is now, we’re stealing information.” She said, nodding along.

“Exactly. We’ll hook you up with a kit to capture this stolen information. Cameras, recorders, the whole nine yards. Are you in?” There was a resounding yes. “Follow me. We’ll get your kits together tonight.” They all went up to the weapons room. At least Warde’s blood had been cleaned off the floor. They were given handguns, and Miranda cocked an eyebrow.

“What are we supposed to take down with these? A bloody pigeon?” Shelby smacked her own face.

“This is espionage, remember? You are supposed to be able to get in and out without people noticing.” Miranda was uneasy, but accepted it nonetheless. When he turned to pick up the camera box, she took another box of ammo and put it in her sack. Alexa gave her a long look, but decided not to say anything. “These cameras are the smallest and most detailed in the world. Your friends, Fitz and Simmons actually wrote up the schematics for these. They take pictures, video, and audio, and they stream, encrypted, directly back to my office with any open WiFi signal. They are made to fit onto these-” He lifted up a stack of bulletproof tactical vests. “vests. Your guns will fit here,” He gestured to the side pocket. “Your cameras here,” He pointed to a loop on the right shoulder. “And there are plenty more pockets for anything else you may need. Can you think of anything you’ll need to take from here otherwise?” Miranda was pensive, but she was going to reply with something like a .50 cal.

“Some night-night rounds.” Shelby said decidedly. “Some comms units? Ours are probably broken as all hell at this point.” Fury nodded after both suggestions, gathering some things from the shelves.

“Can we have some money?” Miranda asked tremulously. “No, but hear me out,”

“I assumed you would need rooms and something to eat,” He said cooly.

“Oh. Well, I was going to say that our internet money is useless in this universe and that we probably have cash with duplicate serial numbers on it because we’re from a different universe. I’m glad they didn’t check mine and Leah’s cash at the airport to Ireland.” Everyone muttered agreement. Fury made a face and said “That’s probably good,” and handed them each a small box of night-night rounds and a small earpiece.

“Are you set?” The girls couldn’t think of anything else. “Then go shower up. Be ready for 0600 hours.”

While the girls and Fury shuffled out of the weapons room, Clint wriggled out of the weapons room vent. The air filters from the conference room to the weapons room were destroyed and Clint looked like he had gone ten rounds with a dust bunny, but he looked absolutely venomous. He stalked down to the observation room of the containment pod, first collecting Natasha. Then, they both went down to the containment pod where they found Bucky and Steve sitting on the cot and talking about things Bucky remembered from childhood.

“I remember constantly being annoyed about the radiator,” Bucky was saying when they stalked in. Steve laughed before he noticed the grim mood of the two new visitors.

“What’s going on, guys?” He asked. Clint leaned on the open doors of the pod.

“Fury just sent those four girls on a suicide mission.” Bucky stood up, and Steve furrowed his brow and leaned forward.

“What kind of suicide mission?” Clint explained the interaction that evening between the Casual Thieves and Fury, but he ended with the two magic words that he hadn’t said to Natasha in the control room.

“Do you know what’s in Chechnya?” Steve shook his head. Natasha and Bucky were very still. “A Red Room operation.” Bucky became very pale and gritted his teeth. Natasha somehow managed to become stiller. Steve became somber.

“Are we going on a field trip to Chechnya?” He asked. Natasha nodded slowly, and Bucky was alright 95% of the way out of the door.

“I don’t remember what the Red Room is, but I know I don’t want any of those girls to find out,” He growled.

“Hold on there, Fabio, we can’t be too hasty.” Bucky turned and gave him a look that clearly stated ‘what the fuck’. “This is Fury we’re talking about. He has more tricks up his sleeve on this Helicarrier than we can shake a stick at.” Bucky growled.

“How about shaking this,” He lifted his metal arm and clenched his fist.

“I like your determination, pal, but we can’t fight Fury on his own turf,” Steve answered, standing and spreading his hands. “We’ll have to meet them in Chechnya and do damage control.” The rest of them agreed, and Bucky reluctantly turned tried to untense his body.

“Well then, what’s the plan?” Natasha spoke up for the first time during this whole ordeal.

“We leave tomorrow, from here, at 0600. Be ready.”


	11. The Part Where Miranda Has Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's nothing not creepy about little girls in a warehouse at night.

The Casual Thieves practically bounced out of their beds in the morning. It was like Christmas, except without all the bombs. They were down in the caf by 0515, and down in the hangar by 0545. Fury was already down there.

“Early. I like it. Follow me.” They were lead to a small plane, not the one that Clint normally takes, and were introduced to a man called Duke. Miranda sniggered internally, thinking about the Duke of the Nukem variety. Duke would be their pilot to Chechnya. They climbed aboard, each with their own suitcase. Except for Miranda. She had a semi-ratty black backpack.

“Traveling light, Agent Miller?” Fury drawled. Miranda grinned at the pairing of ‘agent’ with her last name.

“Oh, you know how it is. I hate suitcases. Backpacks are easier to carry.” Duke called a “Hear hear!” from the pilot’s seat and Fury shut the plane door with a smile. Shelby, Alexa, and Leah gave her a silent glare, but didn’t want to say anything around Duke. He seemed relaxed, but then again, so did every other person on the ship before people knew there was Hydra amongst them. One could never be too careful.

“Well, girls, it’ll take about 10 hours total flight time. We’ll have a stop about 7 hours in at a small airport in either France or Germany, depending on who takes us. You ladies will be in Chechnya by 4pm tonight, our time. It’ll be 11pm their time, though, so you girls will feel like you’ve gone time traveling. You’ll be fine with a little caffeine. Coffee never hurt nobody,” He rambled on as he flipped switches and began to start up the engine. Someone opened the hangar door as the girls got done stowing their gear and buckling in. “I’d take a nap if I were you. It’ll make it go faster.” Eventually, the girls dropped off. As they were dropping off, the other four were taking off.

“We can’t bring Fabio.” Clint said sternly to Steve. “It’s suspicious, we don’t know how he’s going to act in the field, there is a laundry list of things that are going to go wrong.” He said as he flipped switches and buttons. “If he doesn’t want to hang out in the Bubble of Shame, he can stay in my room. He just can’t stay here.” Bucky was standing stoically near a seat, unsure of whether to sit down or not.

“We need him, Clint. The three of us will have our hands full, and the last thing we want to be on this is undermanned.” Clint considered it for a moment before sighing.

“If you say so, Cap.” He ground out, flashing a glance at Natasha. “We have to get out of here soon, before Fury realizes we aren’t on babysitting duty any more.” The hangar opened again, giving them clearance to take off. Bucky sat down and buckled his seatbelt.

The Casual Thieves’ flight went completely as scheduled, and they stopped off in a small airport in the south of France.

“Fantastic,” Miranda exclaimed, nearly jumping out of the jet. “I get to flex my translation muscle.” Duke scratched his head.

“I’m not sure you have one of those.” Miranda laughed.

“Where do we get to use the bathroom and get some food?” A sleepy, grumpy Alexa asked. Duke pointed to a mid-sized airport down the runway. A guy in a tram was coming from that direction to pick them up.

“Bonjour,” He began. Duke looked at Miranda and muttered something about muscles. “Vous êtes de SHIELD?” He motioned to the side of the plane and Miranda nodded.

“Oui. Avez-vous un restaurant et une toilette? Nous avons voyagé pour pendant quelque temps.” The man nodded and motioned for them to get into the tram. They all piled in and were taken to the small airport that had a single deli, a service desk, and one set of bathrooms. Everyone got a sandwich that pleased them with Shelby and Miranda’s help, ate, and went to the bathroom. Soon, they were back onto the jet after Duke paid someone to fill up the tank.

“And we’re off!” Duke said, after climbing back into the jet. “Almost there. I’d start stretching and doing whatever you gotta do before you get your boots on the ground.” Duke warned. “After we hit cruising height, that is.” The girls did as they were told, working out knots in their shoulders and backs. By the time they got there, they were stretched out and had a plan.

“The document said something about an old warehouse in the capital, Grozny,” Alexa started. Miranda gave her a look.

“You definitely knew more than you let on,” Alexa shrugged and continued.

“Well, this town is on a river, like Pittsburgh. It should be some kind of shipping warehouse. It’s a small place. We’ll be able to find it without too much trouble.” Everyone nodded, grateful that somebody got into Russian at school. When they landed outside of Grozny, Shelby caught up with Duke.

“When will you get back here for us?” Duke handed her a contact card.

“Call the number on there, let me know where you are, and I’ll be there. Good luck, ladies!” The card was only a phone number. No names or anything else. Shelby watched suspiciously as he took off.

“Guys?” She said once he had hit the sky. “All he gave us was a phone number to call when we got enough intel.” They looked awkwardly at each other.

“Wait, what?” Miranda said from the interior of her backpack.

“Wait, Fred, dammit,” Alexa said. “Now that we’re here and by ourselves forever, it seems,” She shot a look at Shelby. “Why the hell do you have your bow? Shit, that’s a lot of arrows,” She groused, leaning in. “And GRENADES? Where are your clothes?” Miranda stood back up, frowning.

“I have a few guns in the front pocket for you guys, don’t get too salty,” Alexa sighed in frustration. “I was planning on getting some jeans and shit here from like Wal-Mart or whatever,” She said defensively. “I knew that this shit was a little shady when Fury only sent us with one gun each and one clip. Are you shitting me?” She asked rhetorically. “There’s no way I’m going into a den of nefarious activities without at least two clips,” Leah smacked her own face in defeat.

“Well, let’s find a place to room and get you another set of clothes.” They hoofed it into the Grozny Airport, which was actually bigger than they expected. Miranda wanted to spend all of Fury’s money on some chotchkies, but Leah pulled the card out of the envelope and gave her a droll look.

“It’s a $500 Visa Check Card.” Miranda sighed and set down her chotchkie.

“Well, better make this quick.” They left the airport before any kind of metal detector could go off on Miranda’s backpack and beat feet down to the nearest hostel. They pushed Alexa to the front of the group with the card. She gulped and looked the clerk in the eye.

“Номер для четверых, пожалуйста.” She asked quietly. The clerk rung her up and handed her keys, saying “спасибо.” Miranda knew that one. They looked at the numbers on the keys and followed their way down the hall to their room. When they got there, they began to dump things in various beds. There were six beds in the room, bunked. They picked the two beds that were on the same side of the room and got into their usual sleeping positions.

“Oh yeah, Fred. Can you climb up into bed yet?” Alexa taunted. “Or should I sleep on top?” Miranda snorted.

“As if. I can get into bed.” She grabbed onto the railing of the top bunk with her good arm and hooked one foot around the railing in a quick swinging motion. “Railings.”

“I’ve always wanted to do the backpack through Europe, stay in hostels type deal.” Shelby said, sitting on the bed in a huff. “This is not how I imagined it.” Miranda snorted.

“Yeah, it’s ten times better.” Leah looked at her suspiciously.

“I dunno, it seems to me that we’ve been dumped in a little country to die.” Everyone thought about it for a second and sighed.

“I mean, it is really sketchy,” Alexa supplied.

“I dunno, he didn’t give us enough firepower,” Miranda said condescendingly.

“And Duke is probably some farmer he pulled out of his cornfield.” Shelby finished sarcastically.

“See. We’ve been dumped.” Leah said, sitting up in her bed, getting agitated. Shelby leaned forward, her head in her hands.

“Oh my god, we’re so fucked,” She whispered.

“Nah, man. It’ll take more than that to get rid of us.”  Miranda said, grinning.

“Like what?” Clint asked from the doorway. “Handing you to Hydra to be killed?” Miranda damn near fell out of her bed she jumped so high.

“What the hell are you doing here?” She asked, after she got done choking on her own spit. By this time, Natasha, Bucky and Steve had also filed into the room.

“We’re saving your asses. Come on, let’s get out of here.” Steve said, picking up bags and handing them to the respective Thief. He picked up Miranda’s bag and it clinked. He peeked inside and whistled. “Well, not as stupid as we thought.” Clint came over and looked inside as Miranda threw herself off the top bunk and reached for the bag.

“Are those trick arrows?” He asked dubiously.

“No! Give me those back!” She snatched at the bag, completely red.

“That’s definitely a net arrow,” He qualified. Miranda groaned as he rifled through a few of them. “A few net arrows and a sonic arrow. These aren’t mine. Where’d you get them?” He handed her back the bag and Miranda looked so uncomfortable she could have died.

“Shelby’s not the only one who likes gadgets,” She supplied, leaving it at that. Clint rolled his eyes and motioned for them to follow him as he went to leave.

“Let’s go. We’re burning daylight.” Miranda stood her ground as she clutched her backpack.

“Hey, this is our only chance to be SHIELD agents,” She said, sticking out her chin. “Besides, it’s only surveillance. We’re only to get undeniable proof that they have a base here. We figured we’d find the warehouse, take some pictures of some logos that they slap on everything, and get out. No harm no foul.” Clint shook his head.

“No deal. As your S.O.-”

“You aren’t even our S.O. until we’re actual agents!” Miranda sputtered. “Let us prove ourselves. Please?” Steve had been deliberating this whole time, and finally he spoke up.

“We are here, Clint. If something goes sideways, they have backup.”

“Nothing will go sideways because we aren’t going in,” Shelby said confidently.

**  
  
**

That night around 1am, the four of them were dressed in dark clothes and were prepped to go to the warehouse. They had done some reconnaissance during the day, pretending to be tourists. Two of the docks along the river had been empty, and of those two, only one warehouse hadn’t been turned into some restaurant or some trinket shop. The Avengers and Bucky were ready on their own comms units seven blocks away in a late night pizza shop for the tourists.

“We’re going to find any kind of evidence of Hydra and we’re going to take pictures. Then we go to the pizza shop and we go home right after.” Miranda said, making sure everybody was aware of the plan. They had already packed their stuff in Clint’s jet, save Miranda’s bow and some arrows.

“I’m not going over there without it,” She had said flatly. Clint nodded.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The girls decided that splitting up would give them the most amount of area canvassed in the least amount of time. They each came at it from a different direction and angle. Miranda climbed a service ladder for a nearby building and was trying to see into the visible skylights. Shelby took the south side, Leah the north. Alexa crept down the dock across the way and unhooked the paddle boat, trying to see in the large bay for boats. Miranda got into position and began to zoom in on the skylight she could see into. As she zoomed in, she saw movement.

“I’m getting some movement in the skylight, guys.” She reported. Everyone remained quiet. She zoomed in farther, and what she saw chilled her blood. “We have to go in.”

“What?” Steve asked loudly. She swung down the ladder as fast as she could. Leah and Shelby hadn’t even hit the building yet.

“Meet me at the front door.” Leah and Shelby were standing there, guns drawn.

“What did you see?” Leah asked. Alexa was visibly struggling to paddle the boat across the river as quick as she could.

“Why the hell didn’t we make the rower take the boat??” She asked saltily.

“Because you’re afraid of heights. Shake your ass, Alexa. Hydra has a bunch of little girls, and they’re prepping them for the Red Room.” Miranda spat. The little splotch wriggling in the boat wriggled a whole lot faster. In less than two minutes, Alexa was rowing into the neighbor’s dock. They pulled her out of a boat to a chorus of grunting, shuffling, huffing and a general ruckus from the other side of their comms. They assumed that was Steve, Clint, Natasha and Bucky.

“I just stole a boat,” She huffed. Miranda rolled her eyes.

“They’ll figure it out. It didn’t seem like there was a whole lot of activity in the front of the warehouse, because the girls were being taken to the back.” She supplied. They nodded. “I’ll get the lock open, and the second that door swings open I want your guns in it. Don’t take any chances.” Alexa’s eyes widened.

“Real rounds or night-night rounds?” Miranda shrugged.

“I don’t care.” Alexa debated for a second. “My suggestion is this; Those girls were about seven years old.” Alexa got a hard look on her face as she thought of her sister. She switched out whatever clip she had in her gun for another one. Miranda began picking the lock. It was a simple five tumbler lock, with no alarm system attached. As the door swung open, the three girls behind snapped their guns up.

“Clear.” Leah said after a moment of Miranda hustling to put away her picks.

“Don’t put down your guns. This is Hydra.” Alexa chided. The front room of the warehouse was dark and run down. This is where the dock lead to. There were a few tables with some chains and some boxes on them, but not much else. There was a single hallway with a red light shining in it.

“I don’t like this.” Miranda said quietly. There was a responding grunt of ‘wait we’re almost there’ by someone running over the other end of the comms.

“Of course you don’t.” A small Russian voice said from down the hall. A little girl came walking into view, and Miranda began a litany of curses. “Because it’s a trap.”

“Fuck, goddamnit, don’t shoot her,” Miranda said as a mixture of about seven small girls and twelve grown men began standing up behind boxes and pouring down the hallway. Soon, they were in a huge fight. The Casual Thieves shot at the Hydra agents to kill, and attempted to knock out the small children, but in all honesty the girls were the hardest to take down.

“Don’t use the night-night rounds!” Alexa shouted as she was being accosted by two six-year-olds with martial arts skills. “Shoot to kill!” She mocked. Miranda would have said something snarky, had she not have been put in a headlock. Leah shot the man behind her and she took a deep breath, gave Leah a thumbs up, and turned to kick a small child in the face.

“This is a little cathartic,” She rasped with her newly sore throat. She saw the hallway, lined with cells. “I’ll be right back. Sit tight.” She shot another man in the shoulder as he tried to stop her from going down the hallway. “Them’s the breaks.” She muttered, running past him. There were six cells, three on each side. A red button on the wall held the label ‘Offenen’ with the word ‘открыть’ under it. She slammed it, opening the six cells all at once. About a dozen girls came stumbling out of the dark rooms and into the bright red lit hall.

“Run!” She yelled. One girl with dark hair and light blue eyes turned to her and smiled.

“Danke,” She said quietly. Miranda smiled.

“Please go,” The girl ran to the back of the hallway and took a small key from her wrist. It opened a large box that said ‘Danger’ in every language known to man. “Hey, hey, hey!” Miranda shouted. She wasn’t fast enough. The girl punched in a three digit code and pressed the button. Within seconds, the entire world turned white and hot.


	12. The Part Where Phil Texts Fury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the Casual Thieves fuck up, they fuck up hard.

“Fuck me!” Clint swore as they rounded the bend to a wall of fire. “Somebody, talk to me!” He yelled frantically into his comms unit. Bucky didn’t stop and went directly into what was left of the warehouse, Steve on his tail. Excessive coughing came over the line. “Thank god, who is that?”

“Shelby,” She croaked. “I’m looking at Alexa. She’s unconscious. Wait, I think that’s Cap,” Soon, Cap and Bucky emerged with Alexa and Shelby. Bucky was helping Shelby shuffle out of the building. Natasha ran over and took her, barking “GO!” Bucky went back in. He was in there for a few seconds before bringing Leah out. Cap was still in the building, along with Miranda.

“Cap, do you have a visual?” Clint barked, getting ready to go in the building himself.

“Don’t go in there, you don’t have a healing factor,” Natasha sharply reminded him.

“No, I can’t see her.” Cap said frantically. The building creaked loudly and Clint threw down his coat and his bag, sprinting into the building.

“Dammit, Clint!” Natasha started, but Bucky stilled her with a look. He ran after them and went into the building. Alexa groaned loudly. Shelby croaked something at her.

“My arm,” Alexa said. “I think it’s broken.” Natasha quickly got to work trying to splint it when a huge crash came from the building.

“Is that the roof?” Natasha asked, standing up and voice cracking.

“OH MY GOD WE ARE SO FUCKED” Shelby said from next to Leah, who was crying. Most of the fire had subsided, not having enough fuel to keep burning. The brick and cinder block that was left was quickly crumbling around the four people left in the building.

“What do we do?” Shelby asked, coughing. Natasha shook her head.

“If we just start digging, we could cause a slide and crush them.” She said quietly. “We need to call for-” A slab of brick flipped over and Steve stood.

“Hey! Bucky? Clint?” A small, muffled ‘help’ came from a few feet away from him. Cap lifted some blocks and found Clint.

“That’s a sturdy table.” He noted. “Bucky was down the hallway.” They turned to the remnants of the cells, which were surprisingly still standing.

“Hey! In here!” Bucky yelled. Steve and Clint carefully picked their way to the cell that he was yelling from. “I found her!” They ran over to the cell. Cap started to clear the debris while Clint climbed onto the roof and dropped into the hole there.

“Is she alright?” He asked, frantic. Bucky had pulled her into the cell when the building started to come down.

“I don’t know. She’s out cold. I don’t know how much of this blood is hers.” He said evenly. Steve pulled the last of the debris.

“Let’s get them to the jet,” Steve said, taking the side of Miranda that Bucky didn’t have. Clint sprinted out and started toward the jet. The other three girls were very sore, but could walk. Alexa’s wrist was definitely broken, Shelby was still coughing from all the smoke, and Leah’s hands were blistering from the burns but they were otherwise alive. Miranda was closest to the bomb, seeing as she let the small demons free. By the time the rest of the team got to the jet, Clint already had it started. The SHIELD hospital was on call, ready for them.

“I’ll be damned it they have to pay a single co-pay,” he had said as he angrily took off.

“Hey, be gentle.” Alexa snapped when they took off like a bat out of hell. “We don’t know what’s hurt on her.” Natasha was wrapping her wrist with an ace bandage pulled from the jet’s first aid kit. Leah was being covered in ointment from Steve, and Bucky gave Shelby some water. They had carefully strapped Miranda into a chair, as they didn’t have any kind of medical bay on the small jet. The normally 10-hour flight was made in 9 hours, with only another 10 miles of fuel to spare. They dropped into the SHIELD landing strip and the EMTs were waiting for them. They took the girls that could walk first, and brought Miranda down a stretcher in the back. Fury met them at the entrance to the hospital.

“What the hell happened?” He said, all bluster. Bucky had to be restrained.

“You happened, you sonovabitch.” Clint growled, pointing a finger at him. “I know what kind of mission you sent these kids on. You wanted them crossed off of your list of things that could possibly harm you.” Fury struck him with a cool look.

“Do you actually think I’m scared of a bunch of twenty year old girls?” Clint said something unintelligible and marched off to stand by Steve and Bucky, who was scary still and quiet.

“What do they know that you are so afraid of?” Natasha asked him coldly. Fury blinked at her slowly, but didn’t respond. She spat at his foot and said something purely disgusting in Russian.

“They’re not SHIELD agents any more.” Steve said levelly from his spot with Bucky. “We’re taking them to the Tower.” Fury nodded.

“That’s fair.” he responded, showing no emotion. The four started down the hallway to find out what was happening. As Fury began to leave, his phone chirped.

 **Call me.** \--Phil Coulson.

 

 


	13. The Part Where Miranda Wakes Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleepy time is over, kids, but the Casual Thieves aren't out of the woods yet.

It had been two hours. Alexa and Leah were asleep in the waiting room, and Shelby gripped a Coke in both hands. Bucky and Cap called a cab to the Tower to let the others know what was happening. Natasha and Clint took turns in the atrium of the OR, watching what was happening. The doctor had set Alexa’s wrist and put a white cast on it. Clint had already drawn an arrow on it. Shelby was diagnosed with smoke inhalation and was given some steroids and some antibiotics. Leah had been given some extra strength burn cream and some really good painkillers. It was Clint’s shift in the OR when he burst out of the atrium.

“They wheeled her into post op,” He said, jolting Alexa and Leah awake. Leah was quite loopy and asked for a doughnut. Natasha said that they’d get one in a minute and followed Clint down the hall. Shelby almost dumped her Coke all over the floor in her haste to turn the bend. The doctor met them at the door to post op.

“Oh, I was just coming to get you.” He said pleasantly. Clint already looked annoyed. “She’s stabile. She’ll be asleep for at least two more hours.” Alexa said something about the Terminator under her breath. “Her arms and shoulder were burnt, but not badly. They’ll be a little tender. No blistering or open wounds there, but there are a few nasty lacerations from the flying debris. She took the brunt of the blast, however. From being knocked back or the rubble or both, her leg was broken and she has a concussion. We’ll figure out how bad it is when she wakes up.” Alexa huffed a laugh.

“She’s had about five. By now, she should be used to it.” The doctor looked at her strangely.

“Five concussions? She might want to be more careful on the job,” He suggested. “Go to the nurses’ station if you have any more questions. She’s in the room at the end of the hall on the right.” He said, by way of dismissal.

“Five?” Clint echoed. “How did she get five?” Shelby shrugged.

“I know one of them was a quad accident.” She offered. They went into her room, and she looked a hot mess. Her leg was up in traction, and she was starting to stir and angrily try and take it out.

“Two hours my ass,” Alexa grumbled. She shuffled over to her and tried to calm her down. “Hey man, you can’t be pulling on that,” Leah fell back asleep in the uncomfortable plastic chair in the corner. Miranda ignored Alexa and lifted her leg out of the sling, starting to wake up.

“Dammit, now, Miranda,” Clint said, gently taking the heel of the cast and trying to put it back in the sling. “This has to stay up here. Are you with us?” Miranda peeped her eyes open at Clint.

“Leave that down. I can’t sleep on my back.” He glared at her and reiterated that it was important to keep it in traction. “You don’t have to whisper, man, I’m already awake. Do I have a roommate?” She started to look around but got dizzy and nauseous. Clint looked at her suspiciously.

“What do you mean, I don’t have to whisper?” Miranda gave him a look like he was dense.

“Can you speak up a smidge? I can’t hear you at all.” When she realized that she also couldn’t hear herself at all, she got very still and very pale. Natasha was already at the nurses’ station. “Guys?” She said a little louder. She still couldn’t hear herself. “Oh, fuck.”

**  
**  


“Well, it looks like it was either the concussion or the blast.” The doctor said chipperly to Clint. He was far beyond annoyed. The doctor peeped into Miranda’s ear canal, causing her to jump ten feet in the air. “I don’t see any perforations on her eardrums, so there’s nothing we can do as of yet. We just wait and see what happens.” Bucky and Steve were back at the hospital. Tony was bossing around the movers that were bringing in the girls’ furniture. Steve had marched into the tower and told Tony that they were taking in some, and this is a quote, ‘spare children’ and that they needed ‘some beds and warm food’. Tony had agreed instead of asking too many questions. Bucky had a way of looking incredibly menacing while nodding.

“How many children are we taking in?” He yelled while on the phone with his furniture guy.

“Four! Get them nice beds!” Steve said as the elevator closed.

“Four. Four king sized.” Tony had said into the phone. “Some dressers. Yeah.” Bucky was sitting in the chair that Leah vacated after coming down a little from the vicodin. He looked very tired, but otherwise level. Steve looked like he actually was 95. Clint was no longer in the room. Natasha had followed Clint. Miranda was trying to explain to Shelby the phase that she had gone through when she was younger without using the word ‘spy’. She kept looking toward Bucky, who didn’t seem to be listening. She was taking zero chances.

“Y’know, you go through a James Bond phase.” She tried.

“I have never ever done that.” Shelby said, assuming Miranda was high on pain meds.

“Nah, man, with all the gadgets and stuff?” Miranda reiterated. Shelby shook her head.

“No, dude. I never really wanted to do the James Bond thing. Spies in general-” Miranda pulled a face, but Bucky didn’t react. Miranda sighed.

“Yeah, I guess you could say spies in general. But I was reading a book, okay, and it said that any good spy could speak loads of languages, and suggested that spies should learn how to read lips so that they could spy on people from afar.” She finished defeatedly. Shelby giggled.

“Are you serious?” Miranda nodded. At this point, Natasha and Clint had came back into the room. Natasha shrugged.

“She’s not wrong,” Shelby laughed harder.

“Don’t encourage her!” Miranda was behind on the joke, but shrugged anyway.

“Too late, man.” Clint sat on the table next to Bucky, completely emotionless. Miranda was nervous about how completely calm everyone was. She was sure someone, somewhere, just became a corpse.

Stark had given him a phone that afternoon, and when Miranda was still awake, she had pulled up the scary stories. She was passed out now, but he had pages and pages of stories to read. He read four more and set down the phone.

“I remember more.” He said out loud. He wasn’t sure who he was talking to. “I remember Stevie and his sketchbook.” He cleared his throat. “I remember Stevie’s mom, and how she was always at work. I guess he’s not even ‘Stevie’ anymore. I guess he’s ‘Steve’ now. Or ‘Captain America’.” He leaned back in his chair. “I dunno why I’m spilling now. I don’t think you ever told me if I got you in trouble or not.” She slept the whole way through this. He shook his head and reached again for his phone. He accidentally went for it with his left hand, and in an attempt to not crush it to death, he threw it on the ground. Grumbling, he reached for the phone. Miranda still didn’t wake up. Bucky shifted uncomfortably in his seat and decided to test this whole blast-deafness thing. “Miranda?” He called. He raised his voice a little louder. “Miranda?” He decided to wait until the next nurse came in to ask how bad they thought it was. At eight on the dot, a nurse came in and began to check her vitals.

“Excuse me, ma’am?” The poor woman jumped at the sound of him standing and talking. Bucky pulled a face and raised his hands. “Sorry.” She zeroed in on his metal arm, eyes widening farther. “Er, sorry,” he said again, lowering his hands. “I was wondering what you guys thought happened to her ears.” The nurse flipped through her chart, and at one point began to giggle.

“I thought you were a robber, honey.” Bucky cracked a small smile as she located that section of Miranda’s chart. “It says here that the cause of hearing loss is unknown, and that the duration is unknown. They’re going to give her some steroids and hope for the best.” Bucky nodded tautly once. “Now, I’ve got to wake her and check on her concussion. You might want to step back.” Bucky raised an eyebrow at her. “She’s not very nice when woken up. Gave one of the younger girls a black eye right after her check in.”

“Want me to wake her?” The nurse weighed her options.

“You know what, honey, go ahead. Put those muscles to work.” She said, laughing. Bucky tentatively shook Miranda’s uninjured knee. She groaned, but went back to sleep. He scowled a little and shook it a bit harder. She brushed at his arm and tried to flip over, but eventually got caught in the traction sling. “Uh-oh, honey, this is when she gets nasty,” The nurse whispered from by Bucky’s chair.

“I’ll just roll her-” Bucky reached for her shoulder and tried to roll her back on her back only to be on the receiving end of a backhand.

“GET OFF- Oh my gosh!” Miranda jolted awake. Bucky took a small step back and glared at her.

“Well then.” The nurse, chuckling, moved in to shine a light in Miranda’s eyes.

“Did I slap you?” She asked after she was done being harassed by a flashlight.

“Yeah. It didn’t hurt though.” Bucky said, grinning.

“Oh, you asshole,” She said, laughing. “Of course I’m not going to knock your block off! I just got blown up!” Bucky pulled a face.

“That wasn’t nearly as funny as you thought it was,” He protested. She yawned at him. “Go back to sleep. It’s you and me, nine rounds when you wake up.” Miranda grumbled at him and drifted back off to sleep.

“Protective older brother type, I see,” The nurse said as she was filling out some forms. Bucky sputtered. “I’ve got you siblings pegged.” He didn’t have the heart to shoot holes in her balloons. She began to fuss with various machines and dressings. “I’m glad you’re here with her.” She said, drawing blood and flushing her IV. “The only two I have seen in that chair are you and Barton.” She snorted, writing down some more information. “I’m glad it was you tonight.” Bucky filed that away for later. “How are those other girls that were caught up in this same situation?” She asked compassionately. “I haven’t seen them around.”

“They’re all at home and in bed.” Bucky assured her.

“Mmmhmm. Where they should be. You take care of them, now. If you need me, go on down to the nurses’ station and ask for Margery.” She left the room with a smile.

Around nine, Clint stopped by with coffee and bagels.

“Natasha, Tony, Steve and I are going back to the warehouse at noon today to see if we can get any evidence on where those bastards went. Well, the bastards our girls didn’t shoot, anyway.” He said with a lopsided grin. “For what it’s worth, they’re pretty good shots.” He waved his bagel toward Miranda. “She could be one of us with some practice.” Bucky hummed and drank his coffee. After Clint inhaled his bagel, she looked at Bucky. “You wanna join us, Fabio?” Bucky glared and bit into his bagel.

“Eugh, onion! Who eats onion bagels?” Bucky said, flopping the bagel to the table and gulping the last of his cuppa. Clint looked dubiously at the discarded bagel. “Yeah, I’ll come with. She’s going to be out most of the day anyway.”

“After you, Herbal Essences,” Bucky sighed and left the room. Clint snagged the bagel and followed. “I like onion bagels,” He grumbled.

“Tony, tell me JARVIS is seeing this,” Clint said, a little astonished. It was 11pm, and the police and the fire brigade were gone. What they found when they had cleared some of the rubble was a set of stairs behind a trap door by the dock.

“Yep,” Tony replied. “There’s a tunnel that pops up across the river in a shop.”

“Well, they got away,” Cap said drily.

“Now what?” Tony said, turning to the group. “Are there more of these hell houses?” Cap frowned.

“That’s what we’ll have to find out.”

“So they all escaped.” Miranda said flatly, trying to clarify. Bucky nodded. “We should have shot all of them.” She grumbled. Bucky nodded again.

“No. Avengers don’t kill,” Steve said in his best Captain America voice. Bucky looked at him, a little embarrassed. Clint put a hand on the back of his neck. Natasha narrowed her eyes at Steve.

“Does making weapons for other people to kill people with count?” Tony quipped. Shelby chuckled.

“No, dammit,” Steve said, looking around the room. “Avengers-----” Miranda sighed and made eye contact with Clint across the room.

“My first ever Captain America speech and I’m going to miss it.” Clint barked a laugh and Cap turned to her, red in the face.

“Avengers are role models for a bunch of people. We can’t have all this blood on our hands.” He said, getting his cool back. “They may be Hydra, but they’re still people. We don’t kill people. And if you guys are going to be Avengers, neither do you.” Nobody moved for a second, but then all hell broke loose. Shelby took a victory lap with her arms in the air. Leah screamed and jumped. Alexa passed out. Steve looked wildly at her.

“Uh, oops, um,” She was unceremoniously scooped off the floor and set back into her chair as she came back to the world of the living.

“Holy shit,” She muttered. Miranda was laughing her ass off. Clint gave her a quizzical look from across the room.

“Talk about salvation story, amiright?” Everyone just looked at her like she was on drugs. I mean, she was, but that’s not the point. “No, no, hear me out. We were thieves, yeah? Stealing from the rich to give to us. Now, actual Captain America is giving us talks on morals. It’s literary nirvana.” Clint chuckled.

“She is so stoned.” A laugh went around the room. Miranda rolled her eyes.

“Whatever, guys. It’s poetic, is what it is.” Bucky shrugged, kinda feeling that himself.

“Ooh, is it a party in here!” Margery exclaimed when she entered the room. “I’ve got to change some of those bandages, now, so if anybody’s squeamish you should wait out in the hall.” Nobody moved. Margery laughed and started ripping tape off of Miranda’s skin.

“Ho-lee-shit!” Miranda bit out. Margery gave her a sharp look.

“Watch that language.” Tony snorted and went to lean on the same table as Clint was sitting on. Margery finished up the usual tests.

“When can I get out of here?” Miranda asked, hopefully. Margery gave her a level look.

“You were in an explosion yesterday in the wee hours and you wanna know when you can go home?” Miranda nodded. “Oh Lord, help me. You’ll have to talk to the doctor about that. I’ll send him around when I find him.” Miranda grinned. Margery looked at Clint and gave him the stink eye. “And don’t you encourage her! Keep an eye on him, Big Brother. He is a bad influence.” She groused to Bucky. He nodded, looking nervously at everyone else. Everyone waited until Margery left and shut the door to descend on him.

“Big brother?” Tony asked, incredulously. “She’s got you on the wrong side, Red Scare.”

“I mean, I can see the resemblance in the resting bitch face and the flowing locks.” Clint quipped to Tony. He laughed.

“C’mon, guys,” Bucky said, sitting in the spare chair Margery sent for him. “I was here last night and I just so happened to stay when Margery came to check up.” Miranda eyed him. She had no idea he was there that long. She just assumed he showed up at eight. “She said she had us pegged for siblings. I didn’t have the heart,” He declared. Clint and Tony went “Awww,” together and Bucky rolled his eyes at them. Miranda made eye contact with Alexa and pulled the ‘holy shit’ face. Alexa laughed and nodded.

“Speaking of home,” Shelby said, suddenly very serious. “Are we going to  have to pay for the damages done to our apartment? Has anybody talked to Miss Johnson?” The girls all made faces and realized that there was a huge mess for them to clean up when they got home. Steve shook his head.

“Uhm, no. We assumed you would say yes.” The girls looked at each other, shrugging. He wasn’t wrong. “So we had your stuff  moved to the tower!” Everyone grinned and high fived. Shelby went a little pale, but high fived the others with a small, grim, smile on her face. “We had them keep whatever stuff was together together, but if there was any mix ups, you’ll figure it out. Oh, and we made sure Miss Johnson knew you guys weren’t going to be back. So you should be good!” He said, chipper. After everyone simmered down from the news, the doctor walked in looking like he had just eaten a lemon.

“So, Margery tells me you want to go home.” Miranda nodded. “That’s not going to be possible at this point. We have to run some tests,” Miranda tuned out at this point, rolling her eyes. When she tuned back in, he was talking about taking the cast off of her leg.

“Oh, wait, when did you say that was?” Clint glared at her.

“Four weeks. Were you not listening?” Miranda raised an eyebrow.

“Technically, no I wasn’t. I still can’t hear?” The doctor made a small expression of shock, but eventually nodded.

“Well, I’ve been told it was quite the blast. It could be a few days yet. There is no way possible that you can go home until we run a few tests. Two more days, max. We have to make sure…” Miranda checked out again. Clint caught her eye and gestured for her to look at the doctor. “Make sure that your brain is going to be all fine and dandy and we should be set!” She snorted, and the doctor shot her a strange look. He made a few marks on her chart and left.

“Fine and dandy? Did he get his doctorate from Ned Flanders?” She said incredulously when the door shut. A couple of the crowd snorted, but everyone just looked tired. “So, uh, where did you guys crash last night?” Miranda asked Leah, Alexa, and Shelby.

“At the Tower,” Shelby replied, eyes shining. “We just assumed that we were in guest rooms.” Miranda grinned, a little jealous.

“So where’s Thor?” Alexa asked after a little lull. Steve and Tony looked at each other and shrugged.

“He’s with Jane right now in England. He should be back any day now,” Steve eventually answered. “Normally, he just hangs out at the Tower. I’m not sure if he knows about you guys yet. Has anybody called him?” Tony snorted.

“Like Thor keeps his phone on him. He has dropped it while flying around more times than I can count.” He grumbled. “That’s a lot of times, in case anybody was wondering.”

“Well, try.” Cap said. “You never know. Somebody could call Darcy?” He shot some side eye at Clint. Miranda laughed. Grumbling, Clint pulled his phone from his pocket and started texting. Miranda giggled at looked at Shelby.

“At least that one’s true.” Shelby laughed and shot some side eye at Clint.

“What? What’s true?” Miranda grinned.

“Nothing. I’ve found some things are better organic.” Clint gave her a stupefied look and began to unabashedly grumble, under his breath but clearly, about ‘cryptic women’.

“She is so high,” Tony said bemusedly. “Anyway, Steve, when you said we were ‘taking in spare children’ I honestly thought you meant children.”

“You said we were ‘spare children’?” Leah asked, laughing. “What’s a spare child, anyway?” Steve laughed and shrugged.

“I don’t know. I was flustered!” He protested. Everyone chuckled as he and Tony bickered about the specifics of adopting children.

“Alright, guys, not to break up the party, but I have to get back to work. Because I actually have a job,” Tony said, grinning and raising his hands. “I’ll leave you three with cab fare to get back to the Tower.” He said, gesturing to Leah, Alexa, and Shelby. “I’d leave you with cab fare, but I don’t think that’d be a good idea.” He gestured to Miranda.

“Oh, har, har.” She said drily. Tony left a few minutes later. “Wait, where’s Bruce?” She  asked.

“He’s at the Tower.” Alexa supplied. “He’d pop by, but he’s not a fan of hospitals. He’s a fan of SHIELD even less.” Miranda raised her eyebrows.

“Is there a club yet, or?” Alexa chuckled.

“Probably.” They hung out for a few hours. Most of the actual Avengers petered out and went home. Bucky got comfortable in his chair in the corner, and as the sun went down, the rest of the squad went home.

“I’ve been reading all of these stories on here,” Bucky said waving his phone in the air. Miranda grinned.

“Yeah? Which ones do you like?” Bucky said a few names and Miranda nodded, pretending like she caught what he said. He paused after a second and shook his head.

“Sorry.” He grabbed the chair he was sitting in and moved closer. “I forgot,”

“You know, I’m sure Stark has WiFi.” Miranda said, grinning. He shrugged, looking down at the phone.

“Yeah. He does.” Miranda waited for him to say something else. “It feels wrong there.”

“Steve felt it, too, when he quit being a Capsicle.” She offered in sincerity. Bucky grimaced at the terminology and shook his head.

“No, that’s not what I mean.” He leaned back in the chair and put a foot on the side of the bed. “I mean, I used to kill people and they know it.” He said bluntly. Miranda winced visibly.

“I mean, that wasn’t you, right? I don’t think it counts.” Bucky shrugged. “I know my friends don’t think it counts.”

“What if I think it counts?” He said, quietly. Miranda, for once, did not have a snappy comeback. They sat quietly for a few minutes, musing. “Besides, I couldn’t feed you to these assholes.” He said, louder and with a small grin. Subject change, on the rocks.

“What assholes? Margery?” Bucky snorted and shook his head.

“No, not Margery. I mean in general. We are at SHIELD hospital. Any organization that thinks blowing up kids is acceptable,” He shook his head.

“They didn’t actually blow me up.” She tried, with very little conviction.

“They might as well have.” He said derisively. “I’d rather be here, thanks. Who else wants to sit here and talk about scary stories?” He said, holding his phone up again. Miranda rolled her eyes and smiled.

  
“Okay, okay, Uncle. What’s your favorite, again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, guys. This is one of those silly PSAs that say that I totally know how lip reading works. One only catches like 1/3 of the words somebody says, but for the sake of the story, I'm not typing only 1/3 of the words that are said. Lip reading isn't a golden goose, fellows, and neither are hearing aids. This has been a xxLivingDead PSA!


	14. The Part Where Clint Parties All By Himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miranda needs to add blackmailing to her rap sheet.

When Margery came in through the door, Bucky had both feet crossed on the corner of Miranda’s mattress and was fast asleep. So was Miranda. She cooed at how sweet the whole thing was while she puttered around the instruments. Bucky cracked an eye at her.

“Oh, no, honey. You can go back to sleep.” She said, waving a hand at him. “You Agent-types are light sleepers.” She said, chuckling. He sat forward and shook his head rapidly.

“Oh, no, ma’am, I’m not an Agent here.” She shot him some side eye and nodded.

“Where then? You’re an Agent somewhere.” Bucky shrugged.

“I used to be in the army.” He offered tightly. She nodded.

“I see. You’ve got the military look about you. Except for that haircut. When is the last time you’ve got to a barber?” Bucky was actually stumped for a moment.

“You know, I’ll be damned if I remember.”

“So what is your plan, here, Tony?” Pepper said, sitting across from him at the breakfast bar. “You’re going to keep four twenty year old girls in the Tower, for what? They’re not Avengers. More than once, your fight has come home. These girls will be in danger.” Tony nodded while pouring sugar into his coffee.

“Yeah, but have you seen the blonde one kick things? They’ll be fine.” He said, flapping his hand at her. He pulled Shelby’s bug scanner from his pocket. “One of them built this with a mint tin, some spare electrical tape, and some bits and pieces bought from the internet. It’s almost as good as my bug scanners.” Pepper picked it up and looked a little closer at it. “They’re all decent shots, and honestly, they’re pretty good at doing stuff if Fury decided to throw them into the Helicarriers during the whole Hydra fiasco.” He took a drag of his coffee. “Besides, we need more women around here. That much testosterone threatens to choke us all.”

“Listen, guys, I really enjoy that you think these are mine,” Leah held up a pair of underwear scandalously. “But nice try.” Shelby yelped and dashed across the hall.

“Hey!” Leah laughed and handed her a pile.

“Does anybody have my CDs?” Alexa called from her room.

“Maybe Fred’s room has them. Go check!” Leah said, throwing more underwear at Shelby as she sorted through the rest.

“Hell no!” Alexa said, laughing. “I’m nervous about what I would find.”

“What would you be nervous about?” Tony said, overhearing as he was walking to the lab with his coffee. “Does she have bombs? Bombs are a no-go around here, guys.” He took a sip of coffee. “I’m a little sad that I had to tell you that, to be honest.”

“What kind of things did you have to tell Clint?” Tony’s mouth worked for a second.

“Actually, he only drops by occasionally. It’s mostly me, Pepper, Bruce, and sometimes Steve.” Shelby nodded. “And I did have to tell him no bombs. Be good, please. I’m going to be in my lab. If you need me, JARVIS will gladly order you a pizza.”

**  
  
**

“Yeah, hi, do you guys have Netflix?”

“How did you get this number?” Miranda looked at Bucky for the answer. He shook his head violently.

“I, uh, I’m a bad person.” Bucky rolled his eyes.

“That’s it? You’re gonna leave it at that?”

“Um. Yes.” Miranda said, looking anxiously at Bucky.

“You know what, I’m going to choose to believe you.” Miranda high fived Bucky.

“Can we, um can I have it?” A sigh came over the line, and he gave her the email and password. “Thanks, Fury!” She chirped.

“Don’t queue any DVDs, please,” He said, sighing deeply.

“No problemo!” Fury hung up. “I’m really glad they have old people phones in the hospital. Could you hear that from there?” Bucky laughed and nodded. “I will remember that forever. No secret phone conversations with others in the room.”

“So, this Netflix thing,” He started, scooting his chair closer.

“You’re going to love it. No news reels, no overly political cartoons. Just movies. Really good ones.” He gave her a skeptical look. “What are you feeling? Comedy, horror, action,”

“Horror. Let’s see what we have here in 2013.”

“It’s a good one. Called Grave Encounters. It’s my favourite, I show everyone. You’ll love it.”

92 minutes later, Bucky was seated wide-eyed and slack jawed.

“How good was that?” Miranda said, grinning.

“How did they… Where did they?” He clasped his hands and leaned forward. “Was that… Real?” Miranda grinned and shook her head.

“Nah,” She closed out of Grave Encounters and went back to the movie screen. “It’s all special effects.”

“Wow,” Bucky said, leaning back and dragging a hand down his face.

“I thought they were pretty cool too, Buck.” Steve said from the doorway. “I never did find a taste for horror movies, though. Always turned my stomach.” He pulled over the uncomfortable plastic chair. “Care if I join?” Bucky shrugged, looking a little nervous. Miranda shrugged, feeling a lot nervous. It was the same feeling she had in the containment pod.

“Yeah. What are we watching?” Miranda said, smiling.

“Hm. Here’s my list,” He dug  a small notebook out of his jacket pocket. Miranda let out a small gasp.

“Oh my goodness. The List.” She said, grinning from ear to ear. Steve shot a weird look at Bucky.

“I don’t bother anymore.” Bucky said, raising his hands.

“This bad boy is a big deal back home.” She explained, raising it and laughing. “Let’s see what you’re behind on.” Miranda thumbed through the book but stopped halfway through.

“What did you find?” Steve asked, smiling.

“No, I think I’m going to put my own spin on it.” She said, handing the list back. “This movie is another one of my favourites.”

“Oh no, more favourites?” Bucky said sarcastically.

“Forreal, I watch a lot of movies.” She said, smiling. “And this one is a warm up. The other two, we’ll watch when we’re all together.” She queued up A Knight’s Tale. “You’ll enjoy this.”

“Hell-ooo,” Steve, said, chuckling. “It’s a lance!” Miranda laughed heartily at his impression.

“That was a good one.” Bucky said, grinning. “What’s next?”

“An MRI, a CAT scan, and maybe another xray.” The doctor said from the doorway. “We’ve got to take her away from you guys. Sorry!” Miranda sighed. A nurse came in behind them with a wheelchair.

“Ugh, gross.” Miranda swung her feet out and around the two guys  
“Hey, wait,” The nurse said, trying to catch her. Miranda gave her a droll look and hopped to the wheelchair and slid in.

“I’ve been trying to talk them into letting me have crutches.” She said, grumpily. Steve looked at Bucky, who had snorted a laugh.

“Yeah, probably not. They know you’d escape.” Miranda shrugged as she wheeled down the hallway, with the harried nurse following behind. Bucky shook his head.

“You really have your hands full, there, Steve. Are the other girls as bull-headed?” Steve shook his head.

“Not that I can tell.” He said with a smile.

“They going to be a part of your team?” Bucky asked, leaning back in the chair.

“No.” Steve said firmly. “Are you?” Bucky frowned at him.

“No. You know I can’t.” Steve spread his hands.

“No I don’t. Tell me why, Buck.” Bucky sighed and rubbed his forehead.

“I’m not a superhero, Captain America.” He finally settled on. Steve stood and paced toward the back of the room, nodding.

“Not yet. You could be.” Bucky stood shaking his head.

“No, Steve. I heard you loud and clear. ‘Avengers don’t kill.’ But I do.” Steve took a quick step towards him, but decided to stay back. He pointed at him.

“No, Bucky. The Winter Soldier kills. You don’t.”

“The Winter Soldier, Bucky, it’s all one man.” Bucky said angrily. “I can’t peel that part away from me like you can’t peel Captain America away from you.”

“Uh, doughnut?” Clint asked from the doorway, eyes wi1d and mouth full of glazed.

“No, thanks.” Bucky pushed past him and into the hallway. Steve sighed and followed him.

“No, it’s cool. I’ll party all by myself.” He muttered, sitting on the bed. “Wait!” He stood, peering back into the hall. “Where’s Miranda?”

 


	15. The One With the Late Night Phonecall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Miranda gets cafeteria rights and Steve and Bucky have a domestic, Thomas and Clint have their own adventure.

Miranda was shuffled in and out of tubes for the rest of the hour while Clint slowly plowed through a dozen doughnuts. When she raced the nurse back to the room, Clint was sitting in one chair with his feet in the other, scrolling on his phone and eating a doughnut.

“Oh, hey,” He said, trying to swallow. “Where were you?” She got out of the chair and slid into the bed.

“They were frying my brains.Why are you sitting in my room, eating doughnuts?” He looked guilty.

“I brought them for Cap and Bucky also, but they were having a domestic, so I ate theirs. Doughnut?” The nurse tried to protest, but saw the menacing gleam in Miranda and Clint’s eyes and decided against it. She took the wheelchair back down the hallway.

“Steve and Bucky had a domestic?” She asked, with her mouth full. Clint nodded.

“I walked in as they were yelling about peeling. I’m not sure what they were mad about. I’m not sure I need to know.” He said, holding his hands up. Miranda almost spat out her doughnut.

“Feeling? Is that what you said?” She asked, completely disconcerted. “You walked in on that?” Clint rapidly swallowed, shaking his head and waving his doughnut around.

“No, no, no, Peeling.” Miranda gave him a flat look. He wiped down his face. “A p. P. Peeling.”

“Stop it!” Miranda sputtered. “I don’t even care anymore.” She wrenched the blankets up to her chest and set her doughnut on the rolling stand.

“Aw, don’t,” Clint tried, but she was looking the other way and sniffed. “Aw,” There was one more doughnut in the box. He threw it like a frisbee past her eyes to get some attention. She turned, irritated and a little glassy eyed.

P-E-E-L-I-N-G He signed, in a final, last ditch effort. “Like bananas? Peeling?” Miranda had a shock go through her and she laughed.

“Peeling.” She said, eyebrows furrowed. “There are so many more questions that I have now. First off, ASL?” She asked, partially knowing the answer. Clint nodded slowly and looked back at the empty doughnut box for support.

“You probably know, don’t you?” He said, quietly. He had looked back up, but carefully avoided eye contact.

“I know some possible scenarios,” Miranda allowed. “None of them are pretty. Moving on.” Clint nodded gratefully. “Peeling. What are they peeling?”

“Hopefully not each other,” He said, sarcastically and under his breath. Miranda snorted and shook her head.

“Gross.”

  
  


Bucky stalked out of the hospital and leaned against a pillar. He didn’t know where he wanted to go, but he needed to go someplace. Hell, he didn’t even know where he could go. He could hail a cab and go back to the Tower. He shook his head halfway across the sidewalk. He had no cab money. Was he a fugitive? He spent all his spare time at a SHIELD hospital the past few days, so he was assuming not. He craved a cigarette and some good food, but he had neither. In the end, he copped a squat next to the door he had come out of and took a few deep breaths. After a few cycles of his brain chasing itself (I want to go somewhere else, but I don’t wanna go to the Tower, I don’t wanna go to the Tower, but I don’t wanna stay here) he decided to stand and see if Miranda was back from the tests yet.

 

“Who’s Netflix are you on?” Clint asked, kicking back in the chair. “You said nothing of yours worked from back home.” Miranda nodded.

“Yeah, you should add extortion to her rap sheet.” Bucky said drily from the doorframe. “She pumped it out of Fury.” Clint’s eyes widened and he turned back to Miranda.

“You little shit! I don’t even have the Netflix,” Miranda laughed and scrolled down the page.

“Well, what do you want to watch?” Clint shrugged as Bucky continued to float in the hallway.

“I dunno. Aren’t you bored?” Clint said, scooching his chair so that Bucky could sit down. Miranda gave him a look.

“Yeah, I’m bored. Speaking of, have you talked to Tommy recently?” Clint shook his head slowly.

“No. No I haven’t. You wanna talk to Tommy, though, don’t you?” Miranda nodded. “I’ll see what I can do. I’ll be back. Keep an eye on her, Fabio.” He said to Bucky on his way out the door.

“You know, you could get your hair cut and a shave if you want.” Miranda said, grinning. “We have that technology here.” Bucky nodded and sat down, rubbing his stubble. “Are you good?” Bucky blinked at her for a second, then wiped down his face.

“No. Maybe.” He watched as she shut her laptop lid and leaned forward. “Steve wants me to join them at the Tower, and maybe on his team.” He said flatly. “I told him no, because I’m not a super hero. I won’t ever be a super hero.” Miranda shrugged with an indifferent face.

“Neither will I. You don’t see me crying about it.” Bucky winced and Miranda shook her head with a smile. “You’re gonna be Bucky Barnes, reawakened guy from the 40s. I’m gonna be Miranda Miller, inter-dimensional traveller with great hair.” Bucky snorted. “So what if you’re not Bucky Barnes, super hero? Super heros have to be nice, and not smoke, and not drink, and never ever do anything mean. For the children.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s a drag, anyway.”

“You like the missions, though.” Bucky retorted. “Going in, saving the day,” He gestured to her bed and hospital patient getup.

“Yeah. Super heros aren’t the only ones who go on missions.” She said haughtily. “Loud, angry women who get what they want with their voices and fisticuffs can go on missions, too.” Bucky laughed, leaning forward and slapping his thighs. Miranda was certain that was the first real laugh she had witnessed from him. “I’m sure quiet, angry guys with mountain man scruff and big muscles can go on missions as well.” She added, after he had calmed down. He sobered a little and nodded.

“I guess they could.” Miranda leaned back, considering.

“Besides, if the criteria Cap set aside for being an Avenger is in effect, I’m-uh- I’m not one.” She said, getting nervous as Bucky narrowed his eyes and leaned forward.

“What criteria?” He asked, folding his hands and resting his elbows on his knees.

“The, uh. The not murdering people one.” She said quietly. Bucky nodded slowly, glassy eyed.

“What happened?” Miranda took a deep breath and held onto her pillow in front of her. “You don’t have to,” Bucky began, leaning back and raising his hands. “I didn’t mean to pry.” Miranda shrugged.

“Most of my team doesn’t know of the first one.” She started. A shadow crossed Bucky’s face. “We were at the Louvre. I was in an air vent, looking down.” She sniffed. Bucky clenched his jaw. “I was supposed to wait until the guard was gone, take the painting, and leave. It was clean. But he forgot his phone and came back. I panicked.” Bucky wiped down his face and looked off to the side, realizing what comes next. “The other girls were in the building. If the police were called, they’d go down too. I just shot him. I only wanted to incapacitate him, I didn’t want to kill him. But he bled out so fast. Shelby found out that I got an artery.” She sniffed again, really trying to not look like an asshole in front of James Buchanan Barnes. “He had kids. And a wife. They were the background on his phone. I just ran out after I saw it.” She was quiet for a long moment. “We never ended up getting the painting.” Bucky nodded.

“You said he was the first one.” Miranda put her chin up.

“The rest were Hydra. They would have killed me or mine. I don’t think they count.” He nodded, considering it.

“How? The Hydra agents.”

“The first two with a knife in our apartment. The rest with the gun at the warehouse.” Bucky nodded again. He looked like a bobble-head for a minute, just slowly nodding.

“Well, your rap sheet is cleaner than mine.” Miranda frowned and nodded.

“Yeah, but I’m twenty. I have a minute.” Bucky gave her a strange look.

“You’re not catching up.” He stated. Miranda held her hands up and shook her head.

“No, no, no. I’m saying… I guess I’m saying that in the same circumstances, I’d do it again.” She explained, wringing her hands. “I was-”

“You don’t have to justify it.” Bucky said, raising in dismissal. “I’m not God, I don’t get to judge you.”

“I don’t know.” She said shrugging and sitting back. “I guess I care about what you think.” She said carefully. “You’re a good guy.” Bucky shook his head and smirked sardonically.

“And you know this ‘cos you know my future.” Miranda nodded minutely, not sure where he was headed with this. “You don’t know why I do things, though. You don’t know what goes on in my head.”

“The decisions you make… They wouldn’t be made by somebody that’s a dick.” She said with a decisive tone. “Besides, you haven’t been an asshole to me yet. I think I’m a pretty good judge of character.” Bucky gave her a disbelieving look.

“You let loose a dozen killer nine-year-olds.” He said flatly. She made a face.

“Ah yes. The nine-year-olds.”

 

After Thomas was through kicking over chairs and hissing at the pain in his side, he demanded Clint come with him to Fury’s office.

“Will you have my back?” He asked seriously. Clint nodded once, solemnly. Steve and Bucky had taken down all of the posters and comics from the walls. The Office was again a conference room. It hadn’t taken the girls a week to get a capital ‘o’ on their room of choice. Thomas ground his teeth and left the room, seething. Clint followed, slightly surprised. The agent at the door stepped aside when Thomas showed him his ID. Clint just needed to grin at him wolfishly. Fury was sifting through paperwork, stopping abruptly when Thomas opened the door.

“To what do I owe this visit, Agent Morgan?” Fury kept looking back at Clint, who was not standing in a way that made him all that comfortable.

“You can just call me Thomas, Director Fury.” Thomas said quietly. “I quit.” Clint blinked a few times but didn’t move. Fury sighed and leaned back in his chair.

“I’m assuming this is because Agent Barton back there leaked some confidential information.” Clint shook his head slowly.

“We weren’t on a SHIELD op. Cap decided to have a team-building exercise in Chechnya. Besides, I’m just Clint.” Fury sat in shocked silence as Thomas and Clint placed their IDs on the desk.

“Our belongings will leave with us.” Thomas said in parting. As they left, he turned to Clint. “I didn’t mean have my back like that.” He hissed. “You’re like a level 74!” Clint laughed.

“I’m only an 8. Well, I was.” He pulled a face. “Whatever, man, we’ll find something. It felt right, you know?” Neither of them had all that much to get out of their bunks.

“I’m glad I don’t have the Venus de Milo,” Thomas joked. Clint looked at him like he had just spoken in Chinese. “Uh, Miranda said that she’d steal me the Venus de Milo if I wanted when I got shot. She was being dramatic, I’m sure.” Clint pursed his lips.

“You know, you shouldn’t give any of them ideas. They might just do it.”

 

“No amount of whining will make me send you home earlier.” The doctor said. Miranda frowned petulantly.

“I wasn’t whining,” She protested. “Doc, I’m climbing the walls.” He winced at being called ‘Doc’ but sighed.

“If we allow you to go to the recreation area and the cafeteria, will you stop climbing the walls?” He mocked. It was lost on her, as she whooped in excitement.

“Sure will! Thanks, man!” Bucky and Steve looked at each other in dread. A few minutes later, a nurse came with a wheelchair with her room number on the back.

“Well, where are we headed?” Steve asked.

“To the cafeteria! I want to choose the color of apple I get with lunch.” She crowed, already in the chair and halfway out the door.

“You have some seriously low standards.” Bucky said, walking beside her. Miranda chuckled.

“If I expect absolutely nothing, how can I be disappointed?” Bucky shook his head with a grin. Steve fell back behind her, watching her and Bucky. He hadn’t talked to Steve about what happened yesterday, and Steve wasn’t going to bring it up. When they got to the cafeteria, Miranda hadn’t been too far off. They served the same thing that was going to the patient’s rooms, but you could choose either pudding or fruit.

“Oh, what a world,” Miranda said, chuckling as they took a table. A worker was wiping down tables to the left of them. With a start, she realized he was looking towards her out of the left of her peripherals. She turned red and took a big bite out of her green apple.

“The girls got most of their stuff moved in.” Steve said as he munched on saltless french fries. “Except for the weirdest thing. There’s a life-sized cardboard picture of Loki that no one will claim. Is it yours?” Miranda almost spat out her apple.

“No. Uh, no. What kind of lunatic would have that?” She said, coughing. Steve nodded.

“It’s weird.” He said, agreeing. “These fries taste like nothing.” Bucky laughed.

“I was going to go with potato, but that’s just as accurate.” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“What else do you want fries to taste like, egghead? Hamburgers?” Bucky snorted and shook his head.

“I don’t know. I figured they’d at least put salt on it.” The man cleaning the table must’ve said something, because Steve turned and Bucky looked around him. She looked as he stood up straight.

“Huh?” She said, super eloquently.

“... high sodium.” He replied, grinning. “Captain America, yeah?” He said, gesturing to Steve. Steve nodded and gave him a tight lipped smile.

“Guilty.” The other man said something and Miranda checked out, looking over to Bucky. He shrugged at her, digging into his turkey sandwich. Steve and the guy chatted for a few minutes before the guy caught a glimpse of the back of her chair.

“Yeah, she’s the one.” Steve said, after nudging her. “Apparently, everybody here knows who you got your Netflix from.” She looked over at the guy who had a grin on his face. She nodded, shrugging.

“I figured why not?” She replied.

“Pretty smooth,” He replied, eyes gleaming. Miranda thought he looked familiar in the moment, but she had no idea from where.

“Thanks, man. What’s your name?” He paused for a second, looking over to Bucky.

“Michael.” He said clearly. With another pang of embarrassment, she realized Bucky must’ve told him. “You’re Miranda, right?” She nodded. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet, you too, Michael.” She turned back to her food. Everyone at in relative quiet, munching. When they went back to the room, Clint and Thomas were sitting there.

“Hey!” Thomas said, standing up. Miranda grinned.  
“I didn’t know how to get ahold of you, man.” They high fived and Miranda hopped from the chair to the bed.

“That’s okay. Clint came and got me.” Clint waved from the corner and corralled Cap and Bucky out into the hall. Miranda looked at him suspiciously. “What’s going on?” Thomas pursed his lips.

“Well, he’s probably telling them what happened when he came and got me.” Miranda raised her eyebrow at him. “We, uh, we quit. Word is, so did Natasha.”

“Oh, shit! Really?” He nodded. “Hot damn.”

“If Fury was fine sending some untrained girls out to a Hydra base, I wasn’t fine working for him.” Miranda nodded.

“Fair enough. What are you going to do now?” He grinned, wiping a hand down his face.

“I have no idea. The panic hasn’t set in yet.” Miranda laughed. “I also hear you got Fury’s Netflix?” He said, remembering that. “How’d you do that?”

“I called him.” She said, nodding. “Then I asked for it.” Thomas made a bewildered face.

“How did you call him? He doesn’t give people his number?”

“I’m a bad person.” She said. In reality, when they were sweeping for bugs, she saw his office phone. His number was written on the phone. What she had been telling everyone sounded much more badass.

“Alright. That’s great.” Thomas said, chuckling and leaning back in his chair. Cap, Bucky, and Clint came back in the room.

“Hey, so the doc said you could probably be released tomorrow.” Clint said. “He came in while you were on your adventure.” Miranda grinned and sighed.

“Finally!” Steve answered his phone. He chatted for a few minutes, then hung up.

“Thor is on his way. Jane is still in England for the time being. Darcy says hello.” He added, looking to Clint. He got red and Miranda chuckled at him. “He’ll be at the Tower later tomorrow. We’re all probably going to leave, for now, but we’ll be here bright and early to pick you up.” Miranda nodded and fistbumped Clint.

“You gonna be good, there?” She asked, concerned.

“Sure. It’ll be fine.” Everybody started to mill out, Thomas talking over logistics of where he could stay with Steve. Bucky pulled up a chair.

“Don’t you want to sleep in a real bed?” She asked, shoving his foot off the edge of the bed. He let it stomp on the floor. “And have you showered ever?” Bucky laughed.

“Yeah, I have. Stark’s shower has more technology in it than I have seen in my whole life. I got in, and when I turned it on it started playing music and there were coloured lights and water coming out of the sides. It was amazing, yet somehow awful at the same time.” Miranda laughed her ass off. She could not wait to shower at the Tower.

“Alright, alright.” He put his foot back up, looking at her tentatively. “You’re going to have to talk to him eventually. If for nothing else, for my sake.” Bucky looked at her like she grew another head. “It’s like Mommy and Daddy are fighting.” He snorted and looked down.

“Sorry. Everything is different now, but he doesn’t want to see that.” Miranda nodded slowly, not wanting to derail whatever was happening. “We haven’t once talked about what he’s been doing since he came back. He just wants to talk about before… before everything.” Miranda shrugged.

“Talk to him about it, then.” He gave her a look. “Hey, man, I’m no Oprah but you should probably talk it out. With him.” Bucky cringed. “Yeah, it’s going to be awkward, but what’s more awkward: Talking to a friend you have technically had for like 90 years, or talking to some 20-year-old alien you’ve known for five days?” He shook his head and laughed.

“You’re not an alien.”

“Coke tastes like Pepsi and Pepsi tastes like Coke in my homeland.” She said, grinning. They sat there in silence as they browsed on their phones. When Miranda fell asleep, Bucky carefully pulled his feet off of the bed and went out of the room and down the hallway to the waiting room. He pulled up his contacts and called one of two numbers located there.

“Steve? Did I wake you?”

 

 


	16. The Part With Remy LeBeau

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the Casual Thieves has a run in with a not-so-casual thief.

Michael waited until he watched the Winter Soldier go into the hall. He wasn’t stupid. He knew he couldn’t take him on by himself. He crept into the room, shut the door, and drew the curtains. Miranda didn’t stir, as expected. He quickly locked the door and took three quick steps to the bedside. She sure as hell didn’t look like a thief, but she was the only one in the whole hospital that wasn’t on either the Guild or SHIELD’s roster. Other than him, that is. That was enough. He snagged her cell phone off of the table and realized it didn’t have a password. That would make this easier. He put the small bug into the back of the phone and installed the software to send him her information, calls, and texts. When he was through, he looked back up at her. He made eye contact and jumped.

“What are you doing?” He quickly turned on the charm, hoping he wasn’t too late.

“Honestly? I was trying to find out how to take a selfie.” She crinkled her eyebrows at him.

“Are you shitting me? It’s 2am.” He pretended to be surprised.

“Really? I did get off my shift late. I was going to stop by and chat when I got off, but when I got here you were asleep. Figured I’d take a stupid picture and come back tomorrow.” He shrugged and put down the phone. “Now that I’ve said it out loud, it sounds creepy.” Miranda’s glare softened and she chuckled.

“I’ve been there. Where’s Bucky?” He looked back and forth like he didn’t know he was here.

“Who?”

“Black hair, longish. Scruffy like he’s been on an island for a month. Dresses in all black.” Michael nodded and pointed at her, feigning realization.

“The one from the cafeteria?” She nodded. “Hadn’t seen him. Actually, I would have just left if he were here.” He said, faking embarrassment. “He’s a little intimidating. He’s your brother?” Miranda sighed and slapped her face.

“No! Damnit, Margery.” He looked at her, genuinely confused. “One of the night nurses saw him sleeping here and assumed he was my brother and now people all think we’re related. That’s not the case.” Michel raised an eyebrow and grinned at her as he sat in Bucky’s chair. Miranda’s eye twitched.

“So, your boyfriend?” Miranda laughed, then realized her boyfriend was home, probably worried about where she was.

“No. My boyfriend is at home.” She sighed deeply as Michael looked at the door in alarm. “Is that locked?” Michael looked back at her in panic. Bucky’s voice outside got a little louder. “Bucky?” Michel put a hand over her mouth. She grabbed his arm and tried to pull him away while simultaneously licking the shit out of his palm. He looked at her, disgusted, but scooped her front the bed anyway. “BUCKY HELP.” She yelled the second his hand was away. She saw the door shake, but naturally, this was a SHEILD facility. There were reinforcements on the reinforcements around here. Michael threw them both out of the window and Miranda screamed so loudly her throat ached. They landed on the ambulance building and he jumped again. By this point, every limb that wasn’t covered in plaster was wrapped around his body and she was glad she had put on sweats and a tee shirt the second they didn’t require her to be in the hospital gown. She was still shrieking when he put her in the back of a black car and started it up.

“Honest to god,” She yelled. “You really fucked up bad.” He turned around and snarled something at her, but he wasn’t speaking any language she knew. “I can’t hear you, you fuckhead.” He turned back around and continued driving at a breakneck speed. She was crying and shaking and she had realized she didn’t even have her phone.

 

The entire Tower was on red alert. Bucky called Steve who told JARVIS to wake everyone and put Bucky’s call on the intercom in the living room.

“Listen, twinkle toes,” Clint began, growling.

“Somebody took Miranda from the hospital.” Clint shut up. “Bucky left the room to make a phone call,” He said delicately. “And when he came back the door was locked. By the time he took it down, she was gone out the window.” Clint ran to his room to get his gear.

“Her phone is on the table here.” Bucky said over the intercom.

“Did you see anybody?” Clint asked as he ran back to the living room with real pants on. The girls were tumbling out of the hallway in various states of geared up. Tony came out of his lab in the black long underwear he wears under his suit, poking at a Stark pad.

“No. I was in the lobby.” Bucky said softly. “I only left for like fifteen minutes.” Tommy slid down the hallway in his SHIELD uniform and socks, carrying his boots.

“JARVIS said Miranda was kidnapped?” He said, breathless.

“Yeah, but you aren’t coming with.” Clint said decisively. “Neither are you guys.” He gestured at the three girls who were helping each other get into the SHIELD vests they stole. There was a clamor until Steve raised his voice.

“Enough!” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Tony, did you find anything?”

“Yeah. Security cam on the ambulance building of the hospital saw her get shoved into the back of a black sedan. Already woke Pepper up. She’s sending it to the police. We’ll get there first, though, because I found a light camera that took his picture because he was speeding. It was a minute ago.” Bruce had padded out and was leaning against the kitchen island.

“Where? I’ll be there.” Bucky said breathlessly from the phone. Tony relayed the location and Bucky hung up.

“Tommy, you just got shot. Shelby, I need you to keep an eye on where the sedan is headed and give us updates. It’ll be pointless to just search around in such a big area. Alexa and Leah have to stay here in case she manages to get loose and come here.” Steve said, authoritatively. “You won’t be doing nothing. We just don’t know who we’re dealing with.” The girls nodded, resigned. “Bruce, hang back. Help Shelby.” Bruce nodded.

“If you need the Big Guy,” He offered. Tony went out onto the platform and suited up.

“C’mon, Legolas. Let’s get going.” Clint and Tony took off from the platform as Steve went to get his motorcycle. Shelby took her position in front of the Stark pad and took the comms units that Alexa had gone to get.

“Bad news, guys, the car is now parked outside of a subway station.” There were grunts of acknowledgement. It only took Clint and Tony a few minutes to get there, Steve not far behind.

“She’s not in the car. It wasn’t locked.” Clint reported. Steve must have shown up as they were tossing the car.

“There’s nothing in here. Not a receipt, not a wrapper. Nothing.” He said. Tony sighed.

“I’ll take to the sky and see if anybody is driving like a lunatic.” Steve nodded.

“I’ll take the subway and see if they decided to board a train.” He said. “Clint, you start searching on the street level.”

 

Bucky had gotten to the intersection a street down and watched them make the turn toward the subway station. He watched from the shadows as he carried her into a building across the street.

“You can put me down.” She said moodily. “How far am I going to get?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure.” Michael from the cafeteria said. Bucky cracked his neck and glared. He opened the door and walked them both in. Bucky pulled out his phone and tried to call Steve, but it rang and rang. Miranda’s phone was still on the counter back at the hospital, and he knew no other way to try and get ahold of anyone.

“Shit,” He swore. He crept up to the front window of the building. The shades were drawn, but through the small crack in the window, he could see Miranda sitting on a dingy couch.

 

“Gross.” She groused. “You couldn’t have picked a nicer supervillan lair?” Michael laughed and shook his head.

“I’m not a villain,” He protested from the chair across. “This place hasn’t been used in years.” He rubbed at his eyes.

“Tired?” Miranda asked hopefully. “You did have a long shift at work. You could just-”

“Oh, no you don’t.” Michael scolded. He stood and walked to the adjoined kitchen. On the counter, there was a contact case and solution. He turned his back and began to dig out his contacts.

“Ah. Contacts. I can’t wear the things. Give me headaches.” She babbled. She was starting to get very nervous. Michael turned back around.

“Can’t really wear sunglasses inside, cher.” Miranda gasped.

“Dude, Remy?” Remy became very still. He had anticipated some sort of response, but normally it was shock. She seemed excited, and she knew his name. “For chrissake, if you would have done this an hour ago I wouldn’t have had to lick you.”

“How do you know who I am?” He kept his straight American accent. She seemed to have trouble with his normal accent.

“It’s seriously a long story. Why did you kidnap me?” She said, putting up her thumping leg.

Bucky figured he’d cut his losses. She said she knew him, so he’d start out civil. An ass-beating would only be delivered under dire circumstances. He walked up the stairs and knocked on the door.

“Who the hell is that,” Remy said, on edge. Miranda raised an eyebrow. The knocking became more insistent. Remy raised a finger to his lips.

“Fuck it,” Bucky muttered. He raised a boot and kicked in the door. Miranda jumped out of her skin and turned to the door.

“Bucky!” She exclaimed. “This is the definition of ‘it’s not what it looks like’.” He took a few menacing steps toward Remy, who was already in a fighting stance with his bo staff. “Please don’t kill him.” Bucky nodded and raised his hands slowly.

“If he didn’t kidnap you and take you to a dirty first floor apartment, then what did he do?” He asked Miranda evenly. Miranda grimaced.

“Uh, bad expression. There’s more to this than meets the eye.” She tried again. “I know exactly who he is. He’s not a rando.” Remy furrowed his brow at her and Bucky put his hands down.

“Who is he, then?” Bucky asked, eyeing him warily.

“Bucky, this is Remy. He’s one of the X-Men. Although, I’m assuming that you’re not here for them.” She asked him. He looked dumbfounded.

“No.” He said decisively. “I’m here with the Thieves’ Guild of New York.” He said, sitting down. He didn’t relax.

“Why New York?” She asked, screwing up her face. “You’re with New Orleans.” He squinted his eyes at her.

“Mind tellin’ me where you know all of dis?” He said, tired of keeping his accent.

“I’m not from around here.” Miranda offered. “Actually, where I’m from, you’re part of a comic book series. And a really shit movie, but we don’t talk about that.” Remy stared at her.

“It’s true. Her and her friends know enough for it to be uncomfortable.” Bucky said, sitting down. “You could have at least brought her shoes,” He added.

“I was in a hurry.” Remy said flatly. “There’s four of you?” Miranda nodded curtly. “I’m assuming you know why de Thieves’ Guild wants to know.” She nodded again. “Good. Do I have to warn you what will happen if you take a contract in New York or elsewhere?” Miranda shook her head with a grimace.

“Unfortunately, I can’t make any promises.” Remy looked taken aback. “Sorry, my man, but we’re going to do what we have to, fancy Guild be damned.”

“I wouldn’ advise dat,” He said slowly, not understanding where the venom in her voice came from.

“That’s fine. If the Avengers need us, that’s what we’re going to do.” Remy glared and leaned forward in his seat.

“Then you’ll be dealin’ wit’ me,” He gritted out. Bucky snorted.

“More like you’ll have to deal with them.”

 

Clint circled back around to where the car was. He had found no one that knew anything or saw anything. He circled back around to meet with Cap and Tony. As he leaned against the car, he saw that a door across the street was open. He flicked his eyes up and down the street. Nobody. He snapped his gum. It wasn’t open when he was here earlier. He quit leaning on the car and noticed that the doorframe was busted. Somebody had kicked it in. Definitely wasn’t kicked in earlier. He took a few quick strides to the stairs and peered in, bow drawn and arrow ready.

 

Remy stood, seeing someone with a bow drawing to shoot. He charged three cards and threw them, standing in front of Miranda. The man shot his bow, and Bucky went over the back of the couch.

“Stop!” Miranda shouted. No one listened. Clint fired another arrow at Remy but he dodged and threw a few cards at both Bucky and Clint, rapid fire. They danced around them as Miranda yelled “Stop!!” again.

“Who are you?” Clint yelled, ready to pin Remy to the wall.

“Miranda know him!” Bucky shouted. “She told me not to kill him, so you don’t get to either.”

“Honest to god,” Miranda growled as everyone quit firing projectiles. “If one more thing leaves any of your hands, I will get off this couch.” Remy bared his teeth.

“An’ do what?” He said sarcastically. “Lick me to death?” Clint pulled a face.

“Aw, Miranda,” He said, rubbing the back of his neck. “That’s more than I needed to know. I’ll radio Cap and Tony.” He left as Miranda was babbling that he didn’t understand.

“Great. Thanks, Gumbo,” She grumbled. Remy started at Logan’s nickname for him and Miranda grimaced. “Sorry.”

“You know a lot of things, don’ you?” He asked quietly. Miranda nodded, frowning.

“If you want, I can try and help you.” She responded, becoming serious. “If you tell me what’s happening around you right now,” She offered. He grinned and shook his head.

“Bad things happen when a man tries to control his future, cher.” He said, crossing his arms and leaning on the wall. “The only thing I know is that nobody makes it out alive.” Miranda nodded, pensive.

“Are you sure?” He nodded once, curtly. “I am almost nosy enough to want to know for my own reasons.” Gambit shrugged.

“What, am I in these comics a lot?” Miranda grimaced.

“You could say that. All I have to say is that I think Stan Lee met a Cajun he didn’t like.” Remy belly laughed once.

“Oui, that sounds about right.” Miranda wanted to warn him about literally anything, due to the train wreck that was coming his way. She chewed on her lip.

“Faites attention, mon ami.” She said quietly. “Mauvais temps sont venir,” Remy squinted at her using French, but nodded. “You know where to find me if you need me.” He understood that she was dismissing him before the others got there and made his way out of the back door, post-haste.

“What the hell was that?” Bucky asked her. “He kidnapped you, and you told him to leave?”

“I’d kidnap me too, if I were him.” Bucky sighed and dropped onto the couch again.

“Let me guess. You know him like you know all of us.” She shook her head with a frown.

“No. Better.”

 

When Tony and Steve arrived, she got the fifth degree. Bucky could only do so much in the way of deflecting it and Tony was relentless. He had ripped off his face mask in defeat after realizing that something had to give.

“You let a crazed kidnapper loose on the streets of Hell’s Kitchen?” Miranda hiccuped at her current location, but decided that Matt Murdock could hold his own until she was released from the Inquisition.

“He wasn’t crazed,” She said, saltily.

“But he was still a kidnapper?” Tony said, pointing at her. He sounded like a lawyer. A bad one.

“Only a little bit,” She said.

“A little bit!” He yelled, spinning in a small circle. “How can you only be kidnapped a little bit?” Miranda pulled a face.  
“Alright, Tony, c’mon.” Clint said. “What was she going to do, hit him with her cast?” Miranda snorted at the idea but Tony glared.

“Why didn’t you do anything, Red Scare?” Miranda’s hackles rose.

“I told him not to-” She started.

“He isn’t a part of-” Steve said at the same time. Bucky looked between them.

“They were having a tender moment.” He said stiffly. On Tony’s forehead, a thin blue vein was becoming visible.

“A tender-?? Whatever. If he strikes again, it’s on you.” He pointed a finger at Miranda. “I’m not suiting up again about it.” Miranda sighed.

“I’m really grateful that you guys came to get me, but in this case, I knew him. I knew what he wanted from me. We’re probably going to be seeing him again.” She babbled. “He had a problem with me and my team, and I told him to shove it. But he’s a good guy. Really. I’d be the first to tell you who wasn’t.” Tony turned.

“That’s the thing. None of you guys have done a lot of telling. You told Fury some stuff, but then he tried to kill you. What is it that you people know that even Fury was afraid of?” Miranda stood and carefully walked over to him, trying not to fall over.

“He isn’t afraid of what we know. He is afraid of what he has done. I could say the same about you.” She growled. “Our next point of interest was you, Tony Stark.” She said, popping the ‘k’ and raising her chin. “We have to stop you from killing hundreds, if not thousands, of people.” Tony shrunk back.

“I wouldn’t kill anyone!” Miranda shook her head.

“That’s the thing.” He flinched at his words being used against him. “You didn’t do it on purpose. You know that fancy AI you’ve been thinking about for ages?” Tony furrowed his brow. “Don’t.”

“I-” He began. “How?” Miranda sighed and sat on the edge of the couch.

“It becomes sentient. Wipes out a lot of property here in New York. People get hurt. It’s not worth it.” Tony walked to the other side of the room, angry.

“Alright. Show’s over.” Clint said, clapping and looping an arm under Miranda’s. “Bruce is here with a car.”

 

 


	17. The Part With Avocados At Law

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How many fingers do the Casual Thieves have to be sticking in pies, anyway?

“I fucked up.” Miranda said quietly to Alexa, Leah, and Shelby. The hospital had released her, probably on the grounds that Bucky put multiple holes in the wall trying to get back into the room. “I should have told him to come talk to you guys or something.”

“He had to hear it one way or another,” Shelby said, biting into the pizza. Everyone was in the living room area of the apartment floor of the Tower. Thor had arrive shortly after they got Miranda and all of her stuff home. Tony stayed in the lab while they made merry.

“So tell me, SHIELD sisters,” They sighed in unison. Thor insisted on calling them and Natasha that and there was nothing the five of them could do about it. “In your homeland, are there any heroes as mighty as we?” They shrugged.

“I mean, there’s the same firemen and police and the like,” Alexa offered. Thor nodded slowly.

“But no SHIELD or Avengers?” He asked curiously. Miranda grinned as she realized she could legit hear Thor.

“Nah, man. I mean, we also don’t get attacked by aliens or supervillains so I guess it pans out.” Thor nodded slowly.

While Steve had brought the pizza, he decided to go back to his own apartment awhile ago. Clint was hovering in the kitchen. Natasha still hadn’t shown up after the quitting incident. Bruce sat on the other side of the living room and watched as Thor bombarded the girls with more questions about ‘their realm’. Thomas had been hired by Tony as head of security for the ‘stray children’ wing. He had been given the runaround all day from Happy and ate a slice and went to bed. It was pretty surreal, the whole way up until alarms started going off.

“What the hell?” Miranda said around the pizza. JARVIS must’ve started talking, because everyone looked up. Thor laughed and said something about a battle. Bruce set his pizza down and asked JARVIS something.

“We’re staying here, right?” Alexa asked.

“What’s happening?” Miranda asked her in return.

“JARVIS picked up some Hydra communications just now. They’re encrypted, but they’re being sent to an office building down the road.” Shelby said, grabbing a Starkpad from the coffee table. “Headquarters for an import and export company.” She reported. Thomas walked out of the hallway, on the phone and in his boxers and socks.

“I need two of ours at each of our entrances and at least a half decent shot on the roof. Not MacHuff, for god’s sake, he shot the target next to his.” There was a pause, in which Thomas glared a hole in the kitchenette. “I don’t care if it was a bulls-eye, if you send him I will throw him from the roof and you’ll follow him.” He growled and turned to the four girls as Clint snorted on his way to wherever they were going to talk to Steve. “I’m on strict orders to keep you guys under lock and key.” He stated, sighing.

“That’s a lot of guards,” Miranda said, frowning. “Are they expected to try and break into the Tower?” Thomas flopped onto the couch and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“No.” He groaned. “They’re to keep you fuckers in,”

Steve was on his way to the Tower. They suited up and met in the motorcycle bay just as Cap slid in with a vengeance. He was wearing jeans and a tee shirt, but he had his shield slung onto his back.

“Any word?” He asked Tony. Tony was not suited up.

“We still can’t crack it,” He started.

“Correction.” Shelby’s voice came over JARVIS’s system. “I called Skye. She’s a night owl. Pull it up now.”

“You’re listening?” Steve asked, incredulous. “How’d you do that?”

“We just asked JARVIS.” Tony started grumbling as Clint laughed once.

“Well, they’re right. They are talking about ‘cargo’. Care to find out what it is?” Steve nodded and started up his motorcycle.

“Thor, on me,” Steve said, pointing to Thor. “Hawkeye, I got ahold of Natasha. When she lands, meet us at the building. It should only be a few minutes.” Clint nodded solemnly. He had tried calling her, but he got no response. “Tony, suit up and check out the docks. See if they’re coming by land or by sea.” Tony snorted at the reference but moved on to his gear.

“We’ll have Thomas chill on his roof security,” Alexa chimed in. “Don’t want somebody shooting at Natasha,”

“He has roof security? Who gave him that clearance?” Tony said incredulously.

“Yes. I have roof security.” Thomas said drily. “I don’t feel the urge to be responsible if one of these lunatics escapes.”

In Thomas’s credit, he did try.

“Guys, stop,” He said, standing in front of the door. Miranda had crutches and her bow and backpack slung on her back. She laughed at him.

“Either you put some clothes on and come with us, or you sit here in your boxers.” He glared and decided that if they were going to get murdered, he might as well go too. Tony will kill him when he finds out, so it’s death either way. “Besides, who sleeps in socks?”

“Really tired people.” He growled as he headed down the hallway.

“Does that require a witty comeback?” Miranda asked. “This whole fucked eardrum thing is really messing with my banter,” Alexa chuckled.

“You could probably let him off the hook this once,”

“Where are we headed, anyway?” Shelby asked. “And who’s taking us?”

“I mean, I’ll drive.” Miranda said, grinning.

“No,” Shelby said immediately. “If anybody is driving, it’ll be Thomas,” Miranda shrugged. She didn’t wanna be responsible for one of Tony’s cars, anyway.

“What are we taking?” Leah asked. Miranda laughed.

“Tony has like a million cars,” Alexa’s eyes widened.

“Is that a good idea?”

“No.” Miranda responded. “I mean, unless you wanna walk to the docks,”

“Why the docks?” Thomas asked, in the clothes he was in earlier that day and strapping on his gun.

“That’s where the action is going to be, probably.” Miranda said. “I mean, it’s a win-win. If there’s no action, we can just come back and no one will know better. If there’s action, there’s action and we get to be a part of it. Win-win!” She said, heading toward the door.

“What if we get shot?” Alexa said drily. “Is that a win?”

“It’s actually not as bad as everybody says,” Thomas said with a wry grin.

“You know they’re already on their way out, right?” Natasha said as she and Clint took off.

“What, where?” Clint said, as he was trying to take off. Natasha set him with a level glare when the jet tilted to one side. “How’d you know that?”

“I just watched a redhead on crutches slide into the window of a black sedan,” She said drily.

“Shit, is somebody with her?” Natasha nodded.

“I think Thomas was there. Meaning somebody with short, dark hair. Probably Thomas.” She said. Clint nodded.

“Well, at least Thomas is there. We’ll see what’s going on when we join the others.”

They parked as far away from the docks as they could and still make it there before the action happened.

“There’s no way to crutch quietly,” Miranda griped.

“It’s even less quiet when you bitch about it,” Leah replied. Miranda grimaced and shut up. Eventually, they heard voices.

“So, you be quiet, I let you have a bucket.” Shelby’s head snapped to Alexa. Alexa grabbed Shelby by the shoulders.

“This place looks familiar,” Miranda hissed, ahead of the crew. Alexa mashed her hand into Miranda’s mouth and put a finger to her lips. Miranda struggled for a second, then stopped.

“What?” She mouthed.

“I think we’re in Hell’s Kitchen,” Alexa said. Miranda’s eyes got wide with excitement.

“I could have told you that,” Thomas groused.

“Thanks, Tommy, the friendly neighborhood bodyguard,” Miranda shot back.

“What makes you think I’m friendly?” Thomas asked her lowly.

“Shut up,” Shelby said, flapping her arms at them and inching to peek around a shipping container. “We have a prime seat to watch the action,” She stated. Everyone shuffled around to get a better look. The Russian thugs and Turk were just starting to try and jam the girls in the crate.

“Look, there he is,” Miranda hissed.

“Who? Where?” Thomas replied.

“Daredevil. On top of the crate.” Alexa replied, then put a finger over her lips. The fight with the Russians was over in what seemed like seconds. That’s when Turk started to try and shoot at Matt.

“Should I? We could end this so much faster.” Miranda said, motioning to her bow.

“No. We know he gets out alright,” Shelby responded. This part of the fight seemed to take nine years. He was toying with Turk for ages until he got the drop on him. Then, instead of beating the snot out of Turk, he knocked him out with his own pistol and started to walk towards them.

“Oh, shit.” Thomas said, drawing his own gun.

“Put it down, you meathead. He’s on our side.” Miranda said, waving her hand at him. The man eating his sandwich stood and began to dial a number on his cell phone. She immediately drew and arrow and shot the cell phone into the water, causing the sandwich man to stumble and fall backwards, following his phone.

“Oh my god, sweet!” Alexa said, handing Miranda back her crutches. Matt was standing slightly to the right of them, with his head cocked.

“Who are you people, and why are you here?” Matt asked, taking another step closer.

“I ask that question myself, all the time,” Thomas grumbled. Matt cracked a small smile.

“I’m sure you heard me earlier today,” Miranda surmised. Matt nodded, crossing his arms.

“Yeah. How do you get kidnapped ‘a little bit’?” Miranda waved a hand at his question and snorted.

“You know what, that’s not even relevant,” She said, chuckling. “Listen, what is relevant is that the four of us girls know a lot about you. We’re not from this universe, and there is a shitton of trouble headed your way. You make most of it yourself.” Shelby snorted. “But what I’m saying is we can help you. A lot of pain can be avoided if we do.” Matt nodded.

“What kind of trouble?” He leaned against the shipping container he was nearest.

“Tomorrow, you and Foggy with get your first client. Karen Page.” He started at Foggy’s name. “Take her. Tell her you a birdie told you she still has the file, when the time is right. Be careful. She signed a nondisclosure agreement.” Miranda said, looking at Shelby and Alexa.

“And Union Allied is trying to kill her.” Alexa chimed in.

“And by association, the whole crime ring in Hell’s Kitchen.” Shelby finished.

“We’ll get to that.” Miranda said, waving a hand at him.

“I, uh. I didn’t watch this show.” Leah said, shrugging. Matt nodded slowly.

“How do I get ahold of you?” He asked seriously. “If everything you just said happens, I want to know where to find you.”

“You know Stark tower?” Miranda said cockily.

“He can’t miss it.” Thomas said shaking his head. The girls shared a conspirational look.

“Go to the front desk and ask for Miranda, Leah, Shelby, and Alexa.” Shelby said. “We’ll be there.” Matt stood quickly.

“Sorry, gotta run.” He said, turning away. “I’ll be seeing you around.”

“Where the hell is he headed?” Miranda asked, turning to everybody.

“Oh, shit. Incoming Iron Man,” Shelby said, pointing.

“How’d he know Tony was coming?” Thomas asked, scratching the back of his head.

“He’s a superhero,” Alexa scoffed. “You think we can hide in time?”

“Probably not,” Shelby said, sighing. “Might as well explain ourselves while we have the chance.” Tony landed, and quickly became hell on thrusters.

“Did you do this?” Miranda quickly realized that face masks were her enemy. “What are you doing here? What did I hire you for?” He gestured to Thomas. Thomas spluttered.

“What would you rather, me come with them or them be out there by themselves?” He said, shrugging. “They were going to get out anyway.” Tony stared at him for a moment then waved a hand at him.

“Whatever. Did you three do this?” He gestured to the unconscious pile of thugs.

“Three?” Thomas asked.

“You didn’t do that, and she’s on crutches.” Alexa snorted.

“Don’t think that’d stop her,” Everyone turned towards the bay.

“Oh, shit.” Miranda said, giggling. “The sandwich guy,” Tony flew over to where he was splashing pathetically in the bay.

“Who did this?” He grabbed the guy by the armpits and dropped him back on the dock. He quickly scrambled behind some shipping crates and out of sight. Tony saw something and dipped into the bay. “Really?” He held up an arrow.

“Aw, thanks! I love that one,” Miranda made grabby hands at it.

“I stand corrected. Get back to the mansion. We’ll have a talk when we get back.” He shooed them towards where JARVIS was telling him the car was. They started to wander back, and as they reached the car, Miranda leaned into Shelby.

“So what the hell is happening?” Shelby stared at her for a second.

“Oh, yeah, holy shit. You’re deaf,” She said, frowning. “Tony thought we knocked all of those guys out. He didn’t think you’d do anything cos you’re on crutches. Which is actually funny, because you’re the only one out of us that did anything.” Miranda nodded.

“That’s fair.”

**  
  
**

“So you guys are telling me that there’s a masked vigilante and we’re supposed to just let him do him?” Tony asked, leaning onto the breakfast bar. “And you teenage delinquents snuck out and did things without us.” He said, sweeping his coffee cup at all of them.

“First off, not teenagers.” Miranda said, raising her hands. “Second off, yes. You were a vigilante once, too.” Tony opened his mouth to say something, then nodded.

“You know what, you’re right.” He took a swig of coffee. “If he gets murdered in the process, then so what.” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“Actually, no. We’re probs going to help him.” She quipped. He glared at her over his cup.

“Why? Why do you have to help everyone?” Miranda crossed her arms at him.

“Because, everything here is such a fucking tragedy.” She spat.

“Hey now,” Steve muttered, walking through the kitchen. Miranda snorted.

“Sorry, Captain Boy Scout.” He shot her a look but smiled.

“I think it’s good that you guys are trying.” He said, cracking open a bottle of water. “You guys just have to understand that some things are bigger than the four of you.”

“If that was a short joke,” Alexa threatened from the living room. Steve chuckled.

“No, that wasn’t a short joke.” He leaned against the counter. “Seriously, you guys have to tell us this stuff. What if those Russian thugs would have seen you guys? They were selling girls into god-knows-what,” Leah sat next to Miranda with a box of Cheez-its.

“Then they would pay you guys to take us back.” Miranda laughed and stole some of her snack.

“Yeah, I brought grenades.” Steve spat out some of his water in a spit-take.

“You have grenades?” He asked.

“I knew it,” Tony said with verve.

“Who doesn’t have grenades?” Miranda asked, crunching on some more Cheez-its.

“Where did you get them?” Steve asked, wiping down his shirt grumpily.

“Uh, the internet,” Miranda fielded. Tony got a far away look in his eyes.

“I had to dispute some charges on my card a little while ago,” He said quietly. Leah shot Miranda some side eye and left with the Cheez-its.

“I thought you knew she lifted your card,” Clint said, holding some ice on his head.

“You motherfucker,” Miranda said, tossing the remaining Cheez-its at him.

“No using my card to purchase black market goods!” Tony said, throwing his hands in the air. “That is one sentence I never, ever thought I would have to say!”

“I will make your entrails your extrails,” Miranda hissed. Steve grinned at her.

“I got that reference,”

**  
  
**

Matt and Foggy were setting up their offices, chatting every once in awhile. They didn’t have a lot of stuff, but just setting things around and moving them and placing them elsewhere felt good. Like they were marking their territory. After a few minutes, Foggy’s phone rang.

“Homicide,” It was Brett. “Female suspect found at the scene. Definately qualifies as interesting.” Foggy paced closer to his desk.

“She been charged yet?”

“Assistant DA hasn’t made the call yet.”

“You got a name on the suspect?” Matt came to the doorway between their offices.

“Page. Karen Page.” He started and gasped, but coughed to cover it up. Foggy shot him a weird look as he and Brett hung up.

“We’ve got a client?” He asked.

“Yeah. That was Brett. You probably already know that with your voodoo magic.” Matt cracked a smile.

“You know, I met these four girls last night.” Foggy glared at him.

“So it wasn’t the paralegal,” He said, opening the door to the office. “Were they attractive and have questionable morals?”

“Absolutely.” Foggy made a disgusted noise.

“That’s the last straw, Matt. I’m going to start calling dibs.”

**  
  
**

Matt strolled into the lobby of the Avengers tower. Almost immediately, a young woman came over to him and asked if he needed some help. He nodded and asked for Miranda, Leah, Alexa and Shelby. The woman made a small pause and said that she’d “look into it” and directed him toward some couches.

“Matt’s downstairs,” Shelby announced. “The stone cold bitch at the front desk called security on him.” Miranda groaned and rapidly crutched to the elevator.

“Come on. We’ve gotta go save him,” The girls piled into the elevator and rushed to the lobby where Matt was just about to get accosted by some guards.

“Whoa, hey, wait!” Alexa cried.

“Hold on to your horses, Igor and Igor,” Miranda said sarcastically. None of the guards were friends with her. “He’s with us.”

“Great,” the one on the left said. “More freaks.” Miranda grinned at him and Shelby grabbed onto her shirt.

“No, no, no, no, no,” She said rapidly.

“What’s she gonna do?” The one on the left said as he crossed his arms.

“Listen, man, this is not a game you wanna play,” Alexa said, trying to lead everybody upstairs.

“Do you guys have the clearance to take him up?” The one on the right said tiredly. He actually wasn’t so bad. The other guy had his apartment trashed during the Battle of New York and hated everybody in the Tower by default. They just paid him well and had benefits, so he stuck around.

“Yeah.” Leah said. “He’s fine.”

“Alright. Get everybody out of here,” The rest of them were halfway to the elevator.

“That was pleasant.” Matt said once they were on the elevator.

“Yeah. Miranda makes friends wherever she goes.” Leah said sarcastically. Miranda laughed.

“C’mon, he’s been a dick since day one.”

“It is day one.” Shelby drawled.

“Well he was a dick yesterday,” Miranda shot back.

“You called him Igor.” Alexa replied.

“He looks like an Igor!” Miranda objected.

“He most certainly does not,” Leah said, shaking her head.

“I’m with her.” Matt said, grinning as the doors opened.

“Ah, shaddup,” Miranda growled, not having a comeback for that. “You motherfuckers ganged up on me.” They went into the living room, which was surprisingly empty.

“Wonder where everybody went.” Shelby said.

“Thor didn’t go home yet, did he?” Miranda asked.

“This bodes well,” Alexa quipped as she sat on a couch.

“Want something to drink or eat?” Leah asked as Matt pulled up some cushion.

“I’m fine, thank you.” He leaned forward on his knees. “I just really need to know where you get your information.”

“Buckle up, man.” Miranda said, grinning and putting her foot on a disgruntled Shelby’s lap. “This is gonna be a bumpy ride.”

“We suspect that there’s Hydra bases here, here, and here.” Steve gestured to places on the map. “We can hit them all together or split up.” He started, then looked around the room suspiciously. “Where’s Bucky?” Tony, Natasha, Clint, and Bruce all looked at each other.

“We haven’t been keeping track, man.” Clint said, shrugging. “I figured he was stuck to Miranda and friends like glue.” Steve shook his head.

“He said something about an errand he had to run after we got the girls here last night, but I don’t remember talking to him after that.”

“Well, that’s great.” Tony said. “We lost a brainwashed super soldier in the streets of New York City.”

“He’s a grown man.” Natasha said, sticking out her chin. “He can come and go as he pleases.”

“While I agree,” Bruce began. “I think New York has changed quite a bit since the last time he was on the town.”

“The Tower has our name on it,” Clint said wryly. “I think he’ll find his way home.”

“Can’t you just call him?” Tony asked Steve exasperatedly. Steve nodded and pulled out his phone. “There we go. We’re in the 20th century here at Stark Industries.” He said sarcastically as Steve dialed his number with a glare. It went to voicemail.

“Hey, Buck.” Steve started. “We were wondering where you were at. Let us know when you get this. Talk to you later. Bye.” He hung up with a frown.

“He’ll be fine,” Clint said, waving a hand.

If we’re being particular, Bucky was, in fact, fine. Fine tuning his rifle that he lifted from a hunting store wearing a hoodie and gloves he lifted from Wal-Mart. He was at a nearby rifle range that he snuck onto. It was closed, being midnight and all. The rifle itself was in all honesty a piece of shit, but it just had to hold out until he could take some things from the first Hydra base he found. He didn’t like remembering a lot from before SHIELD picked him up, but some things were proving useful. He wasn’t sure why or how, but he knew where loads of bases were. He assumed it was for ease of collection when he finished a mission. A cold hand gripped low in his stomach at the thought. He shook it off and loaded another round into the gun.

When the girls had finished round robining Matt to death, he leaned back into the cushions on the couch.

“If you are who you say you are, you’ll know that I have reason to not believe you.” He said levelly. Miranda expected this.

“Seeing as we are who we say we are, we can play a game. Ask us anything.” Shelby hissed and smacked at her arm.

“Uh, Fred?” She said. Giving her a warning look.

“What’s it going to hurt?” She said shrugging. Shelby glared at her. “C’mon, man. Shoot.”

“What’s something only we would know? If you are who you say you are.” He asked wryly. Miranda looked at Shelby and grinned.

“The ice cream wrapper bracelet.” Shelby said. Miranda stopped grinning, as that was not what she was going for. “You and Stick went to get ice cream the day he came for you, and when you gave him the bracelet he left.” Matt raised his eyebrows and nodded.

“I haven’t told anyone that.” Miranda grumbled.

“I was going to go for something lighthearted, like Avocados at Law.” She said, leaning back. Alexa cackled as Matt cracked a smile. “Always go for the pain and suffering, Shelby. That’ll get ‘em.”

“Hi, guys.” Steve said as they came out of Tony’s lab.

“Guys, this is Matt. Matt, this is guys,” Miranda said flippantly. “What were you doing in there?” Leah tutted at her introduction but also looked intrigued as to what they were doing.

“Um, who is Matt, again?” Tony asked, looking from Casual Thief to Casual Thief.

“Matt’s our friend,” Alexa chirped.

“You have friends?” Tony said, incredulously. Matt barked a laugh and shook his head. “Even he’s not in on the joke. What’s going on here?”

“Don’t act so surprised, King of the Nerds.” Miranda said wryly.

“I should probably head out, anyway.” Matt said, standing. “Some people work in the mornings.” Miranda laughed as the four of them stood to follow him downstairs.

“And the afternoons. And the evenings. And mostly at night.” He chuckled as the elevator doors closed.

“What are you actually going to tell them about me?” The girls looked uncomfortably at one another.

“We could always be super vague and sidestep every question they ask.” Miranda offered. Matt raised his eyebrows. “Don’t give me that look.”

“What look?”

“The one that says, ‘I’m a lawyer and I know better than you’.” He shook his head. “C’mon, man, you’re the one people hire to argue for them. You give us an idea. You don’t want your super secret identity out in the open, we don’t want to deal with Bucket Head and Friends judging us.”

“We could say you’re a potential bad guy that we straightened out. Make both of our street cred higher.” Alexa offered. The elevator doors opened.

“Listen, you do what you have to do.” He said, backing out. “And stay away from Hell’s Kitchen.” He said, pointing the end of his cane at Miranda.

“Why specifically me?” She said, raising her hand. Matt pulled a face at her.

“I already considered saving you from a kidnapping once. You seem to be the troublemaker.” Miranda growled and leaned forward on her crutches. He would know if she lied to him.

“How are we supposed to get ahold of you, anyway?” Shelby asked. “Tie Fred up and drop her on a street corner in the Kitchen?” Matt laughed and shook his head as Miranda looked utterly taken aback.

“I’ll give you my number.” Shelby pulled out her phone and relayed the info.

“Is this the saucy burner phone number or the real phone number?” Miranda asked.

“The burner phone. I’m not stupid.” He said, grinning. “I actually do have to go. As per your advice, we took Karen as a client. She and Foggy are at my place. I said I’d pick up some pizza.”

 


	18. The One With the Telepath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In all honesty, this chapter is just one train wreck after another.

“Okay, I get that you calling all of the guards ‘Igor’ is funny, I really do.” Tony said, pressing his palms together in front of him. “But bringing up somebody who doesn’t have clearances is not funny.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be funny. That was important. We could have stopped a huge supervillain thing just now.” Miranda said, spreading her hands and selling it. “Man, in the Marvel universe - ahem - here, everything is connected. He’s connected to all kinds of crap that’s eventually going to get on your-” She pointed to Steve. “Nerves something fierce. Let us do us as much as we can behind the scenes, and you guys can keep on superheroing in the spotlight. We’re the Wizards, you’re the whole damn Emerald City.” Steve said something and she switched to staring at him.

“I said, what gets on my nerves?” Miranda laughed.

“Man, at one point, everything. I personally think it’s the stress of doing the whole Captain America thing for so long. We can help you out, if you let us.” Steve pulled a face.

“What do you mean, everything?”

“Dude, you’re a spaz after a while. You yell at pretty much every member of this team, plus like 20 more for like a 45 issue run. I mean, Clint deserved it,” Clint interjected and Natasha snorted. “But there’s a reason he calls you Boy Scout.” Clint laughed and looked at Steve, jeering something. Steve muttered something back at him, and Miranda became impatient. “What I’m saying is, none of you have to carry the whole world by yourselves. You’re a team, and we’re a team, and we can work together.” Her phone buzzed from her pocket.

“I mean, nice pep talk and all.” Bruce started. “But I get the feeling that you guys know a lot more than you let on, and that makes me nervous.” He said, crossing his arms.

“What do you want to know? It is too long and complicated to just sit down and tell it to you like a bedtime story-” Shelby grabbed her arm.

“What about a movie?”

 

“This is it, guys. Our precious. Well, Phase 1 of our precious.” Alexa said, slowly setting the box on the coffee table.  Miranda puttered around on her phone. She had gotten a really cryptic text from Robo-Cop himself, and was rather nervous about sharing with the class.

“So this is it, eh? The whole thing.” Steve said, eyeing the box.

“Hell no,” Shelby said, scoffing. “Movies are slated to come out well into our geriatric years,”

“Just so you’re aware, some of this is irrelevant now that we exploited Hydra,” Miranda said, holding her hands up. “And some of this is in the future. Some of this is really sad. Seeing as we’re going in chronological order, you’re up, Steve.” Steve clenched and unclenched his jaw. “You gonna be cool with this?” Steve nodded. “No you aren’t. We can’t watch a movie without Junior Mints,” She stood and hopped to the drawer in the kitchen that she had claimed for junk food. Steve smiled and looked at Alexa, Leah and Shelby.

“Is she always so pushy?” Alexa laughed.

“This isn’t half of it.” When Miranda slapped a box of Junior Mints into Steve’s chest, they started the movie. People were scattered out on couches, and Miranda had thudded her plastered foot onto Clint’s lap. By the end, everyone was looking uncomfortably at Steve who had his head in his hands. Natasha rubbed small circles in his back.

“Sorry to say, that’s not even the sad part.” Miranda whispered. “Eat your Junior Mints,” She said, getting up. Her phone had been buzzing back and forth through the whole movie. Clint had snuck a few glances at it, and looked three times as grim as she did.

“Where are you headed?” He asked. Miranda grabbed a crutch, almost as an afterthought.

“Uh, bathroom break?” She said, texting some more. He squinted at her. Everyone grumbled for her to hurry up, so they could move on. Cap was breathing evenly. “You guys can move on without me. I’ve seen this.” Her  phone started buzzing out of control. She started hobbling down to the bathroom as quickly as she could without landing on her ass. If she got the stupid cast off yesterday it would be too late.

“Miranda?” Bucky said as she answered the phone. She shut the door as she hissed at him.

“I’m here. I had to get out of hearing range of everybody else. Volume’s super fucking loud. Where did you go? I don’t know about everybody else, but we’re pretty nervous about you up and disappearing.”

“That’s what I’m calling about.” He sighed. She assumed he was futzing with his hair. “I, uh, I remember where the Hydra bases are.” Miranda waited for the other shoe to drop. “And I’m getting ready to go to one, in the flesh. I figured, I dunno.” He trailed off.

“Are you armed?” She asked levelly.

“Yes. I stole a half-decent hunting rifle.”

“If it’s half-decent, that means it’s also half-shit,” She snorted.

“It might be more than half shit,” He grumbled.

“Do you need help?” She asked. He didn’t answer for awhile.

“No. I need to do this.” She chewed on her lip, and once she hit tenderness, she moved to her nails.

“You don’t have to prove anything.” She finally said. “We know you’re one of us. One of the good guys.” He sighed deeply.

“That’s not what this is about.” Miranda waited, but he never explained.

“Listen, I really don’t want you going in alone.” Most of her fingernails were nubs.

“What are you going to do?” He asked, softly incredulous. “If you tell the rest of the team, they’ll assume I’ve finally snapped. I’ve heard what Tony says to Pepper. They don’t really want me at the Tower. Insurance reasons.” He scoffed. Heat climbed its way up from Miranda’s stomach.

“If he wants to see insurance reasons,” She said angrily.

“No,” Bucky said sharply. There was a pause and he was definitely futzing with his hair. She’d sit on him and cut it off yet. “Sorry. Don’t fight with people. He’s right.” Miranda started in on her cuticles. He’d have her chewing off her fingers next.

“What are you going to do? What’s your plan?” She asked quietly.

“If I can take down the guards outside of this one, I’ll be able to get inside. Then I go in and take care of the fifteen or so people inside and wipe their system. Shouldn’t be too bad,” He said tautly. Miranda looked dubiously at her finger before she jammed her hands in her pockets.

“You know, I kinda want to know what your ‘too bad’ is.” She stated. He laughed humorlessly once. “Where are you? I swear, I could be there,”

“And what? Hit ‘em with your crutches?” He snorted. Miranda growled.

“Hey, I’m a great shot. I’ll have your back.” He stayed quiet.

“How are you getting here?” He finally said, almost sounding hopeful. She wracked her brain. No way was she driving with a leg cast. That’s how you get a full body cast. She turned and leaned on the sink and almost screamed.

“I think she’s got some frequent flyer miles.” Clint said as he leaned on the doorway.

“What the fuck,” She said as he grinned. “How long were you standing there?”

“Since you threatened to be an insurance liability,” He said quietly.

“Nobody else heard, did they?” Clint shook his head, and made grabby hands at the phone. He took it, and turned down the volume immediately. Clint, in the dirtiest move of the century, turned his back on Miranda. “Hey, now, that’s just rude.” Clint held up a hand. When he was done talking on her phone, he turned and gave it back to her.

“I’d love to have you as backup,” Bucky said. “But you have to listen to everything me and Clint say. No excuses.” Miranda nodded and squinted at Clint, suspicious. She crossed her fingers behind her back.

“Absolutely.”

 

“You are never, ever in charge of the excuses anymore.” Clint said angrily. “Pizza. Out of all the things, you say pizza.” He flipped switches in the Quinjet. “Gotta go meet up with your friend Matt and play snooker,” Miranda gave him a strange look. What the hell is snooker? “Now they’re going to think we died after fifteen minutes.”

“I panicked,” She explained. “Steve was giving me the eyes,”

“Never let Steve give you the eyes!” Clint hissed, taking off. “You gotta stare him down right back,”

“Dude, chill.” She said, leaning back in her seat and putting her plastered foot on the console. “They’re not going to suspect a thing.”

 

“We aren’t getting any pizza, are we?” Bruce asked, frowning. Alexa, Leah and Shelby shook their heads. “Why are they going to Poughkeepsie for pizza, anyway? There’s a place around the corner,” Alexa frowned and looked at Shelby and Leah.

“That’s, uh. That’s code. For when things get really, really bad.” Bruce nodded with a furrowed brow. “She told us to stay here, and she wouldn’t play that card unless it was the worst thing ever.”

“And she didn’t tell you where she and Barton were going?” They all shook their heads. “Do I have to sit on this information?” They all nodded. “Just so you’re aware, I’m throwing you under the bus if Tony finds out before they get back.”

“Why’s the Quinjet gone?” Bruce smacked his face.

 

“You stay here.” Bucky said, pointing to the ground.

“Sit. Stay. Speak.” She grumbled. getting into a good position for the rifle. Clint chuckled.

“We’ll be-” He groaned and stuck a boot into her hip. “We’ll come back.” She glared at him. They crept down the hill and took out the two men standing outside. A man crept around the corner, and neither Bucky nor Clint turned to take him out. She sighed heavily and took the shot. They turned at the sound, then Clint signed GOING IN. She sighed again. There were only two windows, and none of them offered any kind of view into the actual lair. She waited five minutes, counting sixty seconds. She began getting impatient and she started scanning the still-dark windows. She saw movement in the upper window. It was just a quick flash; it could have been any one of these mooks in dark clothes. Her answer was given another sixty-five seconds later. The whole warehouse went up in an explosion. Her eyebrows were most definitely scorched.

“Guys?” She shouted. There was no sign that they heard her, or could act. “Oh, shit, oh shit” She stood and shouldered the rifle, completely leaving her crutches. Doc was going to kill her. She went in the front door of the warehouse. “Bucky? Clint?” She shouted. Fire was all around her and she felt queasy. Why were Hydra bases so flammable? Clint appeared on the upper balcony and said something, pointing behind her. She whipped around, face to face with a Hydra agent and his gun. She pushed the gun up and hit him in the sternum with the butt of her rifle.

“What’s the matter?” He asked her, from what seemed like all around. His mouth wasn’t moving. “Afraid of a little pain?” A blinding jag of ice streaked through her head and she dropped to her knees. He put the gun to her forehead. Her throat clenched up. She was not ready yet. The pain flashed through her head again and she retched as a silver arm grabbed the man by the throat and lifted him off his feet.

“Stop!” Bucky shouted. “Whatever you’re doing, stop!”

“Why, isn’t it the prodigal asset?” The man said, voice echoing. Miranda reeled as hands took her by the waist. Hydra, SHIELD, literal Nazis, she didn’t care. “Hail Hydra,” She heard the gunshot as the man’s voice rattled around in her aching head. She looked back to see Bucky holding a gun with a clenched jaw. He dropped the man and looked at her. She blacked out.

  
  


“Telepath.” She spat. “He was climbing around in my brain. I feel dirty.” Bucky and Clint both gave her a solid look. “Not that I have to explain that to you.”

“We told you to stay.” Bucky said from a seat next to her. His organic arm had been burned relatively badly and his hair had been singed. Miranda had immediately said he needed a haircut when she came to.

“You guys got blown up, and it wasn’t like I could use a comm unit to see if you were okay.” She protested. Clint nodded.

“That’s a fair point.”

“No it’s not,” Bucky said. “You don’t have super soldier healing, you don’t have training. You are still walking off the last time you got too cocky, you punk!” He said, throwing his hands in the air. He hissed at the burns on his arm.

“Now who’s too cocky,” Miranda grumbled. Bucky looked significantly more intimidating with his eyeblack on when he glared. She still stuck her chin out for effect.

“If you two glare any harder at each other, you will catch fire.” Clint warned. “Speaking of walking it off, how’s the bum leg?” Miranda shrugged.

“It actually doesn’t hurt. Adrenaline’s a hell of a drug,” She slid down in her chair. “We’ll see how it is when we get home.”

“Home? No way. We’re taking you back to the hospital.” Bucky said. Miranda glared at him.

“No way in hell! You tore down a whole wall. They’re liable to be pissed!” She groaned. “Everybody is going to be pissed. They’re probably not going to let you stay, which is going to drive me insane, and if Remy is still keeping his cover there he’s probably going to feed me arsenic out of spite!”

“Nobody is going to feed you arsenic out of spite, and I’m pretty sure you’d survive out of spite if they did!” Bucky shot back.

“Fine, you know what, next time you assholes get yourself blown up, I’ll just sit around and twiddle my thumbs because I’m too stupid and fragile to do something useful!” She yelled back. They were standing, and neither of them remembered doing so. Clint was awkwardly flying the plane.

“That’s not what I said!” Bucky growled. “Dammit, you’re just too young to get tied up in all of this. There’s no reason why you four can’t lounge around the Tower, eat all of Tony’s food, and wait for somebody to figure out how to send you home.”

“That’s a negative, Ghost Rider,” Miranda drawled. “You do realise that my friends and I would be running a crime ring if we were home, right?” He looked taken aback for a second, but shrugged. “While we’re here, we’re doing good things. Like murdering Hydra. And awful Russian bros. When we go home, we’ve got some of the biggest contracts in the country on some crazy shit. I was going to see if we could get into arms.” He raised an eyebrow at her and Clint put the plane on autopilot so that he could better glare at her. “It’s where the money is. We’re good at what we do, Bucky. It just so happens we could be good at this, too.”

“Why don’t you go and do whatever this is back home?” Miranda shrugged.

“Bullets are bullets. It doesn’t matter who’s shooting them.” He sat back down.

“You guys didn’t sign up for this. You were dragged into it.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Hey. This is me. Signing up for this.” She said, poking at his leg. Clint snorted. “I’m sure the other guys will too, if you asked them. I’m not afraid of whatever this is. I’m having the time of my life.” He rolled his eyes at her.

“I dunno, I like explosions too,” Clint chimed in. “We can’t just ship them off to the world here. It’d be cruel, and they know too much to just let them loose. We did try to have them be agents at SHIELD. What’s so different about being Avengers? It’s actually quite a bit cushier, I’d say,” Clint said, scratching his neck. Miranda pointed at him and nodded.

“Quit it! I’m trying to make some responsible decisions here.” Bucky said mock-grumpily.

“For somebody that isn’t Captain America, you sure sound like Captain America.” Clint said. Miranda snorted.

“You don’t know the half of it.” Bucky raised an eyebrow at her.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked. Miranda realised that her mouth was moving faster than her brain, and now the wheels were coming off the cart.

“You’ve got a bright future, my man. You could say, star-spangled.” She said, waggling her eyebrows. “Tell no one. Don’t even tell Alexa, Leah or Shelby. They’ll fong me to death.”

“Are you shitting me,” Clint whispered with an incredulous look. Bucky looked like he’d been hit with a train.

“I told you guys. Loads of shit.” Miranda said, shrugging and leaning back. “So you’re aware, that was an accident.” She said, looking back and forth.

“What else can you tell us?” Clint asked, looking curious. “What’s my future look like, oh fortune teller?” Miranda pulled a face.

“Um. Ouch?” Miranda smiled ruefully. “It looks bad.”

“Aw, what?” He said, crossing his arms. “RoboCop gets Captain America and I get ouch? Where’s the justice in that?”

“I have no idea,” Bucky muttered, frowning.

“Hey, man. Don’t freak out,” Miranda said, holding up her hands. He glanced at her in such a manner that looked like he was, in fact, freaking out. Quietly. The kind of freak out you do on a flying tin can with super strength.

“Why does Steve give that to me, of all people?” Miranda made a face.

“You know, I don’t remember, let’s talk about Spider-Man,” She said quickly.

“Who? No, go back,” Clint said. “Why does he get to be Captain America?”

“Listen, man, if I tell you, everybody is going to preemptively freak the hell out for no reason.” She said, leaning forward in her seat. “If we end up going down the road where it actually happens, I will without a doubt, 100%, make a shit ton of noise. Deal?” Bucky fixed her with a stare for a minute, but eventually nodded.

“Deal.” There was quiet for a moment.

“So, ‘ouch’?”

 


	19. The One With the Goddamn Beer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As it happens when one hops universes, the timing doesn't quite match up between the two. It's enough to drive you to drink.

Clint sulked downstairs from the landing pad. Miranda and Bucky took the elevator.

“So, where’s that pizza, and why did you have to take the Quinjet to get it?” Tony chirped as soon as the doors opened.

“Uh, found Bucky? He’s got some stuff,” Miranda motioned to his burnt arm. 

“Buck?” Steve asked from the hallway. His face was a little red, and Miranda wondered if they had watched any Agent Carter. “I called you. Where were you?”

“Hydra base in New Mexico.” He said shortly. Miranda smacked her face.

“I’m assuming that’s where you and Barton went?” Steve said. Miranda nodded. “Why didn’t you guys ask us?” Miranda looked at Bucky. 

“This is your show now, Wonder Boy.” He glared at her. 

“I texted her so somebody knew where I was. Just in case.” He said tautly. “She insisted on coming and dragged Barton into it.”

“That’s not what happened at all, if I might interject,” Miranda said, crossing her arms. She realised she left the crutches in the woods, and that the bottom of her cast was soggy and muddy.

“What’s that about?” He pointed at it when he followed her gaze.

“I panicked because those two machismo freaks got blown up.” Bucky clenched his jaw and shot her a look. “Nobody is safe from the bus.” She shot back at him.

“Blown up?” Bruce said, rounding the corner. “Nobody said anything about getting blown up. Is everybody okay?”

“No. This one got char-broiled a bit and Clint has no eyebrows. Look real close.” Clint groaned from the kitchen. “That’s for the grenade ousting.” Steve pinched the bridge of his nose.

“That still doesn’t change the fact that we have to go to the hospital again.” Miranda held up her hands.

“We nothing. I’ll take a cab.” He gave her a weird look. “What else did you guys watch?” She asked, quieter. Steve frowned.

“Watch?” Bucky asked. 

“They have the movies about us. You’ll have to watch the one. You’re in it.” Steve said dully. “I’m watching the show about Peggy. You might like it, too. Reminds me of home.” Miranda frowned.

“I’ll go by myself.” She said, shuffling to her bedroom. Leah, Alexa and Shelby had gone to bed for the night, so she texted them about what happened as she sat on her bed. She changed out of the smoke filled clothes and into something clean and dry. There was a knock on her door.

“Bucky told me there was a telepath.” Steve said. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Never, ever again. I hate telepaths.” She said, quietly. “You good?” He thought about it for a second.

“I think so.” Miranda nodded.

“She’s crazy, Peggy.” She said with a grin. “Shelby loves her.” He nodded, grinning minutely and leaning against the doorframe.

“So do I,”

 

“Just swap out the cast and be done with it, Doc. I’m not staying a second longer than I have to.” Miranda drawled. 

“Trust me, we don’t want that either.” He said angrily. “We had to rebuild a whole room because of you,” She looked mock offended.

“Because of me? Blame the two dunderheads fighting over me!” He sighed and flipped through the chart. 

“Actually, we could just swap the cast for a boot, according to these xrays.” He said pensively. “It’s only been a few days, though. That can’t be right.” The last few words he said were drowned out by Miranda chanting GIVEMETHEBOOTGIVEMETHEBOOTGIVEMETHEBOOOOT.

“You’d have to wear it all day. No exceptions.” Miranda pulled a face.

“Sun-down day or 12 hour day?” She asked.

“Until bedtime day.” The doctor said with finality.

“That’s funny, my New Year’s resolution is to go to bed earlier,” She said, grinning.

“New Years is a month away.” He said flatly. Miranda got a gleam in her eye.

“Wait, when is it?” The doc raised an eyebrow. “Not New Years, what’s today’s date?” 

“It’s November 19th.” Miranda’s eyes widened and her lip trembled.

“I missed my birthday.” The doctor gave her a look.

“I’m, uh, I’m sorry. I’ll send a nurse over to take that cast off,” He said quickly. She crossed her arms and scowled. They hadn’t even bothered to check. Everybody would receive hell when they got home. A nurse came in and quickly lopped off the cast and handed her a walking boot, given the piss poor looks the poor guy had been getting the whole time. She didn’t even sign any paperwork. She got back in the cab and went home. The only person awake now was Bucky, sitting at the breakfast bar with a beer.

“Whoa. Who’d you have to kill to get that?” He said, grinning.

“I missed my birthday.” The grin fell from his face. 

“Aw. How old?” She sat next to him at the breakfast bar.

“21.” His eyes lit up and he pulled a beer from the fridge for her.

“Congrats!” She sighed.

“I’m 21 back home, anyway. It’s 2015 there.” He blinked a few times, still holding the beer. “Give that over, it still counts.”

“No, no. What would Captain America do?” He said mockingly. 

“I’d give her the beer.” Steve said from the hallway. “They took off the plaster already?” Miranda nodded while she made grabby hands at the beer.

“Yup. The doctor was really confused, but I’m not complaining.”

“What do you mean, he was confused?” Steve settled in across from them.

“He said the xrays looked like they were ready for a boot, but it hadn’t been long enough. Told you I was the Terminator.” She said, opening the beer. She was met with blank stares. “You guys don’t know the Terminator? Jesus, that’s the next movie we watch.” Steve frowned. 

“Speaking of movies,” He gestured to Bucky. “Are you going to watch the one that you’re in, or no?” Miranda frowned.

“There’s two with you in, so far.” Steve furrowed his brow at her. “Captain America: The First Avenger and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. That one is going to be one that you two get to watch by yourselves first.” She warned. “I cried in the theatre more than one time.” 

“You cried about us?” Bucky asked, incredulous. 

“Yeah. I just care a lot.” Miranda mumbled into her beer. Steve sighed.

“We can tell. Get some sleep. Both of you. You guys deserve it.”

 

“Our next goal is to take down as many Hydra bases as possible.” Steve declared the next morning after breakfast. Miranda raised an eyebrow at Alexa, Leah, and Shelby.

“What does this mean, storyline-wise?” She asked on the down low.

“No idea.” Alexa said. “We’re going to have to go with it.”

“It’ll be up to Bucky, Shelby, and Tony to locate all of the bases.” The girls looked at each other. “Clint, you’re with Miranda, Tony, you take Shelby, and I’ll take Alexa. Leah will be with Natasha and the Hulk.” Their eyes widened. “You girls listen to your partner. If I catch you crossing your fingers,” He looked at Miranda. “I will fly you back here myself and you will stay here and help Pepper file paperwork. Bucky can do, well, whatever Bucky wants to do.” Pepper looked incredibly pleased. Bucky nodded slowly.

“Where the hell is Thor?” Tony asked from inside his coffee cup.

“He left yesterday to tell Jane where he was headed. He’s meeting us at the first base.” Natasha answered.

“Thor usually does his own thing.” Steve explained.

“Not recently,” Shelby said, grinning. “You guys get really awesome as a team later on.”

“Duh.” Tony said. “We’re the Avengers.”


	20. The One Where We Kick Some Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trick arrows, man. Can't live without 'em.

The girls were told to pack small packs with their gear, and another small pack with street clothes.

“Bring like ten pairs of underwear.” Bucky advised. “I was always running out of underwear.”

“During the war or during Winter Soldier times?” Miranda asked, wrinkling her nose.

“Um, both. Probably both.” She laughed at him as she threw more underwear in her bag. “You laugh now. Try wearing the same underwear for three days while marching. You’ll only be able to laugh while crying.”

“Hey, man. I don’t march.” Miranda said, raising a hand.

“Then what do you do, smart guy?” He said, crossing his arms and leaning back on the bed. Miranda’s eye twitched. He had his boots on the bed.

“I stalk. I hold my core tight, shoulders down, and just think  _ murder, _ ” She quipped. When Bucky’s eyes widened, she realised that he knew none of the references she could dredge up. She could become the Machine. All of that power was in the palm of her hands when Clint walked by and laughed at her.

“You can’t stalk with a boot. You hobble.” Miranda bared her teeth at him. “Hey man, I’ve had my fair share of boots. This is coming from experience.” Bucky laughed and stood from the bed. “If we’re being honest, we’re not going to be doing a whole bunch of marching, you and I.” Bucky frowned at him and made a disgruntled noise. “We’re going to be on sniper duty until you can take the boot off.”

“If we’re being real, I can take the boot off now.” Miranda said. Clint narrowed his eyes at her.

“It’s been like seven minutes since you got the boot on.” Miranda shrugged.

“It doesn’t hurt.” She put a few tee shirts into her backpack. “Where are we headed first? What kind of clothes should I bring?” Clint thought for a minute.

“I think we’re sticking to East Coast, USA for awhile. Kinda like training wheels for you studs. Quit sidetracking me.” Miranda put two pairs of shorts and two pairs of jeans in her bag. “It doesn’t matter if it hurts or not, it’s still broken.”

“Yeah. You have to wear it until you go to bed.” Bucky chimed in. Miranda narrowed her eyes at him.   
“How’d you know that?” He grinned wolfishly.

“I asked Margery.” Miranda threw her hands in the air. 

“Dammit, Margery!” Clint laughed.

“Are you her emergency contact, Big Bro?” He said teasingly.

“Actually, no, that’s Shelby.” Bucky said, scratching the back of his head. “Margery didn’t think Shelby could get her to keep the boot on so she told me.” Alexa, who had been lurking in the hallway, laughed.

“You’d be surprised.” Clint shook his head.

“I don’t think so. Not any more.”

 

When they were loading into the Quinjet, there was an air of excitement that had never been there on any mission prior to this. Tony was talking Shelby’s ear off on how to use the onboard computer, Bucky nodding pensively as he paid attention and filed the information away for later. Steve was probing Alexa for what she used to do as a Casual Thief. 

“So, you specialized in extraction,” He conceded. She nodded, grinning. “Well, we’ll teach you some new things, and probably make use of the stuff you already know. Never hurts to have a couple of backup plans.” 

Natasha and Leah were talking animatedly about their favourite martial arts moves. Once everybody was in, they moved to the back and started sparring and showing each other their favourites. Leah managed to get Natasha off guard once. It was somewhere between awesome and terrifying to watch. 

Clint was flying the plane. He couldn't decide between giving Miranda hell about following the rules or starting the plane. Miranda eventually laughed and told him to give her the riot act after the bird was in the air. He took off with an attitude and then came back to sit with her. 

“You got everything?” He asked. Miranda nodded. 

“I hope so. It’s a smidge late now.” He sighed and made grabby hands at her pack. She squinted her eyes at him suspiciously. 

“C’mon, unless you have an itemized list of your shit, let me check.” She glared and handed it over.

“If you pick on me I’ll glue your nostrils shut while you sleep.” He paused while unzipping it and slid his eyes to Bucky, who had settled in behind Miranda. He was trying his hardest not to laugh at them. Clint pursed his lips and opening the bag with one eye squinted shut.

“These are just a bunch of arrows. I mean, what would I- isthataboomerangarrow??”

 

**LAST NIGHT**

“Hey. Thanks a tonne for asking me to do this. This was actually quite a bit of fun, really, I learned a load about projectiles on this one, and I got to paint stuff so I guess it’s been the best project since… Oh, it’s probably the best.” Fitz said, grinning from ear to ear. Miranda had been subtly making grabby hands at the bundle in his hands. “Oh, sorry, here. This one is a net arrow. As it flies, it opens with…” Miranda checked out as she inspected the pile of nifty arrows in her hands. She was so proud of Earth 199999. “And they all have little chips in them to tell me how they worked so I can make them more efficient!”

“Fitz, has anybody ever told you that you’re the best?” He paused. “You’re the best.” She hugged him and he laughed. 

“Well, I guess now they have,”

“Listen, don’t tell people just yet. I wanna see how they work first before we put your name on it.” He nodded slowly. “If it explodes in my face, I did it and you tried to stop me.” 

“Aw, c’mon,” He said shaking his head. “Do you have access to the tools to make this kind of thing? Is that even believable, before we get into whether or not it’s even nice,”

“Tony’s lab, I guess. I’ll make it up as we go.” Fitz nodded, assuming that she was going to do what she wanted anyway.

“Fine, whatever you want. Let the other girls know if they need anything,”

“That you’re the man. Got it. See you later, Fitz.”

 

“Why would you need an arrow that comes back to you?” Clint asked. Miranda chuckled and shook her head.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older.” He stared at her before handing back the bag. 

“This is going to be a long ride.”

 

When they landed somewhere in North Dakota, Miranda was less than pleased.  

“You assholes told me it wouldn’t be cold,” She grumbled as she shimmied into her gear pants. Bruce had turned very, very red and went to look at the computers with renewed interest, but Bucky and Clint had been desensitized due to the amount of time they spent at the hospital with her. Alexa was at least trying to put on clothes without showing her body, and Leah was holding up a jacket for Shelby. Miranda put on her long sleeved shirt and glared at Bucky. “East Coast, USA.” He stuck his tongue out as he tied back his hair. When he was through and Miranda was lacing up her non-orthopedic boot, he dropped a black hoodie on her.

“Better? You whiner.” She climbed into it.

“Yes. You liar.” Steve had been watching from the back of the plane as he slid into his costume as inconspicuously as possible. Natasha said something to him and he shrugged. Miranda felt uncomfortable as hell and looked at Clint, who was frowning at his vest.

“You have long sleeves on.” He said, eyeing her borrowed hoodie. She laughed.

“You don’t have the coat yet, do you?” He frowned.

“No. No I don’t. I’m just going to wear the black tac stuff.” He said grumpily. He clambered into the pants. “Hey Cap, next time, can you give us a heads up on where we’re headed?” 

“Yeah. Sorry, I didn’t think about it.” He mumbled. “How ready are we?” People chirped their status and Miranda pulled out her bow from her backpack and put it on. Clint put on his jacket and quiver. 

“You guys are such wusses,” Bucky teased, chuckling. Miranda stuck her tongue out at him.

“I’m sorry that I’m not a polar bear. I’m probably a lizard of some sort, all cold blooded and shit,” She grumbled, following a chuckling Clint out of the back of the Quinjet.

“Hey, they didn’t call me the Winter Soldier for nothing,” He quipped, looking moderately okay with his own joke.

“You know, I was going to go there, but I really wasn’t sure how that was going to go.” Miranda replied pensively. He nodded and shrugged noncommittally. “Anyway, what’s your plan, Littlest Loose Cannon That Could?” Bucky rolled his eyes.

“I’m going in with Steve and everybody. I’ll help keep an eye on the three girls.” Miranda nodded. 

“Not feeling the rifle today?” He shook his head.

“Nah. Besides, it’s going to take me awhile to find one that I like.” Everyone was standing outside, waiting for Cap to decide what they were doing.

“As you guys can see, it’s daylight and we’re parked in the middle of the woods. We’re about ten miles away from the base. If it was just us, I’d have landed closer. You guys can’t just roll off the plane and go straight into the field.” Everyone nodded their consent. “So make sure you have all your gear! We’ll be walking the ten miles.” Bucky pulled a face at Miranda and she laughed.

“Let’s go, Princess.”

“I’m not walking the ten miles,” Tony said, suited up. Alexa chuckled and looked at Shelby, mouthing ‘Civil War’. 

“Stop a mile out, Tony. Keep an eye out for anything that might put a wrinkle in our plans.” Steve said tiredly. Tony took off.

 

As they got closer, the carefree feeling that the group had in the plane started to melt away. When they were three miles from the base, thunder began to roll. Miranda looked up as lightning streaked across the sky and everyone nervously stopped to see what was going on. A few feet in front of Steve, who was leading the expedition, Thor dropped from the sky. 

“Hello!” He called. 

“Very inconspicuous, Thor,” Bruce said sarcastically. “Maybe they’ll be worked into a frothing rage by the time we get there.” Thor shrugged at him. 

“‘Tis nothing we cannot handle. Why are our new SHIELD Sisters with us?” He asked. Steve must have explained, because Thor boomed a laugh. “Training! Fantastic! I will help you learn the ways of battle. You will be among our warriors soon enough, little sisters.” Miranda cracked a smile.

“That’s really optimistic, my man. I like the way you think,” Thor laughed as Steve waved at them to press on. Instead of flying out to meet Tony, Thor stayed to chat with the girls about their weapons and their technique. He was trying to convince Alexa to take up a sword when Steve put his hand out. 

“We’re getting close. Gather ‘round.” He began to explain how they were going to fan out. Miranda couldn’t follow and just looked at Clint.

FOLLOW ME. He signed. Miranda grinned and nodded. Her orders were so much simpler. She looked around the group. Leah and Natasha were standing with a hip popped and Miranda grinned at the similarity. Shelby looked a little nauseated. Alexa was listening intently to whatever Steve was saying. Bucky stood behind Bruce, who was rolling out his joints. He made eye contact with Miranda. She smiled at him and he looked ruefully at her. Bucky had his arms crossed and he stood stoically and watched Steve. Clint was waving from behind Steve.

LET’S GO. She followed him when he peeled away from the group, waving at the group.

“You guys will be alright.” She called. “We’re watching your back.”

“That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear,” Bucky groaned, making the little ring of the baddest of asses in Earth 199999 chuckle. She stuck her tongue out at him and turned to follow Clint.

“We get to find two places where we can see each other and into the base.” He stated. Miranda nodded.

“Am I going to get to climb a tree?” He raised an eyebrow at her.

“That depends. Can you get down from a tree?” She laughed.

“Yeah. You just jump.” He cracked a smile.

“You’re like a nine year old me,” He said, shaking his head. “Don’t jump out of a tree with a leg in a boot.” 

“I’ll have you know I’m 21 as of last week,” She said haughtily. His eyes widened.

“After we get done with this leg of the mission, we’re going out.” He stopped. “Look.” They were on top of a ridge, with a small complex of buildings at the bottom.

“Do you wanna stay on the ridge or do I?” Miranda asked. He shrugged as Tony landed.

“Just in time. Where’s the rest of the motley crew?” Miranda looked at Clint then back at Tony. Tony flipped up his face mask. “Sorry. Did everybody else decide to go home or something?”

“No. We’re getting in position first.” Clint replied. “They’re right behind us, if you want to join them.” Tony nodded.

“Ooh, hey wait,” Miranda said. “Can I have a ride?” Tony raised his eyebrow and Clint grinned.

“Where to?” Miranda scanned the treeline on the other side of the complex.

“That tree.”

“Jesus.” He muttered. “Are you going to rain hellfire down on them?” He said, grinning.

“Something like that.” 

 

Miranda got settled in on a tree branch high enough that she could see into both sets of windows. Between herself and Clint, they ascertained that there was a blind spot in the middle of the compound. Clint radioed the information back to the group. They agreed to try and keep the trainees out of that area. Miranda set up her shit. She had a small hip quiver she hung off the tree in front of her full of plain arrows, but the backpack was full of cool arrows.

“Motherfuck,” She muttered to herself. She had labeled none of them. She spun one around in the finger. On the flight on one side said ‘Sonic’. She grinned. Fitz was the best. She looked at Clint. 

TEAM COMING he signed. She raised a fist in the air with a grin. For a few minutes, nothing happened. Then, she saw a figure in all black walking down the main road. It was Bucky with the sleeves of his shirt torn off. She chuckled at his showmanship. He had the eyeblack smeared across his face and she also vowed to pin him down and put winged eyeliner on him before she died.

DRAMA QUEEN she signed to Clint and pointed to Bucky. He craned his neck around to see him and eventually turned back to the base, which was coming to life. There were lights flashing inside and people could be seen scrambling around, pointing and shouting. She grinned. This is it. She looked down to see Cap and Alexa walking on either side of her tree. She hissed at them and they looked up and waved. Across the way, Leah and Natasha stepped out of the woods, guns drawn. Tony swooped in with Shelby who held a comically oversized gun with an arc reactor in it. They landed in front with Bucky, who was just standing outside, waiting for the party to start. Miranda laughed to herself. Everything was still for a few moments, but when the Hulk crashed through the woods and Thor burst through the roof of the compound, things went to hell. Everybody that was paired off waited for Hydra agents to come outside to pick them off, keeping well within distance of Miranda and Clint. Last Miranda saw Bucky, he had been diving in the front door with a Hydra agent by the neck in each hand. She was casually shooting at every other agent that came out of the door, allowing Natasha, Leah, Alexa and Steve to have at some of them. She looked over at Clint, who almost looked bored as he did the same thing. Tony had gone into the building and left Shelby behind. Miranda’s temper flared. She was taking out a bunch of agents with what looked like an arc reactor shotgun, but she had no backup and Miranda couldn’t make a shot if she wanted to from that angle.

S-H-E-L-B-Y ALONE She signed at Clint after she got his attention. He shot her a thumbs up and slid down the hill to stand next to her. The Hulk burst out of one side of the building, tossing about four agents around like ragdolls. She had a better shot into the blind spot now. She saw Thor on the upper level, knocking teeth in with Mjolnir. An agent rounded the bend with his gun drawn, but she was faster. Thor turned and looked at the fallen agent, then turned to her and gave her a chipper wave. She shook her head and waved back. 

After a few minutes that seemed like hours, Natasha was crouched by the Hulk at the treeline and everyone was milling around. They seemed to be discussing what to do next, but Clint stood at a distance and kept an arrow ready and his head on swivel. Miranda didn’t climb down from her tree. In a few seconds, everybody was glad she didn’t. Two people in dress clothes crept around the bend, directly in Clint’s blind spot. They saw the circle of heroes discussing plans and pointed back around the corner. They began to walk away slowly when Miranda nocked her net arrow. They shrieked and fought it as Miranda cackled and put her quiver of normal arrows in her backpack and hung from the tree branch before dropping down. 

“Gotta catch ‘em all,” She said offhandedly to the group. Steve was already making his way over and Thor was smiling. 

“That was some fine shooting you did.” He said, gesturing to the people Steve was now interrogating. He was casually leaning against the wall as the man and woman struggled in the net. 

“Thanks. Trick arrows.” She muttered. “Everybody okay? Where’s Bucky?” She glanced over at Natasha and an almost naked Bruce who was being lead back to the Quinjet. 

“Other than some bumps and bruises, we’re good.” Shelby said. “We haven’t seen Tony and Bucky yet.” Miranda frowned. 

“You bored yet, Thor?” He glanced at her. “Let’s go see what Clint thinks. You guys should stay here with Cap and make sure those two smarmy bastards don’t get away.” She said to Leah and Alexa. They nodded and grinned at each other. Alexa popped her knuckles and they walked over to hover behind Captain America. “Shelby, you’re the only one out of us that knows how to work the computer at the Quinjet. Catch up with Bruce and Nat and see if you can get a lock on Tony’s location. Radio Clint when you figure it out.” Shelby nodded and ran to catch up with the two Avengers. “You ready, Thor?” He nodded and smiled at her. She walked over to Clint.

“Where are they headed?” He asked her.

“We can’t find Tony or Bucky.” She said, even though she was sure he had already noticed. “Shelby’s going to the computer to get a lock on him and Alexa and Leah are going to help Steve out with our two BFFs over there.” Clint snorted and shook his head. “I think me and Thor are going to go in.” He raised his eyebrow at her. “I’ll pass it by Cap first. Care to have our back?” He pursed his lips and nodded once.

“This might rub him the wrong way.” She shrugged and explained her plan. Clint nodded, not looking convinced.

“We’ll get it done,” She assured him. He shrugged as she and Thor approached Steve. He was asking the two what was going on in the facility. The man spat at him through the fibres of the net. “Listen, man.” Miranda started. She dug out a tazer arrow from her backpack. “If you’re good, I’m not going to give either of these girls this arrow.” She pressed the engage button and it zapped with electricity. Steve sighed at her as she pulled him aside. (She did give Alexa the arrow.)

“What did you find out so far?” She asked him. He shook his head.

“Jack shit.” He said, frowning. She nodded.

“Tony and Bucky are still inside. Thor and I want to check it out.” Steve paused for a minute. “I have Shelby looking for Tony’s suit. She’s going to tell Clint when she finds out. Clint’s going to tell Thor so we can search more efficiently. I’m going to leave Leah and Alexa with you to make sure Tweedle Dumb and Dumber don’t make a break for it.” Steve nodded slowly. 

“You seem to have a handle on it. Go ahead.” Miranda hid a smile and nodded. 

“Alright, my friend. You take point.” She said to Thor. He took the hallway to the right of the hostages. They stepped over their feet and Miranda waggled her fingers at them. They glared at her sullenly. Miranda had a normal arrow nocked, ready for any funny business. The walls had Hulk sized fist holes in them and she chuckled.

“Hulk sure does smash,” She said, conversationally.

“That he does.” Thor chuckled. They rounded the bend to a hallway with a bunch of office-looking doors.

“Do you hear anything?” She asked Thor. He gave her a sideways glance. 

“You don’t hear that?” Ah, shit.

“Um, no.” She said. “I, uh, got caught in an explosion a couple of days ago. Messed up my hearing.” He blinked at her, then nodded.

“There is a loud mechanical sound down this hallway. It seems to be coming from this room.”  He gestured to the door on the right at the end. 

“Naturally.” She groaned. It was the only room with a blinking fluorescent light. Thor boomed a laugh.

“Me first,” Miranda really wanted to be able to have a shot around him, but given the fact that the man is nine feet tall and just as wide, she just hopelessly followed him in. The room was full of computers on desks and huge piles of Chitauri tech.

“Chitauri,” She muttered to Thor. He nodded grimly. “Tony? Buck?” She called. Something moved in her peripherals and she nocked an arrow and drew.

“Whoa,” Tony said, holding up his hands. “Jumpy?” Miranda bared her teeth and angrily tried to remove the arrow without pulling every muscle in her body. Thor sighed heavily as he watched. She put the arrow in her backpack and looked at what Tony was doing.

“No, no, no. No playing with their toys. This ends poorly for everyone.” She protested. Tony looked at the computer and back to her. He said something about ‘not playing’ as he shut his facemask and flew out of one of the Hulk holes. Or Thor holes. Who really knew anymore?

“That wasn’t suspicious at all.” Miranda muttered to Thor. He nodded grimly. 

“I will keep an eye on him for awhile at the Tower. Let us find our other teammate.” Miranda nodded curtly.

“Bucky? You know I can’t hear you. Come out, come out, wherever you are.” Miranda shouted as she and Thor canvassed the lab. She was about to take a step forward when Mjolnir flew past her face. She corralled her shit that she just threw on the floor and looked for the source.

“It was easier than yelling,” Thor said, shrugging. She couldn’t argue with that. “I found a door.” She hustled over to where he was pointing and nudged open the door. Stairs led down, lit by a single lightbulb.

“Seriously creepy,” She complained as she descended. It led into a hallway, also lit by a single bulb. There were multiple dark rooms filled with filing cabinets, but only one had a light on. “Bucky?” She asked tremulously. She felt like something bigger and badder than Thor was going to reach out and grab her. She poked her head into the room to see Bucky standing there with a filing cabinet open. He turned, holding a huge file.

“I, uh. I found my file.” He frowned. “There’s a lot,” He cleared his throat and looked away for a second. Miranda entered the room. Thor hung in the doorway. “I only remembered part of this,” He said, lifting the file.

“I mean, if it were to just, yknow,  _ fall _ into my backpack,” Miranda said, lifting it up. “I wouldn’t have any clue. I mean, I didn’t even  _ hear  _ the filing cabinet open,” Bucky slid the file into her backpack. She turned to Thor and put a finger to her lips. Thor nodded.

“Your past is not my own, and therefore I cannot be the judge.” He said to Bucky. 

“Thanks, pal.” Bucky said quietly. “Let’s get out of this crypt.” 

 

“Did Shelby ever get back to you?” Miranda asked Clint on the walk back. Steve, Alexa, and Leah were corralling the two hostages. They were to take them to the SHIELD Triskellion to be interrogated.

“Erm, no, actually.” Clint said, surprised. “Let me try and get ahold of her.”


	21. The Part Where Clint and Miranda Make a Poor Decision, So SSDD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But really, who in the great green hell says "What's the worst that can happen?" out loud? That's asking to get shat on by the universe. Dammit, Clint.

“Here’s another jacket. Steve won’t mind.” Shelby said, wrapping this one around Thomas’s legs. He clacked his teeth in response. "Didn't they teach you in SHIELD school that it gets a little chilly up here?" Her comms unit chirped and she swore. Thomas shivered uselessly under the 4 coats. 

"Shelby?" Clint asked.

"Uh, hi!" She responded, frantically trying to get a bead on Tony. A loud thump outside answered her question. "Tony's here at the ship," 

"Yeah, Fred said that she saw him at the base. Why didn't you check in? We were pretty concerned on this end. We told Tony to bring the jet this way," Clint rambled on as Tony stared at Thomas.

"I knew you had to be pretty dumb to join SHIELD in the first place, but I didn't know they had sunk that low," he grumbled. Shelby grimaced and Clint exclaimed in indignation, assuming that Tony was talking to him.

“I’ll have you know I quit SHIELD.” Tony sighed and shut off the comms.

“Here, let’s get you warmed up.” Tony cranked the heat in the Jet. 

 

“My foot is actually starting to get sore,” Miranda said quietly to Steve. “Please don’t say I told you so.” He looked worriedly at her and then ahead.

“We’re about a mile out. Will you be alright?” She nodded, grimacing.

"Just, do we have ibuprofin in the jet?" She asked quietly. Steve nodded quickly.

"We'll get you back."

When they got back to the jet, Tony was sitting next to a very disgruntled Thomas.

"Tommy?" Miranda said, incredulous. "What are you doing here?" He looked down at her foot then back at her.

"You walked?" Tony waved a hand at Miranda and she looked at his face. He was already in some street clothes, so no masks were to be had.

"He held on to the landing gear, went into the compartment. The only reason he’s alive is that we didn’t take it the whole way to cruising altitude." Miranda pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Why would you do that, man? Why not just ride with us?" Thomas shrugged.

"I didn't think you'd let me on the mission," He said softly.

"You were at SHIELD Academy, weren't you?" Steve asked quizzically.

"Uh, I was at SciOps." He said, nodding. Tony eyed him closer.

"I didn't know that," He said shaking his head.

“Sorry, but that doesn’t make sense,” Shelby said. “Why were you guarding Fury’s door?” Thomas shivered violently and curled deeper into the pile of clothes. His lips were still tinged blue. 

“In case you hadn’t noticed, by the time you guys had shown up on premises, we were running thin on SHIELD agents, even with Hydra bolstering our ranks.” He said snippily. Bucky ghosted up to Miranda, and tapped her on the shoulder. He held out a water and a pair of painkillers. She looked up at his face and his lips were taut. She took it and looked back to the conversation.

“So they were just throwing top level physicists and engineers to Hydra?” Leah asked sarcastically. 

“We all got base level training before graduating,” Thomas said, not confidently. “And I wouldn’t say I was top level.” He added, even less so. 

“Great, so we’ve got a SciOps flunkie.” Tony drawled, getting back to getting the plane ready for takeoff. “You know, that’s the last time I take the word of Captain America at face value,” He said lightly. “First, he made it sound like he had found orphans on the street, then he says that you’re the best for the job. Next thing we know he’ll be talking up decaf or something equally heinous.”

“I didn’t flunk!” Thomas protested. He followed that up by shivering heavily. “I just didn’t do all that great. Tony shot Thomas a dry look, but bent over the control panel. 

“I just notified SHIELD that they were about to have a sleepover with our two new friends.” He reported. 

“And?” Steve asked. 

“Hill is not impressed.” Tony replied. 

“When  _ is _ Hill impressed?” Shelby asked. Tony snorted once. 

“Probably that one time when we saved the world from alien invaders.” He replied. Miranda didn’t miss his use of ‘we’, and she looked warmly at the other Avengers present. Steve quirked a smile at Tony, while Natasha winked at a very tired Bruce. Clint turned to the dash of the the jet, but everyone could see his red ears.    
  


***

“Frostbite. Don’t pop that blister.” Simmons advised. Thomas stuck his lip out and looked at his toe. 

“It doesn’t fit in my shoes.” He said flatly. Miranda tried really, really hard not to laugh at him, but she didn’t succeed. 

“Dude, you’re the one who climbed into the wheel well. Nobody told you you couldn’t come,” She said, grinning. Thomas muttered at her. Simmons looked uncomfortable.

“I forgive you for whatever you just said.” Miranda said graciously. Thomas rolled his eyes. 

“Why are you all dolled up?” He enunciated. Miranda grinned.

“Clint said that when we got home, he and I were going out on the town. So here we are! Going out!” She said, grinning. Simmons grinned and clapped her hands together. 

“Oh, finally!” She stood carefully from the couch. “Don’t pop that, I mean it.” She said in parting. “Where to?” She asked Miranda as she slid in next to her at the breakfast bar.

“I haven’t the foggiest. Clint told me to wear something cute but casual. I’m betting bar.” She replied, just as Clint came up the stairs to collect her. 

“Hey. Got your ID?” Miranda waved her purse at him. “Tony said it’ll fly?”

“Yeah. While he was at it, he made some for Bucky, Leah, Alexa, and Shelby.” Clint nodded.

“Great! Ready to go?” Thomas sat up, making a disgruntled noise and waving at Miranda.

“You got a  _ fake _ ? From Tony?” Miranda grinned.

“No, this is how old I have been actually alive. It’s straight rude to take my 21st birthday off of me, of all things.” Thomas sighed and sat back. “Don’t pop that, Tommy. I’m serious.” He raised his hand in a one-fingered salute over the back of the couch. 

“Just us?” Miranda asked Clint after she was done laughing at Thomas. Clint shrugged.

“I mean, the rest of your crew isn’t 21.” Miranda nodded.

“I also really feel like I don’t fit into the places Tony would go.” Clint leaned on the railing of the steps.

“Steve and Bucky are finishing the series you gave them to watch.” Miranda frowned and nodded. “Nat has places to be anymore,” He said sadly.

“Bruce told me absolutely not.” Miranda said lightly. “He doesn’t like bars.” Clint nodded understandingly.

“Well?” He asked. Miranda made a nervous face.

“You think we can just go ourselves?” Clint shrugged.

“What’s the worst that could happen?”


	22. The One With the Bar Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you really expect Miranda and Clint to walk into a bar and not do something incredibly stupid?

“Hold the sign up higher, ma’am.” Apparently, this is the worst that could happen. Miranda looked at Clint, who was next to her. He reached over and pulled her arm up, glaring. The bulb flashed, and Miranda’s head throbbed. They were put back in the tank after the photos were taken.

 **“I’m not drunk!”** Miranda bellowed out of the cell. “I didn’t even get to finish my drink.” Miranda moaned. Clint just glared at her again. She frowned at him. “Are we not talking?”

He signed the word BROKE clumsily and pointed at his left hand. Miranda sighed and scooched closer to him, leaning on his right shoulder. Clint rolled his eyes and put his arm around her.

“Asshole.” He muttered.

“Hey.” She snipped. He looked down at her, surprised.

“I thought-”

“I’m leaning on you, doofus.”

 

***

When Tony and Steve got there, they stood on the outside of the drunk tank for a little bit, taking in the scene. Miranda’s face was bruising, for starters. Clint’s hand was swollen and bruising. Miranda had no shirt, and was wearing Clint’s jacket. Unzipped? A heel was broken off of her shoes. Clint’s pants were ripped on one side from his crotch the whole way down to his ankle, and they were both asleep, upright on the bench. Snuggling. Tony, eyebrows raised, handed Steve a crisp 20 dollar bill.

“Are you gonna wake em, or am I?” Steve whispered, grinning.

“Go ahead, go ahead.” Tony whispered back. “I’m curious.”

“Are you _kidding_ me?” Steve asked loudly as he hit the bars with his hands. Clint jumped, causing Miranda to hug his midsection tighter.

“Stoppit,” she slurred. Clint looked guiltily at Steve and Tony.

“She, uh, lost her ‘aids.” Tony rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

“And her shirt. And her dignity.” He told him. Miranda pulled her legs up onto the bench.

“Good thing she’ll have a friend with her in the Land of Lost Dignity.” Steve said, laughing and leaning on the bars. Clint nodded sadly.

“It’s me, isn’t it?” Steve nodded at him once, raising his eyebrows.

“Come on, some generous benefactor posted your bail.” Tony said, waving the guard down the hall. “You’ll be back in a few days to make your court date.” Clint gently shook Miranda awake.

“Ow.” She breathed. “Does it look like I got hit in the face with a bar stool?”

“A bar stool?” Tony mouthed to Steve. Clint pulled a face and nodded. She hissed and touched her temple. Clint pointed outside the cell.

“Oh god,” Miranda stuck her face in Clint’s shoulder. “The dads are here.” Clint laughed, shaking her and making her head hurt. “Please don’t say you’re disappointed. I’ll die.” She peeked up to watch Steve and Tony. Tony shook his head.

“Can you walk with only half a shoe?” Miranda took them off as the guard unlocked the door.

“I’m not even mad, I don’t think.” Steve replied. “I’m mostly confused. What even happened?” Miranda looked at Clint, then back to Steve, alarmed.

“Uh, you didn’t tell Bucky, did you?” Steve nodded slowly. Miranda made the saddest face. “Tell the girls I love them.” Steve chuckled.

“He wasn’t mad, either.” Miranda hissed slowly.

“Oh god, he is going to kill me dead.”

 

***

“Tell me everything.” Bucky said calmly, after he had put some ice in a bag and handed it to her. Everyone was eating Thai takeout around the big table after Clint and Miranda washed off most of the drunk tank smell. The table got quiet.

“Uh,” She looked at Clint. “We went out for drinks, for my 21st birthday.” Bucky nodded slowly. “So we get there, and I ordered a beer. I didn’t finish it, mind you. I am sober. I am stone-cold sober all night.” Clint backed her up by nodding vigorously. “And we were sitting at the bar for a minute when Clint saw the dart boards.”

“Oh Jesus no,” Shelby breathed.

“So we went over.” Bucky’s jaw tightened. Miranda was certain that she heard his teeth grinding.

“And?” He asked after a tense moment.

“I may or may not have tried to hustle a man out of money by pretending I couldn’t throw darts, then wiping the floor with him.” Tony, who was the only one still eating, rolled his eyes. “I walked over to the board, he looked at me like I was stupid, then he asked if I wanted to play. I looked at Clint,”

“And he looked down her shirt," Clint said darkly.

“And I decided he needed to be fucked with. So I acted a lot more drunk than I was off of a half beer.” Bucky nodded at her, and motioned for her to go on. “He bet me $100 that I wouldn’t hit dead center on all five darts. And I did. So he got pissed and said I had taken him, so he said I had to do it blindfolded. And I did. Then he said I had to do it left handed. And I did.” Bucky grinned a little.

“Show off.” She rolled her eyes with a small smile.

“Well, I was only doing it at this point for honour. I didn’t even really care about the money. My left nostril is worth more than $100.” Tony snorted, but Miranda remained blissfully unaware. “So he started yelling that I wasn’t getting my money. Clint pulled me away like ‘It’s not worth it, let’s go dance.’ And we did.” Bucky’s face got a little dark, and Clint explained that they had literally just spun around in circles for a few minutes before the guy came up behind Miranda, more drunk than before.

“He was partyboying my butt.” She interjected, annoyed. Bucky gave her a weird look. “He was like, thrusting his pelvis at my behind. It was wildly uncomfortable. So I turned around and was like ‘Excuse me?’ and he was like ‘Aw, you’re just a bitch’,” She fake slurred. “And I was like ‘And I fight like a bitch. Wanna see?’ So I took off my shirt and dropped in stance.”

“You took off your shirt?” Bucky echoed. Miranda nodded.

“It was restricting.” He waved a hand at her.

“Ah yes. Restricting. Do go on.” She rolled her eyes.

“So he giggled at me and said, ‘Aw, c’mon baby. If you wanna wrestle, you can come back to my place,’ And before he even finished his sentence, Clint flew out of nowhere and socked him right in the kisser!” Clint held up his hand in display. Bucky nodded at him, face blank. “Well, that turned into a blitz, immediately. I was promptly slammed to the floor and beat with a barstool,” Bucky flinched back, jaw gritted. “Clint was being held by two guys and beat on by another. I kicked my guy in the back of the head and he got off of me, then broke my heel so I kicked him in the face. I went over and tried to get the guys off of Clint, and we both ended up weaseling away and sprinting out the door, directly into the arms of the NYPD.” Miranda finished, nodding. Bucky sat there, hands clasped in front of him. He looked into Miranda’s soul with narrowed eyes. Miranda started to sweat, and Clint looked between the two. The rest of the Casual Thieves had left, sensing the oncoming storm. Bruce went to the kitchen, and Natasha left right after she ate. Steve sat, leaned back in his chair, not moving. Tony hadn’t stopped packing away Thai.

“I see.” Bucky finally said. “And you didn’t invite me?” Miranda’s eyes widened.

“I, uh,” was the only intelligent response she had.

“From what I’m hearing, it sounds like you and Barton can’t be trusted to make good decisions together.” Clint tried to protest. “No, Clint, you’re supposed to make sure she doesn’t get hurt. That’s why we’re in charge of these guys. So they don’t get hurt.” Clint sat back in his chair, frowning. “She looks pretty hurt, to me.”

“It’s really not all that bad.” Miranda stammered. Bucky glared at her.

“What the hell do you mean, it’s not that bad? You could’ve lost an eye, or cracked your skull, or even been killed. You’re not invincible. You’re a 21-year-old alien, smaller than most, and your only marketable skill is you aim better than most humans.” He said angrily. Miranda cringed and felt tears pricking at her eyes. “This whole time, you’ve been so gung ho about everything and you just gotta understand that sometimes, when people tell you to stay out of trouble, they’re not telling you because they don’t want you to have fun.” He leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath. “Sometimes they’re telling you that because they don’t want you to get hurt.” Miranda started crying. She couldn’t help it. Clint awkwardly patted her back. Bucky stared at her, stunned, then he muttered that he was sorry and he left. Tony watched him as he went, and whistled when he was gone. It took a minute, but Miranda finally pulled herself together and wiped her nose on a clean napkin.

“I hate to say it, but that sounded very familiar.” Steve said to her. “That was pretty much a carbon-copy of what he used to tell me.” Miranda nodded morosely. “Except the alien part.” He said, grinning. Miranda chuckled wetly. “He can be pretty brisk, but he really means the best.”

Out in the hallway, Bucky leaned up against the wall, listening. He was in plain sight of Bruce, who was trying to organise the dishes in a way that he could actually wash them some time this week.

“Well, how did that go?” Bruce finally asked. Bucky looked up at him, before deciding to lean on the counter, out of Bruce’s way.

“Not well. I accidentally made her cry.” Bruce nodded slowly.

“You think it was the alien part, or the part where you told her she was only good for her aim?” Bucky frowned and took a deep breath. “You were getting pretty loud there, my friend.” Bucky hung his head as Bruce ran some hot water.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Bucky said quietly.

“I’m sure you didn’t.” Bruce agreed, squeezing some soap into the sink. “But you’ve got to understand that not only was Miranda scared too, but I can assure you, she was more afraid than you were.” Bucky rankled at the use of the word ‘afraid’, before he realised that that was exactly what he was. Afraid. More afraid than he has been in a long time. “When you yell at somebody who uses false bravado as their armor, it just crumbles.” He shrugged, still not looking at Bucky. “You see it in Tony sometimes.”

There was a long pause before Bucky shifted to sit at a stool.

“What should I do?” Bruce stopped at that.

“I’m not sure. I’ve known her for less time than you have, actually, and you’ve known her better.” He turned to lean on the sink and look at Bucky. “What do you think you should do?”

“Apologise, probably.” He said, spreading his hands. “I didn’t do anything wrong, really, but I went about it the wrong way.” Bruce nodded encouragingly.

“And?” Bucky’s face fell.

“I have no idea.” Bruce nodded.

“You might think of something. Better yet, let her tell you.” Bucky cocked an eyebrow at him. “No, no, hear me out. Apologise and wait. She might end up telling you what to do the next time, or what to never do, or what she wants you to do. You never know.” Bucky nodded a few times. “I’ve been around the block with the strong types.”

 

***

Clint told Miranda that he was sorry, but he had to go back to his apartment. Miranda nodded and they hugged for a while.

“Get some sleep, yeah?” He told her. Steve had left after his pep talk, and Tony had stayed for a few minutes, helping Miranda clean up the dishes and bring them to Bruce.

“So, a barstool.” Tony said, motioning to his own face area. Miranda nodded sullenly. “Eh. I’ve been in worse fights. Keep your chin up, we’ll pay the fine and move on with our lives.” When they brought the last of the dishes out to Bruce, he gave Tony a pointed look. “I’ll, uh. I’ll be in my lab.”

“Undoubtedly watching on the cameras,” Bruce muttered into the dishes. Miranda was oblivious as she stacked things into Bruce’s already-sorted piles.

“Do you want some help?” Miranda offered.

“Company would be fine,” Bruce said, turning to her. She nodded and sat at the breakfast bar. Bruce continued doing dishes while Miranda picked at the plate she dished herself and hadn’t eaten. After the dishes were all in the dishwasher, Bruce turned to her and dried his hands. Miranda had been trying to figure out something to say to him that wasn’t completely awkward and weird, but she had obviously failed.

“Um,” She stammered, then took a bite of food. Bruce chuckled.

“I don’t bite.” He flipped the towel onto his shoulder. “What are you thinking?” Miranda pursed her lips.

“I dunno.” She said, nodding a little bit. “I’m just confused. Bucky was the only person mad at me, and I got Clint’s hand broken.” Bruce crossed his arms.

“I don’t think Bucky was mad at you,” He started. Miranda gave him a questioning look. “I think he was nervous. He saw that you got hurt, but he wasn’t there to stop it or help you.”

“Just because he’s got a hero complex, doesn’t mean that he can cop an attitude with me.” Bruce nodded.

“You’re right. You should probably go talk to him about some stuff.” Bruce said, looking at her curiously. “Why would you think he’s got a hero complex?” Miranda laughed.

“You’re right. It’s not a complex. He _is_ a hero.”

Bucky quietly walked back to the room Stark had given him, slightly confused. How could she consider him a hero? He decided to wait until the next day, and see if she would talk to him alone.


	23. The Part Where The Thieves Don't Quit Their Day Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Start humming that Dolly Parton song. That's what this chapter is about, sort of.

“How’d you sleep?” Steve asked, grinning. Miranda grumbled into her coffee cup.

“Smartass.” She hissed. He had seen her sitting in the same spot with the first cup of coffee when he went out to exercise. He offered to bring her with him. She had laughed, then winced.

“No really,” He chuckled. “Sorry to break it to you, but today is going to be pretty important.” She sighed deeply.

“Important for who? Me?” He nodded. 

“And the rest of your team. We’ve got to start training. My team watched you guys at the last mission we were on, and we’ve assessed you for weak points and points that we could all do better on. Today, we start working.” Miranda groaned and leaned on the breakfast bar.

“I’ll go get dressed.” She trudged toward her bedroom. Steve chuckled and got a glass of water. Miranda went back to her room and shut her door, flopping back onto the bed. Everything thumped, but she figured she may as well fight Captain goddamn America while everything was already sore. She spaced out for a few more minutes, before checking her phone that Tony had given her. There were a few texts in the Casual Thief group message. 

**Shelby: wakey wakey**

**Leah: No.**

**Shelby: uhh. yes?**

**Alexa: asldjueoiugdbnalsdjkfa**

**Shelby: IT’S ALIIIIIVE**

She chuckled and put on some sweats and a tee. Before she left her room, she sighed at her reflection. If someone could survive falling out of an airplane without a parachute and landing face first, this is what they would look like.

Shelby met her in the hallway.

“You gonna join us, Bruiser?” Miranda groaned at her.

“Yeah. I guess.” Shelby laughed. Leah opened her door, looking like the lights were all on, but nobody was home. From Alexa’s room came thumping noises and various forms of the word “fuck”, but no real signs of life beyond that.

“Everything alright in there?” Shelby asked worriedly. 

“Is there coffee?” Alexa called. Shelby cackled and assured that there would be. The three girls met Steve around the breakfast bar and chatted while Alexa sorted out her life. A few minutes later, Alexa emerged with her hair tied back and basketball shorts equipped.

“Are you going to get something to eat?” Steve asked gently. Alexa poured some coffee and shook her head.

“Does the training room run away after ass-o’clock in the morning or what?” She asked grouchily. He laughed.

“No, but we’ve got a pretty full day. First, you girls have to get in a habit of waking up and getting some workouts in. There’s no way you’ll be able to keep up with any kind of real schedule and being in shape to be an Avenger without some early mornings.”

“What kind of real schedule?” Leah asked.

“Well, firstly, you guys are a wealth of information, and Tony helps Pepper run a company, Bruce needs to do his own work, Clint… is Clint, Natasha has been busy, and I have a bunch of stuff I have to do on my own. We can’t spend all of our time watching these movies and assessing the future and what threats the future may hold. We could hire some guys, but it’d be hard to ensure they wouldn’t ask too many questions we couldn’t answer, or even talk to other people about what they know. So we figured we’d just hire you.” Everyone had remained rapt, and there was silence for a moment.

“So, our job is just to rewatch all the films and take notes?” Miranda asked. Steve nodded.

“And, you’ll be making action plans and assessing threat levels, but yeah. Basically.” There was an instant ruckus. Steve laughed and the girls high fived and yelled at each other. “But first,” He raised his voice. “Training!” 

“Wait, does this mean we’ll get paid?” Miranda asked. Steve nodded.

“Sure. Why?” Miranda grinned.

“I’ve always wanted to go shopping in New York…” She sighed happily. Steve nodded amicably. “C’mon, hurry up! We gotta get to work!” She said, shaking Alexa. Alexa growled as her coffee sloshed, but Miranda remained oblivious.

When they made it downstairs, Steve had them on a circuit. Clint had showed up for moral support, and Steve had made him get on the treadmill. It was perfectly fair, in the girls’ opinions. He hadn’t worked out with the team in a long time, since the last mission, because he had to set up his apartment. Clint did not see it that way. 

“You don’t want me hanging around here forever, now do you?” Everyone was silent. Clint looked at Miranda. “C’mon, that apartment is super important,” He tried.

“Important for who?” She wheezed. “The Russian Bros?” Clint blinked at her. 

“Exactly,” Steve said, from the ring. His job was to spar with each of the girls in turn and give them tips. Alexa was angrily re-tying her hair.

“You don’t even know what she’s talking about!” Clint grouched from the treadmill.

“No, not really. But I really understand-” He huffed as he flipped Alexa onto her back. “Her cause.” Clint huffed and continued running. They did three circuits, and by the time it was over, everyone was ready for a meal and a nap. Not even in that order.

“What about your day jobs?” Steve said, grinning. “Being an Avenger is tough, and if you guys can’t clock in today, I’m sure Pepper will understand,” He said, casually stretching his calves. Clint raised an eyebrow at him as he drank some water. 

“Clock in?” Miranda was already back from the shower.

“I’m clocked in. What do I do now?”

 

Eventually, everyone had joined Miranda. Unfortunately for everyone else, Miranda had started the project, so she put herself in charge.

“Okay! You’re going to watch this, this, and this,” She began, handing the DVDs to Leah, who was the second person there. “I’ve already watched this one,” She gestured to her pile. “And when I’m done with this pile, I’m going to give them to the last person here. We’ll cycle through everything individually, without talking to each other about points until the end. Then we’ll all get together and talk, ensuring we couldn’t possibly have missed anything.” Leah sighed. “Hey, we’re getting paid like $15 an hour to watch films and take notes. Not too shabby, I’d say.”

At noon, they all decided it was lunch time. When they went out to the kitchen, Pepper and Tony were standing there, sipping coffee and looking at huge stacks of papers. 

“So this is what business people do, eh?” Miranda asked, good naturedly. Tony turned and frowned at their pyjamas.

“Why are you still in p.j.s? Why can’t I be in my p.j.s?” He asked Pepper.

“Because, I don’t think the head of…” She looked at her planner. “The electronics company we’re going to have a business lunch with will really appreciate seeing your plaid flannel ensemble. Are you done reading their background?” Tony told his coffee that he was, and asked if they were going to be late on the way out the door. Shelby poked her head in the refrigerator. 

“What are you guys feeling?” She asked, after assessing what was in the fridge. “I think it’s grocery night, so we can have pickles or mayonnaise.” She said drily. Miranda laughed.

“What, is Thor home? Jeez. Looks like we’re going out.” She stood. “My vote is Chinese. Let’s see who else wants to come vote for Chi- I mean, choose what they want to eat in a purely democratic fashion.” All in all, they had collected Clint, who was “Really, really trying to go back to his apartment, guys,” Bucky, who was just getting back from places unknown, and Bruce. Bruce blinked blearily when Shelby asked him if he wanted lunch. 

“But I just had lunch!” He said shaking his head and looking around. He was surrounded by papers, various Stark tablets showing weird chemical structures and equations, and on a separate table there were supposed failed concoctions. Shelby didn’t ask. 

“What day do you think is is, Bruce?” Shelby asked suspiciously. 

“Uh, Sunday, right?” Shelby groaned.

“Bruce, it’s Tuesday.” He raised his eyebrows, and slowly began putting his personal effects in his pockets.

“Where are we eating? Chinese?”

***

The Chinese buffet down the street was really a no-brainer. The rest of the crew loved it when Thor came with. It was like watching an unstoppable force meet an immovable object. Somehow in the back, the family would make tray after tray of great food, and Thor would just do what Thor does. The little old lady in the back looked a little disappointed that Thor wasn’t with them when they came in. After they had all gathered their plates, the chatter began.

“So, how’s the lab?” Shelby asked Bruce between bites. Bruce nodded, excited, with half a dumpling in his mouth.

“Yeah, good! Yeah,” he said, drinking some fountain soda to wash down the half-chewed dumpling. “I finally narrowed the reaction down to the last two options,” He started. “You know, it’s really boring. Just some genetics stuff. It’s going good though, and it’s not hardcore chemistry, so it shouldn’t blow the lab up.” He said, grinning. Everyone chuckled and considered Tony’s homeowner’s insurance. 

“I heard you guys were put to work this morning,” Bucky said slyly. “Finally, whipping those asses in shape.” 

“If we’re whipping our asses into shape, then where were you?” Miranda said dryly, causing Clint to snarf rice. Alexa chuckled and thumped Clint on the back. When he had cleared the rice paddy from his lungs, Leah asked him how his apartment was going.

“Uh, pretty okay.” Miranda and Shelby shared a look.

“How’s the neighbors?” Shelby asked. Clint sighed and looked at her in defeat.

“You know, you could just tell me.” Miranda laughed at him, and he glared and went back to his rice. After a few minutes, Clint looked back up. “So how’s the film screenings going? Get any ideas yet?”

“Sorry,” Miranda put a hand up. “Can’t talk about it. It’ll warp our personal perceptions on the material.” Bucky belly laughed.

“Are you joking right now?” He crowed, slapping his thigh. Miranda glared at him, lips pursed. 

“You know, you won’t be laughing when our process brings you people success,” She said primly. Even Clint, who had been trying to humour her, laughed.

“Business Miranda is very serious,” Bruce said, trying not to grin. “You should be thankful,” He chuckled. Miranda rolled her eyes. 

“Whatever, guys,” She said, digging into her lo mein. “You’ll see.”


	24. The One With The Field Trip Permit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the Casual Thieves pass out their worksheets on the future of the Avengers, things get a little... messy.

They were back at it again after the Chinese food. Bucky decided that he wanted to try and read some of the comics Miranda had brought with her, Bruce went back to the lab, and Clint actually went back to his apartment.

“You think it’s the Matt Fraction apartment?” Miranda asked Shelby one he was out of earshot. Shelby shook her head.

“He hasn’t been married yet. We’ll try again after we’re bridesmaids.”

When Tony and Pepper got home from a normal day at the office, the girls were just coming out of their cave. 

“Have you four been working this whole time?” Pepper asked them. They looked amongst themselves and nodded.

“We started at like, 9, after we all had showered and whatnot, had an hour and a half lunch, then got back to work til just now.” Leah supplied.

“How many movies have you guys made it through?” Tony asked, eyebrow raised.

“About five-ish,” Miranda said, shrugging. “Each.”

“How many in total?” Tony asked, furrowing his brow and leaning forward.

“Twelve. Plus the two TV shows.” Alexa said chipperly.

“I am so glad we are paying you by the hour.” Tony said, laughing. “You guys are the most efficient employees I have.” Pepper scowled for a moment at him before he held up his hands. “Are you my employee or am I your employee, I don’t even know,” Pepper rolled her eyes.

“I’m sure we here at Stark Industries will find you four something to do afterwards,” 

***

The rest of the week had gone very similar. Steve waited for them in the morning to wake up and train. 

“No pressure,” He’d say slyly, looking as they woke up, bedraggled and annoyed. “Just trying to make future Avengers.” The first time, Shelby and Miranda had snickered at each other, thinking of a certain comic. He had looked between them, but hadn’t asked any questions. They’d train, then they’d watch films and write down plausibilities. Then they watched the shows. Friday was the day that they were to make their own plans of attack. Then, on the following Monday, they reconvened to go over their individual plans of attack to make a cohesive plan of attack that they would present to Steve at dinner. 

“Been pretty quiet around here.” Clint mentioned to Bruce after an official Avengers meeting. 

“Yeah, the posse has been pretty tied up in this whole ‘attack plan’ thing. It’s a little bit nice,” He said, shrugging. “I haven’t heard the words ‘daggone’ or ‘holy Toledo’ in a whole week.” Clint and Natasha laughed, but Steve rolled his eyes.

“People have said weirder,” He fended. Thor, who was making an extended stay, agreed. 

“People meaning you, Cap.” Tony laughed. “I don’t understand. The other day, she kicked a table and said a whole stream of nonsense, and none of it was foul. I don’t know whether to be worried or impressed.” He said, holding the door for everyone on their way out of the conference room. The girls in question were cooking when they came into the kitchen, and Pepper was sitting on the breakfast bar, making mimosas. 

“No seriously, you should just chop it off or something.” Pepper said, grinning. Miranda paused while she was cutting up mushrooms. 

“Nah, I’ve done it short. It just doesn’t do it for me.” Pepper nodded, handing her the drink. Natasha came to lean on the counter next to Pepper.

“Looking for a new ‘do?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at Miranda. Tony grumbled and filtered into the sitting room with Bruce, Thor and Steve. 

“Yeah, and I really need a haircut, too.” Shelby said. “It’s so long it’s starting to gain sentience.”

“What if you dyed it?” Natasha said, popping a mushroom in her mouth. Miranda shrugged.

“I dunno. I’ve been a redhead for like, a million years.” She said, laughing.

“What if you cut it,  _ and  _ dyed it.” Clint offered. “Short and blonde or something.” 

“I wanna go red, so it’d be like swapping,” Leah laughed. “I’ll trade you!” 

“Really, after you guys go over the plan, I can make an appointment for you guys at the salon I go to for tomorrow. You ladies have done some really great work.”

“Wait, you guys are done?” Clint asked. Everybody nodded. “Great! Are you guys still training with Cap, too?” There was a collective groan and he laughed at them. “Hey, we all gotta do it.”

“Yeah, but I don’t see you up at ass o’clock in the morning doing pushups,” Alexa grumbled. 

“That’s because I have-”

“An  **apartment** .” A few people said at once. Clint laughed sheepishly. 

“So, what’s for dinner?” Tony asked. “I didn’t know you guys could cook, actually.” Miranda rolled her eyes at him.

“We’re having red sauce with mushrooms, chicken parmesan, and penne.” Tony hummed his consent and made grabby hands at a piece of cheese Alexa was putting on top of the chicken. 

“Are we actually going to do business during dinner, or can we do it before?” Tony asked. 

“Nah, I don’t like doing business during dinner, and we don’t have our literature printed, so we’ll go after.” Tony nodded, chowing down on the cheese.

“Whoa, literature?” Clint said, narrowing his eyes. “You have  _ literature? _ ” Miranda waved the cutting board she was rinsing off at him.

“Oh yeah, nothing major. One or two page brief on personal problems for each of you guys, followed by the four page Avengers brief.” Clint emitted a high pitched whining noise before offering to carry the plates to the table. 

“He thinks if he sucks up, you won’t make him read the whole thing.” Natasha said, after a long sip of Miranda’s mimosa. She narrowed her eyes at Natasha, assuming that her mimosa was not hers any more. 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s what he thinks.” 

 

***

“Excellent food, guys.” Steve said, in segue. “What do you have for us?” 

“Well, some fruit, for one,” Alexa said, sliding the tray out of the fridge. “And a file for each of you.” The ladies worked on passing out manilla folders to each of the other Avengers. Steve grinned at Leah and winked at her when he was handed his, opening it with a proud glint in his eye. Tony nodded, mildly impressed when Shelby gave him his file, and Natasha opened hers immediately when Leah handed hers over. Miranda gave one to Clint and Bucky, and each had a pink sticky note inside. Once the sticky note was read, they both shut the folders and looked back at Miranda. She nodded once, and handed a very lean folder to Bruce. Natasha caught the exchange, but said nothing as she poured over her personal files. Alexa set the tray of fruit on the table and some napkins, and the girls sat at their end of the table and got to business.

“Everyone has a personal file, in case you couldn’t tell. The four of us put our heads together and picked a few of the most pressing things that we thought might have an influence on the next two years, five years, and ten years. Obviously, the farther out the timeline goes, the more uncertain things get.” Miranda began. “We can’t tell you how to fix it, because we don’t want to affect your free will, but we can give you all the factors that we know of and let you take it from there.” Everyone nodded at each other as the girls continued.

“We cross referenced things from the comic books that we do have and what we have read, and tried to cite things as much as possible.” Shelby pointed out. “If you want to take a closer look at the situation or person, it’s pretty much all cited.” She said confidently. 

“Transparent enough for you?” Miranda said with a grin. Tony flipped through his folder as he held a finger up. Bruce looked wearily at his folder, but there wasn’t too much in it, except for a reading list of comics if he gets too curious. Steve leafed through his own file lightly, and began paying more attention to the general team notes. Thor sadly looked through his own notes before looking back at Shelby.

“And you’re sure this is Loki’s doing?” Shelby nodded grimly. “I must go back to Asgard.” 

“And what do you think you’re going to do there?” Clint said, slightly red in the face. Miranda locked eyes with Bucky, and he shook his head slightly.

“Read this, and understand.” Thor handed his personal file over. 

“Uh,” Alexa started. “I’m not sure we should be sharing things like that. Wouldn’t there be a conflict of interest?” She asked Shelby. Leah shrugged and answered for her.

“If Thor shares of his own free will,” Clint finished reading.

“So what, we put him in a box again and he’s all good? You should know better by now, Thor,” Clint slid the file back over to Thor. Thor took it and held it tightly in his hands. 

“What are you suggesting, archer?” He said darkly. “I will not allow you to murder my brother in cold blood.” 

“Who’s talking cold blood?” Clint stood. “I’m pretty hot blooded, in case you can’t tell!” 

“Guys, guys,” Steve said over top of the argument. “Listen, I don’t know what’s in that file, and I don’t want to. It’s not my place to know what Thor is going through right now, but we can’t be fighting about this.” He said as Clint sat back down and angrily took a peach to eat. “If Loki is involved in some way, that’s what he wants. Don’t give him that kind of satisfaction.” Clint angrily bit his peach. 

“I have to stop this, at once.” Thor said calmly. “I understand your quarrell, archer.” He continued, waiting for Clint to look back to him. “But he is still my brother. I do not mean to insult you by denying you vengeance, which I agree you are sorely owed, but while I draw breath I cannot allow you to try.” Thor stood, collecting his things. “If you had a brother, I am sure you would understand.” 

Clint snorted and shot a look at the Thieves. 

“Right.”

“You’re leaving now?” Miranda asked Thor, raising an eyebrow quizzically. He nodded, like going out on the balcony and yelling at his intergalactic best friend to beam him up was the most natural thing in the world. 

“Yes, absolutely.” Miranda looked around at everyone else in the room. Natasha was reading her folder, still as death. She had something to say, and Miranda wasn’t quite sure she wanted to hear it. Bruce was looking between a mildly red faced Clint and Thor, frowning. Bucky was flipping through his sources in the back of his folder, glaring at one in particular. Steve was pretending to look at the Five Year Plan, but was obviously trying to keep an eye on the brewing storm. Tony was talking to Pepper about his plans for tomorrow, either already done and processed or waiting to question everyone until the drama had blown over. 

“Nobody has any objections?” She asked. “Eat your peach, Clint.” He angrily took another bite.

“You can’t go alone,” Shelby said, frowning. “Things could get messy.” Thor laughed.

“My brother is always messy. I am sure I can handle it alone.” He said with a nod.

“If you wait a few more days, we might be able to figure out a plan.” Miranda argued. “You could out-trick the Trickster, cause him to incriminate himself.” She said. “We wouldn’t let him escape prosecution, but he wouldn’t be put to death, right?” Thor furrowed his brow.

“I am not sure what the punishment would be for this, as I am unsure of the full extent of the crimes he has committed.” He crossed his arms. “You would go with me to Asgard?” He challenged.

“Yes, absolutely!” She countered, before he could even finish his question. 

“Absolutely not!” Clint said, with a partially full mouth of peach. “Are you insane?” 

“What? I trust Thor to not get us killed.” Alexa gestured to Thor. “I mean, look at him. We’ll be fine.” Thor had a bemused expression on his face, looking from Casual Thief to Clint. 

“Do you not trust the care of our shield-sisters to me, archer?” Thor smiled widely, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Miranda looked at Bucky, who also knew where this was going. He set his folder down and uncrossed his legs, preparing for what was about to be said. Clint shook his head.

“No, Thor. I trust you well enough to take them on a field trip.” He drawled, and everyone relaxed. “It’s your brother I don’t trust.”

“I don’t trust him either, but I will ensure he doesn’t hurt any of ours,” Thor said, eyebrows scrunched. “He is not match for me and my team in Asgard.” 

Clint looked at the group. Miranda was fit to be tied, and Shelby was trying to pretend like she wasn’t more excited than Miranda. Leah and Alexa were whispering to each other, grinning. 

“For what it’s worth,” Steve said, looking apologetically at Clint. “They’re free until next Tuesday.”


	25. The One Where the Home Team Gets it Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so near omnipotence may not be the end all, be all. How were they supposed to know that?

“Five days!” Miranda wheezed, throwing some stretch pants into a backpack. Alexa laughed from across the hall. “This is the best vacation ever!”

“If you could call going toe to toe with a magical megalomaniac a vacation, we need to kick you off of this team.” Bucky deadpanned. Miranda laughed and packed a few shirts. “Really, guys, are you actually excited about this? Thor doesn’t even know if you guys are allowed to roam the streets there.”

“Well, I doubt Heimdall will pick us up if we aren’t allowed, and we’re kind of showing up with the crown prince, so,” Shelby shrugged from the doorway, holding up two dresses.  
“Should we bring nice clothes?” She said. Miranda got a gleam in her eyes.

“Oh, man, yeah, they dress nice all the time there…” Bucky rolled his eyes. “Think they’ll loan us some warrior garb?” She said, giggling.

“Stranger things have happened,” Shelby said with a grin. “I’m taking one, just in case.”

“Me too,” Miranda decided. 

“Pack one for me too,” Clint said heavily from the hallway. Shelby gave him an odd look.

“Pack one what? A dress?” She asked him. Miranda put her head out of the door around Shelby. Leah and Alexa brought finished backpacks into the hall. 

“Yeah. I think the blue one would set off my eyes, don’t you?” He said, piling his own duffel bag on top.

“You’re coming?” Miranda said, grinning wider.

“I figured if you boneheads were going to risk your lives, I couldn’t let you do it alone.” He made a ‘hurry’ motion with his hands. “C’mon, let’s get our shit together.” Bucky nodded once at the archer, who nodded back. Miranda shot a glance at Shelby, who shook her head. 

“Boys are weird. You got the DVD and the player?” Shelby asked Alexa. Alexa patted her backpack.

“All set!” She crowed. Bucky picked up a few bags, and Clint picked up the rest.

“Let’s go before he changes his mind,” Miranda stage whispered to her crew. Clint looked back and glared.

“You’re the only one that can’t hear you.” He stated with a lopsided grin. 

“Who said I didn’t want you to?”

In short order, they were standing before a Norse god, who was offering to bring them back to Godland using his other god friend’s powers. Miranda was convinced it was never going to sink in.

“Alright, guys, hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times,” Clint said, trying to assure everyone he wasn’t going to commit mutiny. Miranda winked at him, and he raised his eyebrows.

“We’ll hold the fort down until you get back,” Natasha assured.

“Not that you’re the fort-holding-down specialist.” Tony chirped. Clint glared at him. “Pepper is the fort-holding-down specialist. You are the eating-my-food-when-you-have-your-own-apartment specialist.” Thor shook his head and begun to address the group.

“Travelling the Bifrost usually takes a toll on the Midgardian body. It will not last long, but know that it may be unpleasant.” Shelby smirked at Miranda.

“Did you chew your oatmeal?” She snarked.

“No,” Miranda said as Thor raised his hammer. “Who chews oatmeal?”

“You’re going to wish you had.”

***

“Every day.” Miranda wheezed. Heimdall looked at her, not sure what to make of her. “Every day, from today until forever.” Clint handed her a handkerchief and looked a bit queasy himself. “Every day I will chew my oatmeal.” Shelby laughed, but it was cut short with a moan. 

“Thor, is this going to last forever?” She asked. Miranda had Clint’s bicep in a vice grip, trying to steady herself.

“What little inner ear I have left is doing gymnastics.” Miranda groaned. Clint sighed and put a hand on her back to steady her.

STOP-THROW UP? He asked her. She laughed at the sign for puke, as she’d never seen it before, but it couldn’t be more obvious. When she laughed, she realised that no, she wasn’t STOP-THROW UP. Clint held her a little away from himself and looked at Thor pleadingly.

“Midgardians just aren’t meant to travel the Bifrost.” He said brightly, shrugging.

“We probably should have skipped breakfast.” Alexa huffed and she and Leah helped each other off the floor. “Sorry.” She said to Heimdall. Heimdall gave her a long-suffering look.

“Let us go see my father,” Thor said, smiling. “He will want to meet you.”

By the time they all stood in front of ‘Odin’, most of the team had got their wits about them. Miranda was still nauseated, but she was pretending to hold it together. Clint was still gripping her, but neither was sure who was holding up who. 

“Father,” Thor started, smiling. He looked so genuine. “I came to introduce you to the four new members of my team in Midgard.” He stepped aside, naming each Casual Thief and a few things they were good at in battle. Thor had a way with making “shot a guy with a net arrow” sound like “save the entire planet with a shoelace”. ‘Odin’ nodded at each one with a blank, impartial face.

“Why have you brought them here?” He asked Thor after a beat of silence. 

“Because they are a part of my team. You chose to allow me to do the work that I needed to do in Midgard, so I wished to allow you to be a part of it. Midgard truly is amazing, Father, I-” Odin raised a hand.

“I know all I wish to know of Midgard through Heimdall.” He replied quietly. “Please, take these Midgardians and go.” Thor tilted his head and pulled a face, still playing his part. 

“But, Father,” He took a step forward and ‘Odin’ stood from his throne.

“You have a point, Thor.” He said, sending chills down Miranda’s spine. “Midgardians do not belong here. Guards,” He called. A look of panic struck Thor’s face. “Take them to the holding chamber.” Clint tried to nock an arrow, Miranda drew a pistol (Thomas’s pistol, who was currently tearing the Tower apart for it), and Alexa and Leah dropped into fighting stances, but the guards were too quick and strong. A loud snap indicated that Clint’s bow was now useless, a quieter snap indicated that Miranda’s gun wrist was now useless, and Alexa and Leah were quickly subdued and made submissive. Shelby, making a smart decision, went willingly. There were too many for Thor to throw around, but he managed to dispatch two before he was also brought to his knees. The last thing Miranda saw before she was dragged bodily down a dark passage was Odin’s eye flash a bright green.

 

***

They sat quietly in a cell. Miranda and Clint were shaking and pale, butted into a corner. Clint was gripping the hand that hadn’t been broken by a godling so tightly Miranda was losing feeling in her fingers. Alexa sat with her back to the outer glass wall, pretending to be asleep. Leah paced the length, and Shelby’s gaze flicked from person to person. Thor was in the cell across the hall, absolutely obliterating the place and roaring soundlessly. 

“Clint,” Miranda whispered. “Please, you have to stop squeezing so hard. You’ll break this one, too.” He didn’t move. Miranda’s teeth chattered together from the shock of her wrist. Her hand was at an odd angle where she cradled it to her chest. After a few controlled breaths, Clint carefully loosened his grip on her hand. He put one knee down and looked at her with glassy eyes.

“He knows.” He mouthed. Miranda’s eyebrows furrowed. Clint took a shaky breath. “He knows that we know. I feel it.” Miranda’s body went cold. She took Clint’s hand, shaking and clammy, back and slid closer to him. 

“Then he should also know I’m not afraid of him.” She whispered back with a gleam in her eye. The way that she was shaking and the cold sweat sticking her clothes to her back and her hair to her face said otherwise, but one resident smart ass was laid low. One side of Clint’s mouth twitched up in a half smile. 

“That’s right.” He said, breathing and nodding. “You’re right.” She looked up at the rest of the people in the room. Leah and Alexa were whispering at the wall, and Shelby had laid on her side.  “Maybe we should figure out how to splint that.” He said, carefully getting to his feet and pulling her upright. Alexa stood as well.

“Why does Thor get furniture but we don’t?” She threw her thumb over her shoulder at him. They all followed her gesture. 

“He’s really freaking out,” Leah said levelly. Shelby sat up and Alexa turned to look as well. He threw a table across the room, yelling incoherently, followed by an overstuffed armchair and a glass ornament. After a moment, the offending objects would fix themselves and appear right back where they were. They watched for another moment until Thor stopped dead in his tracks. He ran to the front of his cell, facing their cell, and began pounding on the barrier, shouting something. 

“What the-?” Clint said, stepping closer to the glass. Miranda and Clint picked up what Thor was shouting at the same time. They whipped around as they processed it. He was shouting:  _ BEHIND YOU. _

Bucky went to sit in Dr. Banner’s lab. Both of the men had a way of staying quiet but in a semi-friendly way. Bucky would sit and crawl around on Miranda’s tablet, reading the news and watching videos with headphones, and Banner would run tests on things that Bucky didn’t ask too many questions about. It was bliss. Today, however, Dr. Banner wasn’t present. Bucky raised an eyebrow at the empty lab, before shrugging and stealing Banner’s comfy spinny chair. He began to drag the chair over to where he usually sat when a few words jumped out of the computer screen at him.  _ Experiment  _ was one, but that’s what Banner’s job was.  _ Blood, mutagen, cell wall,  _ and  _ Patient M _ were the ones that he couldn’t explain away. What made him click the printer icon in the corner of the .pdf was the sentence  _ “The patient has lived in the Tower for only months, but already shows signs of gamma radiation.” _

When the team opened their eyes, they were in a cave. Arms and legs shackled to the walls. Clint on an altar of sorts in the centre. 

“He’s splitting us up,” Miranda said hoarsely when she noticed everyone was at least partially awake. “He’s doing this on purpose to freak us out. Don’t panic.” Clint gripped at the edges of the altar as he came to.

“What the hell happened,” Leah asked muzzily. 

“I think he knocked us out. Magic,” Miranda spat. “I fucking hate magic.” Shelby sighed and tried to relieve some of the tension on her wrists. 

“Fred,” She said urgently, as she just remembered something. “I have a hairpin holding my bangs back.” They contorted, prayed to the spirits of dead yogis to lend them  their flexibility, and may have even sprained a wrist in the process, but Miranda got ahold of the clip. The next monumental task was getting the pin to the shackle, then trying to unlock the shackle. Sweat beaded on Miranda’s forehead and the room was quiet. Watching. The pin slipped twice, causing her to swallow hard and breathe deep to steady her fingers, but after two more tries, it was clear that the pin was too weak for whatever Asgardian metal the shackles were made of. 

“Fuck me,” Miranda breathed. “Any other ideas?” Clint craned his neck to watch Miranda and Shelby try and pin Shelby’s bangs back. 

“Do you really need to be coiffed at a time like this?” He said shakily. Shelby leant her head in closer to Miranda and in reward, had some semblance of a hair-do restored. 

“What can I say? I want to leave a pretty corpse.” She said drily. Clint barked out a humourless laugh and Miranda rolled her eyes. 

“He wouldn’t kill us,” She said, with no real evidence as to why. 

“No, he’ll just mindwipe you and make you drool on yourself,” Clint said, pulling on each restraint as hard as he could. Leah and Alexa were looking pretty pale on the other side of Clint’s altar. “We need to make sure he doesn’t get his hands on you guys. He will climb all around in there and know all of our dirty secrets.” 

They each worried in their own way for what felt like years. Miranda didn’t stop talking. Shelby wouldn’t talk. Leah discussed the logistics of breaking her own hands. Alexa tried to fall asleep, but it was difficult to do in the odd half-sitting, half-standing configuration they were in. Clint was completely still other than a few steady rises and falls of his chest. 

When their status changed, it changed big time. 

Thor wheeled in the mouth of the cave with ‘Odin’ hot on his heels, only to hit an invisible wall while ‘Odin’ walked straight past him. 

“You will not harm a hair on their heads!” Thor boomed, slamming Mjolnir against the barrier. ‘Odin’ turned into Loki, who looked almost as furious as Thor. 

“You had no idea what you were doing when you brought them here!” Loki shouted back, gesturing to the floor with a shaking hand. “You had no idea what I was trying to do for this kingdom. I doubt you even cared what you could have done to the kingdom!” He whirled on his captives while Thor pounded on the forcefield. “And what about you people?” He spat. 

“That’s pretty vague,” Miranda said, her eyes boring into his. “You’ll have to be more specific.” Loki’s face coloured and he strode toward her. She tried not to flinch, but nearly swallowed her own tongue when he grabbed Shelby by her cheeks. 

“Please,” Loki scoffed. “Like I haven’t seen your type before.” 

“You really, really want to let her go,” Miranda growled. She wrenched forward on her chains fruitlessly. 

“No, what I really, really want to do is get you people out of my kingdom,” Loki replied, mocking Miranda’s voice in a simper. “We were well on our way to healing the damage wrought by my darling brother.”

“What about the damage done by you?” Alexa said, causing Loki to turn and let go of Shelby. There were white fingerprints left on her cheeks. Thor had switched to smashing

away at the wall of the cavern, but when he heard her question, he stopped and came to hear Loki’s response. Loki regarded her warily. 

"My priority has always been Asgard.” He said, seemingly aged in just a few moments. “At first, I tried behaving like Thor. I thought if Father saw me being the very picture of a future king, he would understand. He didn’t. Then I tried rebellion.” He sighed, shifting to talk to Thor. “If he wouldn’t see the truth, then he’d damn well hear it.” He wiped a hand down his face. “Now, I’m trying penance.” 

“Nice try,” Miranda said angrily. “But this sure as hell doesn’t feel like penance to me.” Loki snarled, wheeling back to her.

“You just don’t get it, do you? The crown prince strolls back home with Midgardians in tow, coming to tell tales of how much fun he’s having on Earth,” He took two quick steps to the head of Clint’s confines and grabs him by the hair, pulling his head up. Clint snarls in both pain and fear, but Loki is louder. “With these people, rather than ruling Asgard as Father wished.” He dropped Clint’s head, and Miranda began to feel her pulse in her ears and throat. “Now Father looks like a fool. He looks like he’s allowed his only son to throw the needs of the realm into his father’s face.” He grits out. Clint is hyperventilating, and Thor is standing menacingly with a hand on the forcefield. “Father is illegitimised.” Loki spreads his hands and begins to walk away from Clint. “The realm sees no reason to follow such a weak leader.”

“Brother,” Thor interrupts. His eyes look like the thunderstorms he creates, but his voice sounds like he’s been wounded. “Why wouldn’t you tell me your plan? I would have followed it to the letter if it meant what was best for Asgard.”

“When have you ever listened to me, Thor?” Loki says incredulously. “Better yet, when have you ever listened to Father without proving him right first?” Thor stood silent for a moment. “I cannot let you go unpunished.” He said quietly. 

“The hell you can’t!” Miranda said, yanking her restraints harder. On some level, she knew her wrist was probably dust, but she couldn’t feel it. Clint had shrunk as far away from Loki as possible, his eyes seeing something cold and blue that wasn’t there anymore. “We’ll get the hell out of dodge and you won’t hear from us again. You can say you killed us for all I care.” Loki shook his head slowly and touched Clint’s leg. 

“You’ve forced my hand.” Thor screamed something indecipherable as Alexa and Leah turned away from Loki and Clint. Shelby yelled something that could’ve been ‘Stop’, and all in the same heartbeat, Miranda lurched forward. By some grace of gods Miranda hadn’t met yet, the restraints popped. She didn’t have time to thank them, because she was on her feet and barrelling toward Loki. The shock must’ve given him a magical hiccup because Thor was a step behind Miranda and gaining fast. Clint was screaming, but Loki was off of his feet and Miranda was on top of him within the next heartbeat. Then Miranda was in the air, and Mjolnir was on Loki’s chest. There was a breath of silence before Miranda fought to get free just as hard, if not harder than Loki did, and Shelby, Alexa, and Leah were shouting some words that were probably English, and over the din, Thor bellowed, “ENOUGH!”

Silence blanketed the cave, punctured by a shuddering breath from Clint. 

“Brother, we will leave as we came,” Thor said tautly. “Miranda, if I put you down, you will not attack again, or you will regret it.” She went limp and accepted her fate. “I will release the rest of my team and we will go.” Loki glared at him venomously.

“I hope you’re happy, Thor,” He spat. Thor did not reply. He set to popping the rest of the shackles. Miranda took Clint under his arm. He was favouring the leg Loki had latched onto, and Miranda shot him a withering glare. 

“Go to Heimdall. I will meet you shortly.” Thor said, looking like he’d aged millennia. 


	26. The One with the Crazy News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damn these damn genetics.

They returned stateside within moments of Thor reaching Heimdall. 

“I am sorry, old friend.” Heimdall had said with a mournful look on his face. “We will see each other again.” Thor smiled tautly and slapped his shoulder.

“Of course we will. Thank you, Heimdall.” 

When their boots hit the ground on Tony’s landing pad, Miranda immediately hit her knees and retched. 

“Are you alright?” Thor asked, kneeling. When Miranda was done, he put a hand on her shoulder and she sat back on her heels. “Let’s get you inside. We need to talk.”

“I think my wrist is broken.” It was swollen beyond what she figured was healthy and already purple. 

“We’ll see Bruce first, then,” Thor said gently. They walked into the Tower. Bucky was sitting with Clint on the couch, and they were speaking in murmurs. Miranda caught Bucky saying that they’d talk later, and Clint looked up at Thor.

“Her wrist is broken,” Clint said, looking drained and out of it. Thor nodded.

“Is Bruce around?” That caused a visceral reaction in Bucky, who stood up and went to say something. Thor furrowed his brow at him and Bucky gaped for a second.

“I’ll take Miranda over to him. Is anybody else hurt?” He said, covering for his strange reaction quickly. The team shook their heads. “Okay, well Steve should be back shortly, and Tony was in a meeting but I texted him anyway.”

“We’ll give you the full story when you get back,” Shelby promised. Bucky nodded at her and looped an arm around Miranda. 

They rounded the bend toward the elevator and Bucky stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out a sticky note, cupping it in his hand, and showed it to Miranda while he hit the button for Bruce’s floor.

MEET ME ON THE ROOF AFTER SEEING THE DOC.

 

***

“Miranda?” Bruce breathed when she and Bucky walked through the door. “What happened?”

“We ended up getting made by Loki.” Miranda murmured. The pain was getting to her now and her head was beginning to feel woozy. “A guard snapped my wrist. And Clint’s bow.”

“Oh man. Wonder if we’ll have to put it in a cast.” Bruce said wryly. “The bow. Your wrist definitely needs a cast.” Miranda groaned as the three walked to the med centre. 

“I better go check on Clint, see if he’s going to have a funeral for it,” Bucky said, falsely cheery. Miranda wanted to assume it was because everything had gone to hell in a handbasket, but the covert sticky note may have said otherwise. 

“Alright. I’ve got Miranda. Anybody else coming down for a check up?” Bruce asked.

“No, I’m the only one who got really manhandled. I mean, Clint got his leg in a grip from Loki and so did Shelby’s face, but I don’t know if they were hurt or if they were scared.” Bruce’s face darkened.

“You think Clint’s alright?” Miranda paused.

“I don’t know. I hope he’ll be alright with Bucky till I get there.” 

To nobody’s shock, she begged for her cast to be purple. They obliged, and Bruce gave her a silver Sharpie from his marker stash.

“Why do you have a million markers?” She asked, already doodling on the cast. Her arm wasn’t too sore now that they pumped her full of pain medication to set it. 

“For marking things,” Bruce said, shrugging. Miranda belly laughed. 

“I wish I could bathe, but everybody wants to talk to me.” She groaned. “Maybe if I stink enough, they’ll leave me alone.” Bruce chuckled. 

“What’s more likely, though, is they’ll sit on the floor outside your bathroom and try to hold a conversation.” He said. She gave him a finger gun and pumped her eyebrows.

“Try is the operative word here, guy, because my hearing aids are not waterproof.” Bruce chuckled at her and shook his head. 

“You are such a dork,” He said, laughing. They made it back to the common area, where Clint was still sitting. Bruce jerked his head at the archer and made himself scarce.

“Hey, man,” Miranda said, sitting down on the couch with him. “Come up to the roof with me. We’ll get some air.” 

 

***

 

Bucky pulled some papers out of his sweatpants pocket and unfolded them. He was pacing back and forth, running fingers through his hair. All this morning was spent wrestling with what he found and if he should share it. On one hand, betraying Bruce was loathsome, detestable even, but on the other, he felt like he would be betraying Miranda, Shelby, Leah and Alexa if they weren’t told about what Bruce was doing.

Miranda took the papers and began to read.

After the first few paragraphs, her eyes widened and she kept looking from Bucky back to the papers. She was handing finished sheets to Clint, who was seated with his legs dangling off the side of the building. Bucky was very close to him, within grabbing distance, should the stupid ass get woozy. 

“Wow.” Was all she had to say. “And this is definitely us?” Bucky rolled his eyes.

“Who else came here in the last few months and could possibly be ‘Patient S’, ‘Patient A’, ‘Patient L’, and ‘Patient M’?” He snarked.

“I’m just… Processing, I guess. This is crazy.” Clint had hopped down from the railing and had begun to pace. “I don’t know whether to feel betrayed because he’s testing on us or thrilled that we could be mutants,” She said, putting her head in her hands.

“Well, what do we do?” Clint asked, finally sitting down next to Miranda and bumping shoulders with her. Miranda stared through the paper.

“I think the girls might freak the fuck out. Firstly, they’re mutating, and secondly, somebody we trusted is doing experiments on us. And we’re aliens.” She said, rubbing her temples. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“Did you read to the end?” Bucky asked. She looked back down and continued reading.

The last page, the last paragraph, dated the day before they left to Asgard read: 

“Not quite sure, but we think Patient S is nearing mutation. Last sample acquired by TS shows changed DNA. Will require further testing.” Miranda snagged the other pages back from Clint and handed him the last three pages. TS wasn’t anywhere else in the document, but Miranda had an idea what it stood for.

“Tony,” Clint said, wiping his face. “Of course.” 

“So, what do we do?” Bucky asked, sitting on the other side of Miranda. “My vote is, we go to Steve, then Shelby, Alexa and Leah.” Miranda nodded, but Bucky eyed her up and down. 

“Did you shower yet?” Clint asked. “Or eat food?” Miranda shook her head. 

“Neither did you,” Bucky said. “Both of you, go shower. I’ll get JARVIS to order you something hot, and then we’ll round up the troops.” Bucky rolled the papers and put them back in his sweatpants pocket. 

 

***

 

When Miranda got downstairs, she considered the evils of having to plastic wrap her arm and chose to get a bath instead. It’d probably also do wonders for how sore she was. While she was soaking in the tub, she considered what happened earlier that day. She had gone toe to toe with a bloody Asgardian and she wasn’t dead.

By a hair's’ breadth, but still kicking. 

She couldn’t get the look of shock on Loki’s face out of her mind. Were those manacles so old they were no match for her angry muscles? Maybe there was a fault in the stone they were anchored to. As she reached to dump more of somebody else’s rose scented Epson salts into the tub, she figured she’d ask Thor or Leah, who was right across from her and watched it happen.

 

***

 

“Captain, I am certain there is something afoot here. Those shackles were made of the finest Asgardian metal. I would have a hard time breaking out of them, let alone a small Midgardian woman.” Steve pinched the bridge of his nose.

“We’ll talk to her when she gets out of the shower,” Steve said. He was still in his workout clothes. Tony had rushed in two minutes ago, still in his suit, with his tie loosened. He was now leaning against the breakfast bar, looking between the two blondes.

“Tony, what say you?” Thor said, walking toward him. Steve looked up at Tony expectantly. Tony let out a long sigh.

“Let’s get ahold of Bruce.”

 

***

 

Miranda walked into the common area, texting Clint, to find everyone already there. Shelby, Leah and Alexa sat at the breakfast bar, digging into the Chinese that Bucky had ordered. Bucky and Clint leant against the countertop across from them, and Natasha sat in the corner on the counter. Her body language was relaxed, but you could tell that she was listening to what Miranda affectionately called The Big Four in the living room. Tony was perched on the arm of Bruce’s chair while Bruce was leant forward, forearms on top of knees. Thor was sprawled on a loveseat, and Steve was sitting on the couch. They were talking quietly, but the pressure in Steve’s jaw could bend rebar, and Thor looked ready to pounce. Bruce looked so, so tired, and Tony was wearing his mask of the unapologetic asshole.

“What’s going on in there?” Miranda asked, even though she had an idea.

“They read the reports as well,” Bucky said, waving chopsticks at the ladies across from him. “Everybody thinks it’s pretty much bullshit.” 

“What, the science? It looked like it checked out, pretty much, didn’t you guys have to take gen--” Miranda began, making grabby hand at a container of lo mein. 

“No, the fact that they were experimenting on you?” Clint said with a raised eyebrow. “Don’t tell me that doesn’t bother you.” Miranda shrugged.

“I trust Bruce and Tony.” She said simply. “Not like everything they say goes, but far enough for them to swab my cheek and do whatever.” 

“But swabbing their cheeks and doing whatever?” Bucky asked, jerking his chin at Miranda’s roommates. 

“Well,” Miranda sputtered, and Natasha smiled at her.

“It’s alright, солнышко. We’re all just going to talk.” She said. Miranda stared into the middle distance, and figured that calling whatever this was going to be ‘talking’ was equivocal to calling the entirety of New York City ‘a little urban’. Clint laughed at Miranda’s face and his bark brought Miranda back to the present.

“I’m with her. This is going to get ugly.” Clint said. Bucky nodded and Shelby put her head on the counter forlornly.

“I can hear his blood pressure from here,” Alexa grumbled. Miranda laughed and leant next to Bucky, who put an elbow on her shoulder to tease her.

“I don’t have that problem.” She said with a wink. Alexa rolled her eyes and Shelby chuckled. Bucky nudged her jaw gently with his elbow, and she looked toward the living room. Tony was walking into the kitchen.

“Okay, clearly we have a few things to tell you.” He said, looking down at the floor and rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Firstly, that we’re sorry,” Bruce said, looking only mostly sorry. “But we were afraid, knowing you four, that you would get excited and if what we suspected was happening wasn’t actually happening, you’d be heartbroken.” From the look on Shelby and Alexa’s face, they didn’t expect that explanation. Leah and Miranda nodded slowly.

“Okay, fair.” Miranda conceded. “I’m mostly concerned about the results, not really the test. I feel like you still should have said something, but I see your point. I pout enough as it is.” She joked, hoping to ease the tension in Steve’s shoulders. His eyes crinkled a little, but there was no visible change in how tense he was. 

“Honestly, though, we need to mitigate that a bit,” Tony cracked, crossing his arms. “I’m the Pouter-in-Chief here, and I didn’t give you permission to be VP.” 

“Tony,” Steve said tiredly. Tony nodded, getting his ‘serious business’ face back on.

“Our findings so far,” Tony said a beat later, eyeing Shelby, “Is that we don’t know what we found.” 

“Come  _ on _ ,” Alexa groaned.

“No, really,” Bruce started. “It looks like your DNA is actually being changed, but we only know that your gamma radiation coefficient has been going up steadily and we aren’t sure of anything else.” Miranda squinted. 

“Okay, so we’re being irradiated?” Bruce nodded.

“Yes and no. When you first got here, we did a quick body scan to make sure you weren’t going to give us an off-world flu bug or something else we didn’t have antibodies to fight off. We found that your gamma radiation to be much, much lower than our base level, and actually most people’s base level in this universe.” Bruce paused and looked around. Everybody was listening intently, so he went on. “Gamma radiation comes from space, so everybody and everything gets a bit of it. There are other sources, such as radioactive isotopes, and being the nut I am, I practically emit gamma radiation. Steve’s is pretty high, and Thor’s is really, really high because you can get gamma radiation from lightning strikes as well.” Thor made a small grimace and nodded. “But you guys came in with practically zero gamma radiation. Even Pepper has some kind of radiation damage, and she lives the phrase ‘Your body is a temple’.” Miranda had this look on her face like she was trying to move her food to her mouth with her mind.

“I smell smoke,” Clint joked, nudging Miranda. 

“I think I know what’s up?” Miranda said, saying that like a question. “Okay, so I wanted to be a scientist back home,” She said, nodding slowly. “In AP Chemistry, we talked about radiation, and I think gamma radiation was the one that couldn’t get through the atmosphere.” Alexa nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I was in Gen Chem II in school last year, and I think you’re right,” Alexa said. Bruce considered this for a moment.

“I mean, that would explain how most of you guys lack an X-gene.” Miranda nodded.

“When you looked at it at first, did we have an X-gene?” Bruce nodded slowly.

“You guys had the gene that we would label an X-gene, but it was turned off, so to say. Not making proteins or really doing anything. As your gamma radiation levels rose, some of your X-genes began to change and start to become active. Radiation damages DNA, so it makes sense that it would change.” Miranda nodded slowly.

“This is the coolest thing ever. You guys documented this properly, right?” Bruce nodded, giving her an odd look.

“Yeah, I mean--” Miranda cut him off.

“You’re never going to get another chance at watching this happen, man, so I mean like  _ properly _ . Like could you publish this work?” Bruce’s eyes lit up.

“Yes, yes, we documented everything. It’s been so long that I’ve been doing work that I can’t  _ not  _ document everything. Doesn’t feel like an experiment without it,” Bruce said, rambling.

“You’d let us publish it?” Tony said, furrowing his brow.

“Write up a publishing agreement for me to sign. No names, but yeah. Let’s get this into the community. Think about it. You guys are the first to ever study a group of people who have had little to no gamma radiation. You might have just discovered the source of the X-gene.” She had set down her food and was grinning widely. 

“Wait, wait, wait,” Steve said, holding up a hand. “What about these guys?” He gestured to the rest of the aliens in attendance.

“I’m cool with it, just as long as my identity is safe,” Shelby said, after a beat. 

“Yeah, I mean, nobody will know it us, right?” Alexa said.

“But who else is there hanging around the Tower as of recently? With context clues alone, they’ll know it’s us.” Leah said, leaning back in her chair.

“Does it matter if they know?” Miranda asked. “I’m not arguing with you, just wondering.” She qualified.

“Aren’t people kinda racist against mutants sometimes?” Shelby asked dubiously. “If there’s genetic proof out there that we are mutants, and the media puts two and two together that it’s us, couldn’t there be some backlash?” 

“Okay, but it’s bullshit that people are racist against mutants, and when has it literally ever gone well that people hide their mutant powers?” Miranda said, looking at Shelby.

“That’s pretty fair.” She thought back to all of the X-Men comics she’s read, and nearly everyone that hid their powers ended up in a good old-fashioned bind of the highest order.

“If we’re actually mutants, we’ve gotta embrace it. Imagine the good PR we could generate for Charles!” Miranda pressed. “Before we do anything crazy, we should talk to him. He’s practically mutant Gandhi.” 

“Okay,” Tony said, drawing out the last syllable. 

“Thieves, a vote?” Miranda proposed. “Gotta be unanimous.” The four nodded. Miranda pointed at Clint, Bucky and Natasha. “Be our witnesses.” The four stood up and faced away from each other, indicating that they had done this many times before such that they had a protocol for votes. 

“All in favour of publishing?” Miranda said, raising her hand at the same time. Shelby’s hand went up right after, with Alexa’s hand shortly after. Leah considered for a few moments, then raised her hand. Bucky caught Miranda’s eye and gave a thumbs up, signalling that everyone’s hands were up. “Any conditions with an aye?” 

“Aye,” Leah said immediately. They all turned to face each other.

“What’s up?” Miranda said, a little flushed with excitement.

“I’ll only sign if we talk to Professor X and get all the ramifications first. I’m nervous about letting everybody know that we’re aliens  _ and  _ mutants. That’s asking to get shot in a pizza place.” Leah said, spreading her hands.

“Alright. Alright.” Miranda said, then looked to Tony expectantly. He was flabbergasted. 

“Wow. Okay, that was all weirdly organised, for you people.” He said. “I’d be glad to publish under those conditions.” He said. 

“Are we writing this up legally?” Miranda said, picking up her food again. “Not that I don’t trust you or anything, I just want every ass covered in case of emergency. Or media.” Tony nodded, already typing away on his Stark Pad.

“Jarvis, get Pepper on the line please,” Tony asked, wandering away. Miranda raised an eyebrow at his retreating back. Bruce chuckled.

“Looks like that’s a yes.” He said. “I really appreciate this, guys. I hope we all won’t regret it.” He motioned after Tony. “I should…”

“Yeah, go get your science bro. We’ll be here.” Miranda chuckled.

After Bruce had left, Natasha hopped down from her perch.

“That was a very nice thing for you guys to do. You handled that well.” She complimented. Miranda looked at her suspiciously.

“What were you planning on doing?” She asked, after biting into a piece of chicken.

“Whatever needed doing. You had it under control.” Natasha teased. Miranda shrugged.

“As under control as you can get with Tony,” She scoffed. Natasha laughed and Clint choked on his rice.

“You know us pretty well,” Natasha said as she left. Clint shook his head as he sipped his water, trying to dislodge the rice from his throat.

“I didn’t expect that,” Bucky said, looking around, bewildered. “What made you decide on that?” He asked the group.

“Well, I mean, it’s only right,” Miranda mumbled around noodles. Clint glared at her, and she chewed and swallowed while signing SORRY. “It’s the right thing to do,” She repeated, free of noodles. 

“Miranda, I’d like to chat with you for a moment,” Thor finally said, looking at her expectantly. She set down her noodles again, looking at them wistfully, and followed Thor outside onto the balcony.

“Sure is pretty this high up,” Miranda said. “You can’t smell the garbage from here.” Thor chuckled and stood next to her. 

“When you met my brother,” He began, without preamble. “How did you break through those chains?” His eyebrows were raised and he looked genuinely perplexed. 

“I dunno. I saw him grab Clint… The way Clint was screaming, I guess I just panicked.” Thor nodded slowly.

“I think you’ve more strength than you think, Miranda. I would personally have to strain to break those chains and it took you mere moments to break free. Not only that, but you took my brother to the ground and made him bleed. That’s quite a bit more than panic.” Thor jutted his hip against the bannister and crossed his arms. Miranda cooked that in her mind for awhile, tried to remember if she had felt any differently. 

“Do you think that’s my mutation?” She asked, looking at him with sparkling eyes. 

“I can’t be sure,” Thor said, after a beat. “My only advice is to be weary with any and all embraces.” He said, spreading one hand out in front of him. “Humans are quite a bit more fragile than I expected.”


	27. The One With Flameo Hotman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wouldn't be a normal day for the Casual Thieves unless something was on fire.

The team decided to put visiting Charles Xavier off by communicating through standard e-mail, rather than using brains. Miranda pouted, but only for about an hour until Clint and Bucky offered to go shooting with her.

“With a bum arm?” She said, raising an eyebrow.

“We’ll work on pistols today.” Clint promised. She grinned. 

“Pistols! Great!” She exclaimed. When she asked Alexa if she wanted to come, Alexa shook her head.

“Pistols make me a bit nervous,” She explained. Leah enthusiastically bounded off of the couch to come with, but Shelby didn’t answer her door.

“She’s probably sleeping.” Leah said and Miranda agreed. “Let’s let her sleep it off.” They left her to rest and went downstairs with Clint and Bucky.

The guys walked everybody through shooting, but unfortunately, it was discovered that Miranda shot with her left hand. The one that was broken.

“JARVIS?” She asked. “Would it actually hurt progress if I were to shoot this gun?” She gestured to it.

“Vital scans show yes. You still have two weeks to go until the bone is healed at this rate, miss.” Miranda blinked and scratched her head.

“Two weeks?” She looked at Clint. “Bruce said it would be way longer than that, right?” He baulked.

“Yeah, I think so? Do we want to go talk to Bruce about it?” Miranda nodded. She looked at Bucky questioningly. She wasn’t sure if he was still pissed at Bruce and Tony on their behalf.

“You guys go ahead. I’ll stick here and we’ll finish shooting.” Bucky offered. Miranda nodded, knowing he was still pissed.

When they got upstairs, Clint knocked on the doorframe of the lab.

“Hey. What’s up?” Bruce said as he looked up from his computer. He was typing with one hand and holding a tablet on another.

“So I went downstairs to go shooting with Clint,” Bruce glared and went to say something. “I didn’t actually do it because JARVIS said it would set back my healing process. But he said I had two weeks left with the cast on. Didn’t the guys at the Med Center say something like five weeks?”

“Right. JARVIS must’ve gotten a bad scan.” Bruce said, waving a hand. 

“But what about the foot?” Miranda asked and Clint nodded. This wouldn’t be the first time Miranda baffled science.

“The foot healed in like, a week,” Clint said, furrowing his brow. “This makes no sense.” Bruce sat back in his chair, remembering the leg break from the blast. He saved his document and shut his laptop.

“Let’s go get that checked out, alright? Just in case.” 

* * *

The three of them made it over to the Med Center and Bruce chatted with the nurse for a few minutes.

“Clint?” Miranda asked, after a few minutes alone. The archer looked at her over his phone. He had dark circles under his eyes and jumped at a few noises that Miranda couldn’t discern earlier. “You okay?” She asked. Clint frowned and locked his phone, looking to his lap.

“You’re the one whose arm is broken and you want to ask me if I’m alright.” He said flatly after looking back up. “I’m just… Loki,” He started. “I knew when I chose to go with you guys that we’d probably run into him.” Miranda nodded a few times, feeling terrible.

“I’m sorry I put you in that position.” She said, bumping him with her shoulder. He squinted at her.

“You didn’t make me go,” He said, shaking his head incredulously. “I went because I was nervous you’d do something stupid, sure, but you didn’t even ask me to go.” She nodded a few times and he bumped her back. “I’d have to face him eventually.” He said tightly.

“That’s not true. He’s an alien. You could have literally never seen him again.” Miranda said, chuckling.

“You’re an alien, and I have to see you all the time,” Clint said, grinning crookedly. Miranda had no argument to this, so she chose to mess up his hair. “Aw, come on,” He chuckled. 

By the time the nurse had the machine ready, Clint had Miranda’s hair tie and Miranda was threatening Clint’s Starkpad with her cast, hair wild and free.

“Ohhh-kay,” The nurse drawled. “Let’s get you scanned, alright?” 

They put her arm in this little box that flashed a few lights. Miranda could see the nurses behind their window making all kinds of weird faces. When they were done waggling eyebrows and pointing at the screen, one came to liberate her.

“The good news is, you’re allowed to come out of the cast. The bad news is, you broke this yesterday and this is definitely not normal.” The doctor said to her and Clint. The man had a moustache and was what Miranda called a serial mumbler, so Clint was signing for her. The doctor eyed Clint wearily, as he knew he wasn’t really supposed to be there.

“That’s not bad news,” Miranda scoffed. “Get this thing off of me.” Clint gave her a look that was basically non-verbally reading her the riot act. “Please?” Clint rolled his eyes, but the doctor had already left. Miranda was about to explain herself when the fire alarm light began blinking over Clint’s head.

“Uh,” She said, pointing. He grabbed her hand and they hurried out the door. “Goddamn it,” she swore, looking at the cast. Clint snorted.

“JARVIS, where’s the fire coming from?” Clint asked as they paraded out into the hallway with the rest of the Med Center staff.

“Upstairs, sir. From the suites.” He said calmly. Miranda and Clint looked at each other for a mere second before they both bounded up the stairs. It was seven floors until they reached the floors that everybody lived on, and Miranda got to show off her back-pocket-card-reader skills she cultivated during freshman year on the door lock. At first, Miranda thought that she was sweating from climbing all those damn stairs, but once they opened the door, she realised it was because their floor was a fucking tragedy. She saw Steve and Bucky from across the floor.

“Guys!” She shouted.

“What are you doing here?! Get out!” Bucky shouted at her. She shook her head.

“Is everybody safe?” She asked the stupid question. They wouldn’t be standing here if they were. 

“It’s Shelby,” Bucky shouted. Miranda’s stomach dropped. 

“Clint, stay here,” She said, pushing past him and into the flames.

“Holy shit,” He yelped, making a grab for her. She hissed as she felt the fire, but she quickly made it to where Bucky and Steve were standing. Clint was on her heels, hair smouldering. They were looking down the hallway at what appeared to be the world’s hottest bedroom. The flames burned blue from the hallway, and Miranda felt her hair sizzling as she ran to the sink. She used the cast to turn on the red-hot sink and she sprayed herself down, then Clint, then Steve, then Bucky.

“Leave the arm,” He said bitterly.

“And she’s in there?” Miranda asked, voice wavering. Clint grabbed the fire extinguisher from under the sink. It was small, but there was a Stark logo on the side, so Miranda wasn’t underestimating it. Bucky bobbed his head. “Let’s go.”

Clint handed the fire extinguisher to one of the super soldiers and fell behind Miranda.

“Shelby?” Steve shouted over the roaring flames. There was a wordless shout in response as he sprayed the hallway down with an exorbitant amount of white powder. He unloaded into the bedroom, but the flames kept coming.

“The source is in there,” Bucky shouted. “I’m going in-” Miranda pushed past him in a flash, diving into the flames. She saw Shelby sitting on her bed, arms wrapped around her. Her bed was on fire, but she appeared unharmed. Miranda ignored how badly everything was beginning to hurt and dove over to the bed and scooped her up. She was sobbing something, but Miranda couldn’t hear over the fire and the pain. The fire extinguisher was trying its best in the doorway, and Miranda leapt for the relief. 

_ “It’s me,” _ Shelby was sobbing. Miranda didn’t understand fully, so she repeated.  _ “I’m the fire. I’m doing this.”  _ She was hyperventilating. Miranda set her down and Steve took both of the sides of Shelby’s face in her hands. Miranda went to her knees. Steve was murmuring something to Shelby, and as she calmed down, Miranda felt the heat being sucked out of the room. Clint and Bucky helped her to her feet. 

“Gotta get out of here, Cap,” Clint called and Steve picked Shelby up. Clint helped Miranda get on Bucky’s back as it was evident she was a bit out of it. They rushed down the stairs as Miranda and Shelby both faded in and out of consciousness for varied reasons. Miranda remembered a snatch of conversation between Bucky and Bruce, for some reason, but not what was said. A rough ride in a bed. Stinging arms. A loud grinding noise. Pain, pain, pain.

* * *

 

She came to an undetermined amount of time later. It was dark. She was parched. When she tried to sit up, a metal hand put a small amount of pressure on her chest. 

“Don’t,” Bucky said sharply. He poured her a glass of water and used the remote for the bed to help her sit up. He held the straw up for her, face unreadable. 

“What-” She started when he pulled the glass away.

“You scared the shit out of all of us.” He said angrily. Miranda blinked, taken aback. He set down the glass and crossed his arms, then wiped his hand down his face. “I know what you were doing.” 

“What was I doing?” Miranda asked after a beat.

“You were downstairs a minute before the fire, trying to figure out if you had mutant healing powers,” Bucky spat the word ‘mutant’ like it insulted his saint of a mother. “You were testing them.” 

“What?” She asked, incredulously. She caught most of that, but Bucky started signing stiltedly anyway. 

YOU-TRY He squinted, then rolled his eyes at himself. M-U-T-A-N-T-HEAL. Bucky grouchily made a mental note to pester both Stark about the new hearing aids he was working on and Clint about teaching him more ASL. Miranda was shocked that he knew any ASL. She shook her head empathetically and held up both hands.

HELP-S-H-E-L-B-Y. She signed back at the same speed that he signed to her. SHE-OK? Bucky sighed and ran his hands through his hair. The fight looked like it was taken out of him. He sat next to her legs carefully.

SHE-M-U-T-A-T-E. He said simply. FIRE. Miranda nodded a few times, letting it sink in. With a start, she looked at her arms. She had watched the skin bubble and turn black. Now, there were puckered scars that made their hasty retreat as she watched. 

ME-M-U-T-A-T-E? She asked incredulously. Bucky laughed, shaking his head. 

OBVIOUSLY. He signed, rolling his eyes. She heard what was probably a laugh from her right, and saw Clint hovering in the doorway.

YOU-OK? She asked him, and Bucky rolled his eyes again. He was good at that.

“Didn’t ask me that,” He grumbled. Clint laughed, then repeated what Bucky said. 

“You were clearly fine. And you’re a super soldier.” Miranda said. Her throat hurt, probably from smoke. “Wait, how come…” She stuttered, furrowing her brow. Clint raised an eyebrow at her and waited. He had large, white bandages on his arms and neck, and his hair was a bit shorter. Bucky and Clint shared a look as Miranda sorted some stuff out in her brain. “If I’ve got super healing,” She started, looking between Bucky and Clint trepidatiously. “Why can’t I hear?”

“We’re not sure,” Clint said and signed. “Tony and Bruce are on the case. Just texted Cap and the rest of the girls to see if they wanted to come down.” 

“Well,” Miranda started, peeling the rest of the bandages. Bucky growled and put his hand over hers but she shook it off. “They itch.” She said plainly. 

“You itch me, don’t see me complainin’,” He groused. She grinned toothily at him and watched with mild shock as the very last of the scarring crept its way up her arms. 

“That’s freaky.” She said, detached. Like it wasn’t her body doing the freaky thing. Bucky patted her leg with a faraway look in his eye.

“You’ll get used to it.” She nodded and gulped. Clint waved to somebody in the doorway, and Miranda followed his gaze. Steve, with his hands in his pockets and an unreadable expression, lead Alexa and Leah into the room.

“We gotta quit meeting like this,” Alexa quipped, at the same time Leah purred, “Fancy meeting you here,”. Miranda laughed with them as the guys rolled their eyes at each other. Steve waved at Miranda to get her attention.

“Did you know that you had mutated?” He asked, steely resolve in his eyes. She wasn’t sure which answer would be worse.

“I had a pretty good idea when they said that the scans on my arm were way ahead of what they should be,” She answered honestly. Steve nodded a few times. 

“You had no idea the extent of what you had.” He stated.

“I had no idea Shelby wasn’t a charcoal briquette,” Miranda argued. Steve nodded, accepting that as a point.

“There are some of us who knew they could probably walk away from that.” He argued back, gesturing to Bucky. Miranda shrugged one shoulder.

“Probably. Didn’t even think of somebody else going in there.” She stated. Steve furrowed his brows at her.

“There were three other people standing there. You didn’t even take the fire extinguisher.” He said incredulously.

“I wasn’t thinking about getting back out.” She said drily. “I just knew I had to get in.” Steve looked exasperated. 

“Steve. Lay off,” Bucky said, breaking the weird volley the two had going on. “C’mon, let’s go get Tony and Bruce.” He gestured to Steve, who followed him into the hallway woodenly. When the door shut, there was a beat.

“Was that weird for anybody else?” Miranda asked, itching her neck. “Just me?”

* * *

 

“She has no self-preservation,” Steve spat. “It’s like she doesn’t even care if she lives or dies.” Bucky raised an eyebrow at him.

“This coming from a guy who genuinely thought using a trash can lid in a fight would be a good idea.” He replied flatly. That shut Steve right up. “You’re just mad that she does a better job of the righteous martyr than you do.” Steve’s face soured, but he made no argument. “She’s their team’s version of you. You gotta let her take care of her team. How pissed would you be if somebody put themselves between you and Tony?” 

“Tony’s a grown man that can handle himself,” Steve said in a measured tone of voice.

“You and me?” Bucky asked, more quietly. 

“We already know what would happen if somebody put themselves between you and me,” Steve said as he jabbed the elevator button. Bucky chuckled. They reached Tony and Bruce’s lab in companionable silence.

“Hey, Tony,” Steve called. “Miranda just woke up. Did you all find anything with that last test?” Tony turned around and flung some data into mid-air. Bucky would never, ever get used to that and Steve had his doubts as well. 

“Yeah. Miranda was low-key mutated for a while. We just didn’t really notice because it was so small of a change.” Bruce supplied. Tony highlighted two points on the bundles of proteins displayed.

“See?” He said helpfully.

“Oh yeah, loads,” Bucky grumbled. Tony grinned at him and shrugged.

“Suit yourself. Pepper’s handling the upstairs disaster while we finish figuring out a way to keep Shelby safe.” He supplied.

“What happened?” Steve asked.

“Nat found out that she was having a nightmare and ended up lighting her bed on fire,” Bruce said. Steve sighed.

“That’s terrifying.” He stated. “Anything we can do to stop her from taking down the entire block if Clint or Miranda drops out of a ceiling vent too quickly?”

“We explored a few options, but seeing as humans and fire run on the same thing, it’s been a little hard.” Tony quipped. “Short of flooding the whole Tower, we figure the best thing we can do is get her to control her emotions.” 

“Good thing she’s got an expert nearby,” Steve said, grinning at Bruce.

“How convenient, right?” Bruce said, spreading his hands.

“In the meantime, her new best friend is this.” Tony held up a run-of-the-mill Starktech fire extinguisher. Bucky chuckled darkly. 

“Alright, so are we good to be here?” He gestured around. Tony snorted.

“What, you think a little fire would hurt the Tower?” He scoffed, taking back the DNA curls from midair.

“Yes,” Bucky replied, raising an eyebrow at him. The hell did the guy mean, fire wouldn’t hurt a building? 

“Please,” Tony scoffed, tilting his head skyward. “Ye of little faith,” Bucky scowled at him but chose to bite back his retort. 

“For now, she’s in cool down in the Green Guy’s time out tent,” Bruce said, crossing his arms and leaning against the workbench. Steve scrubbed a hand down his face. “She’s got her computer and whatnot. We sent another e-mail to Charles, updating him. He said they’d be welcome.” 

“They?” Steve asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah. Miranda and Shelby.” Bruce replied tiredly. “They can’t take people that aren’t mutants. Something about liability? We can pitch it to them, but I don’t think they’re going to take it.” 

“For now, can we at least let Miranda out of Medical? She’s going to start fighting people soon.” Bucky said, pointing a thumb over his shoulder.

“She should be fine,” Tony said, shrugging. “Matter of fact, get her up here so we can try to talk her into talking Shelby into going to Xavier’s.” 


End file.
